Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
We have been speaking of false memories on a couple of threads now, including one of Ocdmomma’s (which I am now having problems writing on). I wrote there that a person without OCD knows they haven’t molested someone, because they have no recollection of doing so. For many of us with OCD, we worry about what vile act we might have committed, simply because we can’t recall NOT carrying one out. This can very easily lead to our fear-driven, overactive imaginations creating the most vivid images in our minds.
A dear friend, who fears she will sexually abuse her children, read Fred Penzel’s article on the obsession
( http://westsuffolkpsych.homestead.com/articles.html ). He states it’s OCD if you feel disgusted by the thoughts and have never acted on them. That reassures most of us for a short time, but then the OCD will make a counterattack and question whether we are really revolted. Do we experience enough guilt, disgust etc. Heaven forbid, do we actually experience pleasure. Have we acted on them in the past but blanked the events out. Then there are the false memories. All these thoughts go through our minds.
Lee Baer, in his book ‘The Imp Of The Mind’, writes about a man who fears he will sexually abuse young children. He is travelling in his car with his seven-year-old daughter and her friend. His obsession kicks in. He can’t recall NOT having raped his daughter’s friend and he then panics. His distress leads to his visualizing graphic images of having done so. His thoughts then turn towards his daughter. The whole time he is revolted and sickened to his stomach. It’s testament to the strength of OCD, that even at such times of utter revolution, we are still capable of wondering if we are actually feeling pleasure! I have spoken to James about his fears of being gay. Due to our fear, physical responses can actually occur in parts of our bodies that add to our disgust and reinforce our obsession. My contamination fears can make me feel dirt on a part of my body. The sensations are very real. With sexual fears we can believe we are aroused. Steven Phillipson wrote an excellent article on this called ‘I think it Moved’ http://www.ocdonline.com/articlesphillipson.php
Lee Baer writes that more than a quarter of us (with OCD) suffer intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature. How many of these involve children seems unclear. My guess is the figure is quite high, much more than a quarter. I know several people who have confided in me, but have told no-one else. If psychologists are not being made aware of our symptoms they will not realize how common this obsession is. OCD was still believed to be rare in the 70s, because we were so secretive about it. The nature of this symptom causes deeper shame than admitting to contamination fears (for example) and it’s hardly surprising that many are keeping this to themselves and suffering in silence. I dread to think how many have been driven to suicide, because they are unaware they have OCD. Even when a person is aware, it’s one of the worst forms of hell imaginable.
My guess is also that intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature involving consenting adults who are not related to us, is less common than ones involving children or close relatives. I say this because OCD targets areas that are most inappropriate and cause most revolution.
Most of my very close friends with OCD have mentioned intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature involving their parents, siblings or children (at some time in their lives). Some have retracted their ‘testimonies’ years later, because they regretted sharing the obsession with me. Mercifully, many find this obsessions burns itself out and they want the whole period of torture buried and they regret ever speaking about it. However, I think people need to speak about their torment, even if anonymously on a forum such as this.
Older members may recall my thread about a play I was writing based on a man suffering paedophilia OCD. Never has any topic I have written aroused such a passionate and extreme response. The play is not finished, because I am still in two minds whether to change the protagonist’s obsession to one that might shock and distress people less. It appears that even people suffering this torment have opposing views on whether such a subject should be aired. One young man, who suffers paedophilia fears, wrote a long PM. He is in favour of such a dramatization, but I vividly recall his opening sentence. ‘Unfortunately, you may harm as many people as you will help’.
im now 20 and after having my baby boy 5 weeks ago got pocd which is the most horrible thing ever i also constiplated suicide but just couln't bear leaving my son without a mother! I have been on sertraline 150mg for 4 weeks which has lifted my mood and anxiety a lot because i was really depressed still have my bad days. but now i worry cause im not having my anxiety and panick attacks that i must like these thoughts which is so not true! I just want this to go away i feel like im turning into such an evil person i would really appreaciate for some replys just to know that im not alone with this! THANKS 
It seems like we just can't win!
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