OCD Action

Lauren
Member

Hi,

I feel like i'm going crazy, and I don't know how to stop it. I've posted about this before but it's got so much worse. I was in the car a couple of weeks ago and I had this random thought out of nowhere, 'I've slept with a pupil'. Then it started going round and round in my head. I started to think about where and when it could have happened, and then I started getting really vivid images of this one boy I teach. I went into school the next day and he was normal with me, infact everybody was normal. But a week and a half has gone and I'm still convinced I have done it.

My friend, he says that teenage boys brag, and that it would not be kept quiet, it would be a major piece of gossip in a high school. Or, if he were ashamed and upset, teachers would pick up on his change of behaviour. What does everybody think? I have since taught this boy twice and he was normal, he is a very cheeky, outgoing person, but he also has anger management sessions as he gets into fights. He said I looked depressed on friday, and offered me a hug, which I said no thank you to. Every time I am alone with a male student I panic, I have even gone and got some others for extra lessons just so I am not by myself with a boy. I know that if I am, I will panic later.

I was reading stories last night of teachers having affairs with pupils. They all said, that they were devious, calculated people. That they had hundreds of texts, that they had different names on emails and facebook to keep it a secret, but they came out through gossip or the pupil confided in somebody. How do you know that will always be the case? What if I have done it, and now I am thinking it is OCD? How do you KNOW people would find out? Because they always do don't they? I have thought about it so much I feel like I have done it and I don't know what the truth is. If I have done it, I will kill myself, because I don't want to be one of those people. I know that sounds very dramatic but I don't want to be in prison.

I know rationalisation actually fuels OCD but it's what I need right now, please, can somebody tell me whether they'd tell somebody? Would they want to be alone with me? Would they want to talk about it with me? Or would they avoid me? Nobody avoids me, and nobody wants to see me in private either. They're all normal. Would they brag about it? And most importantly would i KNOW about it by now? Because sometimes people say you know deep down you haven't, but with my head chattering so much, I don't know what I think or know anymore.

Thank you

Lauren

Sun May 22 2011 10:37:48 #
Ratwomble
Member

Lauren,

You must know that this is your OCD. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING.

The most simple rationalisation is that you would remember doing it. And you don't.

Hugs

David

Sun May 22 2011 18:36:39 #
nettlenoo
Member

hello hun this is a tough one but someone said to me if i was who my thoughts say i am i would enjoy this and not worry. but i do worry i hate it, feel overwhelmed by it i hate myself when i get those thoughts. i know when i have my ocd head on i dont think straight but the more i worry the more worse it gets. breaking that cycle is the key hun find something that makes you feel good and take so much concentration you have no room for these thoughts. getting good amounts of sleep really does help i like to read but i dont do it often and staying busy be that work or housework or anything. you seem to have a good friend who you can talk too about this and dont beat yourself up hun youve not done the things your ocd tells you, you have. for one you wouldnt come here and say if you did. keep smiling i bet your a cracking teacher dont let ocd ruin that. best of luck & big hugs
nettle

Sun May 22 2011 20:07:19 #
Lauren
Member

Hello,

Both of you are very kind for replying. I really appreciate that you think I haven't done it, but what if I am somebody who does bad things and I am just blaming my ocd on it? That's why, if people tell me how the individual would or might react I can match it to how they are being. If that makes sense. I know rationalisation causes more harm, but I guess it's the same as if you need to check something, you feel better for it, even if it is for a short time. I just want to feel better!

Sun May 22 2011 20:26:08 #
nettlenoo
Member

ok lauren i too worry i am this bad person an also blame ocd. but i know ive never done anything and nor ever would try to stop that circle of thought its so hard i know too well but questioning yourself over and over will make it worse.plus you wouldnt talk about it here if you were that person. this is so tought lauren i really feel for you i could have written. right ok lets see what
can you do this evening to take your mind from this serious of thoughts? take a nice bath start a new upbeat book what do you enjoy? i know these seem small but it may help xx

Sun May 22 2011 20:37:01 #
tizzkins
Member

Lauren and everyone else on the group this isnt easy at all for me to come out with but i am hoping that my true life experience will help Lauren. So i have decided to break my silence for the second time,the first time i wasnt believed but things were investigated. This is so hard for me to say but i really feel for Lauren in all this and i sincerely hope that my explaining my circumstances may help her. I know you didnt hurt anyone and why do i know this so well , i really hope you appreciate me confessing this becos its not easy but i think under the circumstances its relevant to your situation.

When i was about fourteen i was abused by a teacher at my school and believe you me if you had done anything you would know. There is no way you would be thinking did i or didnt i you would know.

At the time i was only fourteen i knew deep down inside that it was wrong but i was getting the attention i wasnt getting at home. Cant believe this is all coming out now but if it helps then i am willing to share my deep secret and blow to the shame i feel.

The point i am making is the teacher that abused me was always trying to cover his tracks so to speak with me making sure i hadnt said anything etc buying me presents etc and so as i have said before Lauren you really would know and you would be trying to cover your tracks, the fact that you arent having to make sure with the pupil that you are having to cover your tracks says so much as in that you havent done anything, if you think about it and take it from someone who knows you wouldnt just do something then leave it at that. You for one would know more details of what when on the fact that you cant remember details tells me that absolutely nothing happened. I will be so honest with you at this point and tell you something i have never told anyone else and that is that although i am going back around approximately 25 years i can still remember most of the details of what happened to me over a period of time. I am also guessing that if i can remember then so could my so called teacher who abused me. So what i am saying to you from experience is that believe me it is traumatic to be abused by someone you trust and at the end of the day in my case i am still suffering 25 years down the line. In all true honesty you would KNOW you wouldnt be did i or didnt i. Please believe me i went through it and there was a time when my abuser really panicked. Sorry to everyone on this forum for this post it has been at the back of my mind and it feels so good to share it and lessen the burden. Lauren you are a good person i dont know you personally but i feel i know you enough to know that your ocd kicks in on your position of being a teacher and it really just is trying to get to you in the most undesirable way it knows how to upset you at that is your position as a teacher. The meer fact that you are sharing this with the group goes to show that you would never do such a thing. People who do these sort of things arent like you they are the worst people you could know believe me i have been in that situation and please also believe me when i say if there was any sliver of truth in your thought there would be no way you would be sharing it with the group. Hope this makes sense. I feel really stupid now for sharing all this with the group but it really touched me and it seemed the most natural thing to do to share what i know.

Hope no one thinks i am mad its just how sometimes you cannot only just relate to other peoples circumstances on the group but you can actually also relive them

Liz x

Take care all
Liz xx

Sun May 22 2011 21:03:28 #
tizzkins
Member

Did i really just press the send button on all of that. Cant believe i did that just shared one of my innermost darkest secrets it just seemed the right time.

Love to all Liz xx

Sun May 22 2011 21:05:01 #
Ratwomble
Member

Liz,

That took real guts. I hope it helps Lauren, and that it helps you to talk about it, too.

It was an act of real compassion.

Hugs

David

Sun May 22 2011 21:49:24 #
Tess
Member

Hi Liz
Big hugs from me too, I hope it has helped to get this out and I am so sorry that you not only had to experience abuse but that you had the added torment of not being believed. I believe you 100%, no-one who writes what you have done above could be lying. 14 year olds were very different 25 years ago before the internet and social networking and you were just an innocent young girl who was betrayed by someone in a position of trust. I am so pleaserd you pressed that send button because I hope it will be the start of a coming to terms with what happened and that all the details which have plagued you for so long will find a quieter place in your mind which you will visit increasingly less often.
Also Lauren I believe 100% you have not done anything wrong, in fact the only reason your OCD is making you think that you have is because you are overly sensitive, overly nice and the very last person in the world who would dream of abusing one of your pupils - it is anathema to you and OCD torments us about the things which are our greatest fears.

Mon May 23 2011 9:57:45 #
Lauren
Member

Dear Liz,

I am so honoured that you have told me this so you can help me and it must have been so hard for you to write and relive just for me, so thank you so much. You have helped me because I know that I would be acting different, I would be trying to keep him quiet, I would be trying to cover up what I have done, but I am not, I am just being normal. I really appreciate that you have done this for me and I know it will take time for me to get over this but what you have said has really touched me it is very selfless of you.

The pupil on friday was normal with me, we arranged the next lesson, there were others in the room when we were talking and he didn't want to speak to me in private and I didn't want to speak to him either. He joked that I looked depressed and offered me a hug which I said no thank you to, somebody who wanted to do those things, surely they would relish that?

I have been in tears this morning before I went to work because i was dreaming about it in the night, I kept waking up confused with voices in my head, and I have convinced myself I am walking around having done this thing and it is only a matter of time. But lots of people I trust are saying it would have come out by now, the boy would have bragged to a friend etc, or become withdrawn, are they right?

I really appreciate all your comments, they are so thoughtful, please do not think I am being ungrateful asking you to help me again after all this I am hoping it will calm down soon but I need some honest answers to my questions that's all to help me x

Mon May 23 2011 10:22:00 #
northerndad
Member

I am not an OCD sufferer, but i have a special friend whose life is controlled by it.I have joined the forum in an attempt to help them, but I understand and sympathise with tizzkins about the abuse.From about the age of 3 to 11 I was abused by my uncle.He controlled me through fear and "treats." I was brought up in an age were the words of the adult were the gospel truth and not to be questioned. No-one would believe me if i told them what i was expected to do-and the punishment if i didn't.It made me very insular and withdrawn. I only escaped from it when he died from cancer(I refused to go to the funeral)-and yet i never got the chance for justice. Like you Tizzkins i remember what was done to me-and i think this could be an important strategy.The abuser doesn't forget what he's done-that's part of their habit-the lurid memories allows them to have emotional self-gratification long after the physical deed has been done. To Lauren-listen to the words of ALL your friends who are sharing your plight-this is a mental illness you are fighting(and fighting it well) and not some emotional review show of your sexual conquests with minors. I am shedding tears as i write this-not for me or pity, but for YOU-that an illness diagnosed by a doctor, can cripple your life and wellbeing so horribly. Trust your heart and believe in it,and not thevoices that tell you otherwise.

Northerndad

Tue May 24 2011 0:46:53 #
sweeteater
Member

Hi Lauren

Ticklist for OCD- thought comes into your mind from nowhere;
the worry and anxiety and self-doubt kick in; the ruminations and worry increase and rational thinking decreases; your brain gets more and more worn out; you need certainy which is impossible; you cannot remember doing anything wrong, btu don't trust your memory....
These are all classic OCD symptoms- you've described them perfectly.
Lauren, you are worn out thinking of all this, but can you see this as the illness, as OCD? It is horrible, scary, but OCD is a horrible illness. You are feeding the self doubt I'm afraid by mulling it over 24/7, and you know getting certainty on this issue is not possible. But you know how OCD operates, how thoughts can come into the mind and we can't shake them off- that's OCD. Be kind to yourself- see this as the illness

Tue May 24 2011 7:50:31 #