OCD Action

Ant
Member

I hope you don't mind a post from Australia?? My wife is English so maybe I half qualify?? And, we don't seem to have an equivalent forum here.

My wife has OCD. We have been married for 11 years and have 3 children. Things have not been going well in our relationship for years and although I have tried to keep it alive one person cannot do it by themselves. At 12:10am on New Years Day 2011 it was decided our marriage was over.

I have been struggling with that since but my wife doesn't seem to be affected much at all. I think she checked out some time ago and is marching down the road of separation. We have started seeing a counsellor although it became obvious to me it was for two different reasons.

For me, it was about seeing if our marriage was salvagable and if our relationship could be rebuilt.

For her, I think it is to finally acknowledge her OCD and some other problems she has which she may think has contributed to the failure of our marriage but I think she has made up her mind it is not recoverable.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. It saddens me to think of all the things in her life she could change for the better she thinks this is the best one. One thing I do know is I am emotional exhausted.

Until recently I have not understood the real significance of OCD. In the past I always thought of it as a bit of an annoyance and just tried to ignore it for the most part. There have been times when she has asked me to help her with things like her bedtime routine and I have told her I will support her in any way I can but only she has the power to actually change, I cannot force her to change.

The more I think about things that have happened the more I think OCD has had far more effect than I realised. It is also affecting one of our children who is displaying some OCD like behaviour as well.

It seems to me now that her OCD (and some other issues) have become so all consuming that she simply doesn't have any capacity left for a husband/friend/lover. I think she has to force herself to find some capacity for the children and this is a real effort for her which is why she always feels so totally exhausted all the time.

I am at a cross roads. I am concered she would not cope with the children on her own. I still care for her deeply but cannot take much more rejection but at the same time I wonder if she needs me now more than ever??

Does anyone have any advise for me??? Please???

Tue Jan 25 2011 23:47:08 #
jo
Member

Hi Ant,
Welcome
I don't have any advice with regards to your situation but know there are some on the forum that certainly will empathise with your wifes and your situation so don't despair.
Best wishes

Tue Jan 25 2011 23:57:05 #
Tess
Member

Hi Ant
I just want to say hi and I am so sad to hear how difficult things are for you and your wife right now.
I've had OCD for about 43 years, it broke my first marriage but I remarried and this time the marriage has survived, although it has not been without a lot of ups and downs.
I can't advise you, only you and your wife can decide the way forward and it sounds as though things have been deteriorating for some time so there will be a lot of work to do to if the relationship is to get back on track.
If your wife is rejecting you then it sounds as if the help and support you have been giving her, albeit with the very best and kindest of intentions, has not been what she actually needs. OCD is a very complicated condition, it is impossible to get inside another person's mind and your wife would probably love to be able to change but is just as unable to do it as you would be to force her to change. She needs her life to be as free of stress as possible to be able to manage her OCD and this means stability in personal relationships, constant arguments are just going to aggravate it and this then leads to people slowly drifting apart. If you both love each other it is possible to salvage the marriage but both partners must be willing to put in the effort and if your wife is at the point of exhaustion then she may feel this is more than she can cope with.
It is vitally important that whatever you both decide that the children's welfare is given priority. As one of your children may have inherited OCD I would advise you to learn as much as you can about this disorder because this child in particular will need a supportive and understanding father in the future.

Wed Jan 26 2011 12:11:54 #
Unregistered

Dear Ant, I think you wholly qualify, whether your wife is English or not is irrelevant to us here!

Like Jo and Tess, I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

I have also had OCD a long time, fifty years, and having friends with OCD and also knowing partners/children of OCD sufferers, I often observe the consequences this awful condition has for all concerned.

Many of us with OCD keep so much of the pain of our condition to ourselves, for various reasons. A dear friend of mine separated from her husband and it was directly due to her OCD. I am not for one moment suggesting her symptom is in any way linked to your wife’s problems, but I’m just using it as one example. My very gentle friend had the kind of OCD (along with contamination fears) where she feared that she would suddenly lose control and harm her family. She stopped sleeping with her husband for fear she would lose control in the night and stab him or smother him with a pillow. Of course, it was the last thing she would ever do, but this fear made her distance herself from her husband. In the end he believed her love had died. I asked if she ever explained her obsession to him and she replied ’No, because I feared he would leave.’ They eventually divorced and the poor man never did know the truth.

As I said, I don’t mean to imply this has anything to do with your wife’s OCD. I use it as an example that open dialogue is essential. It sounds as if you are prepared for this but your wife maybe isn’t. I hope, as you continue with counselling, she will be able to discuss everything that is on her mind, because there is always hope of a reconciliation, especially with the right support. You need to be completely open, too, don’t be afraid to say how OCD affects you.

In the past, I was warned that my children would copy my behaviour and develop OCD. I don’t think there is much evidence to support this old-fashioned theory. I am ashamed to say that I inflicted many rules and rituals on my children. I almost left them, because I was so afraid of the harm I was causing. A sympathetic vicar was solely responsible for my staying, because he believed my children were still better with me around. One of my children appears to have developed a mild form of OCD, but her symptoms are very different from mine (the condition is hereditary, so this is not surprising). My son is the complete opposite to me and has no signs of OCD. It does not appear to be a learned condition. You may already be aware of this, it’s unclear from your message whether you believe your wife’s behaviour could be the reason that one of your children is displaying some signs of OCD.

You spoke about your wife having little time for you, due to her OCD and exhaustion. You also wrote that she has to force herself to find some capacity for the children. I was in that same situation. I went to bed exhausted (praying I would not have to face another day of fear). My children had to come first, because they needed caring for physically. We are all different, but I do not believe I could have raised my children without the support of my husband. I barely coped with his help.

Unlike physical illness, OCD can be entirely hidden. Obviously, when we carry out rituals these are observed, but I know that the fear and inner turmoil can still be concealed. Some I know (with OCD) have chosen to walk away from a relationship rather than risk ridicule etc.

I wonder if your wife has sensed your feelings (you spoke of her OCD being a ‘bit of an annoyance’ that you tried to ignore). This may well have been picked up by her, because one thing we all seem to have in common is a very sensitive nature. I know my husband has felt annoyance at my behaviour and this really hurts. At times it has made me want to walk away, believing he has no empathy for the pain of the illness. When you spoke about it being a bit of an annoyance, you may have meant solely for your wife and that you now appreciate it has probably been having a much greater impact on her.

One man I read about, who had quite severe OCD, stated that his wife was revolted by his condition. He said he knew his rituals upset her and he tried his best to keep them to himself, but he began to deeply resent her for her lack of empathy. I don’t know if their marriage lasted, but when I read this man’s account I thought it would be difficult for it to survive. I could envisage bitterness growing on both sides.

Obviously, all marriages require give and take for them to survive. We, as OCD sufferers can make great demands on our spouses, I realize that. I have friends who tolerate incredibly restrictive rules and demands from their OCD partners. I have other friends who have very little empathy for their loved-ones with OCD and even refer to their rituals as ‘little indulgences‘ as if they are engaging in some pleasurable hobby.

I do hope that the counsellor you are both seeing is able to help. You may be surprised at some of the things you are both able to speak about and the difference airing your pain and frustration might make. Try to be completely open and encourage your wife to be the same. There is always hope.

Best wishes, Tricia.

P.S. I know many here in the UK have been following the dreadful events in Australia. I hope that you and your family have at least been spared the floods.

Wed Jan 26 2011 14:09:50 #
Ant
Member

Thanks ladies for your replies. I wrote my OP at work this morning after doing a bit of online research on the topic. I am back at work now for the night shift (grumble) but in the interveining time this afternoon my Wife and I shut ourselves in the bedroom and had one of the best convesations for years.

When I said 'a bit of an annoyance' I did mean an annoyance for me. As I said it is only recently (days ago) that I have started to understand not only about OCD but how much of our lives may have been affected by it.

Over the years there are positive things I have done about it quite by accident like refusing to participate in excessively checking things and trying to encourage her to let me do the checking unsupervised sometimes, but there are also things I have done that I now see have exacerbated the problem like trying to hurry her up in the shower. (Our water bills are MASSIVE!!!!)

I really feel I had a mini epiphany this morning though and suddenly I felt I had a greater understanding (as best I can) of what she meant when she said she didn't have anything left for me and all the anger and hostility I felt toward her disappeared.

We must have talked for 2.5 hours, no mean feat when you have 3 kids under 11 yrs!! I broached the topic of her OCD hesitantly and asked her did she think it might have had an effect. She didn't think so but said the counsellor had been talking a lot about it with her and it made her feel really angry and like she was crazy. This feeling was something I read about this morning so I wasn't surprised when she said it.

I explained to her that the way I see it is before we met she had only herself to look after and part of her life was some OCD. (As far as OCD goes though I don't think she has it very bad)

After we met it was easy for her to give me a bit of her life without subtracting from her capacity. But, when we had our first child she needed to find a bit more for him plus all the extra stuff that goes with being a Mum and so I lost a little bit.

Progressively as our 3 children were born she needed to subtract from her own capacity pool to give to the children and the extra jobs and not surprisingly there was nothing left for me.

These days she has to force herself to find some spare capacity for the kids and all the Mum type jobs and that is why she is exhausted all the time.

This makes sense to me, I can understand now how I drifted off the radar and, although I wish it wasn't this way, I am at peace with it. When I explained it to her and she had a chance to think about it I think she agrees with my theory but hadn't realised it herself.

From there, long story short, I reassured her the best I could and asked her to do me a favour, well two actually.
1. To try and not make any decisions about 'us' until after we have finished this lot of counselling sessions, and;
2. To try and talk openly and without fear about her OCD to the counsellor.

I am pleased to say she thinks both are a good idea and she said to me later that she has seen a side of me she hasn't seen for years, I was no longer angry with her. Although I do hope she will choose the hard road and fight for me and our relationship, I don't think she is strong enough and so I can see we most likely will separate.

P.S We have been fortunate to avoid the devastating floods but unfortunely the same can't be said about the cricket!!

Wed Jan 26 2011 15:14:43 #
Unregistered

Didn't dare mention the cricket!!

Seriously, I have only had a chance to quickly read your last message, but it looks hopeful to me. I'm sure others will reply to your latest and I'll re-read your message more carefully tomorrow.

By the way, my showers take over an hour. Our electricity bill is horrendous,. If my husband, or anyone else, tried to rush me I’d take even longer, because when the pressure mounts so does the OCD.

Wed Jan 26 2011 15:48:24 #
Tess
Member

Hi Ant
I've just read your post with quite a lot of optimism and I think you are now starting to approach the problem in the right way. My husband and I would not be together now if it had not been for marriage counselling.
Incidentally our fuel bills are astronomic too but it is something we accept - to me it is no different to having to pay for medication for a physical disorder, just because the OCD is unseen it does not make it any less real.

Wed Jan 26 2011 18:25:31 #
Unregistered

Dear Ant, I have read through your message again. I agree with Tess, it sounds optimistic. If you are both open with each other you can make this year far better than it appeared at the beginning.

I can really empathize with your wife, for I believe I have experienced similar. I also know that for me the hardest time was Christmas and New Year. I suffered total exhaustion and deep depression. Your wife was probably feeling dreadful at 12.10 on January 1st.

Please keep in touch.

Good luck to you all.

Thu Jan 27 2011 14:21:43 #
Ant
Member

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your thoughts.

An update as requested.

My wife and I finally talked again a few days ago. Getting her to talk about the Elephant in the room (our marriage breaking down) is difficult. She feels exhausted with it all as do I, but her way of dealing with it is to bottle it up which makes her seem cold, heartless and uncaring.

She told me she just could not see it working and that I would spend the rest of my life waiting for her sense of intimacy (including sex drive) to come back and she doesn't feel it will. I am only 37 and she says she wants me to meet someone who will give me all the things she feels she can't. She is 45 and says she doesn't have time for a man in her life anymore.

I had decided that she must have reached this conclusion and so had been thinking along the same lines. I had decided weeks ago that unless she could convince me she was 100% committed to rebuilding our relationship then it wasn't even worth trying as it would end in more tears in a few months time. She had to WANT it.

I am heartbroken though that my family will be splitting up, and heartbroken our marriage has failed, but in my mind I know this is the only way it can go and even though I may have lost her as my wife I don't want to also lose her as my friend.

It is hard for me sometimes though because I feel that just because things got a little bit hard she has given up because it was easier than putting in an effort. At the same time I realise that is a bit irrational, but we can't control our feelings, can we?

I still think OCD has played a larger part than even she realises because she feels she is not able to try and rebuild our life. She doesn't seem to think she has the spare capacity.

I really do hope she does as well as she says she will. I am at peace with myself because, although I know I am far from perfect, I believe I have done everything I can to keep us all together and help us all individually as well. There is nothing more I can or could have done that I can see and I can't do it by myself.

The way forward seems incredibly difficult, the problems insurmountable, and the thought of being on my own again is absolutely terrifying, but I am just trying to concentrate on going forward now and not looking back (too much!).

Thanks for your thoughts and advice, perhaps if I had thought to ask these questions earlier I may have been able to make a difference.

My advice to anyone who thinks they may be in the same situation is to talk early and talk often, don't bottle things up as we did and go and see someone even if the other party doesn't want to, they may come later. Most importantly, be totally honest.

Maybe I might send her a link to this forum??

All the best to you all and take good care of yourselves.
Regards
Anthony.

Sun Feb 6 2011 2:55:35 #
Tess
Member

Hi Ant
Thanks for the update. I feel really sorry that you have decided to part but if you are both of the same mind and at peace with the decision then at least you can move on without animosity and bitterness. As a complete outsider I get the impression that OCD has been a huge factor and I have empathy with your wife because OCD is a massive burden to carry through life and she is releasing you from it which indicates the depth of her feelings for you. Both of you now need to concentrate on the welfare of your children who will be deeply upset and also be aware of the signs of OCD so that if any of them show a tendency towards it you know how to access treatment. OCD is not thought to be caused by upbringing but it can be inherited and it is also believed that it can be triggered by trauma in those who have a genetic predisposition.
I think sending her a link to the OCD Action website is an excellent idea.

Sun Feb 6 2011 10:28:14 #