OCD Action

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jen67
Member

One thing I feel sure about from what you said about Josh is that he would be delighted and relieved that his loved ones are coping without him and would not want them to be feeling guilty.
My sentiments and thoughts exactly Jess.
Bingo I've sent you a pm with similar thoughts.
Too many people have sufferred enough already in this.
I wish Josh's grieving family all the very best, as they now not only are coping with their grief, but now coping with their ocd, without his support.
Wish this wretched ocd didnt exist.
But it does, and as such we just have to take one day at a time, and carry on as best we can.
Some folks reading this might think, isnt it a shame that they didnt cope better on their own, without depending on Josh's support so much before he sadly passed, but who are we to judge?
They are doing better now, thats all that really matters......... life really is too short, and its a shame it takes a shock of a tradgedy to do this.

Tue Apr 5 2011 2:36:38 #
bingo
Member

I've been away for some months on a tour of duty and have not had internet access so I thought I would update you about Josh's family. But first I am grateful to my friend for letting me use his computer and in case I don't explain myself well or you don't understand my way of speaking (writing) let me say that I am in a bit of a state of shock as after dealing with my OCD in the confines of Royal Navy warship where I have done my bit to protect people from Somalian pirates and pursuing drug smugglers only to find that my reward when returning home is to be made redundant. Thank you David Cameron, politics and Tory policy, but enough of me.

I visited Josh's family and generally they are coping well with the day to day things that that now have no choice but to do for themselves and it is pleasing that they are coping. However, the down side is the remorse especially with the time to think how their OCD affected Josh. This is the bit that hurts - the "if only" factor. But you can't turn the clock back and this is where they really need undertanding and help. Sadly they have to cope with it themselves. His wife (sorry widow) is beginning to get out a bit as she has to do some shopping and attend to all sorts of matters previous done by Josh. Recently she has been to the library. She had a look round but did not borrow any books. Hopefully this is a beginning and she will make some friends. Josh's son is more severely affected but he has made some progress. Some of the smaller "OCD things" he has managed to drop but the more severe, persistent things seem to be even more severe, but overall he seems happier. The happiness is pleasing but the increased severity is a great shame as he is very intelligent and is a computer genius.

Getting back to Josh: His wife gave me some papers to look through and some of them seem to be parts of a diary or notes that Josh made. One note in particular grabbed my attention and in it Josh related that during the evening meal (which he had prepared) things went well and there was the sort of conversation that any family would have but often at a point his wife and son would stop the conversation and leave the table because there was something on the TV that they wanted to see. Josh's remark was that they continued the conversation for as long as it suited them which was when the TV programme started and went to watch it leaving him to clear away and do the washing up. He questions if that is part of OCD, or just selfishness, or if OCD is an excuse, or if OCD makes people behave in a selfish way.

I think I can understand Josh's way of thinking but this also leads me to think that so much of OCD can be avoided or controlled. I know that I cope with aspects of OCD in my very constrained and ordered working and living environment. I also know that Josh's family, when forced to do so, cope well with their OCD to the point that it appears to be reduced or have a far lower impact.

I have gone on a bit here and if anyone has continued to read this far then thank you. The good news is that overall Josh's family are making progress, it's just so sad that Josh did not survive to see it, but I think it not so much proves, but suggests that somewhere, somehow, we have to strength to do something to fight back against this dreadful condition. I sincerely hope so.

Bingo

Sat Oct 1 2011 20:02:34 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Bingo,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've returned home from a tour of duty only to find that you've been made redundant. It must have been a shock.

Thanks for the update on Josh's family, it's just a crying shame that he didn't survive to see it.

With regards to the comments in the paperwork that you went through, it's not OCD, it's just selfishness (and yes, some do unfortunately use their OCD to excuse this sort of behaviour).

Sun Oct 2 2011 8:31:33 #
Tess
Member

Hi Bingo
Thanks for coming back to the forum and updating us about Josh's family and my sincerest commiserations on your redundancy. I can empathise because my husband was made redundant from civilian posts with the Police and then later from the MoD during the previous Tory public service cuts back in the 80's and it was a very difficult period of our lives - but we got through it and adapted to a different way of life. Change is tough but it brings different opportunities and I just hope you find fulfilment in whatever lies ahead.
As for Josh's family, it brings to mind a neighbour we had many years ago. She was a retired teacher with a gammy leg and her husband doted on her and looked after her and she was a semi invalid. Then he died suddenly of a heart attack and we thought she would crumble, yet within about 6 weeks her crutches had disappeared, she bought herself a little bright yellow mini and she whizzed around the neighbourhood getting involved in community activities, driving an increasingly dented yellow peril but she almost blossomed in herself - yet there was no doubt that she had loved her husnband dearly. So I am not convinced that the reason for Josh's family's behaviour is as simple as pure selfishness. My husband and I have a lot of animals and they very quickly adapt to a life of comfort and ease and then desire it even if it means loss of freedom and we humans are not that different. I think when life is difficult and motivation is low it is very easy to take the soft option and rely on someone else to do all the work. But I am pleased to hear that Josh's family are making progress and I'm sure Josh wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Sun Oct 2 2011 10:11:00 #
Tess
Member

Hi Bingo, me again
I had hoped someone else might have replied to your post by now re your thoughts that a lot of OCD can be avoided or controlled so here is my five pennorth which I hope may start off a discussion.
I think it's true that a lot of OCD can be avoided but there are differing views about this approach, many professionals would adopt the view that avoidance is extremely detrimental to recovery and only serves to make the OCD more entrenched, but many sufferers use avoidance as a management tool to relieve their anxiety.
As for control, from my own experience of OCD and what I have observed from other sufferers, I believe that OCD is not a static and totally inflexible condition, when challenged by change of circumstances or to some extent willpower it seems to have a limited capacity to change and adapt - a bit like how if one partner in a relationship changes then the other partner will also change. You can try to make your partner change and beat your head against a brick wall but if you change the way you react to situations within a relationship then the relationship will also change. I think OCD reacts in a similar way, it may adapt or if adaptation is impossible it may morph into a different form ie from mostly contamination to mostly checking which happened to a friend of mine when her husband started objecting to her cleaning rituals.
I suspect what happened in Josh's situation is that there was a slow development of behaviour patterns which probably started because it was the easiest option for all parties, Josh coming home from work tired would not have wanted the added stress of challenging his family's OCD and found it less stressful just to get on with the work himself and this situation built up until everyone relied totally on Josh to do all the chores.
I have seen adaptation in my own OCD, and I will give you a couple of examples. I used to use large amounts of cleaning materials, then we moved here where we have septic drainage and soakaways and suddenly the worry of possibly wrecking the drainage system with disinfectants and bleach and getting a blockage or worse counterbalanced the contamination fear and I was able to adapt to a reduced cleaning regime which still satisfied the OCD. Also, I have big problems putting the shopping from the supermarket carrier bags away into cupboards or the fridge without cleaning it first. But my OCD allows me to alter the 'decontamination' process depending on whether or not it is possible to wash the item. I am well aware rationally that washing by immersion is going to clean something more thoroughly than just a cursory wipe over but some things like cardboard egg boxes don't take kindly to immersion and so my OCD will accept a lessor standard but still insist on the higher standard if it is possible. I am also well aware that the decontamination process serves no useful purpose other than to allow me to function and thereby hangs the problem ......
I hope this helps explain a bit better why I don't think that selfishness explains the sad situation Josh found himself in and his family's subsequent progress in coping with their OCD.
I

Sun Oct 2 2011 17:14:25 #