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I feel completely washed out...

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    ...as though all the colour has drained from me and now I'm just grey and lifeless. I don't feel like I'm living a life anymore because all my days just seem to be about avoiding germs and contamination, interspersed with other things that are just there to past the time. I eat a lot now, it seems. Sometimes just because I'm bored. I'm not developing an eating disorder, don't worry, but I am snacking more than I probably should, and not always on the right things. Sleeping is another thing I do a lot. But not really at the right times. I can't go to sleep at night, so I end up falling asleep in the early hours, then on my days off, I sleep in until 12 pm sometimes. Then I feel like I've wasted most of my day.

    All my motivation is gone. I just can't get myself to study enough. Instead I end up on the internet, or watching TV. I can't even be bothered to read a book anymore. I used to love reading but now it seems like such effort.

    I don't want to give up, I don't want to die, but there's nothing in my life anymore that seems worth the trouble of living. I feel like I've become a bunch of labels now, a collection of disorders and negative adjectives. Obsessive compulsive, anxiety ridden, hypochondriac. Whoever I was before is in there somewhere too, but I can't remember what she was like. I don't remember what it was like not being...neurotic. I don't even think I'm a proper person anymore. I haven't got a personality, just a condition.

    Helz

    Fri Jan 15 2010 22:20:59 #
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    Truddles
    Member

    Dear Helz,

    I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a bad time at the moment. I can identify and empathise with a lot of what you say.
    You might feel as if you've just become a bunch of labels but it is only other people that are labelling you and that is precisely what they are just labels. Helz is still there she's just hiding at the moment whilst you're feeling so low.
    You are still a proper person and from your posts you have a lovely personality.
    Have an early night and tomorrow tell Horrid Helz to take a running jump.
    You can send me a PM if you need to talk, but please don't give up. Remember you don't have to go through this alone.

    Thinking of you
    Love
    Trudy

    Fri Jan 15 2010 22:32:24 #
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    Truddles,

    Thank you so much for your support, it's means a lot. I hope I can find Happy Helz again, even if it takes a while. I'm going to try and get up earlier tomorrow and do some work first thing, maybe get myself going a bit more. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

    Fri Jan 15 2010 22:36:16 #
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    Truddles
    Member

    Don't cry Happy Helz is there - she's just having a brief holiday. I believe that she's due home tomorrow, weather permitting.

    Hang on in there, things will improve. Don't hesitate to PM if you need to talk.

    I've had a bad day but after talking to Anne I feel able to carry on at least until the next really low point.

    I'll speak tomorrow.

    Best wishes
    Trudy xx

    Fri Jan 15 2010 22:53:53 #
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    Hehe, we'll see.

    I'm sorry you've had a bad day as well, glad you've got past things a bit though. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

    Fri Jan 15 2010 22:59:36 #
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    Truddles
    Member

    Don't forget because of the bad weather she might be delayed a little but she will finally come home

    Let's hope we both feel better tomorrow.

    Sleep well
    Trudy

    Fri Jan 15 2010 23:19:31 #
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    Hi Helz

    Off to the hairdressers - but I will reply in full later. I hope you feel a lot better today.

    Love
    Anne x

    Sat Jan 16 2010 10:13:59 #
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    OCDLONELY
    Member

    Hi Helz

    So sorry you feel this way. I have felt like that often and still do. Things can just get too much and you lose all motivation and you get lost in the negative thoughts and feelings and just can't attempt anything. I do hope you get through this hard time and we are all here for you if you need us. Take good care

    Daniel

    Sat Jan 16 2010 11:59:00 #
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    Truddles
    Member

    Hi Helz,

    Any sign of Happy Helz or is she still caught in the adverse weather conditions?

    Anne,
    I hate going to the hairdresser as I never come out feeling better than when I went in. Last time I explained what I wanted; that I only wanted it tidied up and before I could stop them they'd made the first cut and then it was too late. I ended up looking as if I'd been scalped with the scissors that you give tiny children to cut paper

    Trudy

    Sat Jan 16 2010 12:01:52 #
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    brennie
    Member

    Heltz, i know exactly how you are feeling hun, dont worry about the snacking for the moment...its giving you the comfort which you are searching for, when you are feeling better (which you will) you can cut the comfort eating out, you will find that when you feel happier yourself the snacking will not seem as important, take care my dear,
    love Brennie x

    Sat Jan 16 2010 13:33:32 #
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    aishah
    Member

    Hi Heltz, you have just summed up exactly how I'm feeling too. I'm sorry you feel like this, it's relentless sometimes isn't it.
    I comfort eat too, I love chocolate.
    Hopefully this state we're in will pass soon.
    Thinking of you

    Bridget

    Sat Jan 16 2010 13:55:49 #
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    Hello everyone, thanks very much for your kind words, they mean a lot. I feel like a bit of an attention seeker or something, but I just had to share how I feel with someone. I am a bit better today, although I still didn't get to sleep until late last night and didn't get up until 11am. I've only just got going now really and it's already 2pm, most of the day is gone. Wasted. I'm going to try and do some work later to focus my mind on something other than germs. I keep checking the loo today, so I've got to stop myself doing that. I want to eat lots of rubbish again today but I am resisting. Even if it makes me feel better it's only a hollow comfort really.

    Thanks again, Helz (still Horrid Helz for now, but Happy Helz perks up every now and then. )

    Sat Jan 16 2010 14:03:21 #
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    Truddles
    Member

    Hi Helz,

    Sorry things are still difficult for you.

    That's Horrid Helz talking saying that you're attention seeking. You are not - you are sharing and that is totally different. Someone who is attention seeking is oblivious to the feelings of others and that certainly doesn't describe you does it? You have contributed a lot to the forum and like to help others so tell Horrid Helz to go away. You've certainly helped me.

    That makes two of us eating rubbish (I do that when I'm depressed) but as soon as I buck up a little I stop. So don't worry as a little of what you fancy does you good

    Hang on in there it will get better.

    Trudy

    Sat Jan 16 2010 14:18:57 #
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    Phew, I'm glad I don't look like I'm seeking attention. And if I've helped people then that makes me happy too.

    I do like my treats, I could never eat totally healthily all the time, but I've got to keep it in check. The more I eat bad things the more I want them and I find it harder to stop, hehe.

    Thanks, Helz

    Sat Jan 16 2010 14:24:42 #
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    Truddles
    Member

    No problem,you really knew the answer without me telling you didn't you.

    Now I'm craving chocolate, hope there's some in the flat

    Take care
    Trudy

    Sat Jan 16 2010 14:34:03 #
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    Hehe, I've got too much chocolate around to tempt me, that's the trouble. A friend gave me a huge slab of fancy stuff for Christmas. I think I'd probably sit and eat it all if I let myself.

    Sat Jan 16 2010 14:38:06 #
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    Hi Helz

    I've been snacking continuously too.

    Hope Happy Helz is back in the building now where she should be. After all she is one the writes the essays.

    Have you been able to do a bit of studying? When you do get into it, you may well feel a lot more motivated. I used to find this. After a long grumble and moan I would say to myself pick up the lap top and start obsessing about the uni work instead. It is a lot more interesting than germs and gives you a real high when you finish the work.
    Love
    Anne x

    Sat Jan 16 2010 15:11:57 #
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    Hi Glad,

    I've been eating better today, no bad snacks so far. Well, I had a scone with my lunch, but I checked the nutrional info and it wasn't very fatty so that's ok.

    Happy Helz is currently wrestling Horrid Helz for supremacy, not sure who's winning yet, but we'll see.

    I'm just about to start some work now. I've come online to read a journal article for a seminar on Monday. So far I've been distracted by checking my emails and things, but I will start once I've done all that.

    Sat Jan 16 2010 16:31:31 #
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    Hi Helz

    Best of luck with it. Isn't it great to be able to read on line? So much better than searching for the one single copy in the uni library only to find it is out on loan.

    Sat Jan 16 2010 16:51:11 #
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    Yes, it is very useful. Did you use JSTOR a lot when you were studying, I've found quite a bit on there.

    Sat Jan 16 2010 16:52:40 #
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    Unregistered

    Hi

    Yes JSTOR is brilliant. Because I was doing politics during the last six years I also adored Lexis Nexis for the newspapers. Truly wonderful. You cannot possibly plagiarise with all those different sources.

    Sat Jan 16 2010 17:02:03 #
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    There are a lot of sources out there to use, for sure. That's one thing I can't complain about.

    Sat Jan 16 2010 17:34:52 #

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