OCD Action

Gigolo
Member

I wrote this down on a notepad today, during my lunch break. I realised that our VDU's at work are being captured, so opted out of posting at work from now on. Here it is.

I had a major anxiety attack today when talking to Harry. Harry is an amazing guy, very creative and often submits his plays/stories to the BBC. I asked him if he was doing a sequel to his amateur play I watched last year 'shite christmas' that he would direct. He talked about it with me and told me that his brother came out (as gay) after watching his production. I became incredibly anxious and started burning up, sweaty. I worried that I would become a paedophile, because his brothers coming out was the realisation of who he was.

Now I'm having trouble and this is what happened, during my days when I became scared that I was gay and transsexual - It feels real and almost right.

We continued talking about his ideas - The conversation flowed, as he did most of the talking. I compared some of his elements to 1984 and the film Surrogates. The subject then veered onto another of his ideas, a controversial play about a reformed paedophile. I started to tell him about the type of OCD that afflicts people with paedophile thoughts. This was a bad idea. Anxiety really took hold of me and I was uncomfortable and sweaty when I tried to explain exposure therapy. I started thinking that I wanted to do these acts and I couldn't concentrate. I'm pretty certain he asked me if this was my affliction, but avoided the answer. I felt so guilty, because I wanted to come out as a pedo.

As a result, I became an anxious wreck until the end of my shift.

I don't know what to do, because its really sent me back to the dark ages in terms of thinking.

Giles

Thu Aug 26 2010 21:42:25 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Giles,

Sorry things were so bad for you today.

I've sent you a quick PM and will get back to you when I feel a little better as not feeling too well at the moment.

Thu Aug 26 2010 22:22:45 #
Gigolo
Member

Thank you trudy

Thu Aug 26 2010 22:32:39 #
stevieb
Member

That sounds pretty unpleasant, Giles.

So if I read your post right, your friend at work talking about gays/transexuals, and paedos made you feel anxious, because you thought you'd come out as the latter?

When you said you felt guilty, did you mean because you avoided your friend's question about you being afflicted with OCD paedo thoughts?

Its not a good idea, I don't think, to give a work colleague any indication of such fears, even if you feel anxious. People in the workplace love to gossip.

Try to ignore such ideas in the future. If you really were one of the things you mention, you'd know by now for a fact. A real paedo wouldn't have anxiety attacks about it. They'd simply feel that they have the right to carry out their thoughts and 'desires.'

If you're having a similar conversation again, try and relax, take some deep breaths, and remember that whatever anxieties pop into your head, no matter how real or natural they are, its just an OCD trick. A lie.

OCD loves to wind us up.

I hope I was on the right level there, as its a bit late, I've had a bad day at work, and am not thinking straight.

Thu Aug 26 2010 22:43:02 #
Gigolo
Member

Definitely helped Stevie. It isn't just this that messes me up. Being open does this too, and I really don't know what to do, because I'm mentally crippled.

I just wish that everybody had the right to know what my problems were, so they could make a concerted decision for themselves, but then the question is I could be turned by the wrong people. I feel I nearly turned myself. I felt so guilty and my ability to talk to people suddenly disappeared.

Should I continue to do this? Could the anxiety decrease, or could it just be made worse? I'm thinking the latter.

I'm so confused within

Thu Aug 26 2010 23:24:22 #
stevieb
Member

Nothing is going to turn you, because there's nothing to turn. A paedo or a gay is either that or not. No-one can 'become'afflicted by either orientation, by any means. Is that what you meant? Or do you still feel that you're already one of those things, and that someone may bring it 'out?'

But neither would hide itself this far into your adulthood.

My advice is to talk only to us, and to your counsellor about this matter. If you try and deal with this alone, or talk to anyone who may not understand your predicament, then you may only tie your mind up into knots, which will make everything worse.

As for now, give the OCD thoughts no more attention, relax, have a good night's sleep. Talk to us tomorrow, and arrange to see your counsellor. (I can't remember if you said you were having sessions at the moment or not)

I hope you feel better soon, Giles.

Fri Aug 27 2010 0:07:05 #
Gigolo
Member

I feel better knowing that you cannot just become afflicted.

It can be a pain in the backside, particularly as the people you also want to talk to are never available. I think a lot of this is caused by stressful situations that aggrivate my OCD.

I've started downloading porn again. I want to try and kick this.

It's just the guilt I have for something that doesn't actually exist but is created realistically by my mind

giles

Fri Aug 27 2010 9:21:10 #
Unregistered

Hi Giles

Hang on in there.

Why don't you go back to reviewing those films? It really seems to have helped you at the time.

Have a good weekend
Love
Anne

Fri Aug 27 2010 16:11:52 #
Unregistered

For me, getting annoyed with my OCD for being so 'predictable' really helped. I would sigh in my head and go 'God, these thoughts, REALLY can you not come up with something better...always sex, violence or racism' or some such. I'm not sure if this has worked for other people but it really gave me some relief so it's worth a try.

I also think, like stevieb, it is very important to keep certain boundaries in place, especially in the work environment. Everyone wears 'masks', it's a very human thing to do and it is important to protect ourselves so don't feel like not fully sharing the content of your OCD with people means you have a 'dirty little secret', rather you are suffering from something that is not well understood by the general population and as such it is better for you to only discuss it with certain people.

Good luck x

Fri Aug 27 2010 17:54:07 #
Gigolo
Member

Too true. Its tough when one of your compulsions is to tell everyone everything about yourself. I think my anxiety has now reached safe levels.

Fri Aug 27 2010 18:00:38 #
Unregistered

I know it must be hard but if it is one of your compulsions then I think it is EVEN more important to not give in to the urge to divulge because in doing so you reinforce the compulsion. I am sure you know all this but I always find that reiteration helps. Also, remember from time to time most of the population have these thoughts that you (and I!) have. The difference is our reaction to them, thus causing them to become more frequent. The traditional CBT method is to say 'this is an OCD thought' but I found it more helpful to say 'This is an irrational response to a harmless thought' because that took some of the 'punch' out of the thought and placed the emphasis on my reaction to the thought. It is our REACTIONS notour thoughts that are the problem. As Virginia Woolf said 'It is far more difficult to murder a phantom than a reality' - we find it hard to rid ourselves of these thoughts precisely because they are untrue and so abhorrent to us.
xx

Fri Aug 27 2010 18:27:57 #
Gigolo
Member

I absolutely agree relievedOCDer.

I hope that I can keep a level-headed approach to my postings, as I have been doing in the last 8 days.

Giles

Fri Aug 27 2010 22:53:35 #
Gigolo
Member

Here's a personal entry from my notepad today:

"I'm still a nervous wreck emotionally from yesterday. I will get on with my work and continue to try and reflect the values of sky broadband, but whenever I want to talk to somebody, I am reminded of that time I nearly became that persona and felt incredibly guilty in front of my colleague. I fear that creative writing may not be for me, because of my fragile mindset, where I am under the constant barrage from The OCD Gremlin. I struggle so much. Today, I'm shaking, not visibly but enough to rocket my blood pressure. How do I come out with story ideas? More importantly, how do I get these down onto paper without the OCD Gremlin making it impossible for me to concentrate?"

Fri Aug 27 2010 23:07:06 #