OCD Action

stranger
Member

actually i had been suffering from OCD for last 5 years, but i always thought it was just depression. i think i am gay and for many reasons i use to think i have depression because i haven't mentally accepted my sexuality. anyhow to make the story short, i ended up one day having sex with someone who was a total stranger. since then i started fearing i might would have caught HIV/AIDS. i started to feel all the symptoms. i started to feel i have soar throat, i feel weak, i have spots everywhere, i have lymph nodes. the fear went to so much extreme that i started eating alot, stopped talking to people at home, stopped smoking, started praying a lot. i started going for hiv tests. every day i use to get a hiv test which use to be negative. for 2 continuous years i went for hiv tests more than twice a week. everytime my hiv test came out negative. today it's been more than 3 years and i still fear that i might have hiv, even though all the tests were negative.

apart from that i have developed serious OCD symptoms. I check locks again and again and again. i put my alarm in the night to wake up early and i keep on checking the alarm again and again. sometimes for 2 hours, sometimes until morning. and i don't get satisfied with the alarm until i see the light of my mobile phone going off in a specific manner. i have to keep looking at specific places of the mobile screen until the light goes off. everytime i turn my side i have to check my mobile alarm again. and again it takes me atleast 15 to 20 minutes to get satisfied that mobile alarm will work in the morning.

i work in a coffee shop and we have to clock in our employee number to make sure that we have started the work. i am the only employee who clocks in more than 30 times in every shift.

i call my one and only friend who really hates me now more than 30 times a day.

before going to sleep i throw water in the toilet bin to make sure it wont catch fire from the thrown cigarettes by my flat mates, and kill everyone in the home.

before i leave my home, i check all the lights and all the bins and kitchen counters more than 3 times to get satisfied.

after i leave my work, i call back again more than twice to make sure i didn't do anything wrong at work.

i also keep having thoughts that my friend (who is straight and doesn't know i am in strong love with him) is with some girl. i have thoughts that he is always having sex with some of his neighbours. or girls at his workplace. i keep checking his neck to see if has love bites from sex he had. i have made his life miserable and i feel so sad.

i keep calling my other freind as well again and again for no reason just to check whether he is fine or not.

i keep fearing if i will have gay sex, or lie, or hurt someone i will get punished or something really bad will happen to me.

i am really going crazy with all these serious problems. plzz advice me something what shall i do??

any help will be really appreciated.

thanks

Mon Dec 21 2009 21:10:48 #
Unregistered

Dear Stranger

Sorry not to have replied earlier I have had three days off from the forum and suddenly saw that your message has not recieved a reply.

Although my problems centre on contamination I do do a lot of checking (door handles especially) and it is very frustrating. When I was really bad a few weeks ago I also had to check the alarm clock every time I turned over to make sure I was still in bed. As a result I got hardly any sleep.

I don't know if you are on any medication or receiving NHS or private treatment, but a combination of both and help from this forum have helped. I take 20mg of citalopram a day and this has helped cut down on the thoughts and reduce the panic attacks. As a result it has been far easier for me to do my CBT homework which fouces on ignoring my thoughts and compulsions. If you cut down on the checking bit by bit it works better than doing it all at once. I am trying to check the door once only each time and after 5 weeks no longer look at the alarm clock.

I think one of the hard things for us OCD sufferers is to trust anyone. So you are not alone there. But I think that you must give it a try. As I have said before, it is not possible to have 100% certainty so we must try to cope without. This means not asking for reassurance and learning to trust yourself. As you begin to get control back your inner strength will take over and your life should become much easier. In fact, when we do get better we can become extraordinarily strong human beings.

Very best of luck
My thoughts are with you
Glad

Tue Dec 22 2009 17:12:57 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Hi,

I used to think I had HIV, there was always some reason why.
You definitely don't though, all those tests can't be wrong.

If you haven't seen your GP yet - you should.
Then you could see a therapist and CBT will really help and your therapist will tell you if they think you need meds.
Your GP will help you with all this.

Nicola

Wed Dec 23 2009 11:46:56 #
vmb
Member

Hi stranger I think cbt is a good option for u it can really help to rationalize obsessive thoughts. Try and adopt more self belief even tho that is easier said then done.

Maybe try and cut the cumpulsions check things for reassurance down by half or even just a quartre for a while; Just to regain a little control of them.

Having obsessive thoughts about sexuality is a common trait with OCD, if you think you are truely Gay but are having difficulty with it even more reason for professional help, it can be really useful to let all that stuff off to a stranger.

What your going through sounds very difficult but u can get through this..be strong!!! ps try not to worry bout HIV thing u defo aint got it if the test were negative. They dont get that stuff wrong especially not that many times...hope u find a solution, let us know how u get on

Sat Jan 9 2010 1:35:55 #