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Hurting loved one

(2 posts) (2 voices)
  • Started 1 year ago by zde1979
  • Latest reply from Cuthbert ffoliott
  • This topic is Not a support question
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    zde1979
    Member

    Hi,

    I have always been a worrier all my life, quite reserved, and quiet person. I have been with my wife for a year and a half, we recently married in the UK and are going to Kenya (she is Kenyan) to renew our vows in a couple of weeks.

    The problem I have started around Christmas time. I had these imaginations/thoughts that I was hurting or killing her. The main thing was stangling her, and I think it started as a result of computer games, or TV, although they were not horror (I have never liked anyway), just games and TV with moderate violence. I managed to use a lot of self-help services like the Internet, or books, and recently had managed to accept the thoughts rather than negetivley react to them, and this was definitley starting to help. I find stuck around the house worse, and this weekend we wen to her sisters which definitley helped. However on return today, I was still feeling fine, and coping well, but then I had these thoughts as we were dancing together and I reached to simply place my hand very gently around her throat. I felt disgusted that I had even gone as far as to do that and let it get me upset again, although perhaps it was just me 'testing' to see if I still had control over my actions. I don't feel I was thinking about killing her, simply obsessing for a few seconds, about the thought of her throught or strangulation.

    We have discussed several times, and she understands although clearly it has been upsetting for both of us, and I don't want to make things worse by going to someone where I may have to release all of the thoughts again. I would rather forgot and try and deal with it, if the acceptance method is going to keep helping. I really thought things were getting easier, and has brought books such as Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts' I don't beleive I would ever hurt her, and was fustrated by what hapened today, but I thought I would post a message on her anyway in case anyone has had similar sitatuions happen, and the best way to cure the obessive thoughts forever.

    Adrian

    Sun Feb 14 2010 19:11:44 #
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    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    Hiya Adrian -

    first: you have my sympathy, and that of all others here, I dare to say.

    Thanks for being so open about it. I would say that you need not worry that you will 'realize' that which you so dread. Because people with obssessions generally are folks with an 'overdeveloped' conscience. Feelings of guilt may play a major role. Where that guilt stems from, that is not crucial; what is crucial is that in your mind, feelings of guilt (in general, not specific) may be converted to obsessions that you, being 'guilty', may perform a bad act.

    Please don't take all of this too literal. It is a possible story about how OCD vexes us. Guilt can make us think of any 'worst possible act'; and that can well be hurting someone we dearly love. It is a mean way in which OCD may work. Other people drive a car, and are constantly plagued by the idea that they have just run over a child; they must turn back and look at the road, to make sure they did not do that; as a result, they always arrive too late. It's one of many, many examples.

    The act you fear is usually performed by people with extreme tendencies towards impulsive behaviour, and with problems concerning the way their conscience works (it may be dysfunctional, or absent at certain times).

    Everything in your letter says to me that you are quite the opposite of those people: very scrupulous, very conscientious.

    I know: perhaps this does not help you in any practical way. It may not alleviate your worries.

    I deeply respect and admire the fact that you let your wife in on your 'secret'. This is no doubt the first and necessary step to real healing.

    Feel free to comment, criticize, and/or PM me at any time. Then I'll try to answer ASAP.

    Ciao, and all the best, Cuthbert.

    Mon Feb 15 2010 8:29:21 #

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