OCD Action

james_28
Member

I'm new here, so hello everybody. I'm James, 28 years old from the UK.

I've had a problem for several years now, which I've kept to myself as I don't feel like anybody else would understand.

I have a problem with objects being 'infected'. They are infected by being in a certain make of car.

This all started nearly 8 years ago when I was in a job and had a company car. Before this I had enjoyed owning and looking after my own cars, this may have been partly due to my father being a mechanic. In this job I already was not sure I wanted a company car as I missed owning my own and having the choice of changing it whenever I wanted.

At the time of the new company car, I was still quite a shy person and not one to make much of a fuss about things. I knew that I didnt like the look of these new cars, but I felt powerless to question the company I worked for, even though it was a small company. I was scared to approach a director about the issue. Part of me liked the idea of a brand new car so I ended up doing nothing. As soon as I got the new car it didnt take long before I started to regret not doing anything, as I found the new car big, ugly, and totally against my tastes. I thought it was a monstrosity.

Thinking back to this time I think that I had several other issues in my head which I was trying to deal with, and this allowed quite a lot of time to pass before I started to think about the car again. I was partly putting up with it as on one hand it was saving me money in fuel as I was using it for personal use too. 2 years passed somehow and I, still in the same job, was getting anxious about the car. I kept trying to make excuses in my head why I was still driving it, thinking maybe it's me thats the problem, and its only a car, but I was not at ease. I kept talking about it to lower-rank staff in the company who were easier to talk to. They generally agreed it was a crap car. The manufacturer even went out of business about this time which was fitting as I was so angry about it, I dont even like to say the name of the company.

I cant seem to write any more on this post so I will continue on another.

Thu Oct 15 2009 14:52:45 #
james_28
Member

I was very close to quitting the job at the time, and I think I would have, if I wasnt worried about what my parents would say at the time. Looking back I would have thought of an excuse to get around it like I want to go to uni and get a better job but at the time I couldnt think. The company started talking about getting some new cars at this point, a much more popular model. So I thought maybe this is the way out. However the process of ordering new cars dragged on and on and I was getting really depressed.

This is about when the problems got worse, as I started developing some sort of phobia towards the car and was avoiding driving it as much as possible, and I also started to get ideas that things in the car were becoming infected. I even would have to have a bath once I'd finished work to feel clean and hope I had no reason to go back in it that evening.

Once I got the new car I thought maybe things could get better, but I started getting obsessed with infected items, things that I knew had been in the old car or in another one of the same cars other colleagues had driven. I had to keep using the toilet to wash my hands before leaving a customer as I might have touched infected items while I was working. I didnt want the new car to become infected by things I'd touched from the old car. I also ended up throwing a lot of things out and buying new stuff. For example I threw out loads of clothes and bought new ones.

Eventually I left that job, and that was over 3 years ago but I still have problems.. For example some flooring in my old bedroom at my parents was brought home in 'that' car and even though I cleaned it when I was still living there It still reminds me of the pain and I have to avoid stepping on it. The time I was there I had a rug I stepped on to avoid the laminate flooring. Also a lot of my grans belongings were moved in that car when she moved house so I worry when I go round there that I will come into contact with an infected object. Some of the time I am questioning things even if I cant be sure one way or another.

Thu Oct 15 2009 15:03:48 #
Unregistered

Welcome, James!

No-one could possibly say you didn't give the car a chance. You must have spent many hours driving it. Is this something you have discussed with anyone? Do you have other OCD symptoms?

I don't know why you couldn't write more, but hopefully you will be able to if you try again.

Best wishes, Tricia.

Thu Oct 15 2009 15:04:23 #
james_28
Member

I have to buy a lot of things 'new' for example books or cd's , as I worry that if I buy used that the item might have been in one of these cars.

This anxiety/fear/phobia has affected so many things, and its on a daily basis. It has driven me to read several books about life/spirituality/the mind to try and find ways of getting over it. I admit in some ways its driven me on to learn new things and try to rise above it, but I am still depressed and sad about it. I only wish I could go back and never have had that job. It was a chance meeting that I got it in the first place and I wish I never was in that place at that time. I feel like it was forced on me in some ways. I often have felt like a victim and thought 'why me'. I tried talking to a friend and parents about the problem in a roundabout way but it never seemed to be a concern for them , and it was just me that was the problem.

Anyway I came on here as I felt it was time I admitted I have a problem, for years I've been trying to avoid everything and hoping it would go away. Thanks for listening.

Thu Oct 15 2009 15:10:19 #
Unregistered

Sorry, James, you must have managed to post the next message before I was aware of it. I really don't know what to advise. Do you have any particular fear of what will happen with these infected items? I personally don't with the contamination I fear, so I do understand if you don't.

You are certainly like me, in that you are really stressed about things that became âcontaminated' a while back. Most people seem OK with objects after time. I believe that makes us harder to treat, but if you are not receiving any help I would consider seeing your doctor.

Tricia x

Thu Oct 15 2009 15:11:02 #
Unregistered

Missed your last message, too. This sounds as though it's affecting your life quite badly. I also have to buy everything new, so I understand. I wonder whether anything else would have cropped up, if you hadn't been in that job, or been given that car. Usually an OCD symptom in itself is not the problem and many of us drift from one obsession to another.

Tricia x

Thu Oct 15 2009 15:15:05 #
james_28
Member

Tricia,

Thanks for the reply. I find it overwhelming when I come across possible infected items, it becomes more important than anything else. For example if somebody offered me an item I knew was infected but might be worth a lot of money I would refuse as this problem to me is more important than money.

In my new job one person drives one of these cars and I worry about coming into physical contact with her or touching things that she has. When I see one of these cars I feel like torching it as to me its just representative of death, ugliness, pain, negativity. I feel angry at whoever designed these cars as I dont know what they could have been thinking to design something like this?

You might be right when you said you wonder what other obsessesions I might have had if this one didnt come up, I dont know. But I would do anything to be able to erase the past and avoid all this pain. In some ways its made me better in other aspects of my life, I think the pain can be a motivator, but it also can be a dark cloud above me.

I feel this problem has consumed my thoughts too much, and I cant seem to find any answers, which is why maybe talking to others might help put things in perspective. I just want to be free, not worrying. As my mum says I was such a happy little boy, I try to keep positive but I feel like I have a constant weight above me. Other problems have come and gone, I feel this one might have too, if I hadnt let it drag on so long. I think the point where it started affecting everyday objects was the turning point if I had gotten out before then it might not have got anywhere near this bad.

Thu Oct 15 2009 15:29:58 #
Unregistered

James, I've just seen your latest message. I'm sure others will reply, but I will come back tomorrow. I have things I must do, I also want to think about the things you have written.

Tricia x

Thu Oct 15 2009 15:34:50 #
Unregistered

Dear James, I've been giving your situation considerable thought. I was hoping other people would have come up with some suggestions, but maybe they feel as I do and donât really know what to advise. I would certainly ask your doctor to refer you to a psychologist. As to any exposure therapy, I feel that will be difficult, because you seem to have faced exposure by driving the car for a long time, without giving in to your feelings. However, it is possible that cognitive therapy will help you. Try not to feel angry with the car's manufacturers or yourself. I still believe the problem would have manifested itself in another way, if that car had never existed.

Maybe if you had done as you said and reacted differently, things would not have escalated to the desperate state you now find yourself in. But you don't know that and you certainly didnât know it at the time! It's pointless going back, it only adds to your pain. The 'what if I had or hadn't' never helps! I am concerned that you still feel very uncomfortable about the flooring and the objects at your gran's which were contaminated by the car so long ago. I also react like that to contamination from the past. I feel that may make us harder to treat, but hopefully I am wrong. I know a few people who believe contamination has disappeared after a short period of time. I do wish my brain viewed it that way!

My contamination started out of the blue and involved the two dogs I adored. The fear escalated. I don't know if I could have done anything to halt that. I cared for the dogs and kept them until they died, many years later. A friend asked her psychologist what would be the best course of action for me to take and (without knowing I owned two dogs) he replied that I should buy a dog. Probably, if your fears over that car had begun when a friend or neighbour owned one, a psychologist would have encouraged you to buy one yourself, or at least regularly go in your friend's. Sadly your perseverance didn't pay off.

I really would seek help as soon as possible. Also, although many don't believe hypnotherapy is useful in treating OCD, there are people who have responded quite well to it. I do wonder if a good hypnotherapist could change the way you view the car.

Tricia x

Fri Oct 16 2009 14:10:27 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Hi James

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to read about your distressing problem. I can relate to it in a way because I went through something similar when I was in my teens. I was bullied at secondary school and didn't know how to handle it. In those days bullying wasn't talked about openly and I went to the sort of school where you were expected to be a man and stand up for yourself, whereas I've always been a wimp! My coping mechanism was to split my life into 2 parts: when I was at school I gritted my teeth through the horrible ordeal, but when I was not at school I tried to enjoy life as much as possible. In my mind I tried to keep these 2 sides of my life distinctly apart. When I wasn't at school I pretended to myself that the school side of my life didn't exist and I buried my painful emotions about it.

One Saturday I was at home and decided to play some music in my bedroom. It was a tape of old English medieval & renaissance music. As I was listening to it I lay on my bed while idly reading the back cover of the tape's box. Suddenly I noticed that the conductor or one of the chief performers of the music was called Edward. It so happened that one of the boys at school who had been tormenting me was also called Edward, and from then on I could not stop associating the Edward at school with that particular tape of music in my mind. Just as I felt anxious and upset about Edward at school, so I also felt negative towards that tape of music. The harder I tried to disassociate the 2 things in my mind, the more firmly they became connected. I could not think about or enjoy the music without feeling an onrush of the painful emotions I experienced at school. After several weeks of trying to feel differently about that tape, I reluctantly got rid of it because I couldn't stand to have it in the house any longer and I wasn't able to enjoy that music any more.

For the next several years I came to regard many other objects or people or ideas as polluted merely because of a common denominator with the people who were bullying me, even though the common denominator was totally subjective and capricious. It restricted me in various ways, for example, there were certain foods that I used to enjoy but which I no longer wanted to eat. I wish I could tell you I discovered a way to overcome this problem but I think it just disappeared gradually of its own accord, probably as the bullying died down or as I learned to work through painful emotions in a healthier way.

James, I would recommend you seek professional help. How would you feel about telling your problem to your GP to see what he thinks? Whatever you decide to do I wish you success in overcoming this, as I can see it is dominating your life and ruining your happiness.

Best wishes
Parvez

Fri Oct 16 2009 15:32:00 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Hi Tricia

May I ask you about something you said to James please?

You wrote:

As to any exposure therapy, I feel that will be difficult, because you seem to have faced exposure by driving the car for a long time, without giving in to your feelings.

James admitted that even though he continued driving the car for a long time, he had a bath each day after getting home from work, and he washed his hands after touching objects that had been in the car and eventually got rid of most of those objects. I don't think that is what is meant by 'exposure'. I would have thought having a bath and getting rid of 'infected' items would merely consolidate and intensify James' phobia in the long run, despite bringing him short-term relief. Exposure in James' case would mean driving the car without having a bath afterwards and learning to live with the horrible feelings it causes. Therefore I would have thought James can afford to be hopeful that cognitive behavioural therapy from a good psychologist involving exposure & response prevention may yield good results?

Best wishes .... Parvez

Mon Oct 19 2009 16:03:20 #
Unregistered

Yes, Parvez, you are right, I overlooked James' clean up procedure at the end of each day. In any case, it would be worth another try. Behaviourists, though, do differ in their views on the length of exposure. My friend at the Yale clinic is not expected to hold out for more than a few hours if she is still distressed. Apparently, most people do notice a reduction in the level of fear after a very short time.

Maybe with good cognitive therapy, exposure would work better for James anyway.

Tricia x

Tue Oct 20 2009 14:21:17 #
james_28
Member

thanks for the replies so far i will reply shortly when i have time

Wed Oct 21 2009 18:52:44 #
james28
Member

sorry about taking a while to reply. i dont know what is wrong with me, but my mind is still going round and round thinking of the causes of my problems and how i would have done things differently, to either not have got into the situation i was in or to have gotten out of it a lot quicker than i did.

i kind of feel why did it happen to me, why was i working at that small company who decided to buy this horrible, big, ugly, pretentious, old fashioned model of car instead of a standard car most other companies would buy. and why did i not speak up and suggest alternatives when i had the chance. why the hell did i let it go on for so long. why did i keep putting it aside and hoping it would go away, why didnt i trust my instincts? why did i tell myself to put up with it? why did i believe once it was over i would be able to forget all about it?

in fact i may have been able to forget all about it had it not gone on for the time it did. when i said about having a bath and changing clothes, that was only near the end of the time, when i was told i was getting a new car which kept getting delayed. things got a whole lot worse in those last few months.

forward to now and i just look back now and think life is just too short to think like i was, i was young but i should not have thought 'oh well i can put up with this whether im happy or not'. nobody around me knows whats going on in my head. i feel a slight anger at those who were near to me at the time as i tried to tell people how i was feeling without being totally clear. but people either thought i was being stupid, didnt seem bothered, or just thought it was funny. nobody said 'look mate if your not happy then do something about it'.

why at the time i thought that job was so important i'll never know. i could have just quit and got another job. but the shy/unconfident side of me was dominant, i had low self confidence.

immediately after i had to find answers and reading books on spirituality helped, especially separating mind and body, living in the now, seeing past and future as just thoughts. in fact i want to read a particular book again - steven harrison "doing nothing" as that did help until recently. recently i feel like i'm falling back into a depression trap, and still coming across objects i see as infected. some of the time i cant even remember if something was infected (whether it had been in that car). i also think well i was in the car more than most of these objects so i must be infected, but that thought is just too close to home and how could i function if my own body was infected.

i have in fact since these events probably looked after my body a lot better than ever before. i dont even know why. i suppose i kind of feel like my body didnt do anything wrong it was my mind. its like i'm hoping one day i'll feel positive again and until that time i want to look after myself.

living in the now helps with my problems but then a family member talks about the past and its usually something good from when i was younger and i then think well i dont really want to forget the past completely. i want to be able to look back and smile but this 2 1/2 years of hell keeps getting in the way.

up until that point i was quite a confident person in my own way, i was often late at growing up , but i would get there in the end. i would make some mistakes but never anything i thought too long about after. the main thing that made me happy was having the freedom to express my tastes and my own ideas with my decisions in life (such as choosing a car). then feeling like i was having something forced on me i didnt want and didnt represent my tastes in any way, felt wrong.

anyway im probaby not making much sense to anyone here but thanks for listening. and in reply to parvez, about exposure to this car well i can tell you for sure that it would not do me any good to come into contact with this model of car again, any time i see one, even a similar model i feel a dark depression come over me, the look of the car makes me think of death, it really is horrible. i dont even like to say the name of it.

Sun Nov 1 2009 22:43:32 #
Moocher
Member

What's with the change of name from james_28 to james28? Did you have problems logging on?

Mon Nov 2 2009 8:59:43 #
Moocher
Member

It's no good blaming yourself for having OCD. You either have OCD or you don't. You didn't do anything to cause it.

I look back at things that have caused my OCD and I think why did I do that? etc. But the truth is that if you allow it to take a grip, it will, and anything could have set it off. The things you are saying about the car aren't logical. You're absolutely obsessed with it. Therefore, what you are saying isn't anything actually to do with the car but to do with the way your mind is working.

People around you wouldn't have taken seriously what you were saying because they won't be familiar with OCD and how seriously it can affect people. They would just put you down as someone who's a bit of an old fusspot over what car you drive.

I don't think it would have made a difference if you had changed jobs. The OCD would just have got hold of something else instead as soon as you were put under any kind of stress.

Spirituality is completely unrelated to OCD. Anything that helps you relax can help to calm down the OCD but your spiritual outlook is nothing to do with OCD. You don't get punished with OCD for being unspiritual.

That's good. You need to remember how good things were in the past. Because overcoming OCD involves remembering how you used to be and how you used to see things.

I don't think you need to be exposed physically to the car. I think you just need to do some exposure in your mind. Like thinking about how other people might see the car. Just think, there are people out there who really love that particular type of car. How might they be viewing the car differently from you? Would other people use this car if they would get infected by it? They don't see any infection, you see the infection. Therefore that perception is different from the norm.

I'm not being flippant. I understand the severity of your problem. I just wanted to say though that your posts remind me of that Stephen King film "Christine".

Mon Nov 2 2009 9:21:19 #
jon
Member

Hi Moocher,

I agree with all of what you said except for one thing that puzzzles me and I quote "because overcoming OCD involves remembering how you used to be and how you used to see things" (sorry, I don't know how to do that clever box thing that people do). I am not 100% sure what you mean by this. I've had OCD for 30 years and I cannot member how I felt pre ocd, except that I did'nt have obsessions & compulsions. If you mean how you felt towards something before it became a new obsession then I think I can understand that.

Regards

Jon

Mon Nov 2 2009 14:11:24 #
Moocher
Member

I can never understand how to do the clever box thing either. It's pretty complicated.

I know what you mean. That's part of the problem, that it's so hard to remember what it was like not having OCD. But apparently, that's the cure. Reverting your behavior back to how it was before you had OCD. When your behaviour was normal. So if you get a new obsession about something, or a compulsion, you've got to revert your behaviour back to how it was before the obsession or compulsion started. But it's really, really difficult.

Tue Nov 3 2009 6:16:41 #
Nimrod
Key Master

[quote="Moocher":x0ajg7ur]I can never understand how to do the clever box thing either. It's pretty complicated.

I know what you mean. That's part of the problem, that it's so hard to remember what it was like not having OCD. But apparently, that's the cure. Reverting your behavior back to how it was before you had OCD. When your behaviour was normal. So if you get a new obsession about something, or a compulsion, you've got to revert your behaviour back to how it was before the obsession or compulsion started. But it's really, really difficult.

If you click on the "Quote" box in the top right had side of the posting you will get the clever box thing in your reply. Give it try. You can even edit what is in the clever box.

Caps

Tue Nov 3 2009 21:17:06 #
james_28
Member

moocher, thanks for your post, and to tricia and parvez.

as i said, the 'infection' part of my problem didnt manifest itself for a while, at first i just thought the car was unusual, ugly, and a monstrosity to look at. it was only later on that i started feeling like it could infect objects and make me feel dirty.

i think you may be right and my staying in the uncomfortable situation for so long, it somehow screwed up my mind. its like my minds been twisted and cant put itself back to how it should be.

when i'm talking about infected items, well surely i am the most infected item as i was in the car longer than any of the other items. however i've since had many baths and showers and feel i am clean now and bought new clothes.

the other people who have been in the car are not infected unless they still have items that they took in the car, that cant or havent been washed. i am happy if clothes have been through a washing machine, even though i threw out all of my own.

see this is how screwed up my mind has become with regards to this issue. which in some ways is why forgetting all about it might be the best way. i have read steven harrison and eckhart tolle who talk about past/future just being in the mind and how living in the present moment and being more conscious of the present and senses can help you out of past pain.

well anyway i'd really like to keep hearing from you as i feel it might help me feel better, are there any books people can recommend? half of me feels like i need closure on this problem, as with many other problems i've had in the past, eventually i can accept things and move on, i work out a way of thinking about the past problem and accept it then move on. but with this problem i can't find that acceptance, so i can't move on. every time i see one of these cars on the road i get a sinking feeling and try to look away, and i still come across infected items, but i cant say anything as no one else knows about this and would think i'm mad to say somethings infected.

Fri Nov 13 2009 21:44:59 #