I'm sorry I haven't been around very much, I've been too ill to contribute normally. Every minute of every day these last two-three weeks has been hell. I'm about to leave a university where I've hated most of my time there, where my course is a running joke and I've barely met a person I give a damn about. Yet I'm so depressed because I can't take the uncertainty of leaving.
I've blown an obscene amount of cash that I definetly cannot afford recently in an attempt to mask everything. I've been drunk, I've smoked and done anything in my power to escape. I'm in money, health and family trouble. I just can't do this anymore. It takes me hours again to get out of bed. I'm rapidly losing my patience with everyone around me, especially at university. I try not to isolate myself but I'm hit with a constant wall of irritation and jealousy. Everyone seems to have everything worked out. The people I live with are the sort who if you'd push out of a 50 storey building they'd land in the back of a moving pillow truck. I've got nothing. Not even my health anymore.
I have succumbed to suicidal ideation yet again. I wouldn't do it, but if certain things were to go (like my girlfriend and family support) I just wouldn't care. All I seem to do is drain people and moan and yet all my feelings are trapped within me.
When I do eventually make it out of bed I don't do hardly anything. My work as a whole has tailed off, I've stopped caring and I'm at my happiest lying in bed doing nothing with my door locked.
I feel awful too for succumbing to envy. I've been made to feel like an urchin for three years and it's taking it's toll. I bought £10 worth of scratchcards (that again, I couldn't afford) and didn't win even a single pound back. That really does sum everything up at the minute.
I'm sorry to spew out on here but if I didn't talk to someone I was going to explode.
Thanks for reading,