OCD Action

slogsweep
Member

Hi everyone.

I'm sorry I haven't been around very much, I've been too ill to contribute normally. Every minute of every day these last two-three weeks has been hell. I'm about to leave a university where I've hated most of my time there, where my course is a running joke and I've barely met a person I give a damn about. Yet I'm so depressed because I can't take the uncertainty of leaving.

I've blown an obscene amount of cash that I definetly cannot afford recently in an attempt to mask everything. I've been drunk, I've smoked and done anything in my power to escape. I'm in money, health and family trouble. I just can't do this anymore. It takes me hours again to get out of bed. I'm rapidly losing my patience with everyone around me, especially at university. I try not to isolate myself but I'm hit with a constant wall of irritation and jealousy. Everyone seems to have everything worked out. The people I live with are the sort who if you'd push out of a 50 storey building they'd land in the back of a moving pillow truck. I've got nothing. Not even my health anymore.

I have succumbed to suicidal ideation yet again. I wouldn't do it, but if certain things were to go (like my girlfriend and family support) I just wouldn't care. All I seem to do is drain people and moan and yet all my feelings are trapped within me.

When I do eventually make it out of bed I don't do hardly anything. My work as a whole has tailed off, I've stopped caring and I'm at my happiest lying in bed doing nothing with my door locked.

I feel awful too for succumbing to envy. I've been made to feel like an urchin for three years and it's taking it's toll. I bought £10 worth of scratchcards (that again, I couldn't afford) and didn't win even a single pound back. That really does sum everything up at the minute.

I'm sorry to spew out on here but if I didn't talk to someone I was going to explode.

Thanks for reading,
Slog

Sun 6 May 2012 22:11 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Slog -

...and thank you for your very honest exposé here, it is courageous to write something like that (and it's one of the wonders of this board; in fact it's one of the functions of this board to blow off steam while you're naked, so to speak).

I feel sorry for you re: the feelings and unwanted acts that you go through. My first thought: I can very well see that you feel so bad about leaving that course. For most, if not all OCD patients, change is a burden, something that's looked toward with fear and revulsion; even if the situation one's about to leave is a bad one. Better being in dire but predictable circumstances than in uncertain circumstances, is the patient's motto.

Hence it is very understandable that there's a flight into 'desperate' acts, like the ones you describe. There is absolutely no need to feel ashamed about that, but there is certainly a need to step out of these, and to make good in different aspects.

I do not know if you are dependent on drinking and smoking - I have the impression that that is not the case. If I am right, then I'd say: whilst you still have the opportunity to stop that intake, do so. Drinking in particular is insidious, it seems to offer half an hour to two hours of relief, and then already the 'mental hangover' sets in. Bad feelings. Bad feelings that one may ascribe to one's OCD, but that in fact stems from the alcohol intake.

Before I go any further, would you care to tell me whether you have therapy and/or medication? You may have told me about that in the past, but with so many members it's hard to have that info at the ready in my mind - moreover, people may change over time in this respect.

And hey - despite all your trouble, you have a sense of wry humour very much intact; I for one had to laugh out loud when reading about the people you live with 'landing in a pillow truck', should they fall out of the window...

...please hang on in there, I am with you in spirit all day long, promised!

Best, Cuthbert.

Mon 7 May 2012 8:06 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Cuthbert, thanks for your reply,

I finished CBT a month ago, very effective vs the ocd but I didn't have time to combat the depression side of things.

I used to be a heavy drinker and smoker but I stopped both completley in October. Post CBT I've had the odd drink until recently where I've been using it as escapism.

Part of the problem is that I spend a lot of time caring and looking after people in my family life who are going through very tough times. Nobody here at uni has this sort of pressure, therefore nobody understands, empathises or gives a damn.

And like you say, I can't tolerate change. I had a major episode when I was 18 (left school) and struggled with my early days during the transitional period into secondary school.

I honestly don't know what more I can do, I've done CBT and I take medication and yet here I am completley devoid of motivation and crippled with lethargy.

Sorry for the mememe in that reply, but thank you for listening to me when nobody else will.

Slog

Mon 7 May 2012 9:32 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Slog -

first: don't apologise for the 'me me me'. We OCD people are forced to occupy ourselves with our own personalities, it is not something we do out of vanity, as is the case with so many airhead celebrities. So: no need to say sorry here.

I can well understand your frustration about those people who seem to be living the good life to the full, whilst you are fulfilling those taxing family duties. What's to say here? Well, from a moral perspective you are doing an outstanding job. The fruits you reap are surely different, but believe me: they're there.

Yeah, change... it's weird, innit? I always had problems with seeing others embracing the prospect of change, feeling merry, telling everyone... where I myself saw every change as some insurmountable problem that could bring no good (even if the advantages were there for everyone to see...).

Please stay tuned and keep on posting - we'll listen, no matter how problematic the message is. As fellow patients we keep an open mind, don't judge, and try to help. It must be awfully hard for you not to be able to summon some motivation, to find that effective trigger... but that ability will return.

Best, Cuthbert in Holland.

Mon 7 May 2012 9:48 #
Greytimes
Member

Hi slog, sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I'm not too good on words of wisdom at the moment,but would like to say that I can feel your pain at the minute. I am not seeing anyone at the minute,or taking any meds,so the temptation for me to have a drink is strong,but I know that when I have come down from that so relaxed,warm and fuzzy feeling of the drink I will suffer and my problem is still in front of me like a brick wall. Glad you can vent on here as I have found someone is always there to reply with some good advice. Take care mate.

Mon 7 May 2012 11:03 #
slogsweep
Member

Hello, thank you both for replying again,

I confessed to my mom today that I was depressed again and that I'd got into money troubles. Other than that I haven't been too bad overall once I managed to get up. It's still not easy though. I hope you're both ok and thank you again for taking the time to help me.

Tomorrow's yet another day I guess.

Goodnight,

Slog

Mon 7 May 2012 22:50 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Slog -

good to hear that you told your mom, sharing problems is always helpful. I know this sounds fairly cheap, it's a cliché, but clichés are defined by the fact that they happen to be true.

And: good that you got up and feel relatively well (given the circumstances, I mean).

It's another day indeed, and I (we) hope to hear from you!

Best, Cuthbert.

Tue 8 May 2012 7:56 #
slogsweep
Member

Morning Cuthbert,

Not great this morning. Feeling daunted and hopeless. Just getting out of bed is so difficult.

Guess I'll have to pull on the mask and try and get through another day here.

Slog

Tue 8 May 2012 9:44 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Slog -

good morning anyway, and good to hear from you.

If I may be so bold to ask: do you feel that you're not Slog at all when wearing that mask? Do you feign feeling cheerful when you're not? I am asking this because there may be some form of help that can support you in making less desirable (grouchy, weary perhaps) feelings shine through in a social context, without making you feel yourself a lesser person for that.

Please, if you think: oh, another one with another proposal to get 'therapy', I don't want that!, then don't reply to this. It was just an idea, based on experience: if there's a constant tension between real feelings and the persona that we present to the outside world, that can cause severe depression.

At any rate, stay tuned, and jot down your true state of mind - the board is there for that.

Best, Cuthbert.

Tue 8 May 2012 10:15 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, Hi Slog, it isn't easy is it? I wish I had the words to suggest, but I don't cos you recently completed your CBT... Depression is a condition that runs side by side with OCD, so it is probably more a depression problem now... There are a lot of books about defeating depression, there's lot's in libraries now, so you don't need to be financially well off to get hold of them... Drink is definitely a no no, cos as has already been said it doesn't last long, and the after effects can be even worse... Be good to yourself today... Hopefully things will get easier as the day goes by... You've been there for us on this forum, so now we are here for you...
Wannabe

Tue 8 May 2012 15:09 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you, Cuthbert and Wannabe,

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel numb. Everyone else is at the pub and I'm sitting in my room alone. I've put the heater on full whack just so I can feel something nice, a bit of warmth.

I'm genuinely happier on my own like this, but I'm aware of the dangers of segregating myself from the world. Things do get a bit easier when I have the energy to do things, but since about 2pm I've been knocked flat. I'm off home on Thursday at least.

Incredibly unhappy here but incredibly scared of the unknown when I leave. That about sums things up.

Thank you both and I haven't at least had a drink or a cigarette today,

Slog

Tue 8 May 2012 22:30 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, At least you're not in the pub getting drunk... That would lead to more difficulties... At least you're nice and warm, And at least you are off home on Thursday, so that is good and something to look forward to... I don't really know what else to say rather than just get some sleep I guess in the hope things will look better in the morning... Just keep the hope alive now, the day after tomorrow going home...
When you leave university you'll be at home all the time and maybe things will be better? Hope so... One important thing, don't leave the heater on when you go to bed, you don't need the fire brigade turning up and disturbing your sleep!! You've always had the words for me, and now I'm struggling to find words for you... It isn't long now before you are home...
Wannabe

Tue 8 May 2012 23:10 #
slogsweep
Member

Wannabe you always have the right words. Yeah I'll try and focus on the positives, thank you. I'm going to flick the heater off and go to bed,

Good night and thank you again,

Slog

Tue 8 May 2012 23:33 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, I wish I could get myself through this... Hope you're having a better time today... You're home tomorrow... University isn't for ever... You'll no doubt find something worthwhile to do when you get home... Mind you the job market isn't brilliant, but there are a few about... Anyway, just hoping you're feeling a bit better today...
Wannabe

Wed 9 May 2012 20:46 #