OCD Action

annieg
Member

Hi just wanted to say hello as i am looking for some support in my battle with the dreaded OCD!

I was only diagnosed officially about 2 months ago but i realise i have been suffering symtoms for at least 5 years that i can recall. I have an overwhelming fear of causing a baby or child to die and everywhere i go i think i have done something that may cause harm to a child. Some days i think i have done something like left a carrier bag somewhere and a child will suffocate and it will all be my fault, sometimes its much much worse like the other day i threw some glass i found in the sand pit in the park (I have a 2 year old boy) into the rubbish bin. As soon as i'd done it i feared i may have actually accidently thrown it into a baby's pram not the bin. I then agonise over and over about whether i could have thrown glass at a baby and not intend to.

I'm so scared i am i actually a psyscho path who does terrible things to children without wanting to. The doctors say this is OCD and people with OCD never really do the things they fear! i really hope this is right. That thought keeps me going cos when i really believe i could have done these terrible things i feel like i really don't deserve to be alive. This makes me so depressed and when im depressed my ocd thoughts are worse!! this is truely the most horrrible illness and yet you can't talk to people as they will think you're nuts and run a mile!

my husband is trying his hardest to understand and cope with me but i know it really gets him down and is so confusing for him to understand. On saturday he told me he didnt think i was trying my best to get better. It hurt me so much he may as well have hit me in the face. I struggle to get through each day with these horrible hateful thoughts and he is so close to me yet can't see how hard and desperately im trying to fight this thing and be the best mum i am capable of being for our precious son.

thanks for reading. Im determined to BEAT THIS!!! and support would be most gratefully received and would be nice to communicate with people who understand!

annie x

Mon Aug 4 2008 13:30:36 #
l00ser
Member

Hi Annie,

Welcome. I new as well, I just joined the forum last week.

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from OCD and the effect that it is having on you. I can completely understand the type of thoughts you are having and I too know how distressing they can be.

Also I understand how it must have felt to hear your husband accuse you of not trying hard enough to get better. My family had a hard time understanding my OCD although my parents (unfortunately they are no loner with us) tried very hard and were such a support.

My brother and sister still don't fully understand the effect that OCD can have on you. I can still sense from them that they think I do some of the things just for attention. They used to say things like âif you to stop this OCD I'll get you â¦..â which I found so frustrating. Believe me if I could stop this OCD I would have done so many years ago. It has ruined my life in many ways. I just try to think that they probably meant well and it was their way of trying to help.

I too have young children and want to beat this OCD so as I can be the best dad I can be.

You said that you have been recently diagnosed. What treatment are you receiving?

I hope things get better for you and that you will find this forum useful. At least you can discuss your OCD with people who really know what's its like to live with.

L

Mon Aug 4 2008 21:21:56 #
lambertsimnel
Member

Hi Annie G

That's sounds completely like OCD and the feeling that you might be a psychopath is part of it too! Lots of people on this forum, including me, have been through exactly the same including the sense of isolation that you have with such troubling thoughts. You think you are mad, bad, schitzophrenic, possessed etc when you are no such thing - it's just OCD.

If you want some reading, which would be good for your husband too as he might understand the condition a bit better, I can recommend the OCD Workbook by Hyman and Pederick which is available on Amazon.

When I'm losing perpsective or starting to think "well maybe this time it isn't OCD and I really am a bad person" I return to it.

This broadcast from the Late Late Show in Ireland might also help put things into perspective.

Good luck.

Cheers

Lambert

Tue Aug 5 2008 12:42:31 #
annieg
Member

Thanks both for the advice/suppport. 100ser, i read your other thread and im so shocked your not being offered any CBT seeing as it is the only known psycological therapy proven to be helpful. Surely drugs are only a temporary measure. I have been on and off citalopram for the last 5 years for depression but it really does nothing for my ocd symptoms. I know the nhs is in a pretty poor state but to not even put you on a waiting list is unbelievable! especially if if helped you in the past.

I have had mild ocd stuff for years eg checking my iron and hair straigteners loads before leaving house and being extremely careful not to make a mistake in work (im a nurse so i used to check my drugs over and over before giving). It was always manageable and to be honest apart from getting help for depression i didnt make to much effort to change it as i just thought it was part to me to be extremely cautious and a bit obsessive about stuff. Then 4 months ago i lost a pregnancy in a very early stage. within a few weeks i was suicidal and my OCD completely out of control. everywhere i went i was scared i was going to hurt a baby. the doctors and my hubby think i must be blaming myself for having a miscarriage but to be honest i don't think i do blame myself! i know its just something that happens really commonly to lots of women so that theory just doesn't work! the mind is a wierd place.

anyway I was lucky enough to pay able to pay to see Dr Veale at the Priory and he has recommended a therapist for me to have CBT with. I ve had 3 sessions and im understanding the theory behind how to overcome it but god putting it into practice is another story! now im so aware of my thoughts and obsessions they seem to be x10 worse and i cant leave the house without an incident occuring which makes me feel awful so not feeling better yet. I just feel however that i have to believe the cbt will help because i really cant live forever like this. At least the citalopram seems to be finally kicking in (after 3 months on it this time) and im feeling slightly less depressed.

thanks lambert for the suggestion of that other book, i will order it. im ploughing my way through Dr veale's book at the moment. when i first read the theory of overcoming ocd i thought well i can't do that so i'll move on to the next suggestion, then i realised the entire book was based on the same theory! so HARD!.

Annie x

Thu Aug 7 2008 14:26:44 #
sammy
Member

Hi Annie,
i could relate so much to your post, all of it. I got hit by ocd just before my second child was due and it has been the worst time in my life when i should have been the happiest. my intrusions are to do with children but are slightly different to yours. it is so horrible isn't it i find myself battling through everyday. i am glad you have found this website there are such lovely people here. take care Annie
Love from sammy

Fri Aug 8 2008 14:28:39 #