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Citaloman
Member

I write this as my second big blow out of Pure O is washing over me as from last week when me and my partner split. There are no hard feelings but its meant my life has changed in terms of accomodation and location and she made me feel so safe. I miss that.

Im crying as i write this. 2009 was my first experience of a full blown OCD attack, i have always been over sensitive and a worrier as a child, i worried about my sexuality, i worried about dying and Heaven and Hell, i opened doors in toilets with my feet sometimes.

The hilarious thing about it is that we all use the term OCD but dont accept we have it. We doubt it..! We would rather be guilty than have something wrong with us. If God needed an army of Angels we would be it.

2009 i laid in bed crying one morning and after i was hit with clinical depression a few weeks before and my thoughts went like this.

1. I havent hurt anyone have i ? "oh dont start thinking that now" is what i thought
( at this point i took a diazepam and fell asleep crying )

2. I woke up and started to think about my first thought.

3. I then had to think of a time and place of where this may have happened. (i remember thinking of two locations) ( i also have text messages to my partner saying i had to think of a time/place etc which i use sometimes to feel better)

4. I then for about a day i think started to think i had done something specific. A day later i realised that it wasnt possible so i thought of something else that has now stuck for 2 years. Everything then fell into place and false memories (i hope) slot into place to make it real.

Since this i have been getting back to normality and have been on Citalopram ever since.

I have tried CBT at a leading clinic but it wasnt effective as the guy made me feel like i was already guilty. Not sure if thats part of the CBT strategy.

I would either be dead or in a home if my mum and other family members all on the same side hadnt been through the same thing. Genetics really play a part i believe.

Anyway the first time in 2009 i just kept asking my mum if i would get better and she said "yes", and i did. The thoughts became infrequent and i could brush them off easier but that one never went away. Im able to label thoughts easier now but this one makes me feel like crap still.

But now im stressed and im back to square one although i feel stonger and am able to hide my feelings more easily.

Some days i see sense in my thoughts i had that day and in the manor they occured. But others like today i feel like its all true. My stomach fills with adrenaline and brain feels like it needs to turn off. My mums upset as she thinks she gave it to me, which she did but thats just the way the genes split and i love her with all my heart. My brother and father are the most calmest people in the world. My dad helped my mum through various OCD battles in the past and he is amazing but i see inside he is sick to death of it. Hes retired and i want him to have time to just be him without me glogging his ears all day.

Last week i had the thought of fighting back and seeing what happened. I read Brain Lock and started saying its "battle cry" "its not me its ocd..!

This sort of worked but it was shattering. Friday night i drove home and thought you idiot how could you think that way and not know what you had done or had two possibilites of location and incident, i was full of energy and i thought this is it, im free. But no its stayed around me and the buzz of freedom suddenly turned its back on me and i relapsed again.

This is my story as of now. I look at my mum and i dont want to be like her, she worries about everything still and i know she relapses. I want to be free of OCD and her to. She has thought way worse things than me and she went on two have two kids etc. She had it when OCD didnt exist and people thought she was mad. The doctors eventually called it Depression..!

Anyway i have been google searching for a week and have found that there are a mixed reaction to the term "cure". Some say you can get better, others say you should accept that you may have done something wrong and accept that you will never know. The idea of this has made me feel so scared.

Accept that i will never know..! Can someone help me with this concept please.

Thats my story as of today. I know i shouldnt be writing this as its a form of reassurance. At the moment my mind results to well you can always die to escape this, that way you can be free. But im to much of a coward for that so dont worry, but the thought of the rest of my life feeling like this is unbearable. I worry do much now that im goingto never find anyone else to be with as im too much of a liablity.

Long post and im sorry if this upsets anyone, those of you that are better please come forward and those who are currently suffering lets try and send positive energy to each other.

When i was little my mum used to say everthing will be ok, and it was. I hopethat in the future i can look back and smile knowing that i got through it.

As i said before is OCD affects good people then we are an Army Of Angels.

Thankyou

Tue Nov 15 2011 18:26:24 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Citaloman, welcome to the forums... I think we all need a bit of reassurance at times... You mention your experience of CBT leaving you feeling guilty, I sure think the therapist was wrong in that... Crikey, we go to therapy to lose the feelings of guilt, not add to them...
I also greatly like the way you describe us as an army of angels, and that rings well with me, I like the idea... Long posts aren't a problem to this forum.
Accepting that we'll never know is a good thing if you can do it, I guess, but for us OCD sufferers, it is something of a struggle... I struggle with this one too... I haven't as yet got a copy of brain lock, is it helpful to read more than once? I'm looking for books that are a good read, and a good help too, I'd like to have a favourite, but I don't as yet have one...
Anyway, welcome to the forums...
wannabe

Tue Nov 15 2011 19:11:29 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Citaloman, I have the same type of OCD as you, exactly the same. Please try to calm down, I know what you're going through and it's so incredibly awful but there are lots of ways to help us. Your post by the way is very well written so thank you for reassuring me.

Pick up a copy of Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, its about £7 on Amazon or readily available in libraries by David Veale. Also Lee Baeur's "The Imp of The Mind". Both books are absolutely brilliant. Also check out a youtube channel by Charles Linden, he offers explanations and therapy on OCD including our Pure O variant. He is excellent and extremely understanding (he's an ex sufferer of OCD so knows what we're going through). I am also genetically linked to OCD, 3/4 of my close family have it but all in different ways weirdly.

Don't worry about upsetting people, everyone on here is so understanding and we all want to help.

Best wishes for a quick recovery.

Slog

Tue Nov 15 2011 20:24:30 #
Citaloman
Member

Thanks for the praise on my post guys. Its how i feel, im living day by day waiting for my extra 20mg of SSRI's to bed in. I honestly cant see how i will live a normal life again. How will i ever meet another person and have a relationship that i crave to feel safe knowing that i will have to tell them i might be weird?!

"Up is down , and left is right"

Sometimes i get an overwhelming sense of relief that i see sense. Then i worry that i am lying to myself to relieve the pain..!

I have tried the Linden Method but found it un-academic in its approach. Brain Lock is availiable on itunes in audiobook form, i find it great for bed times but other than that its teachings are useless if you wont/cant accept its OCD. As i said we would rather be guilty than ill, as we are supposedly caring people who it would seem care too much.

I have been wondering whether hypnotism is a way forward. After my first attack in 2009 i have learned so much about OCD and other thoughts i can brush off, i feel if i could shake this thought i would be free. Im giving CBT another go soon, hopefully this will be more succesful this time round.

Thankyou, my freinds, we may never meet but share a unique bond.

Tue Nov 15 2011 22:50:36 #
slogsweep
Member

I had to up my dose to 40MGs of Fluoxetine until I had major relief from intrusive thoughts. If you're only on 20 then you are at the bare minimum of what can be done for you, there is lots of hope for you yet.

Don't worry about how "academic" something is. This isn't academia, it's your life! Academia is conflicting opinions argued out rationally, we are unable to think rationally and only want to feel better rather than explore the depths of the condition. Understanding is great but can sometimes lead to further anxiety.

I worry about my relationship all the time. I have exactly what you have, the same anxiety torture, but I have maintained a happy relationship for 3 years now. If I can do it anyone can. Don't be disheartened. We care so much, it must be an asset rather than a negative for the most part.

The sense of relief you mention I get too. I think it's standard OCD recovery procedure. Feeling down > slowly recovering > relief > setback > slow recovery etc. Just be patient.

I don't personally believe in hypnotism, but if you can approach it with an open mind, if it makes your OCD better, then that is all that matters!

Out of interest, I struggle to read the news, do you?

Slog

Tue Nov 15 2011 23:53:14 #
Tess
Member

Hi Citalopram
Welcome from me too, as for your long post, absolutely no need to apologise, this is what the forum is all about and how can we attempt to help each other if we don't understand each other's problems. I have contamination OCD but like yours it has a strong genetic base running right through my father's side of the family. Like your mum I feel terrible that I passed it to my son but I can rationalise this by knowing that it was passed to me first and I didn't pass it to him knowingly, we are all victims of our genetic inheritance.
I suspect your OCD has flared up because of the recent stresses in your life, the breakdown of your relationship and having to move home and I think you will find it reduces once your life settles into a new routine.
We have discussed treatments, recovery and 'cures' many times on this forum and there does not seem to be a consensus of opinion, some sufferers maintain that they have been cured by CBT, others seem to struggle on with a degree of improvemnent, a few feel it has made them worse - at present we do not understand why people react differently to the different treatments available. Realistically I believe you can expect to improve substantially so that OCD does not dominate your life or your lifestyle choices but a complete freedom from all OCD's demands may have to remain a goal which you have to keep working towards. I find I never manage to reach the goal but each step I make towards it makes it feel less important and finding satisfaction in life becomes a better goal to aim for.
I have had OCD for well over 40 years, I have come to accept that, for myself, it will be a lifelong condition, but I am probably 90% better than I was at my worst and like your mum I have managed to remain married to the same man for 38 years. The things that have helped me most are SSRI medication which I have been taking since 1992, although I have been able to reduce the dosage to a minimal maintenance dose, a partner who accepts the OCD and who does his best to keep stress away from our lives and a way of life which suits us both. This has worked for me and you will also find a way through this. You are not weird, we are intensely human and you have no need to apologise for your OCD. My first husband drove my OCD nuts, my second is amazing, like your dad, there is no reason why you cannot look forward to a future loving relationship with the right partner.

Wed Nov 16 2011 10:18:57 #
Tess
Member

PS sorry about getting your name wrong !!!!!

Wed Nov 16 2011 10:23:08 #
Citaloman
Member

Thanks for all your ace replies. I even remember being so adamant that I hadn't done anything the moment I thought it. I keep thinking was I lying, but if I was I would t have had to think twice..!

I'm having a better day today.I'm having spikes throughout the day but just trying to ignore them. Can you confirm (I know this reassurance) that everything to you feels real. And sometimes you see sense but then you doubt the sense.?!

Wed Nov 16 2011 12:47:52 #
Citaloman
Member

In reply to the news question. I have no issue with the news but certain topics freak me out. Plus the world is such a rubbish place through the eyes of the mass media anyway. I have a place where I go to relax and that's my happy place, Tv can really piss me off.

Tv is just too boring and depressive.

Wed Nov 16 2011 12:50:17 #
Tess
Member

Hi Citaloman
Pleased to hear you are having a better day today, you are doing just fine trying to ignore the spikes. As for seeing sense and then doubting it this is exactly what OCD does, you are not unusual but the more you keep doubting the sense the bigger the doubt will get so far better to try not to engage with the thoughts. Have a look at this thread for some self help tips.
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/the-ocd-action-forums-101-tips-for-people-with-ocd-guide#post-51556

Wed Nov 16 2011 14:29:00 #
Citaloman
Member

I'm so glad that I had the text messages as the thought developed to reassure me. I was so unwell. What will CBT do, will it help me see sense?

Wed Nov 16 2011 15:31:26 #
slogsweep
Member

You definetly have OCD. Remember any symptom tests you've done. I doubt it too sometimes but then I remember my experiences on here and at doctors surgeries. I saw the university mental health team today, really really impressed and am going for CBT soon. Would love to know if anyone like me has found it helpful.

Glad you've had a better day, hopefully it'll continue for you tomorrow! Ignore the spikes if you can but always remember, you are unwell and have OCD. For definite.

Slog

Wed Nov 16 2011 23:20:52 #
Citaloman
Member

Thanks Slog x

Thu Nov 17 2011 6:37:33 #
Citaloman
Member

The horrible thing is that there is a girl I really want to get to know but I'm scared witless of me not being ill and this being me. The sensible part of me says wait until your better, whatever that means.

Thu Nov 17 2011 10:07:30 #
Citaloman
Member

The horrible thing is that there is a girl I really want to get to know but I'm scared witless of me not being ill and this being me. The sensible part of me says wait until your better, whatever that means.

Thu Nov 17 2011 10:41:19 #
wannabefree
Member

See how it goes citaloman... She may approach you, but it's acceptable in this world to suffer from an illness, in fact OCD is regarded as a disability cos of the effects it has on the sufferer... See how it goes, and then just go on gut instinct... She may have an illness of her own to deal with...
wannabe

Thu Nov 17 2011 17:00:47 #
wannabefree
Member

See how it goes citaloman... She may approach you, but it's acceptable in this world to suffer from an illness, in fact OCD is regarded as a disability cos of the effects it has on the sufferer... See how it goes, and then just go on gut instinct... She may even have an illness of her own to deal with...
wannabe

Thu Nov 17 2011 17:02:53 #
Citaloman
Member

It's just OCD makes you feel like your not ill. That's my fear.

Thu Nov 17 2011 17:36:51 #
Citaloman
Member

Wow I just got an overwhelming sense of relief and my adrenaline started pumping. I realised that I never have done anything. I'm not getting excited though as I know it can all go again. When you get better is this the sense you see..!

Thu Nov 17 2011 19:28:27 #
slogsweep
Member

Citaloman that's a huge step towards recovery yes, but don't think it's all over. Don't be too disheartened if the OCD flares up again in the days/weeks to come, it's a setback if it does, we all have them. Myself included. I felt great for a week, then a bad few days, then a week fine again. Eventually the setbacks will become more sporadic and not occur at all.

Great news though on your feeling better, keep it up and remember to mentally label anything that is OCD to stop it coming back!

Best wishes

Slog

Thu Nov 17 2011 20:40:43 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi guys, I gree wholeheartedly with slog on this... It's the little steps that become big ones, the acorns that grow to be oak trees... Strong and true...
wannabe

Thu Nov 17 2011 20:54:22 #
Citaloman
Member

Thankyou guys, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Thu Nov 17 2011 21:10:24 #
Citaloman
Member

So the doubt has tried to come back but I have tried to get on with things. This really is a physical issue I believe, the SSRI's are imperative. If this is a doubting disease does that mean when you see sense for 30 mins or however that that's the truth?

Fri Nov 18 2011 21:32:33 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Citaloman,

This is exactly what happens to me (again). Sometimes I "see sense" or at least what I hope is sense. We doubt though, because of the OCD. You're doubting too by seeking assurances, I do it myself. I feel vastly better when the SSRI's kick in (40mgs of fluoxetine) too. The problem here is asking people with OCD who don't know ourselves lol. People with OCD don't tend to be capable of harming anybody. We're a gentle, oversensitive bunch. Not monsters.

As our OCD is so similar please feel free to message me at any time if you're feeling low. I'd love to think I could do the same. My mental health adviser said to me, remember that seeking reassurance is a symptom of OCD as much as anything else. Seeking reassurance to your subconcious (according to her) feeds anxiety by making you feel as if you had something to be anxious about in the first place. Often with OCD it is either a gross overreaction (what I think I do when I'm thinking straight) or something similar that OCD free people wouldn't worry about at all. Lucky them.

It does sound as though you're improving though. I'm really pleased for you,

Slog

Sat Nov 19 2011 1:06:07 #
Citaloman
Member

Thanks again Slog. I'm glad your here, same goes for you in terms of needing someone to message.

Sat Nov 19 2011 4:31:36 #
Citaloman
Member

I'm having a bad day today. Cried all last night, but I was able to get up and go to work. I'm so lonely. I crave a new relationship but I think I will be alone forevever. I'm a really confident guy, no one can tell I'm ill. Will this all be a nightmare..?!

Mon Nov 21 2011 16:22:49 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Citaloman, hope you're feeling a little better. Sorry I haven't been on sooner today. You've got to try and remember that this is an illness. If it helps buy an OCD book, something you've not read before. This will prove that your condition is recognised and remind you how to recover. If it helps, think of OCD as a car that needs petrol. The longer you fuel the OCD, the longer the car will keep running. You've got to try not to fuel the car as best as you can.

You've helped me through my relapse, I'll help you through any setback or relapse you have too. It's the least I can do. Have you told some people close to you that you are ill? We can't do this on our own. It might be worth letting your work know. It's illegal to discriminate against OCD but you might get some help and some understanding.

Keep reading these forums, keep as busy as you can and try and get some extra sleep. We're all here and thinking of you mate, perhaps book an appointment with your doctor if you're really struggling, just to chat with someone with medical know-how who will understand better than most, but not talk for too long.

Best wishes and feel free to mail me

Slog

Mon Nov 21 2011 21:42:46 #
Citaloman
Member

My mum is here and my dad. My dad has seen it all before, I don't think they can believe how similar I have been to my mum. I'm just so tired. Can't believe I'm still going to work to be honest. I see the logic but believing it is another story.

Mon Nov 21 2011 22:17:08 #
Citaloman
Member

A weird thing happened earlier. I was talking to my brother and he said by slip of his tongue "we'll if you did" I immediately snapped and said "I haven't done anything". It was an immediate response, I didn't even think about it.

All I want is someone to say you will see sense.

Wed Nov 23 2011 18:06:05 #
slogsweep
Member

You will, your brother is from the non-ocd world, a world which sadly works against us more often than not with the condition, but one we have to adapt to anyway. If someone without OCD thought it, then maybe, but you have OCD and are ill. You'll see sense eventually, don't worry.

Wed Nov 23 2011 20:29:26 #