OCD Action

slogsweep
Member

Hi guys, hope you're all coping alright today.

I'm having a weird one, a very nervous day but not to the point where I'm crying my eyes out. I've got this application for CBT with my university filled out on my desk but I can't bring myself to hand it in. I'm rubbish at submitting assignments and work anyway, takes me up to an hour to stop checking the coversheets and the assignments themselves, but with me having to describe my intrusive thoughts and fears, then hand them over to someone I can't see, frankly I'm terrified. I know I'm overreacting with my thoughts, but I can't shake off the fact I'm scared of being reported or sectioned or something. It doesn't help when you see ridiculous portrayals of mental illness on tv shows too. That's made me feel pretty rubbish.

Also if anyone could give me an insight on what CBT is like, I'd be so grateful.

Any help greatly appreciated,

Much love,

Slog

Fri Nov 18 2011 14:34:10 #
Soxon
Key Master

The following OCD Action information sheet CBT Checklist should help to give you some idea of what to expect when you go for CBT.

Soxon

Fri Nov 18 2011 15:05:28 #
tizzkins
Member

Hi Slogsweep wow where did that name come from its great. I can totally relate to how you feel about revealing your thoughts and fears. Its not easy you say its through the university you are doing this i take it they are aware of your ocd then? I too was very wary of revealing how i felt with ocd etc but when i found the councellor actually understood me and not only that had seen a lot of other people in my position i felt relieved that at last there was someone who i could talk to who had already talked to a lot of others suffering from the condition i was and i was no longer on my own.

Take a deep breath and say how you feel if you cant say how you feel maybe it might be an idea to write a few notes down to pass onto the councellor (i have done this in the past it does help).

People are there to help but they can only help if they know what the problem is. Please keep posting on here also so we can help also.

Take care
Liz x

Fri Nov 18 2011 23:54:57 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks to the both of you, I found the cribsheet very helpful so thank you for that Soxon. Tizz I saw a mental health adviser at the university the other day. We chatted for roughly an hour about my problems and she seemed sure I had OCD (the doubt in OCD told me that I'd lied to her afterwards, I hate this illness.) and assured me that the university councilling services do offer CBT and are very good (luckily I go to a uni that specialises in Psychology). All I have to do is hand in this form which I'm scared to. I sent an email to my adviser who assured me two things,
1) everyone is well qualified and would understand
2) seeking reassurance is a symptom of OCD.

All this positive information, and still the OCD bites me and says I'm a terrible person who will be put away and I'm unworthy to receive treatment for being so loathsome. Writing the form hurt too, realising what I've become.

Also I've read the news tonight. Big mistake. I can't sleep now. Have I done this, Have I done that. God I hate OCD. It's the fact that I have to commit the thoughts to paper and send them away in a sealed envelope to people I can't see or explain to. What a mess I've become :(.

Sat Nov 19 2011 0:56:44 #
slogsweep
Member

And now I want to do my bedtime lock/possession checking routine before bed again, for the fourth time tonight. Arrgh! I could cry with frustration seeing people live without this all the time.

Sat Nov 19 2011 1:13:15 #
Tess
Member

Slog, please go and hand in that form, it is your passport to a better life free from this OCD monster which is tormenting you. When I was your age at uni 40 years ago there were no opportunities for treatment for this condition - you have a long future ahead and hopefully a very happy and fulfilling one and you have a big choice right now which may affect that future - give in to the OCD, continue believing it's terrible lie that you are some sort of nasty, evil person, or accept what we are telling you on this forum, we who know and understand and care about you, take a deep breath, hand in that form and grab all the help which is on offer. You are young and you have evry chance of overcoming this disorder, if you delay it won't get any easier. I am waiting with bated breath to hear you have taken that first step towards recovery.

Sat Nov 19 2011 10:13:23 #
slogsweep
Member

But I'm so scared. What if my past is hiding something horrific. What if I'm not making too much of these memories. I don't think I could cope if I did hurt or harm someone, I'd rather be gone.

I'm not sure of anything. I hate this illness. Today has been horrible, easily my worst day since starting fluoxetine. I know the anxiety will go through the roof while I wait for that form to come back, I'll be all over the place.

THanks so much for your support. You're wonderful people. I wish you all the best.

A sad and terrified Slog

Sat Nov 19 2011 22:16:26 #
tizzkins
Member

Slog my heart really goes out to you regardless of your own suffering you have tried to help me for which i am so grateful. Seriously its just ocd trying to convince you that there is something in your past its what ocd does best it gets to what you fear most. With me its electricity and water consdidering my brother was electrocuted fourteen years ago its hardly surprising.

I know the feeling well (the one that if you hurt or harm someone and not realise it)but believe me that again is just ocd it does temd to grind us down with the things we most fear (hope that makes sense) please remember just because you think something doesnt make it real or in anyway that it has ever happened ocd does that to us.

Sending you a big hug and please keep in touch
Liz x

Sat Nov 19 2011 22:27:31 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you, I'll always try and help anyone asking for it on here. The amount it means to me that other people suffer as I have has given me an uncomfortable amount of reassurance considering other people are hurting, and I feel as if I must help where I can.

Today was horrible. I went to one of my most favorite places and just wanted to hide back in bed. Every time I do anything that in the past I'd have looked forward to the OCD ruins it. I also found out yesterday that someone who I think used to drink in the pub where I worked (my advisor thinks the treatment I recieved working there may have caused the OCD to flare up badly) was sent down for child rape. It terrifies me that I was serving the type of person that I hate most, I feel sickened at the thought of providing this lowlife with drink, I may have even had a conversation with this vile being. And then OCD kicks in, what if I've harmed someone? What if I've abused someone? Then small probably insignificant memories become huge and life becomes pointless again.

Chatting over dinner with friends and I find out a friend of a friend who I don't even know has been bailed for something. Should I be bailed for something? I hate this illness so much. It certainly ruined dinner again. Then I end up thinking I'm a haemophiliac because this cut on my lip from shaving won't stop bleeding. I hate this illness.

I just want to find peace. I don't want to be rich, famous or even successful, I want a wife and a family and simple things. Simple things that at the moment, seem far beyond my reach. I have fallen into a deep, dark hole and I feel as if I'll never get out. I don't know what is and what isn't OCD because I've lived around the condition as well as having OCD for so many years now. I'm broken.

Thanks Tizz, feel free to message me whenever you're low. I think I've replied to your post on another topic but I'm not 100% certain it's sent.

Slog

Sat Nov 19 2011 22:44:08 #
slogsweep
Member

And you Tess, thank you. Sorry your names are quite similar and my brain is fried at the moment.

Sat Nov 19 2011 22:51:06 #
slogsweep
Member

I'm sorry if that post has offended anyone, I'm scared I've broken the rules or something. The case was reported on in the national media. I know it's nothing to do with me, but I was having a panic as the name in the article rang a bell.

I know I wouldn't hurt a fly, but being exposed to people on a daily basis that were volatile ruined my nervous system. I should have quit a lot sooner but I was desperate not just for money, but proof I could do a job in the real world.

Sat Nov 19 2011 23:48:54 #
Tess
Member

Hi Slog
Nothing you have written could be considered the least bit offensive, in fact quite the opposite. What you are experiencing is OCD and it is giving you a very hard time at present. You've done the right thing handing in that form and I just hope you don't have to wait long for the support and treatment which you need. The road to recovery is not easy, you will have bad days and better days and some really bad days before they start to recede - but you will gain strengths you never realised you had. Of course you can do a job in the real world, it just might be a different job than having to face aggression and drunkeness on a daily basis.

Sun Nov 20 2011 11:07:16 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks very much for your kind message, I couldn't sleep thinking I'd be thrown off this forum and be left on my own again.

It's so cruel, how real these fears seem. How I jump when the doorbell rings and have a panic attack over a mobile number I've never seen before trying to contact me. I've just ruminated all morning in bed and panicked and panicked and panicked some more, crying and shaking. I thought I was making progress but apparently not. I don't want to open the blinds in my room or unlock the door. I'm at the end of my tether with it.

I'm going to start a new thread about another problem I think

Thanks though, I breathed a huge sigh of relief that someone had contacted me

Slog

Sun Nov 20 2011 11:46:31 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, The thing that leaps into my mind when reading your posts is that so often we are better at helping others, than we are coping ourselves? When we get low, we are each the worst at being able to fix our own things, whereas we have insight into each others suffering, this is something you are amazing at... You've helped us all on here, and now it is your turn to need a bit of support... But it aint easy is it... OCD is an absolute pig at making us feel responsible for everything and everyone around us... Slog, you are an absolute star... You may not believe that right now, but you are... We all are on here... OCD is regarded as more than a mere illness, it is a full blown disability... It cripples... I drags us down, makes us doubt our very self esteem... But it is a liar... OCD is a liar... It's easy for me to say that when I cannot fix me! But the more I try to convince myself, the harder it seems to get... You mention fluoxetine... It can take up to six or even twelve weeks for the therapeutic effects to come, we end up with the side effects first, but don't stop taking it unless doctor says so... It takes a while to get going, I'm still waiting for mine to improve after upping the dosage a little while ago... You have an absolute right to all the help you can get... If criminals have rights, which they do, then how much more do we have the same and more? Keep posting, and as Tess says, hand that form in...
Wannabe

Sun Nov 20 2011 12:14:27 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you, you made me well up reading that. Thank you and I always try and help when I can, I have more time than most being a student. The problem is I worry whether I was too young to know what I was doing was wrong and I'm a criminal myself. Or that I'll die and leave my family alone to fight their problems. I don't want to hurt anyone but the world seems intent on hurting each other. Nobody here (student house) has any idea how much I'm suffering whereas my family do, the problem is my family home is full of triggers and people with different forms of OCD. I can't look any further than one day back or one day forward without panicking. Christmas is scaring me half to death. I'm struggling with money too because I have a compulsion to spend as it is distracting to me. I'm so broken.

I'm sorry to you all writing such sad posts, but I don't know who else I can talk to.

Slog

Sun Nov 20 2011 12:26:58 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi slog, you don't need to be sorry, cos this is what we are here for... OCD action has been a lifesaver for me, because of the shared feelings and understanding we can offer each other... I sometimes think that we are all braver than we give ourselves credit for!
It wouldn't matter what we did or didn't do in the past, we hear about awful things on the news, yet these people get forgiveness, and move on with their lives, but us, we have this OCD which bullies us, makes us feel that we aren't worth much, but we are... Keep chatting on here... I come too for the support I see on here... It is a form of reassurance, but it is good reassurance that the world is worth living in... Be good to yourself today... You are worth it, we all are...
wannabe

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:23:38 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Slog,

I agree with wannabe there's no need to apologise, the forum's here for us to share not just the good times but also the bad.

With regards to Christmas - remember it's the thought that counts. Try making gifts for people. I'd rather have something made with love and a lot of thought than an expensive gift that someone rushed out and bought without giving it a second thought.

There are so many things you can make now especially with your computer. Last year I gave my Aunt as part of her present a photo of me and my siblings, it cost me virtually nothing and she was thrilled with it, especially as it was one that I took of us as adults to mimic the one that she has of us as young children.

You don't have to spend much to show that you care. Christmas should be about caring and not who can splash the most cash. In our family we used to have an agreed set amount for spending on each adult so that if anyone was strapped for cash they didn't need to feel embarrassed as everyone was spending the same.

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:58:53 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks everyone, seriously thank you all so much. If you're looking for something you've achieved today, you've got me through this horrible day and made me feel a million times better than rock bottom. Even if I'm the same tomorrow, knowing that there's help to be had here is something I'll hold onto and cherish.

Slog

Sun Nov 20 2011 23:14:41 #
Truddles
Member

That's what we're here for to help each other through the bad times. I hope that you have a better day tomorrow

Sun Nov 20 2011 23:19:12 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, hi Trudy, this is why I like this forum too... We draw inspiration from each other, that we can refer back to time and again, it sure helps me too... And for that I'm eternally grateful...
wannabe

Mon Nov 21 2011 10:52:38 #