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Hello everyone

(37 posts) (10 voices)

Started 2 years ago by
Latest reply from Truddles
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Hi all

I don't know what to talk about this week. I probably should, but I don't. I'm trying to think of how to write my chapter for Glad and would also like to work on my own projects. One of them is my diary, chronicling my life. I think to be sensible, I'll change the names of the people involved including myself. As nice as it would be to commit suicide by association, I think it may result in me being tortured and having my entrails displayed in front of my screaming agonising face, people throwing poo and weeing on me, shouting 'pedo sex scum sicko'.

I also have a few other ideas but , I can't write and I can't learn and I cannot concentrate and I cannot love, and truddles is leaving the forum. Its not fair. Next Glad will go, then Joyce, then I'll be on my own again. This sucks.

Hmmm, I just don't know. Why can't I not have OCD? That professor in my opinion at the conference was not totally right about it never being too late to reverse effects of OCD. For everything, other than Pedo OCD, this would be right, but for me it isn't. I just cannot believe I've never been able to get rid of this thought.

I'm worried it started as a compulsion and I thought it was wrong, but the thought felt forced and fake. Could I be a bad person? Does anyone want my address so that they can petrolbomb my house? I suppose I shouldn't talk like this, but I will never be complete. I will always be alone. I will never find a woman to love.

Sat Feb 13 2010 23:59:02 #
aishah
Member

Hi Giles, I am so sorry that you are suffering in such a way, it must be hell! I suffer from intrusive thoughts in a big way so can empathise with you completely.
I just wish you wouldn't keep thinking so badly of yourself. You are none of the names you think people would call out to you if they know what you are thinking. They are just thoughts Giles and part of this evil illness OCD.
When I met you i thought were such a nice guy, and I must say I am usually a really good judge of character.
If only you can stop torturing yourself and start believing in the real Giles, then I'm sure you will meet someone to share your life with. I know this is all easier said than done Giles but I really hope one day soon things will change for you.

Take Care
Bridget

Sun Feb 14 2010 9:43:08 #
Unregistered

Hi Giles

ditto ditto. Yoo know how much I like you and I am not leaving - definitely not. And you have at least a year to write your chapter for me.

To start the little grey cells working why not join in the never ending story.

xx

Sun Feb 14 2010 9:52:40 #
Unregistered

Hi Giles
Oh dear I wish I knew how to get this thought out of your head - I'm not going anywhere Giles. I am totally committed to OCD Action, to our local OCD Support Group - and I will come on this forum as and when time permits - and if you PM me I will always reply as soon as I open my e-mails which I do every day. So we are not going to desert you - even though I find the suggestion that it would be nice to commit suicide by association very upsetting.
Suicide is not something that is ever nice - it is a way out and I have tried it myself in the past when I was at my lowest ebb. But suicide is the worst possible bereavement that anyone can ever suffer, this is a recognised fact, - the suffering and torment doesn't end with suicide, it just gets transferred along with all the guilt and never ending questions.
Giles please don't go and take this to heart - if you need someone to talk to give me a PM and I will e-mail my phone no.
Love Joyce

Sun Feb 14 2010 12:32:17 #
Unregistered

Thanks for the response everyone. I had a bit of a mini relapse today. I don't know if this was a sign of normality or whether it was the sickest thing ever. There was a girl in ASDA today walking around with I'm guessing her mum who I found really attractive and I think she might have been checking me out. The thoughts came back. She's very attractive, she must be 14-15 years old, or equally bad and unacceptable 16-17. I completed my shopping deadened by what I felt and what do I do? Any time I see a girl who's attractive, she's 15, obviously! Because thats all pedo Giles can be attracted to. What do I do? What do I do?

I think I also saw Kim in Asda with her husband. She's a fellow dancer who I suspect has OCD. She looked a shadow of herself last year, and I really wish I could help her. She's the unobtainable one.

But how do I deal with something that may not be OCD? But then, if it wern't, I would be a gay, transgendered, insomniac, mass murdering pedo.

Giles

Sun Feb 14 2010 22:42:53 #
Unregistered

shadow of herself last year,

I mean't from last year

Sun Feb 14 2010 23:39:06 #
mama
Member

When I saw Taylor Lautner take his shirt off in New Moon my jaw dropped. He was only 17. Am I a pedophile? No. I can just appreciate a beautiful human being.
The degree to which you judge your thoughts is the degree to which you suffer. It is my understanding that intrusive thoughts are normal events...everyone has wierd random thoughts. OCDers just think they MEAN something...like...'Gasp! That girl is super sexy...mental image of getting with her...' Most people have the thought and say 'Whoa! That was randomly inappropriate...wierd...must be watching too many movies.' Then they turn to a friend and say 'Hey..Pass the salt would you?' They have the thought and dismis it and move on. We OCDers say 'Oh my gosh! only wierdo pedophiles have those thoughts! What if I'm a pedophile! Dont think that way sick self!' Then the more you try not to think of it the more you think of it. lol. So right now, I want you to NOT think about pink elephants. Let me know how that goes.
Andrea

Mon Feb 15 2010 0:52:26 #
Unregistered

My doctor told me not to think about pink elephants, and funnily enough, although I didn't not think about them then, I have been successful recently.

Its tough when you feel compulsively sexualised around them and you get nothing for women your own age. Another friend of mine on the forum has the same issue. As you can tell, its tough.

Giles

Mon Feb 15 2010 22:21:56 #
mama
Member

Well, you may not like this, but the only way to combat this is to agree with your fear and do not do any mental rituals to ease your discomfort such as talk yourself through it. I know a man who has dealt with gay OCD and other sexual thoughts in much the same way for about 40 years. He has told me that though it seems impossible, you can indeed get past it but it takes a lot...i mean a LOT of hard work.
So learning to sit with the uncertainty is what I recommend. You just might be a pedophile maniac! Or you might not! You can never be completely 100% certain can you? Looking to reassure yourself or trying to talk yourself through 'well but I dont WANT to be...etc' is the compulsion. Its important to identify what you are 'ruminating' about it. How you are judging your thoughts...I would say that your dramatic language says you are judging your thoughts quite harshly. Thoughts are just thoughts. Placing judgement and value on our thoughts is something OCD tells us to do. A thought can be neither good nor bad...it just IS. Its a thought. Its what you decide to DO with the thought that you have control over. So you look at a teenage girl and think a sexual thought...notice...say huh...there's another thought...interesting. And move on to something else. When you think 'DANG! Why do I keep HAVING those! I HATE them! I'm WEAK or something! I'm sick! I must be!' That is judging the thought...as if it MEANS something about you because you had it. The truth is...everyone has wierd deviant thoughts...you just think they define who you are. You are not OCD. OCD is a little devil that you battle. Let him talk all he wants...its not you its OCD. You must separate the two.
Andrea

Mon Feb 15 2010 22:38:49 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Yeah exactly.
I think Zac Effron is pretty hot

Tue Feb 16 2010 10:34:34 #
Unregistered

Dear Giles

What Andrea has said is absolutely right. In fact, although it may not seem like this, what Andrea has advised you is the same for everyone suffering from these awful obsessive thoughts and ruminations. Any reassurance whatsoever, whether it is from others or yourself, feeds the obsession.

The solution is to flood the mind in the same way that I would 'contaminate' all my clothes and house if I think I am dirty.

When 'sad glad' tells me I have taken the lid off my drain and climbed down it, I tell her: 'Whatever! If you say I've gone down the drain I guess you are right! Well so what, I am not going to have a shower and I am going to bed and I am going to put the same clothes on tomorrow.'

I do not know why this works but it simply does. You just have to keep persevering. But when you get there it is quite superb. You feel proud and strong and able to face life again - or 'live to live' as a Belgian sufferer so aptly put it to me the other day.

I am not saying it is easy - just read my posts when I first came on the forum. I was angry scared and ready to give up. But it can be done.

Love
Anne

Tue Feb 16 2010 11:12:43 #
Unregistered

I have to say that I think there’s a world of difference between contamination fears and intrusive thoughts of paedophilia. Even obsessions over homosexuality are very different. Yes, all three might induce a feeling of disgust and terror. If we take contamination, no matter how great the fear, exposure therapy can be faced. It won’t always work, but we can immerse ourselves in our contaminant of choice and await the results. A man may well be terrified he is homosexual (much to the understandable anger of gays he might confide in) but he will not be vilified if he is, neither will the person terrified of germs be. Paedophilia OCD is very different. In my experience, even fellow sufferers are liable to shun those afflicted with this torturous symptom. It is very easy, especially with our relaxed society, to tell a patient ‘so what if you are gay’. To say ‘so what, you might be sexually attracted to young children’ is not acceptable.

Sadly, no matter how much one avoids neutralizing the disgusting thoughts, there is no guarantee of success (any more than there is with therapy for other OCD symptoms). And, deliberately flooding one’s mind with graphic images of young children could be enough to push anyone over the edge. Very different from a man who fears he is gay looking at half naked men etc.

Giles, my heart goes out to you.

Beth.

Tue Feb 16 2010 13:58:23 #
Unregistered

P.S. I do completely agree with Andrea when she says that fighting against the thoughts will not work. OCD is always stronger in a head-on battle such as this. The more the thoughts shock, disgust and alarm us, the more they will return. However, with Giles’ symptom, it is very difficult not to react as he does. My intrusive thoughts have lessened, but occasionally they return to shock me with something new. I know it is likely that my reaction to them will determine how long they bombard me. But, better people than I have attempted all the recognized techniques and failed to gain relief. It isn’t just down to willpower and determination.

Tue Feb 16 2010 14:10:27 #
Unregistered

Hi Beth

I know where you are coming from. I agree that all OCD is different. But to say that everyone can face contamination fears is not exactly true and is very hard for those who have tried and failed countless times. I have two or three friends who will never be able to face their contamination fears. And you would not believe how very bad their lives have become as OCD has finally taken over every aspect of their day and night. They may not be vilified but, like me they are not understood, and can be held up to ridicule if they are not careful. I rarely talk about my OCD outside this forum because it would never be understood by non-OCDers.

I agree that Giles' sort of OCD is a very tricky one because of the misunderstanding it will cause. But he does try to beat it and is at times successful.

Best
Anne

Tue Feb 16 2010 15:25:43 #
Unregistered

Sorry, Anne, you are right. But most people with OCD will try anything to overcome the fear. I understand we are all different. I have even heard of people dying when they knew that facing a fear could save their lives. We must never judge those who are unable to face therapy, nor must we judge those for whom therapy didn't help.

I long for the day when we can be accepted by all society, but like you I am wary of telling people about my OCD. We can never be sure of the reaction we will receive.

Best wishes,
Beth.

Tue Feb 16 2010 15:36:56 #
Unregistered

Hi Beth

Thanks for your lovely reply.

You are right, we are stigmatised and misunderstood. Also non-OCDers would not believe how very sick we are. When I was at my worst, I used to pray every day that I would die and when this failed I tried to take the matter into my own hands. Luckily I was unsuccessful - but I did not feel that at the time. I am so sorry people that you know have died because of their OCD.

The very best of luck with conquering your OCD.

Love
Anne

Tue Feb 16 2010 15:48:49 #
Unregistered

Hey Anne/Beth

Thanks for your lovely replies. I have to be careful how I read certain sentences, because I mis-interpret them and get angry. I upset Swan yesterday, which I never mean't to do, but I've just been losing direction recently, particularly now that I'm looking for a new dance partner. Dancing is like a religeon to me. I have to do it, and I need to perform for people. To be up there at the top being applauded and admired by people that want to be like me, so you can understand when I finally get back to dancing after appendicitis and only get 2 lessons in my first 6 weeks back, because my dance partner is unreliable. Consequently, I'm looking for a new dance partner.

When I say I misinterpret statements, Beth said something that I selectively read - "I long for the day when we can be accepted by all society". I interpreted this immediately in my own way and it came out "pedo's will eventually be accepted". Pretty bad my mind isn't it? I'm actually watching a film at the moment, as I'm typing this called 'Son of Rambow', as part of exposure therapy.

This might be upsetting for people, because it took years for me to accept this as a type of exposure therapy, because I thought it would lead to gratification and offending. 2 months ago and today, I visualise graphic images of my anxiety. I relax when doing this, because anxiety is what triggers off the biological reactions. If I sustain this for 5 minutes, the worst of what I feel is usually over.

I also continually get frightened that a movie, TV program or a Csi episode may show graphic images of children having sex, and this can get me worried and make me avoid my fears. Also public exposure therapy, I'm not quite ready for yet. I've also been afflicted with psychological thoughts - I almost have the mindset of a pedo, which makes things tough.

I really appreciate you both sending me nice messages. It would be easy to send nasty messages, due to the mis-understanding I had with Swan, but I almost feel as though she may have judged me from that one statement. I never have anyone to be angry at, and I tend to blow up in a big ball of repression. I've got a message from someone I've never spoken to in my message box and I'm worried to read it in case its a nasty message - Kinda like a fallout from yesterday.

Hope everybody is okay. Swan, I never meant to upset you, okay?

Giles

Tue Feb 16 2010 22:39:17 #
Unregistered

Hi Giles

Why don't you open the message. If you don't like it you can delete it from both your email box and your PMs. As you know I got three nasties yesterday from a foreign site and got really upset, but I told the person not to write to me again and threw them in the trash can.

It will be better for you when you start dancing again as this is your real passion- so hang on in there. As you can see, researching is my passion. My house is like a little uni with both my husband and me researching and writing every avaialble hour.

If you want to have a shout send me a PM or email - I can deal with it as we are friends and I know you just want to get things of your chest.

Have a good day.
Love
Anne

Wed Feb 17 2010 8:54:23 #
Unregistered

Anne, I’ve had more time to think about my original message here and I realize, even more than yesterday (when I wrote the second one) that my wording was appalling and could be very offensive to those with contamination fears.

I can’t even find ways to express exactly what I meant, I’ll try to, but forgive me if I don’t succeed! I don’t believe that any one symptom is any better or worse than any other. I don’t believe that facing therapy is easier or harder, either. We are all individuals and fear cannot be measured. If a person is experiencing hell, it matters not what the obsession entails.

However, what I put so very, very badly, sounding as if I felt those with contamination fears have it easy, is that the therapy is more straightforward. And, in the main the symptoms are not unacceptable to the general public. I didn’t mean it to sound as if facing one’s contamination fears, whatever they may be, are ever easy. Most contaminants can be used in therapy, even if in very small amounts. Obviously, that evokes terrible fear and takes such courage to face. Returning to those with a similar obsession to Giles, those with a fear of being homosexual. I believe the therapy is also straightforward. That doesn’t mean I believe it is any easier to face, or indeed easier for the obsession to be beaten.

I have a friend who obsessed that he was homosexual. He was encouraged to go to a local pub which many homosexuals frequented. He was told by his therapist ‘so what if you are gay’. Although he initially panicked and felt sick at the very thought, by mixing and making friends with gays, he benefited in three ways. He lost his fear, he made some good friends and he eventually realized he wasn’t in fact gay at all. By their very nature, paedophilia fears can’t be handled in quite the same way. A friend of mine received abusive messages because she is a paediatrician.. Few people would want even to admit to having certain obsessions like these. I just meant the very nature of the obsession makes it extremely difficult to speak about, and apply therapy to, in quite the same way as other OCD symptoms.

I hope you can read that message, Giles.

Best wishes,
Beth.

Wed Feb 17 2010 14:44:13 #
mama
Member

You can use a method called 'script writing' to face fears that are otherwise impossible to expose yourself to. For instance 'fear of harming or killing someone'. You obviously cant go out and do that to expose yourself to it. lol. But you can write a script in which you include all the gory details...over and over. The theory is the same...you get desensitized to it though initially it is very anxiety provoking. There are good books on how to do it properly...just thought I'd throw that out there.
Andrea

Wed Feb 17 2010 17:06:20 #
Unregistered

Hi Beth

It is alright I do know what you mean. I discussed this with my friend Tricia on the phone today. I agree with everything you say. As regards OCD one form is probably no worse than the other - it is the degree to which you are affected that counts. I am now mild - 3 months ago I was severe and it may sound crazy but I am pleased I had that relapse. Without it I would have forgotten how disabilitating and life threatening it is at it s worst. This could have meant that I would underplay OCD in my book. It is now fully in my memory.

On to Giles's OCD. I agree it is much harder and public attitudes do not help. As such, watching films and script writing are probably the most effective means of coping. Giles is helping a lot by talking openly about his problems. He is a wonderful guy.

it's a pleasure talking to you Beth
Annexx

Wed Feb 17 2010 17:38:59 #
Unregistered

Beth, its great to talk to you too, I hope you accept my friendship request - I don't always drive people away from me, you know. Its just trusting people is difficult for me and when I mis-read things I catastrophise.

I selectively read another of your passages, but at least I'm realising it, which is a good thing. The passage was:

"By their very nature, paedophilia fears can’t be handled in quite the same way"

I read it as 'can be handled in the same way'. Oh my god, I can't believe I did that. Mind you though, when I thought I was a woman trapped in a mans body, I used to selectively see the word 'woman' in advertising boards and panic. The worry was that I'd never be able to go back.

Have you ever heard of the Tennis player Richard Rashkin? He was also a research doctor. He used to compete in the mens tennis tour and suddenly became gender confused. He then went on a long course of hormones and was about to go for his sex change operation. He froze at the door to the hospital and couldn't go through with it. He had a double masectomy and met a woman and fell in love, got married and had children. The pressure finally got to him and he went through with the sex change. On a side note, he fought to compete at wimbledon on the womens circuit and won. As Renee Richards, she competed at wimbledon in 1977 and was then knocked out in the first round, by our British winner Virginia Wade.

She mentioned in an internet article that she regretted becoming a woman and said that she needed to meet the right woman.

I guess what I'm wondering is do you think she could have suffered from OCD?

Andrea. As usual, it is great to hear from you. Scripting sounds like a good idea. My ultimate exposure therapy would be to be around young girls in situations where I'm not supervised on the same floor. That is a long way away, but its a distant target.

Anne, I can't believe that anybody would want to be abusive to you. You're lovely. If you wern't married, I'd be your toyboy.

Giles

Wed Feb 17 2010 23:18:18 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Giles,

So good to see the more positive Giles is back

Try Andrea's suggestion and try the scripting, especially as you're such a good writer.

Trudy

Thu Feb 18 2010 11:26:15 #
Unregistered

Hi Giles
You can be my toyboy too

Thu Feb 18 2010 13:12:19 #
Truddles
Member

Sorry Joyce you'll have to join the long queue

Seriously Giles you are popular as you're such a lovely caring person.

Thu Feb 18 2010 15:32:53 #
mama
Member

Plus someone told me you are extremely good looking...I'll likely never know though because I dont live in the UK...so I doubt I'll ever bump into you on the street. But I DO adore ballroom dance and watch competitions on TV now and then...so If you go on TV you'll have to tell me and I'll go have a 'decko' and check it out. (I just learned that word from my new friends...I thought I'd try to use it in a sentence Did I use it right? lol)
Andrea

Thu Feb 18 2010 20:23:59 #
Unregistered

Andrea, I'm not sure what Decko means to be honest, lol! But seriously, don't leave the forum, will you?

I guess I'll try some scripting and see what it does. I really need to get back to my overcoming OCD book. It gets really difficult when it asks you to do practical tasks, plus I'm addicted to soduko at the mo. I also really need to get back to dancing.

Hey, thanks for the offers, lol! I wish I hadn't driven Swan away from the forum though

Thu Feb 18 2010 23:45:04 #
mama
Member

Oh Gilo,
If Swan left it was of her own accord...you may be good looking but you dont have magic powers that force people to do things they dont want to do.
So! How old are you anyway?

Nicola...I didnt see your post before, but Zac Effron is super cute...But now he's over 18 (I think he's actually twenty something)so...you and I are in the clear...Oh yes, and Taylor Lautner turned 18 recently, so he's safe too. Except that I am married....thats a whole different ethical issue though.

Has anyone ever wondered if the society we live in aids in our thinking we are psychopaths? I mean like 80 years ago people got married at 15...not saying it was a good idea, but I bet there werent people with fears of being a pedophile then...just saying...I wonder about that...I wonder if there were people with lice phobias like me back in the day when everyone wore wigs because they had dirty hair and lice was rampant......hmmmm.

Andrea

Fri Feb 19 2010 4:43:05 #
Unregistered

Hi Andrea

I do think that there is a huge amount of truth in this. The way society changes thinking creates great problems for people like us. I did a course on Renaissance Italy during my history BA and, as you rightly say, girls married at 13.

In Reubens' time gorgeous curvy ladies were the norm and even Botcicelli's ladies have nice rounded stomachs. Now people are supposed to be like Lowrie's stick pin people. Througout my years til 50 anorexic tendencies always made my OCD worse.

The adverts on TV certainly escalated my OCD. I saw that Dettol (Lysol?) would solve all my problems by killing '99% of germs' but was not sure about the other 10%. And I always wondered about the 'unknown germs' that Domestos bleach might miss. You cannot have supper in the UK without a programme with toilets and furry bugs - it is awfully upsetting. I have to look down and not think about it. 15 years back when my OCD was 100% I used to touch the TV to make sure no water had come out. Yes I did do this.

I sometimes feel that companies are taking advantage of contamination OCDers. Even the uni supermarket has a shelf of cut price Carex (blue) which rips your hands to shreds if you are a compulsive hand washer. Is it the same in the US? One for the book?

Love
Anne

Fri Feb 19 2010 8:08:04 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Andrea -

you raise a very classy point here. Kudos to you. See: TV advertising expressly intends to make all of us inferior. Not conforming to any norm set by the advertisers and their psychologists in their backrooms. Only if we buy product X or Y we will look and feel better. Attractive men and women earn millions by playing in those adverts. Of course the movies are photoshopped in the extreme. A world is promised to us that will never materialize. And we will never be smart or pretty enough in the eyes of the salesmen, because once we have product X or Y, we're told that there's a new product, X+ or Y+, that will even more make us feel younger and prettier, and smarter.

This really is the down side of pure, greedy, naked capitalism. Sensitive people may develop mood disorders because they're told on a daily basis that they are inferior. Unless... you know the score. It's a terrible bombardment.

Compulsive shopping is one of the grave dangers. People get bankrupt and driven out of their houses, purely because of media pressure (which inevitably morphs into peer pressure eventually).

Kids blackmail their parents because they want a new cellphone every 3 months.

The list of examples is endless, really.

I am sure that disorders like anorexia, boulimia, compulsive shopping, BDD, and what have you, all may be the result of what others urge you to be, or become.

One of the finest achievements a human being can attain, is to make peace with the facts of life. To accept that we will get older, that we are mortal. That friendship and good company are of the essence, not what one has in material terms. It's called: wisdom, and it can't be bought with money, no matter what all kind of shady mobsters tell you.

To conclude: I am fond of the saying of a priest, whom I saw on TV half a year ago:

'Many People Buy Many Things They Don't Need At All, To Impress Other People Whom They Merely Want To Make Jealous.'

I like that.

Fri Feb 19 2010 11:05:21 #

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