OCD Action

Truddles
Member

I'm having a hard time at the moment and am finding it difficult to do even the basics. Everything is taking so much longer to do. I'm getting so frustrated with myself and it's making me feel depressed and useless.
I'm struggling to do the washing and the more I'm struggling the more washing it's creating. I've just had to redo a load as I fainted whilst carrying the clean wet washing to the drier and I dread to think what time I'll get to bed tonight.
I'm really trying with the CBT but when it comes to reducing the hand washing it's like a red rag to a bull. The more I try to reduce it the more I end up doing it.
I feel completely incompetent and don't know how to turn things around. I know that it doesn't help that I'm under a considerable amount of stress at the moment for various reasons including deteriorating physical health, but even so.
It seems that the more that I improve when I'm out of the flat the more the OCD deteriorates when I'm indoors. I don't live outdoors but indoors and it's there that the OCD is having a severe impact on my life.
Please does anyone have any suggestions?
Thank you
Trudy

Sun Mar 27 2011 19:00:00 #
Ratwomble
Member

Trudy

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I always found that recovery was a slow process and sometimes things didn't go smoothly. I can only suggest that you try to focus on your wins, no matter how small and try to stay positive. I'm not sure what Meds you're on but if this keeps on you should chat to your gp. Hope this helps in some small way.

Best wishes

David

Sun Mar 27 2011 19:35:38 #
Truddles
Member

Hi David,

Many thanks for your support.
I do keep a list of my achievements however small but for the past couple of weeks not been able to add anything. In fact I seem to being going backwards, hopefully it's just a setback and things will get back on track.
I'm not on medication, I have uncontrolled epilepsy and it's exacerbated by antidepressants and my Consultants would rather I didn't take anything.
I've never felt so isolated and useless as I do at the moment. I just can't do right for doing wrong

Sun Mar 27 2011 21:08:21 #
Gigolo
Member

Just the fact that you haven't given up is a big achievement, even if you do feel isolated. Its a pain when people cannot help, especially when its something that they wish they could help with. A couple of months ago, I asked my sister-in-law, who's a psychotherapist if there was anybody in the London area who could help you, but unfortunately the reply was the same as what I imagine you're used to. Thats not to say she didn't want to help, but she hasn't lived in the London area for 10 years now and I guess its the bureaucracy. I'm reading an E-book at the moment called 'Looking through the Windows of Madness' but I don't know just how true most of it is or whether a lot of it has been made up. I worry that the NHS put a lot of money into the mental health system for people that don't actually need to be there and get stuck there due to a lack of self-respect. I wonder that is this were true and they could sort this and divert the necessary money to those like yourself with multiple conditions, could it have a positive effect?

But I guess the question is, does this ebook truly represent the mental health system today?

You shouldn't beat yourself up Trudy. You're doing your best and that's all you can do. If you haven't already, emphasise to your health professionals the fainting spells you've been happening, because this is concerning and you shouldn't have to suffer with this.

Giles.

P.S. I have your message, but have been (and still) at work, so haven't had a chance to read it

Sun Mar 27 2011 21:22:47 #
Ratwomble
Member

Dear Trudy,

That's really rough. I had an uncle with epilepsy and it's a scary condition. Coupled with the OCD and no Meds that can't be easy.

But surely you have at least three things you can write in your journal: you did the washing, you posted on the forum and you replied to my post. I know these seem like tiny things but I've had days where even those three things would be beyond me. When I hit despair I used to go through my list of wins and think about each of them. Some of the early ones seemed so trivial and I took that as a good sign of improvement.

I had an idea to start a post where we encourage members to post short posts about little wins so we could draw strength from each other and have a positive record of achievement. What do you think? Should we give it a try?

I'm thinking about you. Hope you're ok

David

Sun Mar 27 2011 21:23:14 #
Gigolo
Member

Good idea David

Sun Mar 27 2011 21:59:57 #
Truddles
Member

Hi David,

You're right it's the little achievements that soon add up. I've been encouraging people to keep an achievements list. But when I'm like this I just think of what I used to be able to achieve and can't see that the things that you mentioned are for me a major achievement. It takes someone else to point this out to me.
I've just taken your advice and gone through my achievements list and can see that I've achieved a lot over the past year. I'm just having a bit of a set back and so finding it difficult to see that I have achieved quite a lot.

I think a post encouraging members to post short posts about little wins is a great idea. I think we started something a while back. But I think that it's just what the forum needs at the moment. I'll have to work hard then or I'll have nothing to post.

Thanks for being so supportive it means a lot to this lonely little misery guts
That's the drier just finished so I'm off to try and get the washing out of the machine and then I'm off to bed as all that hand washing is exhausting

Trudy

Sun Mar 27 2011 22:02:15 #
Ratwomble
Member

Trudy

I'm delighted that your review of your list shoes you the strides you're making. I was told by a psychologist when I was really bad, that I didn't get like that in a day, and shouldn't expect to beat it in a day. It's a marathon, not a sprint!

Sleep well, fight tomorrow!

D

Sun Mar 27 2011 22:20:10 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Dave,

Have only just now at midnight finished getting the washing out of the drier, it didn't help that ankle gave way (again) and so meant another trip to wash hands. But whilst I was struggling with the washing, I reflected on what you said and now realise that I'm only doing a list of things that I have managed to do for the first time since my breakdown two years ago. Really what I should be doing is making a list of all the things that I manage to achieve each day. Managing the washing is for me a big achievement as I find it so difficult and time consuming. That way I can look back and see that each day I am achieving it also reinforces the things that I can now do.
Now really must get to bed, so much for making a schedule that says to get into bed by midnight (mind you that was GMT and so I suppose that I've still got an hour by that reckoning )

Sleep well, will definitely keep fighting even though it's making me black and blue

Trudy

Sun Mar 27 2011 23:08:15 #
Ratwomble
Member

Trudy

I know it is tough but there are positives in what you write. You did the washing. You recognise your progress. You've made a schedule. I used to spend a lot of my evenings checking plugs, windows, doors etc. At the end I was starting to worry about the evening lockup mid afternoon! I also had bad dermatitis on my hands from washing, and a big callous where the front door handle rubbed against my hand when I checked it thirty or forty times before leaving.

Hope things are getting better for you

David

Tue Mar 29 2011 8:45:33 #
Tess
Member

Dear David
It's great to have you on the forum and I think we can all learn a lot from he way you have fought your OCD. I found meds (seroxat) virtually eliminated my checking with hardly any conscious effort but I've found the contamination much more difficult to deal with. I've never been offered CBT and in view of waiting lists, my age (65) and vast improvement on meds alone I don't think I would be eligible. But I would very much like to know how much you feel your CBT has helped you, how hard it was to flood yourself with anxiety and how long it took before the anxiety started to reduce. Please don't feel obliged to answer this if you don't want to, and Trudy I apologise for hijacking your post.

Tue Mar 29 2011 10:07:49 #
Ratwomble
Member

I sent a pm to Trudy and tess answering Tess's question but it was too long to post here. If anyone is interested, pm me and I'll send it on.

Tue Mar 29 2011 18:09:41 #