OCD Action Online Forums

forum Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Having a difficult time of it today

(24 posts) (8 voices)
  • Started 1 year ago by sarah81
  • Latest reply from
  • This topic is A support question

Tags:

  1. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    Hi
    I've had a long topic going for a while and felt it tidier to start a new one.
    I have issues with contamination OCD, specifically related to an insanely intense fear that my children will get HIV from a toilet or sink with blood, other children biting them, etc. I have a very strong need to control and check my children's environment to make sure it's safe.
    This afternoon my husband and I took them to a large indoor playplace. I was doing ok for a long time, not freaking out about the multitude of stains and grubby children everywhere. Then I had to take my little girl to the toilets, and in the poorly lit stall I saw that there was a dark smear of something on the seat. I wiped it off with toilet paper before I let her sit on it. Then while she was doing her business she touched the same area of the seat and then touched her eyes before I could stop her. I am so worried that maybe I hadn't wiped off everything that was there, and maybe she got some of whatever it was into her eyes. My worst fear is that it could have been HIV-infected blood, my daughter will get HIV, and it will be my fault for not looking after her well enough.
    In my mind I am aware that this is not a normal pattern of thought. A woman was letting her little girl use the toilet right before my daughter used it, and obviously she either didn't see the spot on the seat or didn't care.
    I hate that something like this casts a shadow over an otherwise lovely afternoon with my family.
    I am waiting to be called in to see a psychiatrist, am not on medications, and have only myself and this forum as help at present. I am not comfortable talking about this to anyone I know in "real life".
    Any advice welcome...I am about to make my nightly drink to take the edge off.

    Fri Aug 27 2010 18:38:09 #
  2. Avatar Image

    Truddles
    Member

    Hi Sarah

    Sorry that you’re having a problem
    You should look on the positives and not just the negatives. You’ve done really well today to have coped with taking the children to an indoor playplace and not to have freaked out with the multitude of stains and grubby children So you should give yourself credit for that.

    With regards to the problem with the toilet seat please don’t worry (though I know that’s easier said than done). HIV is quite a fragile virus and can’t survive for long outside of the host, were it the case that it could survive we’d all have it and we don’t do we? I don’t want you to think that I’m making light of it, but it really can’t be caught that way.

    It’s not easy talking to those around us about our OCD but sometimes once you start to get control of the OCD it becomes easier to tell others.

    You say that you’re waiting to see a psychiatrist, have you read any self help books on OCD? In the meantime talking to others on the forum can be a valuable source of support and somewhere to air your fears and put them into perspective.

    Please don’t hesitate to PM me if you need to talk.

    Trudy

    Fri Aug 27 2010 19:43:15 #
  3. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    You should look on the positives and not just the negatives. You’ve done really well today to have coped with taking the children to an indoor playplace and not to have freaked out with the multitude of stains and grubby children So you should give yourself credit for that.

    Exactly, focus on the positives of the situation sinsteed of the negitive.

    ***

    Try to fight the OCD a little. I know it's difficult but you'll soon realise that psychiatrists and phycologists are absolutely useless and they always do the same thing. (which is basicly telling you to p**s off and leaving you to your own devices and then taking all the credit for all the hard work you've done in your recovery)

    - Jess

    Sat Aug 28 2010 15:35:23 #
  4. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    Thanks Jess, the only thing that seems to "fight" the OCD for me at present is the support of friends on here and the (large) glass of Merlot I am looking forward to after the children are in bed.
    I remain hopeful that I will find help from the psychiatrist, as this has unquestionably become too much for me to tackle on my own.
    In addition am feeling quite guilty about the extent to which I am hiding this from my husband. He has at times expressed a disparaging attitude towards acquaintances we have who are mentally ill. He asks how my day has been and I lie and say "fine". I feel badly about this but at the same time am not ready to share this with him, at all. Are there others here who are hiding their OCD from their spouses?

    Sat Aug 28 2010 16:45:50 #
  5. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    I think some people do hide OCD from their husbands. I don't cos I don't have one (thank God) i think you should talk to him tough. If he don't understand or reacts badly then hes in the wrong and you deserve better than that. Why people get themselves involved with blokes remains a mystery to me....

    Sat Aug 28 2010 17:05:11 #
  6. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    Haha, thanks for your input Jess. I think if I do tell him he will be very sympathetic and supportive, but perhaps not very understanding. He likes things to be fixed quickly, and probably will think I can be cured after 1 or 2 visits to the shrink.

    Sat Aug 28 2010 18:08:43 #
  7. Avatar Image

    LAH71
    Member

    Hi Sarah

    Have just PM'd you but thought I would reply to your post.

    As you know, my hubby knows about my OCD and is supportive but I agree that they want us to be 'cured' very quickly. It helps to know I can talk to my hubby if I need to, even if it's just to tell him I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't expect anyone who doesn't have OCD to understand what it's like having OCD. I find it hard to understand myself. Speak to him about it only if you're ready.

    Like you I hate it when my OCD overshadows days out, occasions etc but the positive thing is you've not let it stop you taking them and enjoying themselves. I know you're anxious about what happened but your daughter really will be ok.

    Truddles mentioned self-help books ... I've been reading Overcoming OCD and it's really helping me understand why I think the way I do. Might be worth a read.

    I'm going to join you in a glass of wine tonight, think I need it!

    Take care and chat soon.

    Laura x

    PS - Jess, I can think of one very good reason why we get involved with men

    Sat Aug 28 2010 18:57:53 #
  8. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    PS - Jess, I can think of one very good reason why we get involved with men

    Yep, money.

    Sun Aug 29 2010 14:21:48 #
  9. Avatar Image

    swan
    Member

    Hi,
    I think that anyone who cares about us wants us to be sorted straight away. One of my friends looked up OCD got some information and so now thinks that she knows what I should do, actually I had to just tell her that what she was saying was not what my consultant and social worker were saying. I know she still feels this way but she no longer says so. I have had to come to conclusion that she cares but no take to heart what she says. My main issue is not feeling able to tell people about my OCD and when I have people's reaction male and female has been very negative has left me feeling very bruised. Take care.

    Tue Aug 31 2010 7:27:07 #
  10. Avatar Image

    Minette
    Member

    Hi, thought I'd join this discussion as it is really interesting.
    really feel for you Sarah, asI can easily run through your pattern of thoughts as you dealt with the toilet issue. I had massive contamination issues a few years ago, well it has only really improved in the last year and now I cope with it by telling myself to 'take the risk' and now I'd rather take the risk than not do what I want to do. Before I didn't do anything, was stuck at home for fear of contamination, in fact it jumping from people to me, their breath in fact entering me and passing on some disease- so toilet seats and actually breathing in toilets was a big problem. I really do understand. It can be useful to write down the main intrusive thoughts 'My daughter is going to get HIV' and then write down the proof you have that this may happen, and any ideas that come to you as to where the toughts come from. How realistic are the thoughts? In fact can you protect your daughter from everything she comes across in her life? Is this about your daughter or a fear of being out of control that is in you?
    I know how hard it is to establish where some of these thoughts come from. It is good to recognise that we all have thoughts that are irrational or unusual, OCD or not, it is just we tend to latch on to them. And then the more you latch the more you have them. It is like your radar for germs and body fluids is on high alert therefore you will see everything that may have body fluids on it. So bear in mind that you notice more because you are in a high state of anxiety. I really notice this. If I really focus on germs, I notice where they coudl be everywhere, then it is hard to switch off from it and I can feel the oCD taking over.
    Just following on from a comment above, please know that not all psychologists are useless. I have had a couple of good experiences. You need to have someone who understands the cycle of thoughts and behaviours in OCD, that is paramount. If they don't have experience of OCD then they are bound to not be able to help. Despite the fact that Cognitive behaviour therapy was really hard going and stressful, I do know that in the long term it really helped. You could devise a list of the things that cause you the most anxiety down to the least, like a scale of 10. You would then set up a scenario of dealing with and exposing yourself to the least anxiety provoking one. you would keep exposing yourself to that one until your anxiety had reduced quite a bit- over days/weeks, whetever works. Then you woudl move on to the next one and do the same. If you want to know anymore about doing this I woudl happily post more, or as someone else suggested, a self help book ie: 'Overcoming OCD' has all these ideas in it. Still need to find the root cause of these anxieties though and maybe a psychologist can help with that. I have found psychiatrists, who are more concerned with the medical side of things sometimes don't address the psycholoigical and behavioural sides of things.

    Hope that helps and good luck,

    Minette

    Tue Aug 31 2010 12:01:23 #
  11. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    I may be wrong, but I don’t think there is any other condition where people (with and without OCD) believe they have a quick and easy solution to our problems.

    Teresa, even my husband’s friends have looked up OCD online or heard parts of an interview with a psychologist and declared they have the answer, I just need to follow their advice and I’ll be fine. I find this very patronizing. These people are well-meaning, but it somehow makes us appear weak or unwilling to co-operate if we don’t suddenly improve. It’s amazing how quickly a person, who may not have even heard of OCD previously, will suddenly announce they have the answer to our every obsession.

    I have said here before, few of us want pity, we merely want some tolerance and understanding. It is a very depressing fact, that not only do we rarely receive empathy, but we encounter impatience and arrogance. So many of my friends have been treated by their friends (and often family) as if they have chosen not to listen to sound advice on how to cure themselves and must therefore want to suffer (or wallow, as has been said to me many times, including on this forum by fellow sufferers).

    Sorry that my last couple of messages have had a rather dark and sarcastic tone. I have battled through another week of horrendous chores and overwhelming contamination fears and am sick to death of being judged. As Shakespeare said, ‘Everyone can master a grief but he that has it’!

    Tue Aug 31 2010 12:08:23 #
  12. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    Thanks Minette for the advice. My ruminations are out of control at present. At the moment I am obsessing because someone I was talking to may have spit into my eye. Not even a real risk for HIV, but the thought train just gets going and is hard to stop.
    You have a very good point about the sort of hyper-vigilance one develops. If you are anxious about dirt/blood/bacteria you will indeed see it everywhere.
    I have yet to tell anyone other than my doctor about my OCD. It must be awful to reveal this part of yourself to a friend, and to receive so little compassion. This may also be due to the somewhat humorous portrayal OCD sufferers receive in films, TV shows, etc. Thinking of the one with Jack Nicholson, when he falls in love with the waitress played by Helen Hunt. The way he has to bring his own fork and knife to the restaurant, how he takes a new bar of soap every time he washes his hands, etc, provides entertainment value in the film. Yet I can see myself doing similar things if I were to get a little worse in terms of my compulsions. And that is not funny at all. I think many people think of OCD only in terms of the behaviors it causes, and think that all you have to do is stop taking a new bar of soap each time you wash, etc, and you will be cured.
    Tricia, what a wonderful Shakespeare quote! And how true.

    Tue Aug 31 2010 16:16:06 #
  13. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    Btw I have indeed ordered the book mentioned above, and checked out some others at my local library today.

    Tue Aug 31 2010 16:16:55 #
  14. Avatar Image

    LAH71
    Member

    Minette, thanks for your post. A lot of what you said really connected with how I feel and behave. I am always on alert looking for any contaminations and it is exhausting. I start to feel anxious and then a particular train of thought takes hold and before I know it I'm in a high state of anxiety. I find myself thinking of scenarios that might happen and how I would cope. This says more about my wanting to control than anything else. On my stronger days I sometimes feel that I am right on the edge of taking the risk just to see what would happen but get afraid right at the last minute.

    I have a great psychologist who is asking me to do some of things you mentioned ... pyramid, exposure etc. It is stressful but I hope it will help me in the long run as to be honest I feel like the OCD has taken over my life and who I am, which I find very sad.

    Overcoming OCD is also a very good book which I am reading through in between my counselling sessions.

    Take care everyone x

    Tue Aug 31 2010 18:57:14 #
  15. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    Hi all, just feel a need to post as I am having a really difficult time at present. I have called the hospital to which I've been referred, but they haven't even gotten to look at the referral letter from my GP yet, so it will be days until I can get an appointment.

    We have a guest from Russia staying with us at present, which is SO hard for me as my house is like my "safe zone" (free of hiv-infectious fluids). I don't mind my friends coming over, etc, but this guy is a stranger to me and I am very uncomfortable with it. Am obsessing about my children having possibly come into contact with some of Russia guy's semen spilled in the bathroom yesterday. Am not sure if it was semen, but it resembled it. I cannot ask the Russian to leave for reasons too complicated to explain on here.

    I am starting to clean the bathroom and my hands more often than necessary due to this stress. I do not normally over-wash, so I feel like my condition is worsening.

    Wed Sep 1 2010 11:18:59 #
  16. Avatar Image

    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    To chime in for a moment:

    I too experienced the advice of friends, who did a quick Google session, and had the answers to all of my problems after 30 minutes or so. I smiled wrily. It is well-meant, but based on ignorance.

    When doing some research for my weblog, I came across a lot of those ugly 'self-help'-sites that promise things like: 'Beat Your OCD In A Month!'. Mostly these are being run by quacks who have a book to sell; and sometimes (in more grave occasions) by qualified doctors who practise therapy but have some sinister financial interest on the side.

    Avoid them like the plague. The real literature is much more sober in its promises and evaluations of therapeutical solutions. And the stories and reports I read here completely confirm what true scientist have to say on the matter.

    Wed Sep 1 2010 13:18:27 #
  17. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    So last night I basically got into an argument with my husband by telling him I wanted the work on the house stopped, and had a variety of reasons (none of them good) for wanting the Russian guy out. Just to add some marital stress to the ocd stress...
    Needless to say, he wasn't very understanding. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the real reason I want Russian guy out.
    I have this horrible feeling that we have put/are putting our children at risk by allowing this person to be in our house. All I want to do is protect them.
    I think I liked it best when they were babies who just laid in their beds or in my arms, and I could watch over them all the time without it being weird. Lately I am having difficult sending them to pre-school, and I was fine with that before.
    Sigh...

    Thu Sep 2 2010 13:38:01 #
  18. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    Oh, Sarah, how I empathize with you! At times, I also wished my children had stayed as babies, because it was so much easier to ensure their safety. Obviously, I don’t know your husband at all, but I do wonder if keeping your OCD from is the best approach.

    Tricia x

    Thu Sep 2 2010 14:18:18 #
  19. Avatar Image

    Minette
    Member

    hi sarah, I wonder, like Tricia, if it is best to keep this all from your husband? I just had a brief chat with my partner as he went through me telling him about it, and he had to adapt to many rituals and anxieties so I wanted to ask how it affected him. He did just say to me that unless you tell your husband why you don't want the Russian chap in your home, your husband could think he has made a pass at you/ something odd has occured- you know the way men's minds can work!!
    He said he thought you couldn't really understand OCD unless you had it, but that he learned what it was about through experience with me, but doesn't mean to say he could understand it- fair enough! He said it most has got to him when it has directly affected him as he saw the rituals of cleaning or avoiding things as pointless and a waste of time and energy- well I agree there, doesn't mean we can stop it. He said otherwise he just had to come to some acceptance about it. If I hadn't told him, he would have felt even more isolated from me than he did.
    When I first told him, I made it very brief- OCD is this and the things that are mainly affecting me are this. I then would give him snippets of information- the therapist thinks I do this because....or I am working on this task this week. I would also explain to him what the psychologist thought his role should be- ie: not to stop me doing the rituals, that it had to come from me. If he stopped me, it would reduce my trust in him which then wouldn't help me security or OCD- as then I woudl do more rituals to reduce my anxiety. I then got him in to see the psychologist with me on a few occasions so he could have aspects explained to him by a professional, and he could ask questions.
    I really needed him to have some understanding, so that he would know for instance not to question or go on about something if I refused to do it- like you not wanting your house turned upside down at the moment!
    However, regardless of him knowing, it doesn't change the fact that OCD is very isolating. No matter what he may have done to understand, the battle is internal. Just having someone who knows, I do feel is really important. At least then if he does or says something that is making matters worse, you can just say 'That really isn't helping right now' or 'Please don't talk about that right now, I am feeling really anxious'
    It is soemthing to maybe consider. He may surprise you. unless he is absolutely ignorant, he must have noticed certain behaviours or anxieties coming from you recently, so he must be wondering what is wrong. Maybe he needs to know something?
    Are you on medication? I was dead against it for ages but eventually it was suggested to me because me thoughts were so continuous and panic attcks etc that the psychologist couldn't get anywhere with me. I do think it calmed me down a bit- SSRI's so I coudl make some progress.

    I really hope you get some help soon. Bear in mind it is VERY understandable that you aren't good at the moment- work to be going on in your home, your sanctuary, and a stranger in your home, and your own personal realisation that the OCD is taking over a bit at the moment- all are factors that can cause a difficult time. I know none of us are there to help you, but I hope you get some reassurance from people knowing what you are going through. It can and will get better at soem point in the future, you just need some help.

    Take care

    Minette

    Thu Sep 2 2010 17:43:27 #
  20. Avatar Image

    sarah81
    Member

    Dear Minette and Tricia,
    Thanks so much to both of you for your input. Being able to talk to you people here on the forum is just a wonderful source of support for me, and I am so grateful for all the helpful comments and personal messages I have received.

    I think I will tell my husband a part of this after I see a psychiatrist, so that I can give him an informed opinion as to how wacko I am. haha

    The Russian guy is very little, about 20 years my senior, and not very attractive, so I don't think my husband would be worried about him overpowering me or seducing me in some way. Russian guy will leave tomorrow in the early afternoon so at least I can relax on the weekend.

    Your description of my home as a sanctuary was so accurate Minette- I like (and need) it to be my safe place that I am in total control of. This is true for me even when I am not obsessing about HIV, then I often obsess about problems with my house, like mice.

    I think I have seemed a bit withdrawn lately, but as most of my OCD takes place in my head I don't think my husband has been bothered at all by it, aside from the argument last night. Tonight we went on a picnic and a big dog stormed our picnic blanket and trampled into our food, but I just scraped off the parts the dog had touched, and then we ate the rest. When really I wanted to just throw the entire picnic into the lake...haha. So, for the most part, if you were my "real-life" friends, you would not think of me as a compulsively clean or paranoid person. My point is, I don't think my husband as really noticed anything odd about me yet.

    When I think back, the times in the past years when my OCD has been at a peak have been times when we've had a lot of workers around. I cannot put off having work done on the house forever, it's just part of being a homeowner, so I will have to find a way to deal with this.

    I am not on medication, my GP didn't want to start me on that as it's a rather specialized treatment. I am VERY open to going on meds (we drs love pharmaceuticals) and will hopefully start soon after my first appointment with a psychiatrist.

    Thu Sep 2 2010 18:57:15 #
  21. Avatar Image

    LAH71
    Member

    Hi

    I just wanted to echo the sentiments of Minette and Tricia and to let you know I'm thinking about you and hope that you're ok. I think you did the right thing telling your hubby about the Russian (you know my thoughts on it ... hope you got that email!?!). OCD is very isolating but at least if you tell your husband he may understand a bit more why you sometimes feel anxious with workmen in the house etc. I too wish my little girl was still a baby, you can protect them so much more She starts pre-school next week and I am really anxious but also excited for her because she keeps talking about being a big girl now and going to school ... brings a tear to my eye!

    Take care
    Laura x

    Thu Sep 2 2010 19:25:35 #
  22. Avatar Image

    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    Hiya Sarah -

    here's wishing you well. I hope you'll eventually overcome the unease about the work to be done in your house. When my hoarding was at its peak, I got mortally afraid every time someone was sent to my by the housing corporation (I rented, still do) to do work. Afraid that the worker would be shocked by the mess, and I'd lose the living quarters as a consequence. But that's something of the past, thank God.

    Forgive me: the idea of a diminutive Russian man entering your premises made me laugh. Made me think of some weird spy story... but I can understand that your fears are very real, trust me.

    Let us know how everything worked out in the end, will you?

    Ciao, Cuthbert.

    Fri Sep 3 2010 10:58:20 #
  23. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    Dear Sarah, I think you are coping admirably and I can understand how you believe your intrusive thoughts are being kept from your husband. Of course, the nature of them is, but it’s almost impossible for our anxiety to remain totally hidden. The trouble is, people can so easily misinterpret this. The following example is different from your situation, but I can see a similarity. In the book I mentioned by Judith Rapoport, she wrote about the sad story of a man who kept his OCD from his wife for thirty years. He had no compulsions, so there was no clue to his problem, but his mind was occupied and he appeared distant much of the time, because of his obsession. When he eventually confided in his wife she could not have been more relieved, because she had always known that something was very wrong, but assumed he was unhappy with her or didn’t love her as much as he had when they first married. Life became so much easier for both of them, once she knew what was wrong. Clomipramine cured his obsession, but sadly this was after his wife’s death.

    I know that somewhere we spoke about the excellent Scandinavian health system (but can’t recall where!). I was thinking back to an interview on one of our news programmes (last year). I believe the prime minister being interviewed was Norwegian. Didn’t he admit to suffering depression and wasn’t he inundated with letters of support? I’m not sure if the same would occur here in Britain.

    My husband could not really have been less tolerant of my OCD when a psychiatrist first explained it to him. In fact, I thought the two men were going to come to blows! The psychiatrist (after his meeting with my husband) announced that he was the most ignorant and self-opinionated man it had ever been his displeasure to meet. He declared he would never understand or tolerate my OCD. My husband then ranted about the psychiatrist and his ineptitude for the next few weeks (still brings it up occasionally!). However, over the years my husband has come to understand my problems better than many of my friends who have OCD. This is because he watches me struggle and can see the effort I put in. He admits to not being able to fully appreciate how I am feeling, but he is close to doing so. If I had not confided in him I know our marriage would not have survived. I realize we can never compare our situations (or anything else for that matter!). But, I think, for the majority of us, being open with loved ones about our illness is best.

    Tricia x

    Fri Sep 3 2010 12:33:32 #
  24. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    P.S. I agree completely with Minette. I know when I had building work done I was a total wreck. When our sanctuaries are being ‘invaded’ it’s one of the worst feelings. It certainly doesn’t mean your OCD is getting worse, it‘s just reacting to the temporary stress overload. It took me a while to ‘recover’ but my OCD eventually returned to how it was before the work began.

    Fri Sep 3 2010 12:41:20 #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.

OCD Action Forums

Key

  • - Forum section
  • - New post in forum
  • - Topic post
  • - New post in topic
  • - Announcement, important
  • - Support Question
  • - Resolved Support Question
  • - Locked topic
  • - Hot topic
  • Bold text denotes an unread post in topic or forum area.

What’s new

'OCD at School' Youth Event

Posted January 27, 2012

OCD Week 2012

Posted January 17, 2012

Advocacy Set to Expand

Posted December 2, 2011

Conference 2011

Posted November 29, 2011

More News »

Helpline: 0845 390 6232 / 020 7253 2664
Helpline email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

Office: 020 7253 5272
Office email: info@ocdaction.org.uk