OCD Action

sammy
Member

Hi,
I posted here ages ago but haven't since as i am so ashamed of the horrid evil thoughts that i have nearly all the time i can't remember a day when i haven't had them. I have had ocd since my daughter was born 17 months ago and it has been 17 months of hell. The thoughts intrusions what ever you like to call them are so bad that i can't even tell my psychaitrist or psychologist exactly what they are. Its like i am bullied by my own mind all day everyday. I am such a kind and caring person and this ocd has made me feel like i am no longer that it makes me feel like one of the worst person in the world!!!
I lie to people and say that i have postnatal depression because i am to ashamed to admit to ocd, not only that but family members who i have told i have ocd automatically think that it is the contamination,germs ocd (which must be just as distressing i know) but because other types of ocd don't seem so well known, i have to try and explain what ocd i have and they just look at me shocked not knowing really what to say. when they do say something they say things like you are not that kind of person they are only thoughts. But what they don't understand is how overwhelming these thoughts are and even though you are totally disgusted and distressed and would never ever acted on them, they are really difficult just to dismiss if you know what i mean.
partner and i would love another baby but i am so scared that ocd will get worse and family and friends will think i am totally mad having another one, but a big part of me thinks why should i not have what i want why should ocd spoil all my hopes and dreams.
It would be so nice to hear from people who may understand how i feel, that is just awful and totally depressed all the time when this should be the happiest time of my life. Because i have no one who really understands.

Mon Jul 21 2008 13:50:19 #
OCDLONELY
Member

Hi Sammy
I'm sorry to hear how distressed you have been. I know how distressing unwanted thoughts can be. Its easy just to say its ocd but when its so distressing its hard to ignore. Just remember you are not alone and you aren't a bad person you are just suffering from ocd. Were all here for support so I'm sure people on here will understand what you are going through and will want to help. Take care

Daniel

Mon Jul 21 2008 18:51:33 #
swan
Member

Hi,
My ocd was diagnosed two years ago and I get the horrible thoughts. I was scared to tell my psychiatrist but I did so over two sessions initially I used to borrow his pen and writedown the thoughts when I had told him it was a major relief, and it was n't new to him at all. Since telling him some of the thoughts have virtually disappeared whilst others remain. I found my worse time are the cinema, theatre, swimming things like that. Sometimes when swimming I have to fight off crying same in cinema but I weigh it up and decide to still go so that my life isn't totally ruled by OCD, as its ruled by it enough already. So I would encourage you to tell your psychiatrist he wont think your a bad mum or be surprised at what you have to tell him, he would have heard it before. People always think ocd is containimaion I tend to just people I have OCD and only a very few know the full extent. I have very supportive parents but I only tell them some.
If you want to pm me please do thing about OCD is that we'er not shocked either.
All the best

Mon Jul 21 2008 22:29:14 #
brennie
Member

Sammy, please dont be frightened to tell your phsyciatrist everything because nothing suprises them about OCD, dont forget we all know how bitter and twisted this condition is.
Most people think OCD means consistant washing / contamination, in my case i have never had this type of OCD.
OCD takes its forms in many different forms and severities , my particular ones are intrusive thoughts, checking / counting rituals, symetry, so dont be afraid to tell your psyciatrist about your thoughts nomatter how awful they are he/she will understand ... nothing shocks honestly !
Take Care,
brennie x

Mon Jul 21 2008 23:22:02 #
Unregistered

Dear Sammy, We have missed you, I've been wondering how you were doing, and had hoped you were improving. As has already been said, psychiatrists have heard this all before, no matter how bad you think your thoughts are. Do try to talk about them. I kept many of mine to myself for years, so I do understand. In fact, there are some I had never told anyone, until recently. I am in touch with two people from the board who do have intrusive thoughts, and they had shared some of their concerns with me. Even knowing that, I didn't dare say about all of mine. One young lady I have been talking to on the phone for quite a while. She is such a lovely, caring person, and I know she would never do any of the things she fears she will do. I trust her completely. I value her friendship so much, and yet a few weeks ago I decided to take a gamble and tell her of my thoughts which I had not dared to tell a living soul. I believed mine had to be 'unacceptable' even for OCD! To my surprise she then told me of some of the thoughts she had not dared tell me, and they were almost identical to mine! I know her thoughts are just OCD and that they are completely out of character, she feels the same about me and mine. Why could we not have felt the same about ourselves?! I cried after we spoke, tears of relief, mixed with tears of pain and empathy, because this condition is agonizing. I then told another close friend who has OCD and intrusive thoughts, another lovely lady, and received exactly the same response. It felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I mentioned this here previously, but a friend of mine in America recently told me that her psychiatrist was saying that if she had to think of the worst , most devastating condition known to man she would say OCD. Being aware of how devastating it can be, but at the same time knowing it is NOT a reflection AT ALL on us or our caring personalities, can help us to overcome the worst of the symptoms. Always remember, it's what sickens us most that torments us, never doubt that. Nothing is too awful, obscene, violent, selfish etc for an OCD intrusive thought. Thanks to my friends I am finally realizing that for myself!

Do keep in touch, Sammy, we missed you!

Love, Tricia.

Tue Jul 22 2008 9:27:17 #
sammy
Member

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all your lovely and very supportive replies.
I have had a terrible morning with lots of intrusions, care coordinator came to see me and told me to remember how well i am coping with things, even though to me i seem to be just struggling along!!
I really wish i could tell the psychiatrist and the psychologist what my intrusions are. But i just can't say them and i tried writing them down but couldn't bare to see the horrid things on the paper. My biggest fear is that they will take my baby from me if they know what really evil things are in my head. And i just couldn't bare that because i love her so much. Even though they all say they have no concerns regarding that it still really troubles me.
I find it really hard to think of this just as an illness, i blame myself and think that the intrusions are my fault and disgusted that i can think up such disturbing things.
thanks again everyone x

Tue Jul 22 2008 13:05:40 #
brennie
Member

Sammy, i understand how you feel that someone might take your baby away from you because of your awful thoughts, but i am sure that your Psyciatrist knows that it is just your OCD mind playing these awful tricks on you and giving you these wicked thoughts that are NOT real.
When my daughter was a little girl i had to send her to school very early soon after her dad had left for work because i was terrified of being alone with her, i had these terrible thoughts of harming her even though I LOVED HER dearly, so to keep her safe from my thoughts i would pack her off to school to early just to get her away from me ... in my mind to make her safe. This made me feel a wicked evil person so i made the decision i would not have any more children , my daughter is 41 yrs old now with two beautiful children of her own, i let OCD make me believe i was evil please Sammy dont worry about your thoughts because you will never act on them, you think these thoughts because you love your baby so very much and really all you want to do is love and protect , that is why you are punishing yourself so much because you cannot understand WHY ! .... we never get the answers.
These thoughts will eventually dissapear from your mind and probably be replaced by something that you can deal with better, OCD switches from one thing to another , its a crafty little devil. Enjoy your lovely baby and dont heed to these "not true " thoughts.

love brennie x

Wed Jul 23 2008 8:27:46 #
Unregistered

Dear Sammy, I am hoping that a lady who shares your problem will be back here soon and reply to your message. She explained to me how great her fears were. When she told her doctor about the extent of her intrusive thoughts she knew he would take her children away from her, or refuse to let her return to her home by having her sectioned. Neither of these things happened, because he knew her thoughts were only OCD. Talking about them really can make a huge difference to how we feel about everything.

Love, Tricia.

Thu Jul 24 2008 9:39:55 #
sammy
Member

Thanks tricia and Brennie for your replies, you both sound like such lovely ladies.
I am keeping a diary for my psychologist and i am trying to be a little more detailed.
Today has been a little easier not so many intrusions it's nice to have a easier day after so many bad ones!!
Take care
sammy

Thu Jul 24 2008 22:10:11 #
brennie
Member

Sammy, thats great you are keeping a diary of your day to day thoughts, try not to keep your thoughts to yourself nomatter how awful they feel to you.
I am glad you have had a better day, its great to get a little respite when you have been feeling so awful.
love brennie x

Thu Jul 24 2008 23:09:27 #