OCD Action

Facing the fear
Member

Hi everyone, I dont usually write in this forum but I am really In a state of panic now, feeling like a terrible freak.

I have been diagnosed with OCD of the type that makes me feel like I am pedo and recently I have weaned myself off of Antidepressants because I did not like the side effects, but it was helping my anxiety and positive thoughts.

Now I can kind of feel my OCD come back, I am begining to feel like a freak again.

For example yesterday, while walking on the street ,I saw what I thought was a woman walking towards me , Me being a man I like to look at women while I go about my business ..its natural, but as she got closer it turned out she was probably about 15-17 I felt disgusted and what made it worst is she looked at me, I felt terrible like a freak, I looked away straight away by then my OCD was urging me to look to check if I make a mistake or not and tellng me Im a freak, I didnt check again but I felt a freak an could'nt shak that thought off. The antidepressants were really helping me with this, it was not happening while I was on them, it was much easier for me to let this slide and not dwell on it which in effect would help me know I'm normal and just over worrieing overthinking about it,now I feel the OCD creeping back big time.

To make things even worst ,I did some exposure exercises today looking at photos of girls in a catalouge and one particular photo was giving me trouble, because of the way the girl was posing and looked my OCD kept on trying to transform the picture into the gal being a woman therefore I was feeling something I did not want to feel, this has made me even more anxious and upset. Does anyone know what I mean and understand the effects that OCD has to make the most innocent of things into something terrible?
I dont think it helped that I would check myself and even the photo in ways that would not help my exposure but this is the main problem I have trying to take it back to before I was cared about this . when I can take it back to not checking, I will be fine, checking is the main cause of my OCD.If I dont check everything is normal, but this OCD has got ne so paranoid that I have to check to make sure that I dont have any intrusive thoughts or urges and If I feel I do then this sets off the ruminating, anxiety and depression.

Can anyone relate to this type of OCD or can anyone relate there OCD to this problem? I am at my wits end , I know its OCD and it's just playing up but I really feel depressed now, summer is coming and I really don't need this now or ever at all.. I was doing so well, there is no way I would want to act on these intrusive thoughts or feelngs, but OCD makes it feel so real, I just want them gone ...I still havent got my head around just accepting these thougts without feeling its ok to have them, once I kind of get to that point I usually feel like a freak because if i dont care, then that makes me bad..How is it ment to be done, any tips on just letting the thought be there an not feelng as if youre a freak for not trying to banish them :cry:?

Sorry this is a long post, I feel as if Im ranting but I had to air it, I do know that this post may help others to see that they are not alone and I hope that I can get some good feedback as I need some support please.
Thanks for your time .

Fri Apr 16 2010 6:46:00 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Facing the fear,

Welcome to the forum.

This will have to be brief as I have a meeting shortly, but I didn't want you to feel unanswered.

You aren't the only one to have these thoughts and the forum is here for us to be able to express our problems and to ask for support and help from others on the forum.

You said that whilst you were on the antidepressants it was helping the anxiety and thoughts but that you weaned yourself off them because you didn't like the side effects. That I can understand, but did you speak to the doctor that prescribed them to tell them about the side effects and to ask if they could prescribe something different? All the drugs have different side effects and we all react differently to medication. So if one drug helped perhaps it's worth you considering trying another? Also coming off antidepressants will make the anxiety and the OCD worse, especially when you first come off it. Has your doctor suggested CBT as this is supposed to be the first line of treatment for OCD?

I'm no expert but as I see it when you were doing the exposure therapy you were catastrophising, that is thinking of the worst possible outcome for a given scenario. OCD of any type can do that, we are faced with a situation that people with OCD wouldn't give a second thought to, yet our OCD wont let go and imagines the worst possible outcome regardless of if that outcome is either unlikely or impossible. For example I have a fear of chemical contamination especially by everyday objects. For instance I'm frightened that if I touch a battery that it might have leaked and if I go on to touch anything else then it will because of the acid eat through what ever I touch (I had the same problem when the cat threw up I thought it would eat through the floor ) I catastrophise thinking the worst possible outcome, even though most of the outcomes couldn't possibly happen.

You really do need to go back to your doctor and seek his advice, especially as you were doing so well on the other medication you just couldn't tolerate the side effects.

Oh dear the length of this post and I started by saying this will have to be brief but I must go now or I'll be in trouble if late for my meeting.

Best wishes
Trudy

Fri Apr 16 2010 7:36:23 #
Facing the fear
Member

Aww thanks for your reply Trudy,

Fri Apr 16 2010 7:40:28 #
Facing the fear
Member

Aww thanks for your reply Trudy, I hope you are not late for your meeting lol:) You have given me some good advice. I did talk to my doctor and told him that I want to stop it completely try on my own, so he told me how to wean off of it, we did say that if It was too hard to handle I would try something else and as for CBT I am currently seeing a therapist and doing CBT, it's just got alot harder then it was. But I really want to try without meds, it has to be possible.

I think you are right about catastrisising things, as this is what I do all the time lookin a the worst outcome,I am so glad you said this as it has reminded me of whats happening, this is why I realy must stop checking.

It is a relief to be able to speak to like minded people on here, I really hope we can all kick this horrible OCD for good.

I have a day ahead of me and I think this post I will keep have to return to look at through out the day as I am sure by the end of the day I would have a few more worries to overcome

Thanks again Trudy for your advice, I hope to hear more of what you have to say ,have a great day

Fri Apr 16 2010 7:49:38 #
Unregistered

Hello Facing the Fear, I understand what you mean about becoming desensitized to something and then feeling guilty for not reacting badly to a situation. You said you worry that if you reach the point where you don’t care about the thoughts that makes you bad. No, it doesn’t! I don’t really have any tips. However, I do know that while thoughts alarm or disgust they tend to remain. When we stop caring they give up and go. Almost like the school bully. I have had intrusive thoughts that I never did reach that stage with. Mercifully another obsession took over. I have had very distressing thoughts about my children, which alarmed me and made me feel disgusted with myself. For some reason, I can talk to the OCD now and say things like ‘Yes, that’s pretty drastic, even for you’ and continue what I am doing without become too distressed. I don’t know why it works for this obsession, but not for others. Actually, I said ‘for some reason’ but I believe that reason is solely down to a lovely young lady with OCD, who shared her darkest thoughts with me and who didn’t seem at all shocked when I shared mine. I found that someone I knew well and admired had similar intrusive thoughts to mine, and that helped me deal with them. I was no longer a freak, because she isn’t a freak!

Something that will probably not be helpful, but which I have noticed people say time and time again with paedophilia OCD, is how they panicked because they found a young teenager attractive. Adolescents can be attractive to the opposite sex. FEELING that way doesn’t make anyone a paedophile. Also, many young girls can appear older than they are, and it’s society which determines what is an acceptable age. A man could legally marry a sixteen year old, if he found a fifteen year old attractive would that make him a paedophile?

Does anyone recall the song ‘Young Girl’? I believe it was in the charts in the late 60s or early 70s. Here are a few of the lyrics:

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl

With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe you're old enough
To give me love
And now it hurts to know the truth, woah

I always imagined this was about a girl of around 15 and I have to say I didn’t know anyone who was disgusted by the lyrics or who believed the singer to be a paedophile. Personally, I felt very moved by the song and felt sorry for him.

I believe there are far more people with paedophilia OCD fears than even the experts imagine. It is one of the most secretive symptoms. I know at least ten people who suffer this, friends I know well, and I can only say that it must be so much easier to deal with now than it was when it was kept entirely secret. Years ago, most must have been totally unaware that they had OCD. What torture.

Fri Apr 16 2010 13:57:42 #
Truddles
Member

What a coincidence I've just been listening to that song, it's one of my favourites

This is only my personal view but I've always thought that the writer of the lyrics was trying to depict the confusion that was emerging in society. Gary Puckett and the Union Gap released it in 1968 at a time when young girls no longer dressed or looked like school girls and were wearing more and more make up. No longer could you easily distinguish school girls from young women who had left school. It must have been the start of a truly confusing time for men. It continues to this day, the inability to easily determine a young girls age and so determine as to whether they are under the age of consent or not.

I also think that the song doesn't blame the man rather it's pointing to the deception (be it intentional or otherwise) of the girl when he says
You led me to believe you're old enough
To give me love

- I digress, but a thought has just occurred to me - I do hope a teacher doesn't read this post and do what they used to do when I was at school. We'd be asked in English Literature to write an essay on 'what do you think he / ..she meant when he / she wrote.......... I'd think long and hard and write the essay only to be told that it was wrong. How do they know what the writer meant when he / she wrote the book?

Fri Apr 16 2010 14:50:31 #
Facing the fear
Member

Hi Tricia thanks for your input,I didn't think of it like that :-)..I guess I just have to let my thoughts be there and get on with what I am doing and realize that it's OCD that makes me feel bad that I'm ignoring it..OCD is like a little mischievous demon

I guess you are right about there not being anything wrong with thinking a teenage girl might look attractive, but it scares me that I might even think that from time to time, other people can just accept what they see and move on, why cant I ? And why does it horrify me to think this? You see on the news all the time about perverts and I just feel like I'm a freak, Its because of the intrusive thoughts that I definitely do not want to accept... What is the difference between a pedo and a man who might think a girl looks attractive but does'nt want to take anything further than the appreciation? ? How is that O.K. shouldn't men just be attracted to grown women? Maybe if I could get that answered it would be easier for me to understand this OCD and finally get it clear in my mind...I do recall a friend I used to know, telling me that he worked with students and it was just normal to think that some look attractive, but he just has to get on with what hes doing.. it seems that he was Ok about this because he didn't have the intrusive thoughts it was just an observation, where as anyone with OCD would have a simple appreciation of beauty twisted into something horrible .

Fri Apr 16 2010 15:17:13 #
vmb
Member

I think what your feeling is a normal part of being a human it is not the thought that makes a person "bad"; people have unhelpful thoughts all the time...I too suffer with this type of OCD. I thought I was a pedo since I was a teen, as well as many other horrible things. But having an intrusive thought is normal evryone gets them...some more then others, hence OCD. Just remember its only a thought. You aint gonna react on it cus your feeling so terrible about experiencing these thoughts and urges in the first place.

With my thoughts my therapist helped me by encouraging me to put the unhelpful thought into a balloon and watch it float away. Just do this everytime the thought re-appears, it does not matter how many times.

By believing your a bad person the thoughts are always gonna re-appear you have to start believing in yourself...you can make yourself believe anything you want. You have developed a bad habbit in the way you think. I know how you feel its horrible always feeling guilty because of thoughts and urges, just remember your making yourself feel that way so be strong believe in yourself dude.

I know so many people that have been attracted to the opposite sex and felt bad because they turned out younger, its happened to me too, thats life....its not the thought thats the problem its whats you do about it thats the problem.
have faith in yourself dude

Fri Apr 16 2010 16:38:00 #
Unregistered

Hi Facing the fear. Its Giles here, under a different nickname. I understand exactly what you mean. I'm sorry this is brief, but my head is hurting at the moment and I cannot concentrate to write a longer message. Give us a message and we can chat

Fri Apr 16 2010 23:00:13 #
Facing the fear
Member

Hi everyone vmb, Truddles, Tricia and welcome back Giles thanks for your support, I have been taking it all in what has been said and I will keep on checking to see because it is really helping me

Sat Apr 17 2010 21:08:26 #
Kelv
Member

Hi, I am the least experienced out of everyone here with their OCD so I apologise in advance for misunderstanding. I always thought I had OCD but after spending about the last 4 hours intensely researching it I now know I have it. I researched it because a "compulsion" has got so bad it's interfearing with my life. I'm 26 and I've had the compulsion for about 10 years. "Facing the fear" has worked so far with "intrusive thoughts" in the last 4 hours, from feeling "like a freak or fu&k-up", paniced and depressed, I am now confident at giving the therapy a go. I actually smiled and nearly cried from happiness when I "faced my fear" for only about 15 minutes, realised the worst case snerario and anxiety is just completely irrational - and that is from a thought when i was about 11 year old that I have not being able to get out my head. It's not out my head but it's now a comfortable thought. Research and talking is the way forward.....

Anyway about this post....

My advice, i'm 26, face your fear and admit some young girls are very attractive, because they look "legal" when perhaps they are not. At least 2 of my friends have mentioned a schoolgirl fantasy (and i know thats not what you're talking about) but my point is that since they were born, the earth may only have travelled around the sun 15 times, it may look as though it has 18 or 19 times even, but make-up and clothing are often designed to make the wearer look more attractive. In ancient Egypt, girls were married and had children as soon as they started their periods, in Rome I believe it was the "cool" thing to be gay. These days it's illegal to have sex with someone younger than 16. I know some people do, I know i would never do that but i do think some girls around that age are attractive, but i know i'm never gonna act on it. Now I only dare admit this on here becasue 2 of my friends have already said they find some schoolgirls attractive and because i'm a fan of "facing the fear" because so far in 4 hours it's had great results.

Again apologies for any misunderstanding.

Sun Apr 18 2010 1:55:19 #
vmb
Member

Kelv really good advice :-)

Sun Apr 18 2010 7:44:10 #
Facing the fear
Member

HI Kelv thanks for your message .. I have written about 4 different messages in reply to this but I deleted them because I really hate talking about this subject, I feel exposed and worried that somebody will misundertstand what I am saying so I just for my sake have to say that I do not want to act on any thoughts or want anything to do with underage girls this is not want I want in my life it would destroy me and others and this is not want I want at all, I hate the thought of it and all the consequnces I imagien there would be, this has got t be my worst fear to me its the lowest of the low! ... My worries mainly concern the fact that I misjudged or even thought that somebody was good looking and then this leads me to over thinking, OCD will then blast me with intrusive thoughts, whats-ifs and wanting to find some reassurance that I'm not a freak, this is when the checking comes in, Which leads into a worst cycle of doubts and fears...This all came from one intrusive thought about 7 years ago..If I had known about what exactly OCD was and that I had it, I could of stopped it there and then..I guess I'm alot better than I was back then now I am seeing a therapist and seeing OCD for what it is although its still a struggle sometimes hense why I wrote this thread...So Kelv I hope you go for that therapy It will help you...My OCD has flared up big time mainly due to me weaning myself off meds, I now have to get into space invader mode again so each time a intrusive thought trys to attack I have to have the knowlegde and wisdom to blast it out of my mind again with the meds you don'thave to do that as much but it still happens. ..One thing I must add to this is I had a chat about this kind of thing ( Not ocd, it was put the world to rights kind of conversation)with a colleague at work about sometimes not being able to tell the age of a girl because of how she dresses these days and it seems most men have this uncertainty at times but they just don't have OCD so that wont bother them as much but for us it takes up all our days and nights worrieing..I saw on another OCD site someone say that we as humans will natrully judge others by looks and that is why there is usually good looking child models, singers and actors picked by adults with no sinister intentions at all, so if they can do this , then why should we feel ashamed when we do not mean it in a sinister way either ? This is something that I try to remind myself if OCD trys to mess with me, It doesnt always help..But its so true..Right I really feel embarrassed and arkward writing about this so I won't add anymore to this thread, but I hope to see more valuble input on here, because I will visit this from time to time and I hope it helps others in a similar situation with OCD.

Thanks everyone for your support

Sun Apr 18 2010 12:06:12 #
Facing the fear
Member

Oh and forgot to tell you Kelv but it was too late to edit it that you did'nt completely misunderstand me, so there is no need for apology..Your input iss valuable and as I am finding out more and more knowledge is power when you have OCD, It kind of helps to dislodge those thoughts that become stuck and it's also a good weapon against OCD and the ruminating begins...So thanks for the post

Sun Apr 18 2010 12:53:51 #