OCD Action

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Jamesuk87
Member

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. I dont normally do things like this but I am completely lost and have no idea where to turn or what to do.

My girlfriend is quite simply one of the nicest people you could meet, she's such a loving and caring person but there is too sides to her. One is the person above, the other is just horrible. She says terrible things, physically lashes out if someone gets in her way.

She has been diagnosed with OCD since 15/16 (She's now 25). All of her family have pretty much given up on her. The parents went through a vile divorce, her mother suffers from OCD and hoards items.

When she was a kid, her mother actually washed her mouth out with soap. Hid their diaries, accused her father of sexual abuse and made the kids go through the court proceedings. She has done countless other things to both her and her sister, worse than other things above.

Her father has been physically abusive to her (After he had drank) and tried to get her commited.

No-one ever deserves to go through that. EVER.

Anyway, that gives you a background on her (not nice I know)

Today we live in a 1 bedroom flat, miles away from her family who no-longer support her in the city where I work. Her OCD is getting so much worse, up to a point where I am not going to be able to support her after Jan/Feb as my wage does not cover our outgoings (I will have ran out of savings then too). My electricity bills are on average £170 a month, I dare not think what my water bill is going to be. She can't work due to the fact that she is flatbound. For her routines to be done, its taking something like 9 hours.

We have had many chats in the past, in which I ask her if she is happy to which she replies no, I ask her is there anything I can do to help she says no, I try to explain to her my financial situation to which she has a massive argument about me and that how I can't love her. She goes on to shout at me that I want her to be homeless so that I can have a nice low cost life (Far from the truth)

I ask her if she can help me lower the bills (I never ask her to change her personality, just help make little cuts here and there) to which she replies no.

I am going to have no choice come february to end my tenancy and go back to live with my parents, and I have no idea where she will be. She wont live at her fathers, or mothers which I can 100% understand. So she may well be homeless, something which I can't stand the thought of. I don't think that I could live with myself if I did that to her.... but I have no choice.

I am willing to listen to any advice that anyone might be able to give me. Any help/advice as to what I can do would be appreciated. I feel like im stuck in a blackhole with no way out, and no light at the end (haha at least i still have some humour :()

Tue Oct 25 2011 18:42:06 #
Tess
Member

Hi James
I read your post last night and couldn't get it out of my mind, it brought back so many memories of how I was at the same age as your girlfriend. I was hoping when I came onto the forum this morning that by now you would have had lots of answers and I could leave it to other members to reply but I guess they must be feeling the same as I do - how can we help you both with the dilemma you find yourselves in. Firstly I want to say that my heart goes out to both of you, I will not judge or take sides as when it comes to OCD there are no rights or wrongs just challenges to overcome. You have gone to some lengths to explain your girlfriend's background and it is very sad but everything you say can be attributed to OCD - the problems in her childhood, parent's marriage breakdown, mother's behaviour and quite possibly her father's drunkenness too. These factors will not have caused your girlfriend's OCD which is almost certainly inherited. The huge problem you and your girlfriend have to face now is whether you are going to follow the same path as the previous generation or you are going to stop the OCD from ruining yet more lives. There is another decision which only you can make - do you love your girlfriend enough to face a difficult journey through life alongside her or would you rather cut and run now. You have an escape route back to your parents and noone would blame you for taking it - you will need to be very brave, mature and committed if you decide to support your girlfriend through this.
You say she was diagnosed with OCD some 10 years ago which begs the question what treatment is she currently receiving? If her OCD is getting worse then she needs treatment urgently. Her verbal and physical outbursts are a response to OCD fears which although invisible are terrifying in their intensity and both of you need to understand exactly what is going on in her mind and the circumstances which trigger these outbursts.
Of course she is unhappy, anyone and especially a young person confined into a one bedroom flat all day long imprisoned by her own mind is going to be desperately unhappy - but that does not necessarily mean that she is unhappy with you. The current uncertainty about the immediate future is not only going to increase her unhappiness but it will also aggravate the OCD rituals.
I don't know how or what to advise you other than to say you have choices. If you want to stay with your girlffiend then I suggest the first course of action would be to go jointly to your GP and ask for a referral to the mental health services. If you go back to your parents she will need the support of the mental health team anyway as she will need housing and an income and they will be able to put her in touch with all the relevant organisations.

Wed Oct 26 2011 10:24:30 #
Jamesuk87
Member

Hi,

Thank you for replying. I really have no idea what to do, I am getting depressed myself something which I have organised to talk to someone about.

She isnt taking any medication, or getting any help. She refuses to do so but still admits that she has a problem. I explained what its doing to me/us/everyone around her but she said that the OCD means more to her than anyone of those.

Thanks

James

Wed Oct 26 2011 10:37:45 #
chatterfairy
Member

Hi James

I saw this post after having not been on the forum for a while and felt like I had to respond. I can completely understand how you must be feeling. A few months ago, I had terrible OCD (although my past is not the same as your girlfriends) and my fiancee found it very difficult to cope. At one point, whilst washing my hands for the umpteenth time, he turned round to me and told me he was worried how much the water bill would be -very similar to what you have described. I remember feeling really bad about it, but thinking that that was secondary to my OCD ie. I would rather have an expensive water bill than stop my OCD routines. I think this is what your girlfriend is meaning when she says the OCD is more important.

Thankfully, I have now managed to control my OCD, and although it is still with me, I live a relatively normal life. It took a lot of hard work and determination (and still does on a regular basis) but I managed it. I believe your girlfriend can also reach this stage, although first she has to realise she has a problem and that she wants to get help. I understand you say she knows she has a problem, but I am not 100% convinced that she does - if she did, I believe she would want to attempt to get help, and would do whatever she could to fight the OCD.

I was treated by having CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), which can be used in conjunction with medication prescribed by your doctor (although I have not used any medication). CBT greatly helped me, and now when I look back on what I was like I can't believe it! Has CBT been offered to your girlfriend at some point? Has she spoken to anyone else with OCD? I think that sometimes it helps to know that others are suffering and feeling the same things. However, I want to reiterate that your girlfriend herself has to be willing to make a change - fighting OCD is a lot of hard work, and I felt greatly uncomfortable when I started my CBT with the things I had to do. For example, I wouldn't let anyone in my house wearing shoes - at one point, I would have to disinfect the floor if someone walked in with shoes on. Now, I still don't particularly love it, but people can walk around the house with shoes on (including me!) If you had told me 3 months ago I would be okay with that I would have told you you were mad! I just want you to know that CBT is an option for your girlfriend, but first she has to want the help.

Please let me know if you would like to chat more.

Wed Oct 26 2011 11:18:29 #
Tess
Member

Hi James
Refusing to get help isn't a viable option. I have a similar form of OCD to your girlfriend and I have been helped enormously by SSRI medication. Medication alone will help up to 70% of sufferers, if combined with CBT the success rate is even greater. She does not have to suffer like this. Could you introduce her to this website as a first step? It's scary for everyone getting help but there is no other way unless she wants to be a prisoner to her OCD all her life. If she is not willing to get help then it is unfair of her to tie your life down.
It is not surprising you are getting depressed and you are wise seeking help as you will not be able to make good informed decisions when you are depressed. You are obviously a very caring young man but you cannot allow your girlfriend's OCD to rule your life as well as hers and left untreated this is what will happen.
What she means when she says her OCD means more to her than anything else is that the anxiety and compulsions attached to it are stronger even than her own survival instincts - and it does feel like this probably because there is believed to be a malfunction in the communication system in the brain which links the body's basic survival mechanisms with a person's thoughts. She is a very sick lady at present and she needs to understand this and take the step of accepting treatment. It is very possible that after just a month of suitable medication she will feel vastly better and you will be able to discuss household budgets without an outburst but she has to agree to seek treatment. It only involves a visit to the GP as a first step.

Wed Oct 26 2011 11:18:41 #
Tess
Member

PS have a look round this website, particularly at the Support and Info section and it will tell you the treatments which are available - The NICE guidelines will explain in detail the entitlements to different forms of treatment under the NHS.

Wed Oct 26 2011 11:25:49 #
Jamesuk87
Member

Hi again

In the past, when she lived with her father (before I had met her) he brought along a Dr to discuss the options available to her. CBT was mentioned and in the past she has attended therapy. Here's where another nasty thing that her mother did comes along.

When she was younger she once made a slight breakthrough from what i can gather. The therapist explained her her mother that she was causing some of the problems. With that the therapist was told to leave the house immediately by her mother and that was the end of that.

I will certainly talk to her about this website. I will try to get her to sign-up. I've tried to get her to read other forums in the past but she keeps thinking that I am trying to get her to change for me. When all I want is for her to get better for herself.

I want the sweet girl i fell in love with back not the nasty OCD monster that I currently have. I fear I have lost her forever. Its fast approaching where I need to make a decision, whilst I dont think I could ever live with myself for basically turning her out on the street, I dont think (currently) I can live with her without faling into severe depression.

I wish once, something was easy.

Wed Oct 26 2011 11:47:24 #
David
Member

Hi James

I think the advice of Tess is very pertinent. At the practical level, it is possible to ask for a 'needs assessment' from a local authority from the social work department. You could ring national Mind's helpline which would put you into contact with organisations that could advise you as to what practical actions can be taken. Personally speaking as a man with OCD and hoarding issues it has always been me who has asked for help - it's very difficult if a person does not want to change. Lastly the book 'Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' by David Veale and Rob Wilson has a chapter for family and friends and useful questionnaires. Perhaps you might both fill in some of the questionnaires and see how different you are from each other with regard to your behaviour.

Wed Oct 26 2011 12:44:43 #
Jamesuk87
Member

Update:

We had an hourlong chat about things this afternoon, I got her before she started her routines. We talked about a lot of stuff, including how I feel about it. It then got turned around on me about why am I feeling sorry for myself when its her the one with the problem. I told her that I love her and that I am trying to fight for our relationship. Again she said that how everyone wants her to be on the street, and that if she has to she will live on the street and still have OCD as she wont change for anyone.

We talked about therapy/group sessions, she said she feels uncomfortable about talking to people face to face, and that there was no way she was going to talk o a therapist. I then asked her about an online forum where people are anonymous, she said that she would probably try it but she said that it doesnt really matter what happens, she will never change as she doesnt know what she would do without her OCD.

With regards to social work, benefits etc etc. She simply flat out refuses. She has previously worked as a cabin crew (If she's reading this now, she deffinately knows who I am) and has a dream to one day be one again, something which I support and spend countless hours and money on getting her to the assessments. She has been very unlucky not to get a job, she was offered a position last May when the next training course was available. That is the last she ever heard from them with regards to that.

We have also agreed that she should in the mean time try to find part time evening work (after 5pm) but she doesnt know if she would be able to keep the job down.

James

Wed Oct 26 2011 14:11:13 #
chatterfairy
Member

Hi James

Would it help your girlfriend to chat to someone (non-judgmental) that has experienced OCD? I would be happy for her to email me through this website, and she can ask me anything she wants (no holds barred) in relation to any aspect of OCD, treatments etc...?

Chatterfairy

Wed Oct 26 2011 16:29:33 #
Jamesuk87
Member

Hi Chatterfairy,

I think that it may do. She doesnt know about these posts just yet, but I will tell her in a bit and I think it may help.

She has finally told me why she is worried about seeking help, because she wants to be a flight attendant, she is worried that she would be automatically blacklisted if she has this problem on her medical record. Can anyone help me on that?

Thanks

James

p.s. She has said that she is willing to try hypnotherapy, does anyone know much about that?

Wed Oct 26 2011 17:25:57 #
Tess
Member

Hi James
As far as I am aware hypnotherapy is not considered an appropriate therapy for OCD. As for being blacklisted by having OCD on her medical record I think the best person to advise you on her rights to confidentiality is Jude, the OCD Action advocate. If you click on the blue box marked Advocacy it will tell you how to contact her.

Wed Oct 26 2011 17:44:16 #
David
Member

Hi James

Contacting Jude is a good idea but there is often a contradiction between legal rights and personnel practice - as evidenced by a number of employment tribunal cases. I think it's easier to have rights in employment rather than being outside employment seeking a job. If she knows anybody in the industry who is either in human resources or general management then she would have an idea of the procedures. Or she could contact the trade unions involved in the industry to try and find out what happens. She has presumably applied for jobs and knows whether there are medical questions and/or occupational health interviews. If you look on national Mind's website you will find when the legal advice line is open this is staffed by professional lawyers who keep abreast of the law. But surely first things first - having worked as a volunteer with the homeless I know it is virtually impossible to have a job with no fixed abode. It would also be difficult to live on the street or in a hostel.

Wed Oct 26 2011 19:55:40 #
Jamesuk87
Member

Ok,

So we had a long chat last night, she has explained that while she doesnt want it to go on his medical record, she also doesnt want her father to find out and try to gain control over her.

I explained if you went to speak to someone that her father wouldnt find out unless she told him. She was dismissive and said she's not going to try CBT or medication. She explained how she was willing to try Hypnotherapy but at £60 a go with my finances already extended thats an impossibility

I am also trying to get her to sign up to a forum. Hopefully she does

Ta

James

Thu Oct 27 2011 9:11:48 #
Tess
Member

Hi James
I sense you feel you are beating your head against a brick wall and who could blame you. Her fears about her father finding out are unrealistic, in fact medical professionals are bound by very strict regulations about confidentiality and if she explained her concerns they would have to make a written note and abide by her wishes. Your girlfriend is worrying about things that cannot happen.
Also. as I said previously, hypnotherapy is not considered an appropriate treatment for OCD. In theory it sounds ideal, a nice little sleep and wake up to find all your OCD has vanished into thin air - sorry but it's less likely to happen than finding rocking horse poo and you will be pouring money you can't afford down the drain - and possibly even making things worse because if someone puts their hopes into something which doesn't work then they will end up even more despondent afterwards.
If hypnotherapy worked we'd all be cured and there would be no need for this forum or the army of trained professionals out there trying to help people combat this disorder.
Sorry to be so blunt but if she is to recover she has to be willing to understand the process and be willing to accept the type of treatment which decades of research - and unsuspecting guinea pigs like myself before modern treatments were devised - have come to understand to be the most effective.

Thu Oct 27 2011 9:33:51 #
chatterfairy
Member

Hi James

I just wanted to say I wholeheartedly agree with Tess. If hypnotherapy was an option I would have taken it. I am afraid it takes a bit more willpower than that. I think you have to accept it sounds like your girlfriend doesn't want to overcome OCD (as it stands currently). She seems to be making excuses as to why she won't see a doctor, even though the chances are she can better manage OCD by doing so.

I really think she needs to speak to someone with first hand experience and ask them all the questions/concerns she has. I am more than happy to help, but your girlfriend has to be willing to make a change.

Thu Oct 27 2011 12:30:25 #
Jamesuk87
Member

Right, ok. I doubt I could afford what he was charging anyway. I think that deep down she wants to change (Well atleast I hope), I dont think she wants her family involved. I ask her whether she trusted me, she said yes and that I wanted to help her.

Her father in the past has actually undermined Patient - Doctor confidentiallity. No idea how, or why. Its painful for her to talk about and it was before I was with her.

I know a church leader who has dealt with mental health issues before (His wife, who is sadly no longer here suffered with depression and his daughter had OCD) He has said that if we ever want to go round his for a meal we can do.

I have to back off a bit. I am pleased I have got her thinking about it, and we are going part time job hunting tomorrow evening at Meadowhall. I hope, i really do that she wakes up out of this nightmare soon as come January, I am screwed

Thu Oct 27 2011 14:08:36 #
BT
Member

James, Experts don’t suggest hypnotherapy for the treatment of OCD, but it can be very helpful for some. I have a friend who is so much better after six sessions of this therapy.

I feel so sorry for your girlfriend, she is probably terrified of exposure therapy. I do hope she agrees to see her doctor and that she will try medication. It must be incredibly hard to suffer OCD and to have endured the things she has in the past.

Thu Oct 27 2011 14:17:48 #
BT
Member

P.S. In some places hypnotherapy is available on the NHS (at least it used to be, it's worth checking).

Thu Oct 27 2011 14:20:01 #
Tess
Member

Must admit I don't know anyone who's actually tried hypnotherapy, I've just read the professional view.

Thu Oct 27 2011 17:05:30 #
Tess
Member

Also James I think you have already started to make progress. Your girlfriend has acknowledged she has a problem, you have been able to discuss it with her without it ending in upset and she will now be thinking about it. Of course she wants to change, we all do, it's just the process of change which can feel overwhelming. It takes time to accept you have a problem and decide to do something about it and progress is never straightforward, it is always two steps forward and one back. But your girlfriend trusts you and that bodes well for the future. I like the way you say you have to back off a bit now, that shows that you are sensitive to her feelings and that you care enough about her not to put too much pressure on her. She needs to progress at her own pace, too much pressure will just aggravate the OCD.

Thu Oct 27 2011 17:46:51 #
Advocate 1
Moderator

Hello all,

I thought it would be useful just to clarify a few points raised in this post re employment issues and OCD. There is a PDF ( factsheet) in the Advocacy section of this site that is specifically written about this issue. It has been written with the help of employment lawyers and is about as upto date as anything I have seen! Basically, since Oct last year, it is now unlawful to ask medical questions prior to the offer of a job being made. This is specfically so those with any kind of disability ( and OCD can be considered as such depending on how severe it is and now long you have had it) cannot be 'screened ' out in application and will get the job on their interview, references and qualifications. Once you have been offered a job, medical questions can be asked, but in response to a condition disclosed, the employer must now under law make 'reasonable adjustments' for their employee to accomodate any disability. If an employers were to withdraw an offer based on a disclosure of a disability this would be in clear breach of the Equality Act and open to court action. An employer can only ask questions prior to interview to find out if a person needs any adjustments on the day of interview, ie wheel chair access- there are some other catagories of questions that can be asked- these are listed in the PDF.

I will get back specifically to James in regard to his query, but thought it helpful to outside this particular part of the general disability duty now enforcable under the Equality Act 2010.

Jude
Advocacy Manager OCDA

Thu Oct 27 2011 18:11:06 #
Tess
Member

Just wanted to say Jude these are super little leaflets. When I took an OCD Action stall to a Rethink conference earlier in the year the vultures descended and took my entire stock which was really encouraging.

Fri Oct 28 2011 9:30:15 #
Pepper
Member

Hi James,
I'm sorry that you and your girlfriend are going through such a difficult time at the moment and I really hope that things pick up for you both. It seems that you are at least making some progress by actually talking about it and sometimes that can be the hardest step. I understand that your girlfriend is worried about her medical records and future employment, I was concerned about the same thing, but then I realised that the way things were going I wouldn't have been in any position to go for a new job anyway, plus as a lot of people have already said there's a lot of legislation around that now to help people in this kind of position.
I just wanted to say that I'm in a similar age group to you and your girlfriend and would be happy to chat to either of you if you think it would help... there's a lot of people on here who know much much more about OCD and the treatments but sometimes you just want someone in the same boat.
Good luck, and look after yourself too.

Fri Oct 28 2011 11:21:28 #
Advocate 1
Moderator

Hello Tess- thanks for that feedback- very encouraging! good to know they are being used. There will be some new ones out on rights involving Education issues and also one especially for Landlords and housing providers as to how to support tenants with OCD. The new PDFs will be advertised on the home page, so watch this space!
Jude

Sat Oct 29 2011 8:37:48 #
Tess
Member

Hi Jude
I found that it was the people who work in the caring agencies who were so eager to have these leaflets. There is very little information out there about OCD and these leaflets are concise and easy to read yet they contain all the pertinent facts about legal rights and responsibilities. They are well designed too, the covers immediately attract attention - quickly followed by hands! Next time I will make sure I have a bigger supply.

Sat Oct 29 2011 9:24:16 #
Advocate 1
Moderator

Thanks Tess- will feedback to the team and its great that you are getting them out there! distribution can be a problem, so this type of support for the work of the charity to get the information out there that both raises awareness and challenges discrimination, is invaluable.
Jude

Mon Oct 31 2011 8:33:59 #
Tess
Member

Hi Jude
You could use the volunteer 'Awareness Champions' or the support group leaders to get the literature out. I found GP surgeries very unhelpful about taking and displaying literature, everything has to go through the practice manager and I got the impression in many surgeries that mental health is a low priority for taking up space in their leaflet racks and notice boards. Schools are very supportive but they are not appropriate for some of the Advocacy literature. It needs to get out to the organisations which work on the front line with sufferers. Sadly some of these outreach and social care type services are having to close down because of funding issues so there is even greater need to get the information out to them.

Mon Oct 31 2011 9:59:05 #
Jamesuk87
Member

Morning Everyone,

It has been a few weeks since I posted so I thought that I would give a bit of an update.

Its been a very stressfull few weeks, for many reasons. My flat has had a leak and has essentially ruined everything, the walls, bathroom, flooring, carpets. Luckily I rent the place and although there were points where they were trying to blame me the plumbers have since found many things wrong with the flat.

My girlfriend has accepted that this way of life cannot continue, she finally got to bed at 5am this morning after cleaning for 8hours yesterday. Its a cycle that I am trying to get her to break. We have made an appointment with a highly recommended hypnotherapist who uses CBT to help the people he treats. He is also a trained therapist so I hope and pray that this helps her.

She has also decided to start looking at benefits, she hasnt been outside of my flat for 5 weeks and its going on 6 now. She says that future employers will hold it against her if she says that she has been taking benefits and I explained to her that they are not allowed to do that. Fingers crossed that she will start to do that to help me out financially. I am barely keeping my head above water as is any help from her would remove about 70% of my stress levels.

I can now only hope/pray that this treatment works and that she starts to help herself.

Thanks

James

Tue Nov 15 2011 10:18:33 #
Tess
Member

Hi James
Thanks for the update. You could have really done without that leak, you have both done well getting through the stress and keeping your relationship afloat.
I think you are sensible to look into claiming benefits, however if your girlfriend is not willing to go down the usual route of seeing a GP and getting a professional diagnosis and engaging with treatment under the NHS then I suspect many benefits which she might be entitled to will be very difficult to claim. Also the system of claiming out of work benefits can be very stressful.
I hope the hypnotherapist will be able to help her.

Tue Nov 15 2011 11:00:46 #