OCD Action

Wings
Member

Hi guys, my name is wings, I'm new to the forum and I'm not sure where to begin. I seperated from my wife in August, and she moved back to France then with my five year old little boy, not due to the OCD but because we wernt getting on, I hadnt had my OCD for years, since she was pregnant, then it was a fear of HIV. tests and tests later it convinced me I was ok, as everyone had been telling me for months, I guess I carried around this guilt for quite sometime, it never left my thoughts on the pressure on my wife when carrying our beautiful boy. since then I have met a beautiful woman who I have fallen madly in love with, and the OCD has reared its ugly head yet again, the imp of my mind bullies me every minutes at the moment, so Im on fluoxatine 40 mg and seeing a CBT specailist to help me. My OCD is the fear of causing offence to anyone, not being polite enough, I cant make love to my girlfriend without constantly checking all the time, so then I feel im not enough for her and then I get anxious and then my OCD comes back, Ive had about hours sleep in two days, if I knew life was going to be this difficult I would have stayed in an un happy marriage, at least id have my son with me, day after day I re check everything I said, did, write it all down to make sure I wasnt rude, god my head wirls around like a freight train, how much more can this punish me.

Tue Jan 10 2012 17:29:51 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Wings, welcome to the forum. This OCD can drive us totally crazy can't it? I wish I knew what to say... I'm sorry to hear of your split up, and the time you now don't have with your little boy. And now it is all going strange for you now, just as you have a new girlfriend. I too have this thing of not wanting to upset anyone, and of perhaps not being polite enough too... It sounds that you are a wonderful, sensitive person, who is now carrying a lot more than you should be.
It isn't easy when OCD strikes, in fact it is a right pig, which makes us doubt everything we say, everything we do, and affects the way we interact with others around us, I have this too. It is important to try not to take life too seriously, but to try and have fun, and no that isn't easy either...
I sure wish I knew what to say, but anyway, welcome, this is a safe place to be.
Wannabe

Tue Jan 10 2012 19:58:24 #
Pepper
Member

Hi Wings, welcome to the forum. Like Wannabe, I wish I knew what to say, I guess the important thing to know is that you're not alone, at the moment everytime I speak to someone and they sound a bit fed up I think I must have done something to upset, even to the point of attributing it to something I did ten years ago. It sounds like you've had quite a lot of upheaval in your life recently. Good luck with the CBT, I know its probably not much comfort right now but you've got through this before and maybe that knowledge can help you to feel stronger. This forum is a great place for advice and support.
Pepper

Tue Jan 10 2012 22:15:04 #
Wings
Member

Thank you so much wannabe and pepper, you both are wonderful, im so glad im here in this forum, it tires me out and zaps me of all my energy, some days im like a walking zombie.
its horrible thinking that if I was brave and a little more adventurous, and confident everything would be ok, but when I try to be, I think maybe ive been too much. I then become over polite and the ocd seems to feel more at ease, I imprison myself with politeness it doesnt want me to progress in life, for an example, an attractive woman walks by, I look and think wow shes beautiful, then I feel guilty, almost like ive been unfaithful,its ridiculous I know, its just simply crazy, but the ocd is a real bully.

Wed Jan 11 2012 19:43:27 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Wings, it certainly is a bully. I've struggled with it today, but I'm easing now. I agree with you how it tires us, I'm exhausted with it all, but I cannot give up, I have to plough on. I don't see you as being unfaithful, you're basically a free person to date who you want. It was your wife who left you, taking your son with her, not the other way around. So be free! Enjoy now with your new girlfriend, you have a right to move with the times... If You weren't getting on with your wife, it is not fair on anyone in a relationship like that, so moving on and getting on with your life is the right way to go I think. Time to follow your heart...
I like these forums too, it has been a lifesaver for me...
Wannabe

Wed Jan 11 2012 20:36:56 #
Wings
Member

Thank you wannabefree, Its true, the harsh reallity of this ocd is it preys on the good, as the bad have no concience. I suppose what a lot of this at the moment is lack of self belief, self esteem, not being able to believe that I am a good person and trusting an illness to confirm it, instead of my own heart, the OCD plays "what If" tricks, which then enables it to trick me into thinking the normally unbelievable. its awful to have to keep checking in a relationship before kissing or anything, that is it ok to kiss you, is it ok to hold you, tell me to stop, in a new relationship shes probly thinking what the hell have I got into here, I then feel pitiful, and get inwardly jelous about other guys, insecure, and it all starts again, well you know what, Im going to be confident from now, and do my best, and if it isnt good enough, then at least ive learnt from experiance. My Ex wife is an amazing woman though, constantly stays in contact and web cam with my son, shes as good as gold, shes a great mummy, and hes living a wonderful life, and im enjoying life too, but a % of it is taken up by ocd. im sorry wannabefree you had a bad day and really pleased to hear its better at mo, hang on in there, with me too, well all get through this crappy illness if its the last thing in life i achieve

Wed Jan 11 2012 22:28:43 #