OCD Action

Trinity
Member

Hi, I'm new to the forum so Hi! I've had OCD for 8 years now and it comes and goes with intensity. I've not long split up from my long term partner and am missing him very much so know I'm vulnerable to triggers at the moment, but my obsessions are kicking my ass right now and I'm getting lower and lower into depression as I cant handle it.

I have sexual pure O obsessions, its switched between fears of being a lesbian (or people thinking I am more to the point) and ( and the one that's freaking me out right now ) is fears of being a paedophile.

I have had so much therapy over the years but the reason why I cant get this out of my head is I have an answer for the 'what if I really am' and conclude with 'I must be'.

Over the years I have focused on the fact that I wasn't aroused by any intrusive thoughts or fears and so it helped me to understand it was just OCD, but as I've focused on it so much, now when ever i see a have an intrusive thought or even in states of sheer anxiety/distress, I feel aroused and discussed at the same time as to me this tells me I must be turned on by it.

Also I feel like when I am in that state of high anxiety, say when I'm around children and parents I've not meet before or lesbains, I feel I take on the mannerisms of a paedophile or a lesbian. I avoid looking at the children but it just makes it worse and it takes a while for my anxiety to drop down but when I'm with new people or their kids I don't feel safe to show any kind of strange behaviour, but then as I'm trying to hold it all it in, it makes it worse. Then my worst nightmare happens and people starts to look at me and notice I'm acting strange which makes it even worse still.

I feel I take on the mannerisms of a paedophile and people can see it, I've had on a number of occasions mean people, after noticing there's something wrong, trying to trick me and show my anxieties and fears for being a monster.

I feel like a freak and even tho I'm very distressed and low right now as I'm writing this I can also feeling a level of arousal - am I just a sick pedo after all?

I know I also feel I take on the mannerisms of a lesbian when in those fears and also become aroused as i focus on if I am or not but as being a paedophile is my worst nightmare, I cant shake this.

Can anyone help???????

Wed Apr 27 2011 22:46:07 #
forthaven
Member

hi,

very brave of you to post here. rest assured,we all are in the same horrid boat here, of intrusive thoughts and the way they influence you. its really hard.

i am not sure as i am not in your position but the sexual aspect of what you are experiencing could be just the result of the pressure that society puts on you. its not really that odd to be attracted to someone the same sex as you are, it happens all the time. because it causes you so much distress as well though, i would try talking to your GP as a first step. maybe this will help matters.

hope this helps. you are not alone.

J

Wed Apr 27 2011 23:13:41 #
Trinity
Member

I dont think it was brave, I posted as I needed help and advise and I'm really disappointed with the lack of response. I go through stages where my ocd is really bad and just need some insight to pull me back out again and this forum really didnt do that for me at all.

The lack of replies would leave me feeling like I was a freak and the advise given in this post is far from correct when dealing with ocd.

I had to go through some old books I've had to get the correct advise on how best to deal with this and I will list it below for those of you who can relate to my ocd nightmare:

Stop scanning the body for arousal, if you think about your foot for 5 minutes you will notice a sensation in it, hence if you keep scanning for arousal you will after a time start to feel just that.

Ocd gives you obsessions on what you care about the most( its like a school playgroud bully), the fact that your obsession is so painful to you means you wouldnt possibly harm those involved.

The more you resist your obsessions the more it will take you over and you will feel like you are becoming the very thing you are resisting when in the hightened state of your anxiety. What you resists - persists!

Remember this at all time:

R- 'Recognise' and 'rename' it as OCD
I- 'Ignore' it
D- 'Defy' it, do the opisit
E- 'Enjoy' being back in control of your life

Remember the RIDE and you will find some distance between you and your OCD.

Tue May 24 2011 0:06:00 #
sweeteater
Member

Hi Trinity
Sorry you don't feel as though you are getting enough responses, please don't take this personally though- isn't that part of OCD, feeling sensitive to responses from other people? I think we are all very sensitive people us OCDers!
I also think your particular form of OCD must be very distressing and causes great anxiety. I also think you were brave (please don't be angry!) simply because some of us (me included) find it soooooo hard to actually talk about the obsessions in detail as they can be frightening to outline. I appreciated your list of advice to remember. Are you having treatment now- you mentioned you had had therapy before, did you try medication and did it help in any way? You are right that by trying to resist the thoughts and obsessions they will come back stronger, and I wonder why our brain hangs onto those worrying thoughts more than other peoples'....At least you can see the problem as the OCD, and even though it is extremely distressing keep telling yourself that- it is just the OCD. You have the support of others here- we are all in the same boat

Tue May 24 2011 8:01:27 #
Tess
Member

Hi Trinity
I'm sorry you felt you didn't get sufficient help from this forum. I read your original post but didn't respond as my own OCD takes a different form to yours and I didn't feel I could offer anything useful. But I'm upset that you have said that the one response you did get was the wrong advice because the person who did respond to you has been very ill and despite this tried to offer you some support and when we have OCD it can be very upsetting to be singled out in this way and told we are wrong. Personally I cannot understand why you feel the reply was so unhelpful but I'm pleased you have found some advice which has helped you and that you have come back to the forum to share it.
There are several members of this forum who experience very similar problems to yours and if you use the search facility on the right hand side of the screen you can go back and read previous threads which you may also find helpful.

Tue May 24 2011 10:03:02 #
Ratwomble
Member

Trinity,

I'm sorry you didn't get the support that you were hoping for, and I'm sorry that I missed the post or I would have added some encouragement to you.

There are people who share your flavour of OCD here but they don't seem to be active at the moment.

Anyway, hope you can give us another chance.

Best wishes

David

Tue May 24 2011 11:58:18 #
aishah
Member

Hi Trinity,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with your OCD. I am a long time sufferer of intrusive thoughts, some of them of a sexual nature and do involve harming people, including children so I understand what you are going through.

I think many of us on the forum suffer from intrusive thoughts of some nature, it's part of OCD unfortunately. I have just started another set of CBT and am finding it helpful. The level of distress that the thoughts cause us, whatever their nature maybe, and the more we worry about them not being normal is what keeps them going.

I have been told to bring the thoughts on, which is anxiety provoking, but have been surprised how well I coped with that. It wasn't that many months ago that I was so frightened by my thoughts and needed help from the crisis team.

Maybe medication would help you and some more therapy. I know it doesn't solve the problem but it does help us to cope better in the long run.

Regards
Bridget

Tue May 24 2011 18:38:55 #
Trinity
Member

Forthaven: Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry for saying it wasnt correct advice in my post. I was a little upset as I was hoping for some insight from others going through the same nightmare as me but didnt get that. I hope you are well and thank you again, I can now read your intention as being a kind hearted one and I'm sorry I over looked that but was in a bad place.

Sun Jul 3 2011 21:59:22 #
Trinity
Member

Sweeteater: Thank you for getting in touch and for letting me know I have support here. I used to take medication but stopped about 18 months ago as I found it was just sticking a plaster over the problem and not dealing with it.

I'm currently going to group and one to one therapy and have been since sep last year, its helped me to look at things differently and I can start to feel the boat tipping so to speak but the main anxiety is still a burning pain each day. Its Gestalt therapy and the group has been really good for allowing me to be in the environment and express what happens for me as its a honest space that reflects how things are in the real world. I can express what happens as it happens with people that care and support my process, I reccomend it to everyone but can already hear the ocd fears kicking in from people!!

Remember this little tip too: FEAR = face everything and recover!

I hope your well

Sun Jul 3 2011 22:06:48 #
Trinity
Member

Tess: I understand what your saying and I was in a crapy place at the time and so my perception wasnt very positive about things in general. I have re-read the message and can see it was sent out of kindness and I have now thanked Forthaven for the reply..

Thank you also for your support, I hope you are well

Sun Jul 3 2011 22:11:07 #
Trinity
Member

Ratwomble: Hi and thank you for letting me know. If you do know of any members who suffer from the same kind of obsession as me please do let me know who they are so I can get in touch.

I hope you are well

Sun Jul 3 2011 22:13:25 #
Trinity
Member

Bridget: Hey, its good to hear that you also suffer the same obsessional thoughts as me and I would agree with that advise to bring the thoughts on. I was told in my CBT therapy to make the thoughts worse, make them bigger louder and just see what happens. I soon learnt I could cope too.

I've tried medication but I cant bring myself to do it as feel while i'm sticking a plaster over the problem I cant ever heal the problem...

I hope you are well and thank you for getting in touch.

Sun Jul 3 2011 22:17:30 #
Tess
Member

Hi Trinity
Good to hear from you again and especially that you have emerged from that crazy place you describe yourself as having been in. As for the members who share your type of obsession, I've noticed that as people start to improve they tend to spend less time on the forum, presumably because they are too busy doing other things and don't want constant reminders of the bad times and no longer need the same level of support. But if you use the forum search box you will easily find members who have similar problems to yourself and you can send anyone a private message, then it's up to them if they want to respond.

Mon Jul 4 2011 8:52:10 #
sweeteater
Member

Hi Trinity
Good to hear you on the forum again. I know what you mean about medication without therapy as it seems the two need to go together although others have different experiences. I also understand how desperate and awful OCD can make you feel so don't feel the need to apologise for that! I realised that OCD has made me a bad tempered person and I'm sad about that, but it's the desperation..the anger that comes with it.
Hope you feel you can share here again
take care
sweeteater

Mon Jul 4 2011 15:44:30 #

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