OCD Action

mattwords
Member

Yet again my sister is making mine and my mum's life a nightmare. We fell out just over a week ago as we were supposed to be doing something the day of the royal wedding but between sis being awkward and mum being a wimp wen it comes to sis we ended up doing nothing a day wasted. This led to heated arguments culminating in me telling sis a few home truths and her responding with her usual lies (she lies a lot, has since she was a kid, generally the family just ignores it and just don't believe wat she says until we have proof). This time she went too far accused me of abusing my daughter and then me and mum of having called social services on her. Total rubbish on both counts I can assure you. I blocked her off my phone and facebook. Prior to the falling out we had arranged and booked a joint party for her two boys and my girl. Tonight I get a call from mum saying that sis says her boys have found out that 2 other kids in their classes are having parties the same day and we'll have to rearrange. Given previous behaviour I pretty certain this is a lie and really she simply hasn't got the guts to be in the same room as me at mo. This means she is effectively trying to ruin my dd's party. I've told mum no way, we're not pandering to her any more. dd's party is going ahead. Mum always puts sis and dad ahead of me and dd as she seems to think we (dd and I) can cope and so she supports dad and sis more. a couple years ago I was having troubles with ex over dd not long after we moved near my family which is quite far from where he lives but he's in forces so could move at any time. I had to travel alone, severely stressed out, not knowing if i was gonna get my dd back. Mum could have come with me (one day there and back) but chose to stay citing my dad as reason. Dad is very sick but he can be left for a day and be ok. I just feel like we (dd and i) are always bottom of the list as far as immediate family are concerned. So sick of it and i don't think it helps the ocd either. So much stress. I've so had enough of this but don't know what to do about it. Mum won't stand up to Dad or Sis. If I need her to eg watch dd during a hol so I can attend dr/psychologist she will BUT if sis or dad need her for anything then she cancels me. Know that's quite a rant/vent but any ideas?

Mon May 9 2011 23:21:31 #
Tess
Member

Hi mattwords
I'm worn out just reading your post and I'm afraid I haven't got any ideas but I hope it has helped a bit to write it all down. My first reaction is to feel very sorry for your mum, she has a sick husband and two daughters who seem to be rivals for family affection instead of closest and best friends - and on top of all this there is OCD to contend with and I'm wondering if your sister has her own problems too. Your mum has so many demands on her and it must be difficult for her to prioritise and could it be that you end up at the bottom of the list because she feels you are the strongest?. I feel certain it will not be because she loves you any less than the others because a mother's love is unconditional.
I think it might help if you tried to look at the positives in all this. You have parents who love you and your mum is available to help with dd. You are a good mum yourself and you have dd, you didn't lose her. A dysfunctional family with internal disagreements is far preferable to no family.
No day is ever 'wasted', it is always 'spent' so learn from the royal wedding fiasco and try not to let it ruin the future as well. The priority is to make the children's party a happy, stress free occasion so all this feuding needs to be resolved first. Winning or losing the battle about when the party is to take place is not conducive to a happy atmosphere, there needs to be agreement on all sides and then everyone sticks to the arrangements. OCD hates compromise and it insists on being in control and I am wondering how big a part it is playing in all this.

Tue May 10 2011 9:03:50 #
sweeteater
Member

Hi mattwords
Family situations (in my experience) can be very complex and stressful. Families are the place where we want to find encouragement and safety and it's stressful when this doesn't happen. I've found this to some extent in my own family- and OCD is not always understood by those closest to us. The main thing is to cut down on your stress levels if you can, as arguments and feeling hurt and rejected fuel OCD, and that's one thing you don't need. Try to take a step back from this if you can and find some calm or the OCD will feel a lot worse

Wed May 11 2011 6:35:42 #
nettlenoo
Member

hello i have this in my family my sister and i havent spoken for over two years apart from a verbally fight we had last year and my parents think she is like gold they visit her home regularly but they dont come to visit me they have been a handful of times for say five mins max then say were off home i understand they feel torn between us but ive never expected them to take sides but to value that my opinion does count for something if only to me. i feel like im the little black sheep in the heard the less seen of me the better. its tough i understand that families arent east i know best of luck pm me if you want to chat rant let of steam take care xx

Wed May 11 2011 12:30:08 #
OC/DC
Member

In life, we have the family we are given…and we have the family we create from those around us.

Wed May 11 2011 13:10:11 #
OC/DC
Member

In life, we have the family we are given…and we have the family we create from those around us.

Wed May 11 2011 13:10:11 #
swan
Member

OC?DC totally agree cant choose our family can choose our friends, Mattwords I felt like you were talking about my sister, who never lets myself or my parents what she is doing for Christmas ct ect. I used to get cross but now Ive come to realise that my parents love her as much as they love me and the reason why the are prepared to put up with her changing arrangements is because she is her duaghter and they love her and want us to be together. However I do not cancel any arrangements I have made if she decides she is coming down because then she may change her mind and im beginning to make my own arrangements say for boxing day so that I dont feel controlled by my sister. Could you still have the party for you daughter with out your sisters children and do seperate partys. You may get very bad response the first time but gradually this changes.
All the best

Wed May 11 2011 16:30:27 #
mattwords
Member

The party went ahead without my nephews. Unfortunately people seeemed to be confused about whether the party was going ahead or not and so only 9 kids turned up! DD was a bit disappointed but still had fun and loved her presents and cake and with money she received she got herself a new phone which she is chuffed to bits with. I am cross with my sister and don't see why I should forgive her seeing as she hasn't even attempted an apology. During her adult years, esp since she had a breakdown herself 8 yrs ago but hasn't told anyone why, the family tiptoe on eggshells around her. I refuse to dance to her tune any longer.

Tue May 17 2011 11:47:06 #