OCD Action

slogsweep
Member

Morning everyone, hope you're well.

Last night I completely failed with not doing any of my checking compulsions. I had earlier in the day listened to some music that I used to like before it became "tainted" and would ruin my relationship because it was so uncool/geeky/had lyrics about break-ups. (Bizarre I know but that's OCD for you.) I thought I was doing well, I felt fine after, but later on I had a few spikes with intrusive thoughts and what I really hope are false memories.

I've had a restless night's sleep. My covers are everywhere, I was woken up a couple of times and both times I had small spikes before being so tired I simply drifted off again. This morning I woke up and had a horrible spike. It was like I was arm wrestling with my mind and I just couldn't win . Everything seems so real. Maybe I was too young to realise or too stupid or just plain monstrous. I'm just trying to hold it all together at the moment. I identified it as OCD but my doubting nature tells me it's wishful thinking . I'm so scared. Sorry guys,

Best wishes and thanks for reading,

Slog

Tue Dec 13 2011 8:55:06 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, you have morning difficulties too today... It's a real pain in the everywhere this OCD... My imagination makes everything so real... It sounds like you have a very powerful imagination too, something that should be a boon, but acts more like a curse in the case of OCD... It seems that this affects people who otherwise wouldn't harm a fly, and yet... And yet...
We need to try and let these feelings go, but it ain't easy... Life is so hard, and I get depressed with the news too, it is like nothing good is happening in the world, but there is good things happening... There must be or there's no point to everything... I feel like that a lot... To be honest, I've got it today... Let's see what the day brings... Slog, you've always been supportive to me, and not it my turn to support you too, despite the way I feel today... It sure is hell this OCD... Let's see what the day brings... I had a christmas card from someone I'd forgotten, and now I feel guilty, but it cannot be helped, we're human, and fallible, and as such, things can go wrong, but let's just see what the day brings...
wannabe

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:03:02 #
Truddles
Member

Last night I completely failed with not doing any of my checking compulsions.
No, that sentence should have read - 'Okay last night I was unable to do any of my checking compulsions but yesterday I managed to achieve. . . . .'
There's no such word as fail when it comes to our OCD recovery. If you think of yourself as a failure then you'll fall into a downward spiral and it will make dealing with the OCD that much harder. Every time that you find you're unable to do something instead of dwelling on that, think of all the OCD achievements that you've managed during the day.
With OCD we can become very negative assuming that we can't do things. But if you approach a task with a negative attitude then you won't succeed, we have to say to ourselves that we can do the task. And in the event that we don't completely achieve the outcome that we wanted we have to give ourselves credit for what we did achieve.
Try getting yourself a CD on relaxation as if you're overly anxious you won't find it as easy to kick the OCD into touch.

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:24:36 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you both, I'm still incredibly jumpy but not on the verge of tears or being sick anymore. I wish I did have a more positive attitude, but I've had on/off depression for five years, probably mostly caused by OCD tendencies. It's like I've forgotten what it is like to be truly content with myself. Until I feel that I can't change my negativity. I'm trying, honestly, I was on the verge of suicide in October, I wanted to end it all and thought long and hard about ways in which I could make it look accidental so my family wouldn't become victim to rumours and whispers. I no longer want to die, but I want to live without being scared.

Finding this community was a huge step. Now if I panic I come on here, write an article or read some others. I dread to think what I was like before I knew I had OCD. Yesterday I had another panic because an article in the Independent claimed a girl was "obsessed" with killing and was a severe danger to the public. Yes she was a very young murderess, and I know that people who are obsessively compulsive do not cause harm, but the use of the word "obsessed" really spooked me. Yet I have a counter-productive compulsion to check the news. Just checked the Guardian website, thinking it'd be smut free, and something's sparked me off on there.

It's like I'm tied up in knots and chains made of iron. I'm trying to break free but every positive step forward something knocks me back. I'm all alone at university with no family with the condition I can speak to face to face. I can go to councilling open sessions but these occur at very specific times, most of which I can't because I'm already way behind on my studies.

I think the fatigue from fighting OCD alone is causing the depression to return. If the depression comes back, my will to fight the OCD will disappear and I'm back to where I started. My mom and all of you are the only people in the world it seems who truly understand. I've got to get a job after this academic year, how am I going to cope with that. I've already not applied to become a teacher because of my OCD. I was so short on confidence I couldn't send the form off.

I'm realising that my problems run deep. Where did the anorexia come from when I was 17, why did the current obsessions start when I was 16 and why did I used to think as a nine-thirteen year old that if I didn't come home for lunch my mom would come to harm.

The enormity of the task is getting to me. I'm sorry for such a long post but I needed to spill. All of this with these (I hope to god they are) false memories in my head.

Sorry again, but thank you for getting back to me.

Slog

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:50:01 #
slogsweep
Member

*? Sorry about the lack of question marks, I'm a proper stickler for punctuation, drives me mad.

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:52:16 #
Citaloman
Member

Mate, all I can say is. I feel your pain, I feel like I'm living in between worlds. I feel thin both mentally and literally. You have seemed so much better when you spoke to your Uni health team. Last night I prayed even though I'm not sure who to. And yes both times this has happened I have wanted to end the pain but haven't as the people around me were strong for me, i always had at the back of my mind that everything will be ok.

I am not sure how the worries will dissapear but my mum says they do. Re read my thread where you have posted so many times. Your getting stronger as you are able to help me when I'm down and I can tell that your confidence is growing when I read your messages. I also can't enjoy music I liked as I feel I dont deserve to listen to it.

Remember what you told me, it's a long road to recovery. The doctor says that I will get better and you will too.

Tue Dec 13 2011 11:15:13 #
Citaloman
Member

Get that audio book..! Claire Weekes ITunes. Its really worth it.

Tue Dec 13 2011 11:25:11 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you, I really hope so. I'm feeling ok now but this morning was horrible. If it wasn't for OCD Action I still would be ruminating in bed.

I guess everything just got on top of me, leaving me open to the OCD.

I don't know, if only more people were aware, then there may be sensitive coverage of what is a horrible, horrible disorder as we all know.

Best wishes and thank you for your messages, I'm not in the best of states to write much meaningful but trust me they mean a lot,

Slog

Tue Dec 13 2011 12:16:36 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, Hi Citaloman, me too... It has been a bad morning for me and we're all down together... We will lift out, we have to... We will... I know that when I go out this evening, I WILL cope with it, cos I've done similar before... It is a concert I'm going to, which a relative is taking part in... There's lots of things happening like this at this time of year, and I want to offer support, but of course it is difficult... The news this week has been very down, what with deaths and suchlike, which doesn't help us when we are trying to distract from our problems... I'll post later and let you know how it goes...
wannabe

Tue Dec 13 2011 13:13:46 #
Twitchy
Member

How you feeling slogsweep,your day sounds like it's been a tough one. Don't let OCD stop you from applying to become a teacher. Somehow (don't know how) i managed to pass my degree and get the job i trained for with my OCD. Although i find my job causes me more OCD, i'm determined not to let it ruin my dream job as well.By the way you sound like you'd be a great teacher if you're a stickler for punctuation!I was crap with my checking today too, had to go back and check my handbrake in front of a friend, i was so embarrased.

Tue Dec 13 2011 18:15:12 #
Twitchy
Member

How you feeling slogsweep,your day sounds like it's been a tough one. Don't let OCD stop you from applying to become a teacher. Somehow (don't know how) i managed to pass my degree and get the job i trained for with my OCD. Although i find my job causes me more OCD, i'm determined not to let it ruin my dream job as well.By the way you sound like you'd be a great teacher if you're a stickler for punctuation!I was crap with my checking today too, had to go back and check my handbrake in front of a friend, i was so embarrased.

Tue Dec 13 2011 18:16:56 #
slogsweep
Member

Just a quick thank you to you all before I fall asleep. Today was bearable thanks to your messages, I'll write much more in the morning.

Goodnight all,

Slog

Tue Dec 13 2011 23:39:06 #
wannabefree
Member

How's it going today, Slog? Has it been any easier?
wannabe

Wed Dec 14 2011 22:09:10 #
slogsweep
Member

Hello, thank you for asking. Today has been lovely. I had a wobble earlier while I was on my own but am fine now. Went out for a meal and have enjoyed myself. Had a lovely chat with a friend who sort of made me realise that my worrying is excessive and what I worry about is far removed from my character.

I'm worrying about some cheques clearing at the bank, I thought it'd be instant but I'm still waiting. Other than that I'm fairly calm and happy. Home for Christmas in a couple of days, will be lovely to be free of worry for a few days at least.

Also today I handed in an essay. I filled the forms that you have to attach beforehand and did them extremely carefully, but I only allowed myself three check-throughs of my work before posting it into the submission box. I just about managed this! It took me only 15 mins to hand my work in. Considering even in low-OCD periods it takes me up to half an hour and up to an hour if my OCD is playing up I think I made a breakthrough there .

I hope you're feeling better. Just realised that today has been so nice I've forgotten my tablets. Just telling myself to be vigilant tomorrow morning and remember, it's just the OCD.

How are you getting on? Still morning troubles?

Best wishes,

Slog

Wed Dec 14 2011 23:28:38 #
Tess
Member

Hi Slog
Congratulations on the essay victory - not a good idea to forget the meds though, you need to develop a routine of taking them so as not to forget - this is one aspect when rituals can be helpful.

Thu Dec 15 2011 10:18:38 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks Tess, normally I take them straight after a shower, but I had a vile shower with the water running hot and cold so I was so miffed I went out of routine.

Hope your flu is clearing up

Slog

Thu Dec 15 2011 17:25:45 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, yes, still having morning troubles, but the panic is dying down now... I got up late after staying in bed relaxing... I'm really tired, yet oversleeping... This could be my meds, but I don't know... Same as Tess says, well done on getting the essay in... Our shower is broke at the moment, so I have to have a bath instead, it is more time consuming for me, I'd much prefer a shower, but They are an absolute pig when the temperature is going to extremes...
wannabe

Thu Dec 15 2011 17:40:21 #