OCD Action

sweeteater
Member

Since being housebound because of the OCD I've thought over quite a lot of stuff that may have brought me to that point- well you would, wouldn't you when an illness has brought you to that? Sometimes I think it's possible to analyse too much, be too sensitive about things that have happened, and that leads me to wonder what fuels the OCD.... trauma kicked mine off certainly, although having a predisposition to it (genetics, personality type)made it almost inevitable. But it's hard to stop feeling guilty about mistakes- the times I may have hurt someone else, letting myself down, oh loads of things that happen from years past.. all adding up to a sort of sense of failure that is fuelling the OCD. Are our expectations for ourselves as OCDers too high? It seems hard for OCD sufferers to let go of these things and maybe that's why we worry we might have 'done' the thing we dread? We want certainty..
I wonder what other people think fuels their OCD?

Sun Apr 17 2011 9:17:19 #
blueboy
Member

hi sweeteater,
guilt certainly fuels mine..
i tend to feel a lot of guilt and then i become disabled just ruminating over "what if"... and deep down i know "what can't be cured, must be endured"...but my brain still dwells on the things i should have done ... so the cycle continues.. for some reason i keep puuting stuff off until tomorrow and then i say tomorrow..when tomorrow comes.... and ofcourse it never comes and by the time i have courage to do something ..which should have been done, it's much worse...then guilt sets in.. and so it continues..i feel terrible about this in me... but i get so anxious about facing things that my whole system shuts down and i just sit.. full of nerves... can you relate to this?PAUL

Sun Apr 17 2011 17:42:18 #
sweeteater
Member

yes I can relate to it;; I think guilt and anxiety are crippling, but it sems that hypersensitivity to things goes hand in hand with OCD, which is why we can't let go of things. We're too hard on ourselves. The trouble with putting things off ( I know because I've done it for years) is that life doesn't stand still. It's the anxiety that can be so oerwhelming- I'm thinking of going onto sertraline to cope with the anxiety-

Mon Apr 18 2011 7:55:55 #
blueboy
Member

sertraline is what i have in the house now... but scared to take.

Mon Apr 18 2011 10:20:44 #
nettlenoo
Member

sweeteater hello what youve written it could be me, i feel like im a failure and also have been i feel i wasnt as much apart of my family as id like to have been, black sheep and all that jazz. i feel guilt that i dont work and my partner keeps me as it were. i struggle to go out alone so i just dont i wait for him to be with me or a friend but i do not go out on my own. when im really low i lack a sense of purpose and feel useless. i too analyse things ive said or done in the past could it have hurt that person. like this one is my regular a few years back i was on face book and an old school friend and i were chatting and she had lost alot of weight and i said well done whats the secret and she replied no big secret just eating less and exercise. i took this too mean i offended her plus she never emailed again and now i think about that alot, did i hurt and upset her did i offend her and not apologise. etc it does my head in. im so sensitive and i can take throw away comments very hard, i was at my friends once and she said come clubbing one night i was like no thanks crowded places arent my thing, she started saying i should go out more without my partner and that we lived in each others pockets and that it was no wonder i had little friends as i dont make the effort, she dosent know i struggle to go out and my partner is the one i trust to be safe with when im out, i felt humiliated by what was said and didnt talk to her for weeks then when i did buck up the courage she said she didnt mean anything by it but needless to say weve not really been friends since. i had another so called friend who said one time i wasnt the person she'd trust to look after her kids but she have no issues letting me pet sit. i didnt say anything too her at the time but when we left i burst into tears and i told her a little while later that she hurt me by what she said and weve not really been friends since. with this ocd or what ever it is i cannot seem to pick myself back up when people make these comments that may well mean nothing at all but they cut me like a knife. i feel lonely some times but then i think id rather that then friends who judge me or do not trust me. i have big barriers up now and i keep everyone expect my partner at arms length i know its not right but each time i feel like ive been hurt its harder to pick myself up again. im rambling on now sorry to send a massive reply. but i really understand what you are saying it makes sense to me. i hope you are doing well

Mon Apr 18 2011 20:45:22 #
nettlenoo
Member

sweeteater hello what youve written it could be me, i feel like im a failure and also have been i feel i wasnt as much apart of my family as id like to have been, black sheep and all that jazz. i feel guilt that i dont work and my partner keeps me as it were. i struggle to go out alone so i just dont i wait for him to be with me or a friend but i do not go out on my own. when im really low i lack a sense of purpose and feel useless. i too analyse things ive said or done in the past could it have hurt that person. like this one is my regular a few years back i was on face book and an old school friend and i were chatting and she had lost alot of weight and i said well done whats the secret and she replied no big secret just eating less and exercise. i took this too mean i offended her plus she never emailed again and now i think about that alot, did i hurt and upset her did i offend her and not apologise. etc it does my head in. im so sensitive and i can take throw away comments very hard, i was at my friends once and she said come clubbing one night i was like no thanks crowded places arent my thing, she started saying i should go out more without my partner and that we lived in each others pockets and that it was no wonder i had little friends as i dont make the effort, she dosent know i struggle to go out and my partner is the one i trust to be safe with when im out, i felt humiliated by what was said and didnt talk to her for weeks then when i did buck up the courage she said she didnt mean anything by it but needless to say weve not really been friends since. i had another so called friend who said one time i wasnt the person she'd trust to look after her kids but she have no issues letting me pet sit. i didnt say anything too her at the time but when we left i burst into tears and i told her a little while later that she hurt me by what she said and weve not really been friends since. with this ocd or what ever it is i cannot seem to pick myself back up when people make these comments that may well mean nothing at all but they cut me like a knife. i feel lonely some times but then i think id rather that then friends who judge me or do not trust me. i have big barriers up now and i keep everyone expect my partner at arms length i know its not right but each time i feel like ive been hurt its harder to pick myself up again. im rambling on now sorry to send a massive reply. but i really understand what you are saying it makes sense to me. i hope you are doing well

Mon Apr 18 2011 20:45:53 #
sweeteater
Member

Hi Nettlenoo
Don't worry about writing a big reply, sometimes it's good to get these things out, say how we really feel and on this forum you can do that. I know I've written things on here that I've never told anyone else and I understand exactly what you mean about thinking friends or other people are judging us. Like I said, OCDers are highly sensitive people. We care topo much what other people think of us. I don't know about you, but with me it goes back to school (secondary) which was an all girls school, sometimes with the usual catty groups of girls. Looking back there was nothing that happened to me that was any different to the usual girls ganging up, being spiteful, there was no bullying; but I was too sensitive and should have ignored it, and that's how it's always been- not being able to ignore the usual rough and tumble of life. is that how you feel? That you worry if you've upset someone or said the wrong thing? Nettlenoo, as I've got older, I've learnt not to worry as much; learnt to try and value myself a little more. With OCD it's very hard to do that because our lives are handicapped by this illness and it takes our confidence away. Have you had any therapy for your OCD?

Tue Apr 19 2011 7:06:16 #
sweeteater
Member

I wonder Blueboy why you don't want to take the sertraline? I'm deciding at the moment, but even though I don't like medication I will take it if it will help, because what's worse? Living with the OCD or feeling better?

Tue Apr 19 2011 7:09:29 #
nettlenoo
Member

hello again, i had one session of cbt and was told i didnt need it again. my new doctor then put me forward for councilling but when the questionaire came i stuffed it away and never filled it in. i didnt want to make what was happening real if that makes any sense? i went to an all girls school but was pretty much friends with everyone and had bags of confidence. it was until two years ago when i damaged my knee and couldnt carry on my support worker job and had to give it up then my grand mother passed away and it was so much in the space of 4 months and it hit me hard. ive had germ issues for a very long time and i also was convinced i had hiv until my partner said lets get tested to settle your nerves. and i dont have it but you know what when i got my results i was like thier not mine theyve mixed them up. darn mind of mine. im a hand washer and i dont like dirty things, toilets are another thing i will not sit on anyone else toilet other than my own. and i can remember being five years old and shaking and crying at night scared stiff my parents were going to die and id have no one so i suppose ive had it all my life but only now is it so debilitating that im unable to function fully. i cannot go out on my own i cannot even now imagine having a job because i too scared to leave the house on my own. im also afraid people judge me which again adds to it all. my partner is great and dosent force anything on me he would love for me to have a job as some months are really tough and we have no money so i also feel eaten up with guilt about that. its such a vivious circle im damn if i do and damned if i dont. i see how i can break this getting councilling getting a job getting on with life but some thing in my head stops me and i try and get past it like ive started going swimming once a week and walking places and yes the thoughts are better but the going out alone hasnt changed. i see a friend of mine once a week we go out for coffee because im not alone but i dont like to stay out long and im eager to get home. its my safety and my prison. how do you cope?

Tue Apr 19 2011 10:45:55 #
sweeteater
Member

Hi Nettlenoo
When I first stopped going out I was relieved in some ways because I had fought OCD for so long and was exhausted (a little how you sound now actually), then after a few months I began to feel anxious to go out, but was offered very little help, the waiting list for CBT I was told, was too long. My doctor told me fluoxetine would sort it out- it didn't. I never accepted that I would be housebound for ever, and that's what's kept me going really. After 2 years I decided to contact the advocate, Jude, here on OCDaction, and she gave me some really good advice about treatment.I realised that I couldn't get better on my own and needed either a stronger medication or CBT. I'm surprised that your therapist told you that 1 session of CBT was enough because it sounds to me as though you really need some help with this. Depression can set in when you don't go out regularly and it started to happen with me, which would have been an added problem to deal with. I'm glad you can get out from time to time, even with a friend. The main thing is to keep going out, and there's nothing wrong with needing to have someone with you as long as you go out.Please don't feel you're on your own with this as having problems going out can affect some people with OCD- we'e not alone in that. Have you spoken to your GP about this? If you don't feel you are getting enough help, why not speak to the advocate here about what treatment is best for you? It looks to me as though you are really struggling with all this and need some help.
I finally mangaed to get some CBT sorted out through my local surgery as I knew couldn't cope with it alone anymore
Hope this helps
take care
Sweeteater

Wed Apr 20 2011 7:37:00 #
nettlenoo
Member

hello again sweeteater ive spoken to my gp about cbt and she thinks im maybe not as severe as they need for me to qualify for sessions. charming but i may ask for councilling again. i just need that little bit of courage to get there

Wed Apr 20 2011 22:00:33 #
sweeteater
Member

If your life is impaired to the point where you find it hard to go out on your own, feeling that home has become a prison, and upset by feelings of guilt, then I would say that's fairly serious! In my experience these things don't just go away or get better on their own. I struggled with OCD for 35 years pretending to myself I could cope or it wasn't that bad, before I had to see the GP. You have to decide what's best for you- don't be put off if you need help, Nettlenoo.

Thu Apr 21 2011 6:42:05 #