I always seek constant reassurance. I ask people the same questions over and over some times, just to hear the same answer, and reassure myself. I already know the answer but seek to hear it over and over again.
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I had that intermittently, in low intensity. But it is very vexing. With me, it was to make sure that I hadn't insulted anyone unwittingly; or to ascertain that that person knew that we had an appointment.
Tue Feb 2 2010 8:11:33 # -
UnregisteredHi Rena
Seeking reassurace really makes the OCd worse as it takes away our trust in our own judgement. In the end we simply have to live with the doubt. It can be done - I am making really good progress with this now. It took twelve hours on saturday which was vile. But as a whole it take two to three hours and hopefully die away altogether.
The other thing is that reassurance seeking damages relationships. This almost ended my marriage twenty years ago because it made my husband so angry.
Anne
Tue Feb 2 2010 8:48:40 # -
I used to seek reassurance all the time. I now realise it was a total lack of self confidence and that I never received any encouragement
I now no longer ask people (well very rarely) 'Have I done such and such?' I now state to them 'I have done such and such!' And gradually I am not even doing that
I have now have people on the forum with whom I can share my achievements, however small. Childish as it may seem, the encouragement I have received from you all helps to give me the confidence to try to take the next small step. Some times I've told people on the forum about some thing I had done that I thought was insignificant. But when they said 'well done', it made me re-evaluate it and realise that any step I take however small is a step in the right direction. It takes me nearer to the goal of taking control of the OCD rather than the other way round.
Perhaps the Professionals should take note - that with OCD encouragement is a far superior tool for recovery than criticism. Our confidence and self esteem needs building not knocking.
So talk to people and let them know that you need encouragement in order to stop asking for reassurance.
A little bit of encouragement goes a long way to help us gain control and to learn to trust ourselves.
Trudy
Tue Feb 2 2010 11:29:36 # -
Trudy is right. Moralizing and prodding are absolutely counterproductive. Symptoms get graver again. Only kind words help.
Tue Feb 2 2010 11:53:50 # -
i always ask my partner have i cooked that nice does it taste ok and when he says no im offended lol i ask if i look ok too when we are going out? im not sure if this relates to ocd or not. another thing i do is seek reasurrence that he loves me and wants to be with me silly really but when you cant see whats good about yourself you question what others see
Tue Feb 2 2010 12:39:26 # -
UnregisteredHi Netti
My grandmother used to say however nice she tried to look when she asked Grandad if she looked nice he always said "you'll do". She knew that was the best complimenmt she was going to get and so she was always pleased when he said it. I'm going back on my hobby horse of self-esteem, you know whether the meal is nice or not and if he didn't want to be with you you would soon know - the problem is that your OCD has taken away your self esteem and made you question everything. Then if you seek reassurance and get a negative answer you get hurt - but the chances are that you get the negative answer because he gets fed up with being asked. Self esteem involves putting on something you like and feel comfortable wearing and accepting your own judgement - and dishing up a disaster and having a good laugh. You are trying too hard, just be yourself and try to believe that you are worth loving. Life with OCD gets so much easier if you can learn self confidence and self esteem and not constantly look critically at youself.Tue Feb 2 2010 13:14:55 # -
Rena,
I went through a phase of asking my wife about her past relationships. I was looking for ever more detail and revisiting previous questions to see If I had heard it right, or to seek further reassurance. I stopped because I could see it was a downward anxiety spiral of obsession/compulsion and also because my wife was getting more and more annoyed with the questions. Of course the more I sought reassurance the more I was feeding the OCD, or the more I was training my brain that these must be real danger situations because I was immediately reacting to them.
Tue Feb 2 2010 15:03:26 # -
Hi Rena,
When OCD is playing up like at the moment, I seek reassurance too. I ask freinds if they think I'm alright, I go to the G.P. a lot when I am like this as well. I don't seem to be able to trust myself with my thoughts or don't like being on my own despite having lots of CBT.Take Care
BridgetTue Feb 2 2010 16:05:57 # -
sometimes people with ocd can do similar things to people without ocd ie does my bum look big in this but in the case of someone with ocd so we shouldnt automatically assume its about low self esteem but the disability itself and the way the brain functions. I had a cpn who told me that all my issues were to do with low self esteem, that i didn't need suppport ect. So my hobby horse is the opposite dont just tell people something is low self esteem it makes people feel that they are making a fuss. im beginning to want to join some of the others on the forum and take time out. ocd is complex just because one form of treatment has worked for you doesnt mean it will work for others.
Tue Feb 2 2010 19:59:08 # -
I agree with you don't just say it's low self esteem. It's the OCD that causes the low self esteem. But although the problems are caused by OCD, it is ultimately the low self esteem, all be it because of the OCD, that holds us back. But telling us it is only low self esteem does nothing to help an already low self esteem.
OCD is extremely complex and so the professionals should dig deeper to find out what treatment will work for each individual.
I'm so pleased to see you on the forum again.
Trudy
Tue Feb 2 2010 20:37:45 # -
UnregisteredOh I ask the same question over and over again to the same person constantly. I am 99.99% sure I know the answer, but I have excessive doubt I didn't hear it correctly or I missed something. Is that anything similar to you Rena?
Tue Feb 2 2010 21:13:31 # -
Wow, you all really helped me by all your great inputs, I now have more insight into why I seek constant reassurance. Thanks. And yes NikiAnn, your answer is very similiar to how I fee.. I always ask over and over, because my OCD tells me, that I must of heard something wrong the first time, or I missed some important detail. OCD really does make doubt come about in so many aspects.
Wed Feb 3 2010 4:21:11 # -
Wow, what a coincidence, I do the exact same thing. I guess it reassures us to hear the same answer from different people and yes, it is so frustrating and time consuming. It is like we don't trust our own judgement. OCD makes us have little faith in our selves. I hope that we can over come this.
Wed Feb 10 2010 4:04:10 # -
Perhaps it's that in OCD, a part of cognition is impaired. Compare seeking reassurance to endless checking: essentially it is the same. In both it may last a very long time before a certain piece of information has 'clicked' with us, or has dropped like a coin in a coffee machine. Many times over we hear something, or see something, but that is just not enough. Yes, we may see that the faucet is off, or we may hear that we did the right thing yesterday. But it just does not really 'register' with us. That is embarrassing and highly irritating. Moreover, it's like after a certain amount of time, even information that did register loses its impact, and we have to ask, or check again. Against positive reinforcement from others ('yes, love, you did close the car doors') we construct our own doubts in extreme fashion, they're sometimes called 'not just right experiences' (NJREs). We have the uncanny ability to deny positive information, by first doubting it, and then even cast it aside as 'false' positive information ('oh, although I heard differently, I still think I left the car doors open').
Well, from my own experience, I know that this is one of the features of OCD that makes relaxed contact with others often very difficult.
Stupid disorder...
Wed Feb 10 2010 18:50:49 # -
Aside from the fact that most of the time there's no one to ask, when I am around people I am now making a concerted effort to not ask for reassurance and am doing quite well. One of my Consultants even commented recently that I no longer ask him when I leave the consulting room if I've left anything behind! Praise indeed
What I didn't tell him was that I was still desperate to ask if I'd left anything behind and that my anxiety levels were through the roof, but I resisted and didn't ask. It means that I don't feel such an idiot.
Thu Feb 11 2010 22:32:17 #
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