OCD Action

wonderingocd
Member

Hi, I am new here. I would like to know if anyone can give me some advice. I have been unable to get a dignosis for what I thought was depression and anxiety for years. The drs think I am going on about nothing, im sure, I go back time after time, asking for help. As I write this I do not know what I am suffering from all I know is that my thoughts drive me mad. Constant thoughts about me being ill, I check my body for signs of illness mostly cancer, which terrifies me. I have a 16 month old son, and I worry that he has something wrong with him too, and I also worry that if I think about it too much it will happen, but I cant stop the thoughts.

As I said my son was born Jan 09, but I had a baby in 2006, who was born premature (nearly 26 weeks)and died at 12 days old, I was obsessed with my last pregnancy and my relationship with their dad broke up when i was 7 months pregnant with my son. I also have a 12 year old daughter, who I raised by myself really since birth. The realtionship with my ex was a diffacalt one, and I found it very hard to think straight about what I wanted. I really obsessed and couldnt get to a conclusion, cos my brain was and still is so fuzzy.

When i had my son, things in my head got so bad, at first i thought it could be postnatal depression, but somehow i feel that would be differant. My worse things are the thoughts that pop in my head. I think why why am i thinking this, and i feel so bad, i love my son so much, why. I have these feelings that i will fall down the stairs with him, I re lived the fall so many times in my head, over and over again. I check him all the time when hes sleeping to check hes still breathing. I do not know if this is me being overprotective because of my other baby dying.

I also worry terrible about something bad happening to my daughter, especially when she is out with her friends.

I also check for my purse over and over again, I am obsessed with losing things. I do not think I have an unusual washing routine, I shower twice a day, but do not think that is abnormal. I am still sterilising my sons bottles though. so i do have some contamination fears, but they are not big ones. I do like to have order in the house, although struggle to get the perfect home i desire, although i try but i can never get it quite right. I check the doors and windows loads before bed, sometimes getting into bed, and getting up again, to check again.

I have a part time job, and have managed to keep everything going on my own, all the bills get paid on time and i am proud of that.

Just wondering if anyone can offer me any advice, im really unsure if there is anything wrong with me at all, i just dont know, and sorry for going on and on.

Fri Jun 4 2010 21:24:20 #
Truddles
Member

Hi wonderingocd,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you've read any of the other threads on the forum you will see that you're not alone.

Have you not just been to your GP but been referred for an assessment to determine as to whether it's OCD that you have? I'm no expert but from what you say in your post it does sound like OCD.

There's a very handy factsheet at http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/files/2010/03/GP-Card-v04.pdf which is designed for people to show their GP on their first visit if they need to explain about OCD. It might be useful to download it to take with you to your GP.

You should be proud of the fact that despite all that you're going through you're managing to bring up two children, hold down a part time job and pay all the bills on time

Please keep posting on the forum, we're a friendly bunch and try to support each other. We even have a laugh from time to time.

Best wishes
Trudy

Fri Jun 4 2010 21:45:08 #
wonderingocd
Member

Thank you for your reply, I have been to the doctors about my problems on about 4 seperate occasions but they just dismiss my problems and offer anti depressants. I try to explain that there is more to it, i even listed everything once. Is there anyway of controlling the symptoms on your own?. The drs always say that they are anxiety or depression, she also refered me for couselling, which i went to, it may have helped to put things in perspective, but ocd was still there. I do believe i had depression when my son died, and the combination of my realtionship with a depressive, childlike and very confused man, and my baby dying has made the ocd worse. I do believe that I had it as a child because i can remember being a teen and having what I called 'superstitions' Having to get out the room, before the music stopped and not standing in the cracks in the pavements etc. I thought this was normal. I also believe that my mum has it too, although i have never discussed it with her, things she has said to me make me feel that.

Sometimes i feel like my head will explode, i just want peace in my head do you all feel like that, i feel so exhausted all the time.

I want to be a normal person, can anyone give me any tips on controlling this yourself. Does it sound like i do have ocd.

Sat Jun 5 2010 7:40:13 #
poppyfields
Member

Hi there wonderingocd. Constant niggling thoughts that seem overpowering and you just can't dismiss certainly sounds like ocd but you do need a referrel to get a proper diagnosis. Can you get an appointment with a different doctor? some surgeries now offer any doctor on the team. Not all doctors are as up to speed with ocd as others, that's just the way it is i'm afraid. My daughter has it too and when she tried to explain herself to her cpn she was just told to stop 'doing it' like it's that easy - if it was, none of us would have it grrrrrrr. You do need a diagnosis and if your own doctor isn't helping, then try another or change doctors. Be assertive and take control - not easy but very empowering and it's the only way to get the proper help. By the way, yes the thoughts drive you mad and leave you feeling exhausted because you know they're unreasonable and so you argue with yourself all the time so not a lot of peace and also yes we all want to be 'normal' Pops

Sat Jun 5 2010 9:28:07 #
Truddles
Member

Hi wonderingocd,

First you are a normal person, just a normal person that appears to have OCD. It does sound like OCD but you do need to be diagnosed by a professional.

Down load the GP card and take it with you to your GP and once again take the list of all your problems (just don't mention your mother's superstitions as it'll further confuse him). It's not easy with OCD but you need to be assertive and ask for referral for an assessment for diagnosis to confirm that it is OCD.

The treatment of choice at the moment is CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) some people also benefit from SSRIs a type of antidepressant that helps with OCD.

In the meantime try reading the following book - Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by David Veale and Rob Willson. It will give you more of an insight into what OCD is and what CBT entails. And will at least start you on the road to conquering the bully that is OCD

OCD is exhausting as it consumes so much of our time and the more we give it the more it wants.

Sat Jun 5 2010 9:36:22 #
Rena32
Member

Hi wonderingocd, It does sound like you have OCD, as many of your symptoms describe my own, I often wondered for years if my thoughts were normal and that maybe everyone had those thoughts. OCD was not talked about or recognized when I was young, so it is hard to know something is wrong when you don't know what OCD is, I hope that you can find a good doctor who will listen to you, and make the correct diagnosis. I wish you all the best and hopefully knowing what the condition is about will bring more understanding to you, keep us posted.

Sat Jun 5 2010 13:34:04 #
wonderingocd
Member

Thank you so much for all your comments, I will be buying a copy of the book asap. I have always known that I think differantly to other people, but thought I was odd. It would be good in a strange way to actually get a diagnosis, after all the years of suffering in silence and trying to act and behave normally in front of others. Just one more question, is paranoia sometimes part of the problem too, cos ive always been anxious of other people thinking that i am differant. Many thanks again I really appreciate all your help :D.

Sat Jun 5 2010 15:33:49 #
wonderingocd
Member

Just ordered the book online. many thanks again.

Sat Jun 5 2010 15:50:48 #
Rena32
Member

Hi wonderingocd, I have paranoia with my OCD, It is very common. OCD tricks our minds into thinking the worst. It also makes us doubt ourselves. I hope the book you ordered helps. I have read several books about OCD and find them very helpful.

Sun Jun 6 2010 6:19:03 #
wonderingocd
Member

Thanks for your reply, yes OCD does trick your mind. I am pretty sure that I do have OCD, and this is the problem I have been suffering with for a long time now. Its been really bad since I entered the troubled time of my time, since 2004. I hope that my life is going to be better now, since ive broken free from a man who made me feel so useless, and played so many mindgames with me. Although I am bringing up a 12 year old and a 16 month old, I am glad that I have them to focus on, so I do hope the OCD will improve for me, if my stresses go down, I hope so will my OCD.

Sun Jun 6 2010 7:17:02 #
Ellie
Member

Hi wonderingocd...I experience many of the same fears/anxieties/paranoia that you mentioned in your posts...The checking the front door one is just like mine,I´d check it,get into bed then have to get up and check it again,and again and perhaps again...this doesn´t cause me much anxiety,it´s annoying more than anything else.
My main cause of anxiety are the intrusive thoughts,like you picturing yourself falling down the stairs I have similar ones and they just go round and round in my head nearly making me feel physically sick.
Thank you for mentioning the paranoia thing..I feel exactly the same,like my neighbours sometimes look at me and think that i´m different,it´s reassuring to know that there are others who feel the same.
You sound like a strong,able mother who loves her children very much,hope you find solace in the fact that you are not alone in your feelings.
Best of luck. xx

Tue Jun 8 2010 20:13:24 #
wonderingocd
Member

Thank you Ellie, its so hard isnt it. Some days my intrusive thoughts just feel like they are taking me over. I feel like im evil, because I find it hard to work out why these things pop in my head. I also had a problem with keeping scissors in the bedroom draw (for nail cutting by the way). When I first had my baby, I was so scared in case I did something to me or him. I sometimes get similar feelings when im ironing. I hate it. It makes me feel so sick, so ashamed. I know I would never do anything bad, in my heart I know that. I have questioned myself so many times, I thought it was because I was deep down so angry because my other son born 4 years ago died when he was born premature and died at 12 days. I have been trying to make sense of it for so long, and I know that it got tons worse when I had my son, just when I was supposed to be my happiest time, so that makes me sad. When I am stressed my thoughts get alot worse. Im just hoping I get better, its so hard to go to a doctor, and tell them all of it.....

Thank you so much for responding, its so nice to know that others share my problems, so I dont feel so alone. xxxxx

Wed Jun 9 2010 11:51:53 #
Ellie
Member

Hi there! I have the exact same thoughts about the nail scissors and the iron-but you know you have to do the ironing and we have to cut our nails so the longer you keep using the iron and scissors the more the thoughts should ease...in other words avoiding them will make the thoughts worse.

I know exactly how you feel....you feel bad/evil but deep down you know you are a good person.(I won´t even stand on an ant )
I have tried relaxation techniques,depp breathing,yoga,visualising yourself on a deserted beach that kind of thing and it does work,it´s just finding the time for these things,isn´t it. Have also cut back on caffeine and booze as the hangovers made my OCD worse. Get plenty of fresh air,it really does clear your head and keep in touch with friends/family...whenI´m surrounded by people it clears my head.
Don´t be embarressed about going to a GP..he has probably seen many OCD suffers come into his surgery. I live in a non- english speaking country so getting help is not so easy for me so I am going down the self help route. The experts say that CBT (Cognitive behavioural Therapy) is really the best course of action in beating this awful illness,but until you feel like you can go to the GP try some relaxation. (OCD hates relaxation)
P.S I´ve had OCD since childhood however mine got worse since the pregnancy of my 2nd child 4 years ago....I know how you feel about it supposed to be a happy time,I felt the same..
Hope this mail finds you well,remember you are not alone,stay strong xxxxx

Wed Jun 9 2010 15:06:28 #
wonderingocd
Member

A very BIG thank you, you have made me feel not so alone. I do not tell anyone about my thoughts, im too scared. I have been searching for years about my illness, and I am sure that I have found my answer, I am pretty sure that I do have OCD, in a strange way that bings me some relief. I have also had it since childhood, but 100% worse since my baby died in 2006. I will try the relaxation and meditation, I do agree two when I am aound people it makes me feel better. When im bored it gets me really bad. I am really grateful for your advice. Thank you again. xxxxx

Wed Jun 9 2010 21:15:38 #
Truddles
Member

I am pretty sure that I do have OCD, in a strange way that bings me some relief.

It's always easier to fight something when you know what it is that you are fighting. It's a relief when all our symptoms are finally given a name isn't it?

Wed Jun 9 2010 21:30:08 #
Monkey25
Member

Hiya, just want to say that everything you have said Ellie and wonderingocd, is everything that i think, its such a mental, debliating disease, and I find so much relief coming on here and speaking because selected friends and family do not want to listen, do not understand or don't believe that it exists, like my partner for instance, can't believe that somebody would be like this as its not logical, you have to go through it to know what its really about. I just want to show him the website and say here!!! Look. Sorry guys, if I have been going on Monkey

Wed Jun 16 2010 22:16:22 #
Truddles
Member

It's not easy coping with OCD when you don't have the support or understanding of family and friends.

OCD isn't logical. If it was it would be easy for us to get rid of it. But OCD certainly does exist, despite what some might say.

But just ask yourself - of the people that either don't understand or don't believe you, how long would any of them last if they had OCD? I doubt if they'd last very long. It takes lot willpower to keep going despite all the obstacles that the OCD throws in our path.

Given the choice I'm sure that none of us would wish to keep our OCD.

Wed Jun 16 2010 22:52:18 #
wonderingocd
Member

Im sure we would all want to get rid of our OCD. I think we are all determined folk, trying our very best to get better, and learn to live with the condition. I cannot talk to family about my problem, only one friend I have who would understand, so I have really been able to open up on here.

I feel better for being able to express what I have wanted to say for a very long time. It also makes me feel less alone, when I read some of the thoughts others have, and realise that I am not the only person in the world who this happens to....Thanks to everyone xxxxxx

Mon Jun 21 2010 20:17:49 #