OCD Action

Nigel
Member

Hi all.

I have just posted this topic in great detail, however I got logged out and lost everything I had typed so this time I will keep it brief.

I have battled with checking OCD for just over a year and more recently it has been really bad. I make lists of things I take out with me and then tick them off when I get home, although I still keep checking incase I lose something I know I didn't have. When I see something on the floor and think I may have dropped it or it may be something important that I should find; if I can go back there soon after (maybe a day or two) it eases the anxiety. In reality, the item would most probably not be there again if it is important. When it is a greater distance to go back I tell myself not to check again and I leave but when I nearly get home because I am so far away I battle with OCD for days, wanting to go back and check. It't also worse when I know I cannot go back to a building or a place in the future and this is making interviews and meetings a nightmare.

I have recently been made redundant but I haven't been able to tell my colleagues until the last minute. This has made it diccicult to pack my things in an orderly manner. I am still an employee although I am no longer working and I still have keys so I went there early on morning (there was a few staff about but not my immeadiate colleages)! The pressure for me was that someone could walk in and think I'm being strange coupled with the urgency to check because when I hand the keys back I can't trust my colleagues to give me anything I may leave because they really aren't trustworthy. Anyway I went and checked my workstation tipping draws on there aide etc etc. I noted that there was a plastic box which I needed to hand back to maintenance, I needed to check on top of a cupboard and I needed to check a box for anything I may need. The box that may contain anything I may need was not a OCD thought. The fine line here was that due to my fight against OCD I may not check this box before I left and genuinely leave something behind. When I left the building I knew I only had the 3 areas to check.

I told a friend about the OCD and he agreed to go back with me. In the mean time I couldn't settle so I went back during the day and checked the boxes and on top of the cupboard. When I left although I felt I may have dropped something the feeling wasn't that bad as I focused on my checklist and that I may pop back with my friend.

When I got home and saw my friend the urge to go back was there so we decided to make a night of it and focus on going to the coast near where I work and eating chips and enjoying the atmosphere. He suggested that he went in and checked for me. I was going to ask him so I agreed but I was now worried he may drop something and also that he may not check properly. So we planned a military style operation where he would empty his pockets and check everything while I watched through the window.

He checked the desk area again and I told him to quickly browse the boxes and he didn't have to go through them; I was trying to be strong. When he came out it felt better and that I would never have to go back. However he found some business cards in the draw I had numerously cheked and tilted on its side and rechecked. Now as I had left the office someone could have used the empty draws for storage however as I remember putting business cards in there at some point I felt that how could it be a coincidence that I had put them in ther at some point, I had chekce that the drawers were empty and now there were business cards there. I tried to ignore it.

Instead of going for a early morning run today I have gone back to bed, spent hours thinging about the business cards and the possibilty that we didn't check the big cupboard which wasn't on my checklist as I thought I'd checked it but couldn't remember.

What are your experiences or advice?

Regards

Nigel

Fri Jul 16 2010 12:01:12 #
Unregistered

Dear Nigel,

Although checking is not my main OCD symptom I do engage in a lot of checking -mirrors, doors, washing machines etc. What I can tell you is that the more you check the worse it gets as you give your thoughts credence by checking and so increase your doubt and fear. So please try to put your fears aside and don't go back to your office again.

I think you should go and see your GP. If you are not on meds, a small dose of Prozac or Citalopram may help. There are a lot of techniques that do seem to help some checkers. The vicious flower technique as illustrated in David Veale and Rob Willson's book 'Overcoming OCD' and CBT for Dummies has been recommended by some of my friends. For myself, I have to physically walk away and forec myself to go back and then have a cup of coffee and listen to music, read a book or go for a walk.

All the very best of luck
Anne

Fri Jul 16 2010 12:15:03 #
Nigel
Member

Hi Anne,

Thank you for your advice just knowing that there are people out there that understand and care lifts me a little.

I have been on meds a few years ago for anxiety but everyone I tried gave me bad side affects and I had to have a month off work!

The reading, going for a walk sounds good. I just want to be me again enjoying life!

Thank you.

Nigel

Fri Jul 16 2010 12:21:25 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Nigel,

I've sent you a PM and will get back to you later when finished what I'm doing (OCD making it difficult to finish the job I'm doing )

Trudy

Fri Jul 16 2010 12:25:39 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Nigel,

I'm back The OCD makes everything take so long doesn't it?

First can I say to everyone that if you’re writing a long post it’s best to do it using word on your computer and then copy and paste it. That way you wont have to type it all over again in the event it fails to post on the forum. It also means that you don’t have to write it all in one go and that you can take your time writing the post.

I’m sorry to hear that you were made redundant.

I could be wrong but I don’t think that you’ve said whether you’re getting treatment for your OCD? This is perhaps a good time to seek treatment whilst you’re not in employment. Consider this a new phase of your life and not a set back, it’s just a step sideways. I suggest that you speak to your GP and ask for a referral for treatment and as you’ve probably read on other threads CBT is the treatment of choice. In the meantime you could try reading a book such as Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by David Veale and Rob Willson. It will help to explain CBT.

Like you I’m a constant checker, but there is hope. As stated in a previous post I’m a lot better whilst I’m out and only turn to check if for instance I think someone’s coming up behind me or a quick glance when I get up to check that I’ve not left anything on the bus or tube seat. But a lot of people do that and provided it is just a quick glance and you don’t look again it’s ok. Please don't get me wrong my OCD is far from sorted. But what I'm trying to say is that it's possible to gradually take control of the OCD.

I had a change of circumstances earlier this year and shortly after that I then started to go out alone for the first time in about 15 months. I told myself it was a new phase in my life and that I wasn’t going to give into the checking. It’s not easy in fact it's HARD, but you can do it especially with the right help and encouragement. OCD has a voracious appetite and the more checks you give it the more it wants and in the end the checks are so numerous that they dominate your life.

Get rid of the check list, as that’s causing as much anxiety as the checking. I got rid of my check lists and it means one less thing to worry about and check At first the check lists work just like the checking did, but soon the OCD says ‘But what if I forgot to put something on the list?’ and so you’ve created another source of anxiety.
I agree with Anne don’t go back to the office or you’ll end up going back ad infinitum.

I had to empty the contents of my mother’s house in a hurry when she passed away sixteen months ago and like you I was panicking that I’d left something behind etc and it came to dominate my life. But in the end I realised that even if I had did it really matter? And the answer is no it didn’t. It still niggles me especially if I can’t find something, but there’s nothing I can do and I just have to let it go, thought it's not easy.

CBT will help you to deal with these thoughts in an appropriate manner. We all get these thoughts but someone who doesn’t have OCD will either ignore them or act appropriately. Most people if they’re honest once they’ve left the house get the thought ‘Did I lock the front door?’ They either ignore or say ‘Of course I did.’ and carry on with their day. Not so with us, the thought just wont go and so we go back to check, and then check and then check. . . . . . . But with help we can beat this and learn how to react to these thoughts without the compulsions and the resulting anxiety that they cause.

Try to keep yourself occupied that will help to stop some of the checking by distracting you. But don’t give up, there is always hope. Keep posting on the forum for help and support from other members.

How about keeping occupied by writing some more episodes of OCD Miami?

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk.

Trudy

Fri Jul 16 2010 15:41:51 #
Nigel
Member

Hi Trudy, how are you?

It's been a nightmare weekend, I'm trying to cope but I end up just laying on my bed going over my steps over and over again on whether I should go back to the office.

I mentioned the other day that I checked the office and then I got my friend to check. When he checked he found some business cards which threw me as I thought the draws were empty. They could have been put there after I checked but I remember putting them there at some point but when I checked last the draws were empty (I thought)!

After this I wanted to go back and check the vertical cabinet as I forgot to ask him to check it. I know that I handed over the keys after checking it but because it was a while ago it was stressing me and I had been near it since.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day of relaxation but ended up being really bad. We were on the way to check when my friend had to go home. I've had a very bad time since because I keep telling myself not to go back but then I keep thinking while it's quiet why don't I quickly go check and relieve the anxiety.

I keep having visions of leaving jewellery from my mum who passed away although I don't take jewellery to work. I feel that if I don't check know when everyone is back at work tomorrow it will be lost forever.

I'm worried that accepting everything as OCD will infact make me lose something important by not genuinely checking.

What do you think I should do?

Thank you.

Nigel

Sun Jul 18 2010 10:28:01 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Nigel,

You're in luck, I've just finished putting the washing in the machine and have just logged on. I'm in avoidance mode at the moment

I'm sorry to hear that your weekend hasn't been good. As to what to do . . .
The most important thing is do not to go back to the office.

I keep having visions of leaving jewellery from my mum who passed away

I had a similar problem last year when my mother passed away. I had to pack up and dispose of the contents of the family home. Not easy as it had been my parents home for over 50 years. The stresses of the events leading up to her death meant that the OCD had come back big time and trying to decide what to do with the contents was a nightmare. Each day I had four separate large boxes - one for rubbish, one for the charity shop, one for things that the family wanted and a box for my possessions. I was putting things in the boxes then taking them out, then checking them, then checking that it was the right box, then checking that nothing else was caught up in the item. I felt as if I was on some horrific game show. At the time it was horrendous but I can now laugh at the stupidity of the situation - I think

On returning to my own flat I had horrific images that I had left important things behind such as paperwork, or my mothers jewellery or other things of importance. I desperately wanted to go back, but it was out of the question - after all you can't turn up on someone's doorstep and say 'I used to live here and want to check to see if I've left anything behind.' can you? I had to stop thinking 'what if. . . . .?' and try to learn to trust myself. None of us can be 100% certain and we have to try to learn to live with that. It's not easy and I'm struggling big time, to this day I still think that I've left something behind. I now have to say to myself 'so what!' I now say to myself 'Provided you've not left a child behind does it really matter about anything else?' And the honest answer is no it doesn't. Ok the OCD keeps saying in a very loud voice 'Yes it does.' But his opinion wasn't asked for and really isn't wanted is it?

I'm worried that accepting everything as OCD will infact make me lose something important by not genuinely checking.

By accepting that it's OCD and actively seeking treatment for it you're far less likely to lose something. The anxiety is more likely to make you lose something. So learning to control the OCD and so the anxiety, will mean that things will be so much clearer in your mind as to whether you have left something behind or not.

The OCD's a bully and will move heaven and earth to make you think that your worst fears have come true. They haven't - he's pulling your chain

Don't be so hard on yourself. Today do something that you enjoy and tell the OCD to butt out that today is your day and not his. Try and pamper yourself today and remember BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Trudy

Sun Jul 18 2010 11:07:24 #
Nigel
Member

Hi Trudy,

You just reminded me, I need to do my washing amongst a million other things; but here I am again locked in my room not knowing which way to turn! You must think I'm a right pain!

I know you make sense but I can't handle this overwelming feeling of going back and checking. For me to lose something of my mums and always worry about it is a bug deal and therefore the thought of this scares me. However I can't understand why I believe I may have left it because why would I take it to work, infact when do I where jewellery, specially womens jewellery. I stopped wearing my watch to work because I kept thinking I will lose it and my ring.

I can't get rid of this overwelming feeling. I thought getting my friend to check was enough. He checked while I watched through the window and he said there was nothing there but now I keep thinking he missed something.

I just want to scream or cry, people thing I'm acting strange.

It's 1.30pm and I know I need to salvage the day. I've heard some people write that if it's causing so much pain then go back just once to check but I'm trying to be strong but I'm really scared.

Thank you for your support.

Nigel

Sun Jul 18 2010 12:35:52 #
Truddles
Member

It's gone one and you've resisted, so keep yourself occupied. Remember they are only thoughts.

It is scary but if you stick with it the fear will subside quicker than if you give in to even one check.

You wont get over this checking over night, but with the right help and support it will gradually go.

I'll be on the forum on and off all day, so if you need to talk you know where I am. Talk to someone if the feeling becomes too overwhelming but don't go back.

I'll have to have a couple of breaks to get the washing out (can't be interrupted because of the dreaded OCD and not mastered the washing yet ) but apart from that I'll get back to you if you need to talk.

It's good to be able to talk to someone else with such a similar problem as mine so many thanks
Trudy

Sun Jul 18 2010 12:46:47 #
Nigel
Member

Hi Trudy,

Have you done your washing yet? I have a basket full if you want to do somemore! lol

It's strange actually because my friend who has OCD guessed that I have OCD and he thinks my bedroom will be extremely spotless. My bedroom has gone over the last few years from being a place where everything had an order and looked spotless to a total mess of hoarded items.

I went out with a friend for a drink (orange juice) this afternoon and I also went for a run. I almost went to the offic to check everything, I was at a point where I felt like curling up in a ball and screaming but I didn't go. Now I'm back home I keep looking at the clock and thinking about going to check.

It's scary how bad it's got, I feel bad, guilty, emotional like I don't deserve nice things if I don't check I haven't lost them. I'm just hoping I sleep a little tonight because I've been waking up in the early hours wanting to check the office.

It's good to talk.

Nigel

Sun Jul 18 2010 17:35:18 #
Truddles
Member

In your dreams Nigel I find it difficult enough doing my own Seriously I have nearly finished two loads and I'm quite proud of it. Just think it'll keep you occupied tomorrow doing the washing

A lot of people assume that because we've got OCD where we live will be immaculate and in a lot of cases it's just not so. My place used to be immaculate and now like yours is a total mess with stacks of hoarded items Some of it definitely needs throwing but I'm frightened of throwing the wrong stuff out by mistake. Some of it is in boxes and I'm frightened to touch it in case I contaminate it, other stuff I'm frightened to touch because I think it's contaminated. I hate being in such a mess but just don't know where to begin.

It's good that you managed to get out for a drink with your friend and then go for a run.

I too feel that I don't feel that I deserve nice things in case I either lose them or contaminate them. But we do deserve nice things just the same as other people.

Well done You've held out this long with out going back to the office, so please don't give in and go back. The longer you can hold out the better. Gradually your anxiety levels will come down. Initially it is scary and you have to try not to think about it. That's why you need to keep yourself occupied. Don't get up in the morning and go to the office or all your hard work today will have been in vain and you'll have to go back to the beginning as your anxiety levels will have shot up again. If you wake up early tomorrow keep yourself occupied by writing another episode of OCD Miami. We're all waiting for the next instalment

Take care

Trudy

Sun Jul 18 2010 18:28:38 #
Nigel
Member

Hi Trudy, how are you?

I've done something bad, I gave in to OCD!

Before I went to bed last I started flipping a coin to decide whether I went to the office to check. It cames up as tails to say don't go and I did it a few times and then lost the momentum. I went to bed last night and set my alarm to get up at 5.30am to go to the office and check. When I got into bed I decided to swith the alarm off and hope that I slept through until it was too late. I told myself that if I did wake I would go although I should try to resist. I did a little plan on the list of reasons to go and every reason had a reason not to check.

I kept waking up through the night and then when I finally woke in the morning and realised and couldn't get back to sleep I resisted looking at the clock. Then I realised I couldn't sleep and looked and saw it was exactly the time I had originally set my alarm for. I stuck my head under the pillow and resisted. It was painful but it was good. I strated to get stronger and feel like this was a massive step towards freedom from OCD. I was going to try to sleep then go for a run in the morning and fight the world of OCD.

About 20 minutes later I found myself out of bed getting ready to go to the office to check. From the minute I started to get ready to the moment I got near the office I looked at each junction which was tempting me to turn around and go to bed and resist. But there was a massive urge to satisfy my safe that I hadn't left the jewerry I know I don't take to work and to satisfy myself that I could trust my friends checking and also to challenge myself to check myself and trust myself by not going back.

Anyway a five minute job lasted nearly two hours because I was checking and then rechecking. I knew it would be difficult but I felt that if I didn't I would have failed my mum for not checking jewellery. It was difficult and although in the end I felt relief as well as still a sense that now I may have left something else. I knew there was a great risk of this but I went anyway. The reason I feel I still left something was because as I walked out of the room I had my door ocd.

My door ocd is when I know I do not have a coat but have to keep looking behind the door but by looking i feel i have dropped something else in the process. If in my mind i imagine drawing anything that could be there towards me it eels better. Do I sounds crazy or have you come across this too? Anyway as time was getting on after I had triple checked everything in my mind a pushed away from me which makes me feel like I've dropped something. I told myself I was being silly so to just go which I did.

Up until I sat down and started writing about in I knew I hadn't left anything although the feelings been getting greater. I have been thinking of ringing someone to check. Now the feelings getting stronger.

I wouldn't blame you for giving up on me because I was close to resisting.

Thank you for your support, I really do want to try harder than I did.

Nigel

Mon Jul 19 2010 9:19:59 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Nigel,

Of course I wont give up on you. I know what it's like to be in the situation that you find yourself in.

I'm up to my ears in housework etc and so will get back to you later this afternoon and reply to this thread.

The thread could have been written by me

Have you made the appointment to see the GP? That at least would give you some hope for the future.

Will be back soon.

Trudy

Mon Jul 19 2010 14:04:49 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Nigel,

Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday on this thread as I wasn't well, but I did send you a PM.

I know that you went back to the office to check despite fighting hard to resist it. Don't be hard on yourself though. You just need to start again and this time try not to give into the OCD. With practise it will become easier to ignore what the OCD is telling you.

I have a similar problem with doors and it's the main reason that I can't use public toilets without help. When you come out of the cubicle you just can't see what's behind the door and my OCD is forever telling me that I left something either hanging on the door or behind the door. It drives me nuts, if I check behind the door it doesn't help because as soon as I come out of the cubicle again I'm back to square 1

Initially it sometimes takes several attempts to resist the compulsion but when you do manage it it can be truly euphoric. And the more you manage to resist the compulsions the easier it becomes.

Don't let this set back deter you, it is only a set back and you will manage to succeed with the right help, support and treatment.

Did you make an appointment to see either your GP or someone else in the practise?

Best wishes
Trudy

Tue Jul 20 2010 12:06:45 #