OCD Action

OCDLONELY
Member

I wasn't sure where to post this because I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder or BDD but know that my OCD is a big part of the problem. Sorry if this shouldn't be posted here.I'm going through something at the moment that I don't understand and I'm not sure if it is becoming a real problem? When I was about 14 I had an eating disorder. My doctor said I was borderline anorexic as I was the height I am now 6ft 3 inches (190.5cm) and weighed about 7 stone (44.45kg). I have been housebound for years until recently and never got any exercise e.t.c. I've never been a big eater but due to my meds and lifestyle I put on weight. Early last year I was put on the spot and had to weigh myself with people watching. I was horrified by the results. I've always been self-conscious but this scared me. I started exercising and watching what I ate and soon lost a bit of weight. Now in the last 7-9 months its really been bothering me and I've been cutting out anything from my diet that I see as the problem. Recently this has got really out of hand. I now go out every day for my walk and exercise before hand and then restrict what I eat. I never have breakfast and try to miss lunch and then for dinner have something very little. I count calories and try to keep under 600 a day. I got just over 1000 a day twice but felt scared and sick with myself. I even had the thought of some how getting rid of what I had eaten. This scared me!! I have lost a lot of weight recently. Mayby as much as a stone (14 pounds) in one week. I have a weight I want to get to and I'm not far off but I'm worried if when I get there I can't stop and it's not enough of a loss? I also think I might have BDD as what I see as opposed to others is very different and my self-esteem and self-worth is so low. I hate how I look so much I'm in despair at times. I also feel that as a man I shouldn't have anything like this as it is mainly women and girls who suffer and feel like this. Do you think this is leading to something bad or do you think I'm already there? Any opinions would be very welcome! I think this is affecting my OCD too because things seem to spike a lot more lately. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Take care

Daniel

Wed Oct 7 2009 9:24:15 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Daniel,

I have copied your posting into the Eating Disorders forum where it may be seen by people specifically looking at eating disorders but I have left your original posting in the OCD forum as it is still relevant there.

Best wishes,
Caps

Wed Oct 7 2009 9:45:16 #
Unregistered

Dear Daniel, I have known you a long time, and have been concerned about you all that time, but never have I been as worried as I am now. The hell of the contamination fears and depression etc all distress me, because I realize what you are suffering, but this problem with weight and appearance is even more alarming, because of the consequences to your health. You know I've been in the same position, and I know how blinded we can be to the dangers. Please, please talk to your doctor now. You need to be referred to someone for help with this. As I have said before, such a low consumption of calories has a long-term effect on health, mental and physical. You have no reason to feel ashamed, and men suffer this as well as women (why shouldn't they?). You are such a good looking young man, but I realize you don't see that. Please, please get help now Dan.

Love, Tricia xx

Wed Oct 7 2009 13:08:58 #
OCDLONELY
Member

Just thought I'd update you. Things are getting worse I think? My family are on at me a lot about my not eating and if I complain I feel ill its always the reason. They want me to see my doctor but I really don't want to! I'm struggling to reach the 600 calories a day now but yesterday I exceeded 700 mayby to 800 and felt so bad and angry at myself. I know I'm hungry but I just don't want to eat much. I do eat twice a day though so I'm not starving? Last night though I was really scared. I'm finding it hard to sleep and I felt so weak. I felt the urge to eat something almost like if I didn't something really bad was going to happen. I also felt so sick. I was going to tell someone but I didn't and also I didn't eat anything. I have been feeling really ill for 3 day but it might be a virus. Everyone I tell thinks it's the eating. I haven't been out for 2 days either but hope to go back out tomorrow as I don't want to get stuck back housebound again. Hope you are all o.k and things aren't too much for you? Take care

Daniel

Wed Oct 14 2009 11:24:13 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Hi Daniel

I had an eating disorder when I was in my early 20's. I had a voracious appetite and I wanted to be able to fill my stomach with huge quantities of food to really satisfy myself. I didn't have the patience to eat dainty food such as a yogurt or a boiled egg; I only wanted to eat bulky food such a whole loaf of bread in one go. It wasn't that I was worried about my appearance or that I feared other people would regard me as overweight but rather I didn't want to be so fat that I would have to have small meals in future to bring my weight back down. Since I couldn't eat big meals too often because of becoming obese, I did plenty of physcial exercise to try to compensate for my big meals. But I misjudged the amount of exercise I did and I burned off too many calories, so my weight dropped drastically and I became weak & weedy. Sometimes when I was out walking I felt as though I was running out of energy and could hardly put one foot in front of the other to be able to stagger home. But I didn't mind because it made me feel free to gorge myself in future without worrying about having to pay for it later by eating small meals in order to slim. But the problem was I was very eager to build up my credit in the bank, so to speak, and I rarely did gorge myself ~ I preferred to have my cake rather than eat it.

About this time I happened to go to my GP about another matter and she obviously noticed my thinness and asked to weigh me. She found I was severely underweight for my height, so she arranged for me to see a consultant at a hospital who took some blood samples and gave me a lumbar puncture to take some spinal fluid. From analysing these samples he found I had liver damage caused by malnutrition. Amongst other things my liver damage was adversely affecting the constituents of my blood, making me anaemic and weakening my immune system so that I was prone to infections. I was diagnosed as having PEM (protein energy malnutrition) and was warned I needed to improve my eating habits immediately to avoid any more serious consequences. I became very worried and I immediately started reading up on the subject of healthy eating and changed my diet accordingly. I started counting my calories - not to stop myself eating too much but to stop myself eating too little. Ever since then I have always eaten at least 870 calories for breakfast, 240 calories for lunch, and 1036 calories for supper (total over 2000 calories a day). My weight is now normal for my height and I feel physically fit & healthy. My liver seems to have repaired itself from the damage but I nearly left it too late and came close to causing myself permanent liver damage with serious consequences.

Daniel, I am very concerned for your sake about the physical harm you may be doing to yourself. Undereating is very serious and can cause irreversible health problems. I think you need to see your GP urgently. If you get this problem dealt with now you will probably save yourself a lot of pain & disability in future. It sounds as if it's not too late to repair whatever damage you may have already done.

Please, please take care of yourself.
Sincerely .... Parvez

Wed Oct 14 2009 13:28:09 #
Unregistered

Dear Daniel, I know you don't want to speak to your doctor, but I really think you should consider it, unless you are able to consume more calories than you are now. No-one can be sure, by hearing your symptoms, whether it's the extreme diet you are on or a virus, but one thing is for sure, you will be weak and ill at some point if you don't begin to eat far more than you are now. I personally don't see this as borderline anorexia, I believe you are anorexic. I do realize the fear involved, the panic etc, which is why I really think you need help. Other fears we have can cause us to miss out on life, to be housebound etc, but they are not usually detrimental to health in the same way. You won't have the energy to continue with your walks for much longer unless you eat more. Also, it sounds as though the things you are eating contain little nutrition.

I am only five feet six and I existed on about 1,000 calories for almost a year. My periods stopped and I was very weak. You need more calories than I do, obviously. A doctor told me if I wanted to lose weight I should not be eating less than 1,500, preferably a little more. A couple of hundred calories less than what we actually burn (the average man uses approx 2,500) is the ideal way to lose weight. The brain believes the body is in starvation mode if too few calories are consumed. This slows down the metabolism (some say permanently) and will affect every organ in the body when endured for too long.

I know you are frightened and I am reluctant to write this, because I don't want to alarm you any more. However, I have to be truthful, because this is a very slippery and dangerous slope. You may be eating twice a day, but 600 calories is starving yourself. Just adding a couple of bananas a day to your diet would be a start. The fact that you are angry with yourself for eating less than a third of the calories you need is so deeply distressing.

Instead of viewing food as fattening, can you try to think of healthy food as vital for your energy, your skin, hair, teeth etc? I know it's not that easy, but it's worth an attempt.

Love, Tricia xx

Wed Oct 14 2009 13:30:22 #
Unregistered

Dear Parvez, It's very good to hear from you, I was going to write to you today, if you hadn't appeared! I posted my message to Daniel, before realizing you had written to him. I am relieved to hear that you received help before it was too late. I've know Daniel for many years, he is a lovely young man with the most generous personality (he is also tall and extremely good looking, but you know how this kind of obsession blinds us to our true appearance). I am extremely worried about him.

Tricia x

Wed Oct 14 2009 13:37:50 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Tricia wrote:
I was going to write to you today, if you hadn't appeared!

Thanks, Tricia. It's nice to have been missed!

The explanation of my eating disorder in my last post doesn't make sense. To clarify, I tried to lose weight by doing physical exercise so that I could enjoy putting the weight back on again by gorging myself with huge meals. It was purely for my own gustatory pleasure and not because I was concerned about how slim I looked in other people's eyes. But I overdid the physcial exercise and lost too much weight.

Hi Daniel .... Something else I wanted to mention to you is that when my brain was starved of sugar, my thoughts were more irrational than usual and my compulsions were harder to resist. I noticed a dramatic improvement in my mental state within half an hour of eating a hearty meal. There was a consistent correlation between the sugar level in my blood and my OCD. Have you noticed a similar pattern in yourself? You may find that increasing your calorie intake will help improve your mental state too.

I agree with Tricia that it would be easier to increase your intake of food gradually rather than trying to swallow a large plate of meat-and-two-veg (or veg-and-two-veg if you're a vegetarian like me!) all at once. A banana is rich in potassium and iron, and also contains a protein called tryptophan which boosts the level of serotonin in your brain - which will help fend off depression. A banana is also rich in B vitamins which help calm your nervous system. So a banana added to your breakfast is an excellent way to start the day. In order to digest and metabolise certain types of vegetable such as celery & cabbage, the human body burns up about as many calories as are contained in the vegetable itself. So you could eat a few stalks of nutritious celery for lunch without worrying about the calories. Also, have you considered taking a multiple vitamin & mineral tablet?

Sorry if I come across as a nagging mother! I am not trying to control you or manipulate you to change your diet. You've got to really want to change it yourself if it's going to happen. I just want to inform you of some of the dangers of undereating (a trap I fell into due to my ignorance about nutrition) and to try to suggest some small steps for your recovery.

Respectfully ..... Parvez

Thu Oct 15 2009 11:01:15 #
OCDLONELY
Member

Tricia and Parvez thank you both so much for your advice and support. It has given me something to think about and I will keep an eye on on what I'm doing. I have tried to contact my doctor but he is away until monday. I will contact him then but I am concerned about what he might say and make me do. I know what I'm doing isn't good but there is so much conflict going on in my head that it's hard to decipher. Take care of yourselves and thank you!!

Daniel

Thu Oct 15 2009 13:21:47 #
Unregistered

Dear Daniel. I'm so relieved that you are talking to your doctor on Monday. Remember what I said, he can't make you do anything. He will offer advice.

Love, Tricia xx

Thu Oct 15 2009 13:40:33 #
Unregistered

Dan, I'm worried about you. How did the conversation with your doctor go?

Love. Tricia x

Mon Oct 19 2009 15:30:11 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Tricia said:

I've know Daniel for many years, he is a lovely young man with the most generous personality (he is also tall and extremely good looking.

Wow, Daniel! That's a great compliment.

Mon Oct 19 2009 15:41:40 #