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slogsweep
Member

Hello everyone, hope you're all well.

I have hardly any self esteem. Whenever I leave a room full of people, I think they are laughing at me when I'm gone. When I walk down a street, I'm convinced I'm being laughed at. My arms are always folded and I always look at the floor. It's as if some of me has died. I used to be confident and even had a bit of "swagger". Even around my girlfriend sometimes I feel like bursting into tears. I can't think for the life of me why she sees me as worthwhile. I'm worried about meeting old friends tomorrow, in case they find what I've become, this thin, frail, jumpy shell funny. I'm scared to go to a pub because of drunk people. My last major experience of drunk people was one plunging a knife into another's back, while I hid under a table as glasses were thrown at me for fetching security. (Unsurprisingly, I quit working in the pub trade soon after)

Today my main Christmas present arrived. I burst into tears at the thought of anyone buying me a present. I feel as if I don't deserve love, affection or companionship and my illness and depression will pollute and ruin everyone's Christmas. I made my Mom cry today because she questioned me until I gave in and told her how hopeless I felt. I didn't mean to upset her, it's just that I can't lie. I cried for about 2 hours, about the enormity of tackling this condition, about how it's ruined my life for so long, about how I'm at a mid-rate university with only 7 GCSE's despite being predicted for much more. I was scared to chase dreams, sick with fear that I'd be brought down to even my luck out. About how I had to quit playing cricket, just as I had reached the first team, as I became so nervous going out to bat that I couldn't move my legs - I turned into a rabbit in headlights and lost all confidence.

I cried too because of the great amount of work I have to catch up on, as my term has been devoted to learning and attempting to fight this OCD. For at least 128 days consecutive, I have struggled to get out of bed because of this particular blowout of OCD. I haven't resorted to self harm as I have done in the past or crash dieting, but I have lost over a stone in weight. I look gaunt and my eyes are blackened. It's like the OCD is sucking the life out of me. I'm a 21 year old lad who frankly, couldn't care less if I didn't wake up. I have a beautiful girlfriend, a caring family and a handful of friends, yet still I'm not happy. I must be the most ungrateful cretin on the planet. I have everything I used to long for and I'm still unhappy.

At least this time I wasn't crying about an obsession. More about how this condition has ravished me, destroyed my potential, ruled and ruined my life. I can't stand to look in the mirror at the moment, all I see is everything I fear most, along with a broken, tired, paranoid shell of what I thought I once was. For what feels like an age I've been trying to combat OCD, yet it still comes back with a vengeance. I know some of you have suffered and fought for far longer, but I'm a coward, and the months until CBT are like a prison sentence, a sentence that I be trapped in my broken head until then. This same head that has caused me to self harm, embrace anorexia in the past and cause me in my younger days to drink myself stupid to escape what I now know to be OCD.

I'm sorry, but I needed to spill. I feel as if I'm going to burst with sadness. Please talk to me, even just to distract me.

I'm extremely grateful to you all, I know it may not seem it with this post, but I am. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the help and guidance on this forum and the OCD hotline, finally convincing me that I have a problem that others are unlucky enough to have as well.

Best wishes in your respective battles against OCD, and have a happy Christmas.

Slog

Tue Dec 20 2011 0:01:31 #
playthoseblues
Member

Hi Slog,

I know how you feel and can relate to a lot of the stuff you say. My mum said the other day that she didn't want me to do psychology in a career because I'd only worry about others. I've felt crap for days too. I think it's Christmas as well, it makes people like us feel worse because everyone else is having a good time whilst we can't. But think about it mate, you've made it this far, and you've beaten things in the past, and if you look back you probably would think 'Wow, I've done that, so now I must beat this'. I've got exams after Christmas, and OCD's making me feel low, so therefore I can't concentrate.

Be kind to yourself Slog and don't beat yourself up, you're a kind considerate member on these forums, and we'll give you all the help you need until you get your CBT.

Stay safe mate and have a good Christmas

Jon

Tue Dec 20 2011 0:14:45 #
ACB33
Member

Hi Slog, Hi Jon.

Slog, firstly please don't apologise, I know we all say this but you have nothing to be sorry about. It seems as if you have suffered for quite a while now but I honestly think that OCD literally demolishes every positive we have, this is where it gets it power and is intent on causing distress. It's great that you can be so open and talk about things confidently too, this will stand you in a great position with your CBT when it gets here. I saw my therapist the other day and just like you broke down in floods of tears. I couldn't believe that something do distress and debilitating could be OCD and I have always blamed myself...I mean it's my brain for god sake why can't I just get over it and get on with my life, why am I intent on holding onto this horrible thing that makes me feel utterly terrified and physically sick? The fact is, like you, it's part of our journey through life. We didn't CHOOSE to have this and suffer this is just a result of our sensitivity which the OCD has latched onto like a virus and spread. The beauty is it can be sorted!

I honestly don't know what to say in regards to the months long waiting list for CBT, this undoubtedly is as distressing as the illness itself and I know exactly how you feel...fighting a losing battle and banging your head against the 4 brick walls you find yourself caged into in your head! The issue here is the OCD has left you with low self esteem and I know you feel at breaking point, I often feel the same way. I have days where I HATE myself for allowing this thing to get the better of me. I described it as a self destruct button to my therapist which I'm intent on pushing but don't know why, I have no reason to. The reason? OCD of course!

What I'm trying to say is amongst my waffle is that you have a medical condition which attacks every tool we need to recover. You didn't choose to be or feel like this it's just a result from some bad experiences in the past which will eventually become a stepping stone to a strong future rather than acting like a pit with quick sand in it!

If you need to cry...cry! If you need to moan then go ahea, of you need to feel sorry for yourself then do so. Just make a promise to yourself that although you feel like this now, all that worrying and distress this causes you is a sign that you want to get better and your doing all you can to make that happen. Try not to beat yourself up, that's what OCD wants you to do, it keeps it's power over you the more you become depressed and upset.

Jon is right, you have got this far and although you don't feel like this but you have one every battle OCD has thrown your way, sure theres a few wounds and scars but time is a great healer and these will correct themselves when you get to that final fight. Without you knowing your gathering everything you need to finally beat this! Sure it's not going to happen tomorrow, next week or even in 6 months time, but you will be a stronger person and appreciate how far you have come through an illness that can literally destroy people's lives and man that's some war to win!

Keep strong Slog. Your doing fine. Just take each day as it comes rather than looking to the future because the OCD will only cloud it with darkness and suffering. Don't look back either, it's not a pretty site either, you have to live for now as this is what you can control and the OCD can't! You DO deserve to have a nice Christmas and your a lovely person. Don't forget you didn't CHOOSE to be like this, you just have to find those little gaps to get through the maze and you will do that with time.

Take Care Slog and don't beat yourself up, it's not worth it, you have no reason to!

ACB

Tue Dec 20 2011 7:43:24 #
Citaloman
Member

Dear Slog, whenever I message you about me I never realise you have started a new thread. I almost called samaritans last night just to talk to someone other than my parents. My mum who I avoided talking to finally got it out of me about how I was feeling, no future, my worries etc. She reassures me that things get better, even though in my head things are s##t.

The one thing I would say is that, last time this happened to me I did get better. This is hard to write due me feeling hopeless now, but I did get better. (Writing that made me feel sick).

I'm going to the doctors now for another round of "you will get better" "it's because your a good person these things bother you". She is an amazing doctor but I feel im wasting her time.

If you need to message me do so, this was meant to be a two way thing mate.

Don't forget there are people to speak to when you're feeling low, I suggested the Samaritans earlier.

I can see from your post that you are not your thoughts. And you will be fine. I promise.

Tue Dec 20 2011 8:55:26 #
njb
Member

slog (and all others),

Heart goes out to you. All I can offer is you are not alone mate and I am grateful for your replies as I hope you will be mine.

This is an absolute terrible thing to have. It is tough when you spend all night worrying and when morning comes cant face getting up.

This will pass - you know that - we can all get better - we all have to believe that. I have had brief periods where i am better as i bet you have.

Try to establish your triggers and for me at least tiredness, beer and no exercise is a killer.

Always here for you and dont feel pressure from my advice as i am predictably rubbish at undertaking it myself.

if i were upset now you would be saying same things but thinking flippin eck i cant do that....i dont have ocd...blah blah blah.

I had a thought the other day (I know - the irony) and I thought - what would i do if i was someone who didnt have this ? My answer was i would still be someone who couldnt sit still for 1 minute and i know plenty of people who are like that. Maybe we are trying to reach a state of calm which a) doesnt exist for anyone b) our character will never accept even without fears.

I also have a theory which I will post today to see if anyone else agrees.

Chin Up mate x

Tue Dec 20 2011 9:21:19 #
Tess
Member

Hi slog
Haven't time to reply at length but I am so relieved you have opened up all your anxieties and insecurities on this forum - never ever be afraid to do this or think you are moaning, all of us who suffer from OCD have been where you are now - and it's a very important part of the healing process to express how low you are feeling. Once you reach rock bottom the only way out is back up so hang on to that thought.
Personally I find people who go around with a swagger rather intimidating or I wonder what they are trying to hide. It doesn't matter what others think of you and the chances are that all they will feel if they see you turning into a shadow of your former self is concern for you. So, you only got 7 GCSE's - my husband got none - so what. He lost his education because of poverty and physical illness, your academic potential has been affected by OCD. You have the rest of your life to work out where your true potential lies and to develop it. You cannot expect to excel academically and battle severe OCD at the same time and at present your priority has to be getting yourself well.
My view is Slog, you are amazing, you have achieved 7 GCSEs despite having a disabling mental health condition, you are studying for a university degree, you have a girlfriend and loving family, you have overcome anorexia which is an enormous feat of endurance. So, you may not be the world's top cricketer but who knows what you will be in the future - one thing I do know is that you will be a stronger and even more lovable person because of the battle you are going through right now. CBT is not some miraculous cure which will wave a magic wand at you once the prison sentence ends, this prison sentence is all part of coming through this and you are doing well, it is evident from all your other posts. Now, try and enjoy those presents you have been given and give yourself a break.

Tue Dec 20 2011 11:20:42 #
slogsweep
Member

I genuinely am taken aback with what you've all wrote there. Every compliment I've ever had means so much, I can't believe just how much this community improves me sometimes.

You've all given me such a boost. I wish I could just hide and not have to meet all these family and friends over Christmas but thanks to what you've written I'm not going to hide. I'm ill and if someone's hard-headed enough to not understand then they can do one.

I know CBT isn't a miracle cure Tess, but I wrote on my CBT application that I'm realistic and just want the OCD to be manageable. Thank you again for another lovely post. I guess I did have something to hide behind my former "swagger", the OCD. It is no coincidence also that my OCD got markedly worse once I quit playing cricket. I had so many rituals it was insane while playing for a bit of fun. I guess the OCD had to creep out somewhere else, somewhere darker that I couldn't escape from. I felt so much better after seeing that therapist, it's gutting to think it'll be a while before I can see her again.

Jon thank you for your post late last night, I only saw it on my phone but it gave me a boost before I went to sleep, meaning I woke up calmer. It always means a lot knowing that I've contributed towards helping people sometimes on here, makes me feel even in my self-esteem-less state that I can be of use.

Citaloman I felt bad posting this because of the hell you're going through. Thank you for understanding and don't let my struggles put you off. I might be further down the medication road than you but there are many circumstantial problems that are probably exacerbating the OCD at the moment. Please keep messaging me whenever you need to.

Thanks ACB,
"Keep strong Slog. Your doing fine. Just take each day as it comes rather than looking to the future because the OCD will only cloud it with darkness and suffering. Don't look back either, it's not a pretty site either, you have to live for now as this is what you can control and the OCD can't!"

I've cut and pasted that bit onto a word document so I can look at it when I don't have the internet. Really thank you for such a long and helpful post.

Njb again thank you and you've nothing to thank me for. I just don't want someone else to end up like me. Tiredness is definetly a trigger of mine too, and I can't drink alcohol because of the horrendous headaches I get almost instantly. Drunk people are for some reason a trigger, it's why I'm debating going to the pub tonight. In response to your post today I agree with that 100%. I used to question life/death, crime, poverty, all sorts at a ridiculously young age. I worried about my mom and dad dying constantly at the age of about 9-13. I thought I'd killed my Nan because on the day she died, me and my brother were being looked after by her in the morning, we were playing up and arguing as kids do. She left at midday, and by 9pm she'd had a fatal stroke.

I will try to give myself a break. I'll feel better once these family occasions are done with. Thank you all so much. Oh and Njb I have found a thread on another OCD site that might be relevant to you. It's on my phone so I'll try and get the address and post it to you later. (Or anyone who worries about having done something wrong, as opposed to going to do something wrong.) I'll post it here too.

Thank you everybody, it means so much.

Slog

Tue Dec 20 2011 13:27:15 #
ACB33
Member

Hi Slog. How are you feeling this evening? I'm glad you have found the replies comforting and helpful. It really is a tough struggle but you will get there. I think if you try and give yourself a bit of a break you will find a decrease in distress.

Look after yourself

ACB

Tue Dec 20 2011 19:33:45 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi ACB, a little better thank you. Lots of family occasions coming up so I'm nervous about those. I've decided against going to the pub tonight. I haven't really got the money and it'll provoke more anxiety. However I don't feel under threat at the moment. I've tried to keep what everyone has written in mind and I'm trying not to over-isolate myself.

How are you doing?

Slog

Tue Dec 20 2011 19:37:35 #
ACB33
Member

Hi Slog. Glad to hear your feeling a little better. Probably best for you to stay at home tonight if you have had a difficult couple of days. Please don't hide yourself away though. You will soon come to learn in CBT that avoidance isnt part of anyone's recovery, it only strengthens the doubts and distress the OCD causes but I must say you will need time to get to this point and get yourself into a position that you can cope with these occasions so I think until that time make sure you enjoy your time with your friends and family over Xmas and just don't provoke the anxiety too much.

Don't forget NO one in this world is perfect and if people can't support those around them in their darkest hour then they certainly don't deserve your time, friendship and love after you have recovered. Give your family time though, it's very important to stick together and we all deal/cope with things in different ways. You need to be patient with them ad much as they need to with you.

Keep going Slog, your doing all the right things to recover.

ACB

Tue Dec 20 2011 19:48:31 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you . It's as if the anxiety doesn't need provoking, the OCD provokes it all by itself. I've had a few bad mornings where I've not had time to ruminate but still wake up feeling rubbish. My family have been brilliant for the most part and I'm very lucky, I can't imagine going through this alone.

Have a great christmas ACB, thanks for your comments they've helped a great deal while I've felt this low.

Slog

Tue Dec 20 2011 20:55:11 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, Hi Slog, glad too to hear you're a little better... wow... A really good thread, and I agree with everything that has been said... You are worth it Slog, definitely, you've been there for me too, and I'm full of appreciation for that... Everything everyone is saying on this thread is spot on...
wannabe

Tue Dec 20 2011 22:07:15 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks Wannabe, it's only because I have the time to be on here regularly, being a student. I might as well make the most of it and if I can't use it to my advantage, try and make other people a little more able to use their time. Really is a wonderful thread, I'm cherishing everything said on it, so flattering some of the things that have been said, and so sad too that other people know what it's like to feel as afraid and trapped as I do.

Hope you're enjoying the Christmas period Wannabe

Slog

Tue Dec 20 2011 22:27:23 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, I'm slowly starting to get into it... Having a nice cup of tea and savouring it,some nice stuff for dinner, a relax in a comfortable chair...
I finally got my cards posted today, the last day for first class post... I'm not going to expect too much from Christmas, just a bit of a rest between doing cooking, and having the odd little drink...
I do hope that things will ease for you, Slog... I'm sure they have before, so they will again.... In my book, seven GCSE's is a fantastic achievement... I've only got four, and I did those after I left school!! I was crap at everything at school, or so I thought...
I'm just off to take my night time meds and a try and chillout with a DVD on in the bedroom... I'm desperately tired, and hope to sleep... There is a great togetherness on here, and it helps me too... Take it steady, Slog, this will pass, it has to, have yourself a merry little christmas, don't aim for a big one... Things will return to steadiness in the new year, then we'll have Summer and CBT to look forward to...
wannabe

Tue Dec 20 2011 22:41:58 #
njb
Member

Hi Slog,

You do sound more positive as am I.

Reading your post reminds me of things from my childhood. I think there is more we can learn from reflection on this. I like to think that somewhere early on we have an insight. An empathy. Maybe even a sense of humanity and caring which develops. I remember thinking my parents would die and even that i contribute to events (magical thinking).

Looking back now its obvious i have had ocd since about 6. We should all try to seek reflection and use it positively. For instance, we are all fighting the doubting disease and for me the particular topics only arose later in life. I spend most of my time believing the thoughts and like all of us cant accept its ocd. If it were that easy we'd not be on here.

My point being that seeing ocd in your childhood (or behaviours) enables you to see it without the doubt of a fearful subject or obsession. So for me, i was magical thinking my head off and touching everything twice and doing everything in fours from an early age. There is no doubting that. So, what i should be thinking now is when i think im a paedophile i should think hold on, its ocd - look how im ruminating. B*gger is though ocd just throws in that i could be one and have ocd !!!

It always gets you. But in theory - thinking about how you got here is a good thing. If anything it supports your theory that it is ocd.....im rambling but there you go.

Tue Dec 20 2011 22:50:52 #
slogsweep
Member

Get plenty of sleep Wannabe and I'm glad you're feeling relaxed. The togetherness is something to really treasure on here, despite it being such a sad and crippling bond. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, as I'm sure sleep is better than any med when fighting OCD!

I'm very tired too, thank you again for your comments and good night,

Slog

Tue Dec 20 2011 22:52:08 #
wannabefree
Member

You're most welcome slog, you get some sleep too... And you njb...
wannabe

Tue Dec 20 2011 23:06:39 #
blueboy
Member

Hi Slog,
reading your posts and hope you get some peace in the next few days..i have improved with the ocd.. thru meds... but there are other parts of my life that need addressed... but thankfully i can now see those as more normal issues.. that anyone can face and not that ocd is destroying my whole life...my main ocd was the thought i harmed someone... similar to what you said about your nan...i would like to see the thing you are going to post pertaining to thi type of ocd.. or have i missed it? take care ...PAUL

Tue Dec 20 2011 23:31:56 #
Mike
Member

Slog - have you tried ERP therapy?

Wed Dec 21 2011 3:19:14 #
slogsweep
Member

I haven't to be honest, I thought I'd be doing that as part of CBT. Do you know what ERP would be like for me? I worry constantly that I've done something wrong and I check all the bloody time lights, locks, plug sockets all sorts,

Thanks, I'm always relived to find another option.

Slog

Wed Dec 21 2011 12:33:58 #
Mike
Member

Yes, ERP therapy is designed to expose you to your fears. It consists of 2 parts: 1) the exposure, and 2) refusing to engage in any behaviors that might reassure you or make you feel better or less anxious (compulsions).

In your case, you must stop doing all compulsions, such as checking things to make sure that they are OK. And every time a thought enters your head that says "maybe I did X wrong", answer the thought by saying "YES, MAYBE I DID". Repeat this constantly, every time you get a thought in your head, and refuse to do any compulsions no matter how anxious you get. If you tell me what your specific obsessions are about, I could give you more specifics.

Wed Dec 21 2011 17:41:35 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks Mike, I think the "yes maybe I did" thing would work with the compulsive checking, but I can't accept my intrusive thoughts. I'd rather be dead than they be true. At the moment I use Brain Lock against those, are there any alternatives?

Slog

Wed Dec 21 2011 19:25:25 #
Citaloman
Member

From experience they die down and become less of an issue. That's me saying it..! Jeez must have had a good day.

Wed Dec 21 2011 21:28:14 #
Mike
Member

You have no choice but to accept the potential validity of what any of the intrusive thoughts are saying. You have no choice but to live in a world in which there is uncertainty. You drive a car because you can accept the possibility that you might die on the road at any moment. You walk in the street because you can accept the possibility that you might get killed on the road at any moment. You have done countless things in your life that could have gotten you killed, just like everyone else. But for your obsessions, you all of a sudden cannot accept the possibility that your feared consequences might be true, or might come true. This is the OCD. Your goal should be to deal with those feared consequences the same way you deal with all the other feared consequences in life - acceptance. Any time you have an intrusive thought that tells you that "X" might be true, answer it by telling yourself "YES IT MIGHT, AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO KNOW FOR SURE, SO I'M GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT EVER KNOWING FOR SURE". Do this constantly.

The methods in "Brain Lock" are basically compulsions. Reassuring yourself will never free you from the obsessions, because reassurance is a compulsion in of itself and feeds the OCD cycle. The only way to overcome any kind of fear is by exposure, NOT reassurance.

Would you mind telling me what your biggest fears are? Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like.

-Mike

Wed Dec 21 2011 21:29:55 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you Mike, I've had no idea what to expect from CBT to be honest. I'm really grateful for you shedding some light on what I'll have to go through. Frankly the idea of accepting thoughts like these terrifies me so do you think I should wait until Feb when I see a therapist? That way I'll have a bit of guidance at least, or do you think I should start asap?

One final question, do you think Brain Lock has any use at all? I know it divides opinion on here quite markedly.

Thanks Mike, that's a pretty wonderful thing you've done for me there. Happy Christmas

Slog

Thu Dec 22 2011 14:19:55 #
slogsweep
Member

Sorry for some reason I've replied on the wrong thread! After reading it on my phone I came on my computer to reply. Rather dumb of me,

Slog

Thu Dec 22 2011 14:33:46 #
Mike
Member

Slog, I think you should probably wait until you see a therapist before you do anything drastic, but I think you can at least start by refusing to do any compulsions. That should make you anxious enough for now, but it will help you immensely in the long run. By stopping the compulsions, you are, in a way, training your mind to accept the uncertainty about your fears. And once your brain sees again and again that even when you don't do the compulsions nothing bad happens, it will begin to habituate and make you less anxious. As for intentional exposure to your fears, you might wanna wait until you see your therapist.

I haven't read Brain Lock, I only know about the 4 R's and I know that's the basic gist of the treatment approach in the book. All I can say is that the 4 R's did absolutely nothing for me and I actually ended up having suicidal thoughts and living a completely tortured life until I discovered ERP, which has restored me to (almost) a happy life. I also know Edna Foa and Jon Grayson, two experts in the field who use ERP. Dr. Foa was selected as Time Magazine's 100 most influential people in the world a couple years back for her use of ERP in OCD and PTSD.

Thu Dec 22 2011 15:25:01 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you for your brilliant advice. It's the catastrophic thinking, I'd do anything to get rid of that! It's a constant learning experience, OCD isn't it?

Thanks Mike, really appreciate what you've done for me. Actually looking forward to Christmas barring the odd spike now,

Best wishes

Slog

Thu Dec 22 2011 20:02:22 #
Mike
Member

We can't get rid of catastrophic thoughts, we can only learn to accept that catastrophic things MIGHT happen, and learn to be OK with that possibility. Once you are OK with the possibility that a catastrophe could happen at any time, your catastrophic thinking and obsessing will stop. As for a learning experience, yes, I think having OCD is a constant learning experience in terms of learning to live with uncertainty.

Thu Dec 22 2011 20:13:01 #
slogsweep
Member

Sounds terrifying but I understand the logic behind it at least. So by accepting the thoughts, you're not accepting them in a moral sense, it's more of a "it's a remote human possiblity" kind of way if that makes any sense?

Thu Dec 22 2011 20:47:38 #