OCD Action

amy88
Member

Hi everyone. I'm really nervous talking about this but maybe i would feel better if i did! For several years i have been have strange thoughts/images which i don't want to mention what they're about. It seems to happen when i'm bored or really depressed and i feel like a terrible person. Also, recently i have been having suicidal thoughts and sometime i feel tempted to act on them which really worries me. I don't know how to cope with these anymore and i feel like they get in the way of my life.

Wed Aug 10 2011 11:03:16 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Amy -

it is always good to talk about such bothersome and troubling thoughts and images. I find it interesting that you experience them not only in depression, but also in boredom. The latter is not that usual, IMHO. 'Boredom' suggests a state of mind that is relatively anxiety-free, perhaps a bit apathic, without too much initiative, and lacking enjoyment. That's not a situation in which our mind likes to confront us with unwanted, intrusive stuff.

I do not know what you mean when you write: 'feel like a terrible person'. Does that imply: uninteresting, repulsive to self, repulsive to others, redundant? If that is so, then clinical depression might plague you. That is a disorder that can in principle be treated. Do you think it is related to OCD in your particular case? The suicidal thoughts also point to such a condition, as does your temptation to act upon them. There are people with OCD who also suffer from suicidal thoughts, but, contrary to you, are terribly afraid that they will realise them - whereas you write like you feel seduced by them.

That you don't know how to cope with all this is perfectly human. No one can. That they interfere with your life in a grave manner: likewise.

So: it looks like you suffer from a combination between OCD (i.e. intrusive thoughts and images - is that without compulsive behaviours?) and clinical depression (or MDD, major depressive disorder). Do you have any form of therapy? Do you use pharmacological stuff to alleviate your problems? If not, you should really seek clinical help; the problems you put before us are very serious, and can normally hardly be acted on by the person herself.

That is what I can write in the form of a reply. Sorry if I come over as very inquisitive... it's that you keep some things to yourself, and you are of course completely entitled to do so.

I'd be grateful for some more information. If you want to provide that, please PM me (private messaging; to be found behind the 'profile' button). It's all up to you, and out of Holland I wish you truly all the best with trying to overcome the obstacles that you describe.

Cheers, Cuthbert.

Wed Aug 10 2011 11:32:50 #
chatterfairy
Member

Hi Amy

Firstly, please do not be nervous talking about this. Hopefully we can help you and you will feel better.

Although I have a different form of OCD, I found that when I was bored I would start to worry more about things which would in turn stress me out. I find that sometimes I actually invent things to worry about when I am bored. I think there are some people that need to be constantly active and when we are not, OCD rears its ugly head! Although not very helpful I wanted you to know that having these thoughts when bored is not unusual. For a while I always used to keep myself constantly busy (to the point where I would be told to 'sit down and relax!') Obviously this might be helpful in the short term to keep the thoughts at bay, but I would urge you to try and get CBT to help you manage your thoughts in the most effective manner. I should stress again I have a different form of OCD, and keeping yourself busy may be the completely wrong thing to do...I just wanted to suggest something that may help in the immediate future to alleviate some of your anxiety.

Are you currently receiving any treatment? Have you spoken to a doctor? I am currently having CBT and I have to say it has changed my life so there is hope!

Lastly, with regards to suicidal thoughts, this concerns me. I don't want to say too much incase you don't want to talk about it, but as Cuthbert wrote above, feel free to PM me and I can try and offer you advice or some support. (If you do wish to PM, please remember to put in a subject title otherwise the email will not send!)

Chatterfairy

Wed Aug 10 2011 19:58:05 #
Unregistered

Hi

I just wanted to add that although I too have a different type of ocd (contamination fears also), when I was worse with my ocd I too had suicidal thoughts. I am sure there must be other ocd sufferers that have had suicidal thoughts too as it is a very difficult illness to cope with but it is not hopeless.

I would urge you to speak to your doctor as soon as possible. It worries me that you are in that much despair as I believe there are methods out there to help you get better as I have.

As Chatterfairy said, I too found that my ocd got worse when I was bored and I found that I had to keep myself occupied.

Go and speak to your doctor about possible cbt or medication options. If you are worried about speaking to your doctor about how you are feeling then write it down and take that with you to give to the doctor. Don't worry, there are many people suffering with your type of ocd, it's not just you.

Also, use the resources section of this website to help you understand ocd a bit better and continue to use the forum for support too.

Thu Aug 11 2011 8:26:37 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Reading this thread again, I realised that I overlooked something. Well, not really overlooked, but it's more a matter of interpretation. Stroudie and Chatterfairy pointed this out.

'Bored' may very well be synonymous with: nothing much to do, and not being overtly stimulated by the outside world. Not being highly involved with that outside world either.

And this in turn can mean: a certain set of brain areas can become active, which are normally (e.g. in work, at a party, in traffic) suppressed. This is called: the default mode brain network.

Don't worry about the name. What's important: when one is staying too long in a situation where that default system is very active, one can easily get sombre, and suffer from recurring bad thoughts (rumination), up to the point where a vicious circle is entered. Depressed and suicidal ideas may get the upper hand, and become hard to skip or leave behind.

A solution is: force oneself to go into 'active mode' again. Help from others is enormously stimulating here. As is an environment that invites to take action in whatever form.

(I readily admit that jumping out of the default state can be very hard.)

But my own riddle has been answered, thanks go out to the other respondents. And that is one of the reasons this board is great.

Cheers, Cuthbert.

Thu Aug 11 2011 10:27:38 #
Unregistered

Wow Cuthbert, you certainly explained it better than I could have done! Well done!

Thu Aug 11 2011 14:18:42 #
Hb
Member

Hi! woah this sounds identical to mine. These thoughts are just that,thoughts(i still find this very hard to believe myself btw) I am convinced that having them is just as bad as doing them and if i do have them I therefore must have or must want to carry them out. I found this brilliant book amazingly helpful its called "imp of the mind" and is about OCD and intrusive thoughts. Never feel weird for writing on this as all of us here are friends and even though dont know each other personally we know exactly how they feel

Keep smiling (as hard as that is)
Hb xxx

Thu Aug 11 2011 15:08:15 #
katykamu
Member

Hi Amy88,

Please do not feel alone in the thoughts you are having. When I was a teenager I experienced a very similar thing to what you sound to be describing. I now identify what I experienced as being Suicide OCD and mild depression. At the time I felt like I was living in a sort of hell because I feared the thoughts and I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was thinking.

You have done the right thing talking about your thoughts on here and please remember there are people who are here to listen and support you.

If you want to PM please do.

kkx

Thu Aug 18 2011 22:19:01 #
amy88
Member

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for the replies, it's nice to know i'm not on my own. I hope that soon things might improve.

Fri Aug 19 2011 23:16:57 #