OCD Action

BrCJ
Member

I am diagnosed with a form of OCD and I am in the process of pushing away someone very close to me because of my obsessive need for constant reassurance. Constantly asking "Do you love me?” always questioning their replies, analyzing their responses, pushing for answers and constantly seeking clarification on every nuance.

I find my mind racing with negative thoughts and critiques about myself and about how others really think of me. It's become apparent that despite how much affection and love is lavished on me it's never good enough. Beneath the surface I have a deep fear and idea that it's all somehow disingenuous and the person in question is just telling me what I want to hear.

I've encountered firsthand the pain and hurt this causes others. People I care about become angry and ask me "Don't you believe me?" or "Do you think me such a bad person that I have to constantly reassure you?" or "Do you really think I'm lying to you?" And the one that brought me to tears was "You make me feel like I'm a horrible spouse because I can never love you enough."

No matter how hard I try to stop or how effectively I recognize what I'm doing, I can't seem to prevent myself from becoming emotionally overbearing. I'm wearing out acquaintances, friends and family. The pain of the doubt in my mind is so overpowering that I cannot bear to restrain myself from becoming a pitiful mass of prodding and intrusive questions. The sad fact is I’m a truly sweet and kind person and I care deeply for others, but my insecurities and obsessive need for reassurance make me seem self-centered and mostly concerned for my own feelings. Not to mention it irritates drains and inevitably drives people away. I'm at the point where I actively avoid friendships because they always wind up the same way, with me hurt and others frustrated and confused.

I sought counseling for this, but my councilor dropped me due to lack of progress which only fed into my deep feelings of insecurity and rejection. Any insights and opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Sat Jan 22 2011 4:36:44 #
swan
Member

Hi,
Something i do, i used to ask two close friends all the time if they were angry with me, until one occassion when they said if you say that again i will be angry. Still want to ask but i'm probably not as close to them now. I constantly seek reassurence in relationships, and analyse what i've said, worry what i've said go over conversation. I had psycotherapy but this was not helpful Cognitive behavioural therapy is best tratment for ocd. Have you been to dr's. I went to see my dr in the end and was refferred to a pyschiatrist who referred me for cognitive behavioural therapy. I still struggle but not so much with this. My ocd seems to change. All the best

Sat Jan 22 2011 6:57:09 #
BrCJ
Member

One thing I have learned from this terrible problem is that it comes across as inherently selfish behavior. Thinking about it, it becomes obvious that my own need for reassurance actually drowns others out in place of my own emotional needs. People become hurt and offended and wind up feeling unloved and unwanted by ME! By focusing on my own pain everything winds up being about my feelings, my sensitivities; as a result others become hurt. Talk about irony.

I will try an look into that form of therapy.

Sat Jan 22 2011 17:04:01 #
Tess
Member

Hi BrCJ
I sympathise totally - you have just given a perfect example of how OCD can wreck relationships and appear to others as outright selfishness. Even after 37+ years of marriage my husband still complains at times that my behaviour makes him feel unloved and unwanted - and yet nothing could be further from the truth. I don't know how to help you with this one, other than to be honest with your partner about how you are feeling and to encourage them to learn about OCD. You understand the problem, you can see the damage it is doing but you can't change your mindset. I agree with Swan, your best course of action now that you have a diagnosis is to have a chat with your GP with a view to starting therapy. My husband and I had marriage guidance which was very helpful because you can explain exactly what is going on in your head without the risk of it escallating into a heated argument because there is a third party present to keep a lid on the emotions.

Sat Jan 22 2011 18:19:31 #
aronralstonismyhero
Member

I empathise also. My mum is very patient with me, and I love her so much, but when I am in the grip of this thing I come across as self obsessed. It is not the case. I am a very loving and caring person who is very sensitive to other people, it just doesn't always come accross that way because of the terror inside me caused by the ocd. CBT should help you a great deal, and you absolutely need to give youself a break and stop beating yourself up. You are dealing with something exceptionally complicated here and it makes existing with others tricky. You know you are a good loving person.

I wish you luck and light

Sun Jan 23 2011 14:51:44 #
BrCJ
Member

I have tried doing something different to aid me in coping. I have started to write down everything positive I hear people say. If someone says "I love you" or "your a wonderful person" or "That's why you're my best friend!" I write it down with their name and date it was said.

I know this also sounds Obsessive, but it really gives me a library of reassurance to draw upon when I feel compelled to start prodding and smothering people.

I try to keep it as accurate and "word for word" as I can. And when I look back and read it, it does actually make me smile and help me realize how much people do love me, even if they don't say it the way I want them too or as often as my obsessive mind would like.

If my mind starts to work along the lines of "I said this... why didn't they say that back or say this instead? Are they mad at me? Do they secretly think I'm a jerk? Did I offend them? Oh my god, what if they hate me now!". Then I reach into my library and read what kind and loving things that person has said to me in the past. It really helps with the pain and doubt.

Mon Jan 24 2011 20:23:22 #
aronralstonismyhero
Member

That sounds really effective. Good on ya!

Mon Jan 24 2011 21:55:12 #
kchambo
Member

Hi
I'm new to this but i just put a thread on myself as i'm in a very similar position and can relate to this whole heartedly. You aren't alone. I literally read your article and thought - That's me!!

I'm at the point where I feel i'm literally 'pushing' my boyfriend away as i'm so worried about how he feels about me. I have no evidence that i'm not the right person for him but because I obsess so much over things, I do sometimes feel in danger of losing those closest to me.

I try to take one day at a time and think actually, if this relationship isn't right, it's for a reason that it isn't right. Try to be as open as you can about how you're feeling. Men sometimes find it hard to keep reassuring women especially the same things but if he isn't understanding and you've been honest as you can, perhaps its not the right relationship for you. I'm in the same boat... I'll keep you posted...

Let me know how you get on
xx

Fri Jan 28 2011 13:41:36 #
BrCJ
Member

Thank you for your replies.

I am sad to report that things have taken a turn for the worse in a very important relationship. I sent an un-advised Instant Message to a person who once told me "I am the most amazing woman I've ever met". The IM itself wasn’t meant to be pushy, but it was not as tactfully done as it should have and when viewed through the lens of previous problems, seemed to be yet another exasperating poke in their eye.

They in turn emailed me showing their documented information of how often I pressure them for time and attention despite their constant reassurances that they are not avoiding or ignoring me and how I'm behaving seemingly ignorant of the demands of their busy life. This person is not accepting calls or communications from me at the moment.

Since this person will not speak with me, I'm not sure how I'm going to go about repairing this relationship. I suppose all I can do is give them some space maybe a few days and try to contact them again with an apology. At some point one begins to wonder how many apologies one is allowed. This would be probably the third major apology in the last month I'd had to offer to them.

I am deeply concerned that this person may indeed choose to end our relationship. I sincerely hope I can have faith and trust in the words that they have shared with me in the previous few weeks. And sincerely hope that this will not be the final straw for them.

Tue Feb 1 2011 2:02:04 #
dippy
Member

hi i dont have ocd but my daughter does shes 11 if something happens she says that idont love her or want her the other night she said she was going to drown herself or get someone to kill her. this breaks my heart. i love her more than anything in the world. shes sorry and break down afterwards and then it switches to how horrible she is, and needs reassurance that no matter what i always will.its not her its the monster inside her head.its very scarey.I Think anyone who has to cope with ocd is a very strong person.good luck x

Tue Feb 1 2011 11:39:31 #
Truddles
Member

Hi BrCJ,

I sought counseling for this, but my councilor dropped me due to lack of progress which only fed into my deep feelings of insecurity and rejection.

I can totally empathise with you as I too have had this happen and not only with therapists but with my other Consultants.
Why don't they stop and think of what they're doing to us? If we're having a problem with feelings of being rejected them rejecting us just makes us feel even more insecure.
Stop and think was it actually your lack of progress or was it their inability to deal with your OCD. It's more likely to be the latter, as you've shown with your posts on this thread that you are motivated to get better.
Please don't give up hope of getting treatment, just because it didn't work out with one therapist it doesn't mean that it wont with another. It's like the saying 'You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince' Sometimes you have to try more than one therapist before you find one that not only understands your OCD but is able to work with you and help you to move forward

Hi dippy,

It's not easy when your child says those sort of things. But with OCD we can become desperate wanting to find a way to escape from the OCD.
Unfortunately reassurance initially helps to relieve the anxiety that the OCD causes but in the end reassurance becomes part of the problem and ends up creating even more anxiety.
There's a very good book that will not only help your daughter but will also help you to help her.

It's called Breaking Free from OCD: A CBT guide for young people and their families by Jo Derisley

It’s called a CBT Guide for Young People and Their Families and is aimed at younger people and their parents or carers. It’s well presented and is by no means boring and explains things simply but in depth and contains plenty of work sheets for her to work through. It explains CBT and how to do it – a lot better than some of the books for adults and I use some of the worksheets myself

At the end of each chapter there is information for the parent or carer giving them advice on how to help the young person with OCD. This book might help you to understand what your daughter is going through and more importantly how you can work with her to help her to overcome this.

OCD can affect the whole family and so this book encourages the whole family to work together to help the young person with OCD to gradually conquer the OCD.

OCD can make us feel very insecure and encouragement works much better than reassurance (however much we want the reassurance it doesn't work ) We lack confidence and self esteem and without both we find it difficult to deal with the OCD. Seeing a CBT therapist can help with this as well as the OCD.

Personally I'm finding that keeping a list of all the things however small that I've managed to achieve really helps. It means on the bad days I can look at it and realise that it is only a bad day but that I'm still moving forwards.

Hi kchambo,

Welcome to the forum

Tue Feb 1 2011 13:17:26 #
BrCJ
Member

Dippy, I can relate and understand the pain and frustration of your daughter. I am struggling to get a grip on my own OCD and I'm in my mid thirties, I can only imagine the immensity of dealing with this issue at the age of eleven.

When in the throes of this type of OCD, the amount of pain that one feels when they feel unloved or rejected (even though it is an unreasonable and unfounded belief) can be mind-blowing. When you envision an eleven year old girl dealing with this kind of psychological pain one can easily understand why she would resort to disturbing outbursts. At some point the pain becomes so much one may literally say or do anything to get the reassurance that will make it stop hurting.

Tue Feb 1 2011 18:43:33 #
AmeliaLouise
Member

I can relate to this so much. I have only been with my current girlfriend for little over a month, but constantly I ask her 'Do you love me?, 'Would you ever lie to me?' etc.

She's very good about it and tries to reassure me but I know it makes her feel bad when I don't believe her and it does make me very worried for the future of the relationship - I often feel like the OCD guides my feelings more than I do myself I don't think people always appreciate the impact that OCD can have on our relationships and those around us, not just ourselves.

Sun Feb 6 2011 2:31:30 #
Unregistered

I know reassurance is thought to be totally unacceptable by many, professionals and sufferers alike. I know people who rely on reassurance, yet will condemn it as a totally negative practise. I do wonder if these people are even aware that they are relying on it themselves!

I think to say reassurance is always counterproductive is wrong. I have good friends who wouldn’t cope without some reassurance. I also have friends who were at breaking point and have said without reassurance they may have committed suicide, due to the overwhelming fear that they are paedophiles etc.

When reassurance becomes almost constant it is obviously not working anyway, and it can certainly drive loved-ones away. As with many things in life, there needs to be a careful balance.

Sun Feb 6 2011 13:29:43 #