OCD Action

Citaloman
Member

Im feeling helpless, and im sorry to say it but i would be happier off dead. That was so hard too write, im at week 4 of fluoxetine and today indecided to take a week off from work. Nothing makes sense to me, who am i, what have i done, how can i escape this. The only good thing i can do is cry cry to feel alive.

Last wednesday me and the CBT therapist identified that i need to stop looking for reassurance from my parents, my gp, and the forum. I did for 3 days and felt like i was getting somewhere. It still bothers me that the therapist said we will do two routes, you have done something, and you havent.

To a person who is confused i dont know whether to think the 2nd thing i thought i did wasnt that bad and im worrying for nothing as i never touched anyone.

I was an am convinced in my mind that something happened and my mum said she was too when she was ill. But i dont believe her as i know she wouldnt do anything to anyone. I love her so much.

On the day i thought of it in 2009 when i was ill last time I said to my mum i had to think of a place and time and then i had one idea of what i might have done and the imagery was so strong of me doing it. But after hours or a day i knew i hadnt and then this other thing came in.

I remember sitting ewith my mum saying "i know i havent done anything", but now im not sure if i had forgotten or was lying or was trying to convince myself.

I read a thing on the internet about a man who had a thought he had done something to his daughter and instead of knowing he hadnt he could never remember not doing it.

I look at pictures of me from 2007 months after when i think i may have done something , could i have forgotten in 18 months whatbinhad done from may 2007 to jan 2009. I remember Having my bobble pulled of my hat in primary school for god sake.

Please this is not the time for accept uncertainty mantras.

Has anyone else looked back through their memories to search for answers only to find uncertainty and guilt. I know im not wired up correctly as when im really ill i think about friends with Cancer and such and think i want you to get better, for my brain to go "no you dont".

I thought today that i figured it out, that my brain gives me the opposite thoughts of what i want. But i cannot be sure, i cannot believe that chemicals can help this now. When i told my girlfriend at the time about wha i thought i had done it was like i was confessing and but as i got better apparantly i saw sense.

I so scared, i think about ending it all the time as a way out but then get scared that god will not accept me.

I really am loosing my mind.

Sorry

Mon Jan 30 2012 20:16:18 #
AlwaysWearingFlorals
Member

Hey,

Are you feeling any better? Remember there are people that love you and that you've taken a massive step to getting better by starting CBT - keep going! I know this might sound silly but I've found baking helps me refocus when I'm having bad spikes.

Hope you feel better soon.

Mon Jan 30 2012 20:51:54 #
Mike
Member

Citaloman,

I know it's easier said than done, but I think you really should just keep telling yourself that you're going to get through this. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're at an absolute low, as it was for me in July of 2010. But things WILL get better, they can't stay this way forever. I think you've only had a couple CBT appointments, and you said that you already started seeing progress after you stopped seeking reassurance, which is great! Just think that you will get better and better the more CBT you do, and eventually you'll get to the point where you will start to see that things are going to be OK. You just have to hang on for a little while.

Mike

Mon Jan 30 2012 22:02:25 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Citaloman, please don't end it all, we need you on here as much as you need us... Chat agin in just a bit, I have to answer the phone...
Wannabe

Mon Jan 30 2012 22:09:57 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi again... I agree with Mike on this, it just needs a bit more time... It is still early days yet, with the fluoxetine as well as the CBT... Please do give yourself more time... I know this isn't easy...
Wannabe

Mon Jan 30 2012 22:46:06 #
Citaloman
Member

So tired.

Mon Jan 30 2012 22:53:37 #
wannabefree
Member

It isn't easy my friend... There is a theory it is always darkest before the dawn, but it has been a hell of a long night for you... OCD is an absolute pain, and tries to make us feel guilty for anything and everything, regardless of gravity of the situation, so minor situations become massive in our minds eye... The hindsight allows things to go out of all proportion... Taking a week off work is a really good idea, cos it will give you space to get the rest you will need after facing all the stuff you've been facing... Take it steady Citaloman... I'm thinking of you at this time...
Wannabe

Mon Jan 30 2012 23:00:37 #
slogsweep
Member

As I said very very early days yet! I feel so sorry for you that you were put on the wrong medication for so long. You need to give the fluoxetine another month at least. Things will get better I promise you.

If you're not comfortable with the therapist's approach they are there to help you, so discuss it with him/her. Their main priority is to make you feel capable again not to scare you.

Hang in there and I fail to see how this forum can ever be a bad thing, compulsive or not.

Slog

Mon Jan 30 2012 23:06:44 #
Citaloman
Member

Thankyou everyone

Tue Jan 31 2012 10:42:15 #
Greytimes
Member

Hi there, please hang in there,I know the feelings of guilt and doubt that are racing through you,as I have them everyday.I know that other people without OCD just can't get their head round the feelings of doubt we have,they see everything so clearly and the favourite reassurance phrase of ' of course you didn't/ haven't ' that may be the case but obviously we can't feel like that as the thoughts have been etched in for so long. I haven't read any other of your posts yet,but please know that from a fellow suffering who has yet not plucked up any courage to seek cbt,although am getting close,I really do feel what you are saying,and it makes me panic when people say the past is in the past move on and live with the uncertainty......... That for me is not one of the options.
Take care,you are not alone in this however much it feels like it,many of us are the same.

Tue Jan 31 2012 13:22:51 #
aishah
Member

Hi Citaloman,

I really feel for you too, it is very hard to look to the future when you feel so bad. I have been in your shoes quite a few times and I remember thinking at the time that it will never end or get better....but it will.

We all have bad episodes here and we gain strength from each other as we all understand the suffering so please don't stop using the forum.

I don't think it is reasurrance seeking, it is a means of support when we need it the most.

It is early days in terms of the new medication, some people get relief in a couple of weeks but for some people it can take longer, maybe 6-8 weeks.

Hope you are feeling a bit better, and you are not alone, you've got us.

Best Wishes
Bridget

Tue Jan 31 2012 17:50:14 #
Citaloman
Member

Thanks Bridget, you are all I have anymore, my friends don't know, my family do and my mum has had the same. My ex girlfriend said today during a teary text session that she knows I have not done anything. I'm at week 4 of meds and I just want some peace. This forum is so much better than stuckinadoorway.com

If the meds work what happens?

Tue Jan 31 2012 20:00:15 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Citaloman... I wonder, cos I'm not sure that my meds are doing anything... I've had a lousy day today, and just feel valueless...
I'm hopeful that, when you're on the right meds, you'll lift up out of the pit of depression, and self-doubt, and feel happy... Genuinely happy... That is my hope...
Wannabe

Tue Jan 31 2012 21:39:09 #
Citaloman
Member

I was on citalopram for 3 years, if flu makes me better I will be angry and happy. I asked my doctor today if SSRI meds were placebo as I read something on the net that suggested the do nothing. She totally disagreed. Don't trust the net. Maybe you should talk to your doctor and ask about Fluoxetine. I was scared stiff of changing but things couldn't get any worse so why not, my mum has been on flu for years and years.

Tue Jan 31 2012 21:54:40 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Citaloman, that's the very one I'm on, I'm on Olanzapine at night too... Hopefully it will be okay once my CBT starts...
Wannabe

Tue Jan 31 2012 21:58:11 #
Mike
Member

I've found risperidone to be very helpful in reducing obsessions when added to an SSRI or SNRI. Risperidone and olanzapine are in the same class of medication.

Tue Jan 31 2012 22:24:51 #
Citaloman
Member

I'm really sorry to do this again, but I'm really scared and so tired of this now. I will admit I was feeling a little better but I worry that the better I get I will just persuade myself that I haven't done anything wrong.

My ex girlfriend I miss so much, she used to listen and then make me feel safe, we still text and she says that my rational side will start to take over more and more the better I get.

When I walk around the park I think "you wouldn't need to think twice" but the thing my brain rested on is so scary to me. To others it may be nothing.

I thought at first that I had poked my niece and then I thought something else. I remember everything from my life but was only 18 months ago in 2009 when I first thought of it.

I am so scared I will never be loved again by anyone again, how do you explain this and also how do you know you not lying to them. I couldn't bare be in a relationship with anyone else and feel like I was leading a double identity.

I walked for 2 hours in the snow yesterday and felt a bit positive but today it's all gone. I pray and pray that something will happen to help me either way. Either end it for me or let me be ok.

I keep thinking if I hadn't got past the poking worry and onto this I would still be worrying about that and not the other thing. It's all so illogical.

I'm going back to work on Wednesday and I'm worried about that too I think.

I have a need to do good to such an extent that I would donate my organs to at least give others a good life.

I feel so worthless and I'm not sure who I am.

Week 5 on flu this week. The need to be loved is so intense for me to exist. I cannot be alone for the rest of my life. I just can't. I asked my therapist "would you need to think twice" and she said what do you think.

Stuck in a doorway.com really scares me as its so abrasive in its approach.

Can OCD make you feel things are so real.

I'm
Sorry but I have no where to go apart my mums arms.

Mon Feb 6 2012 19:10:48 #