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Coffee break

Christmas Cracker

(69 posts) (7 voices)

Started 5 months ago by Nimrod
Latest reply from Tess

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Nimrod
Key Master

Merry Christmas everyone.

You are all invited to a party at Nimrod Castle on Nimrod Hill (see the My Hill thread for directions of how to get there).

This is the place to be for fun, jokes, silliness and to be merry. The drinks fountain will be there (all free) as will the fancy dress wardrobe so you can dress up how you like and change as often as you want.

Every one is welcome and it starts from now and goes on 24/7 until everyone goes home - so start posting your jokes and fun now. Looking forward to seeing you there.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Lord Nimrod, Lord of Nimrod Hill

Mon Dec 19 2011 22:20:56 #
Nimrod
Key Master

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK" he said, "but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in the theatre" he answered.

"What did he say" asked the nurse.

"'Oops!"

Mon Dec 19 2011 22:48:49 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The sprouts are on so let the fun begin and one of the things we look forward to is the sprout eating competition to see who can eat the most, then there is who can hold on longest without farting and the sprout juggling contest to see who can juggle the most and for longest.

Anyone got any more sprout ideas and other games?

Tue Dec 20 2011 9:39:08 #
Tess
Member

I hope Nimrod Castle is a nowhere near Hinckley Point.

Tue Dec 20 2011 11:26:34 #
wannabefree
Member

Why is it all the hats, out of the christmas crackers, are designed in such a way as to fit no one!!!!! They either fall off, or slide down your nose while you're trying to shovel some dinner in!!! Even sprouts, as the fork hits the crinkley paper... And then there's to things that come out of the crackers... Are they proudly made by someone... I bet they snigger at the place where the crackers are filled!!!
wannabe

Tue Dec 20 2011 23:14:00 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Get a new hat from the wardrobe. There are thousands in there.

Wed Dec 21 2011 9:46:12 #
Nimrod
Key Master

"I hope Nimrod Castle is a nowhere near Hinckley Point."

No, it's here http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/christmas-cracker#post-61836

Come on over.

Wed Dec 21 2011 9:47:22 #
Truddles
Member

Wow, once again the forum Christmas party is set in a winter wonderland.

The castle is set high on The Hill and is festooned with so many coloured lights that you can see it for miles. As you enter The Hill through the grand ornately decorated gates at the bottom you are met with a truly impressive site - a long sweeping drive lined with old fashioned street lamps leading up to the castle. Multicoloured lights are draped over the street lights from the bottom to the top of the drive. And although there is thick blanket of snow everywhere the drive has been completely cleared of snow.

When you reach the castle at the top of the hill you will find to the right hand side of the massive door a huge Christmas tree draped in twinkling fairy lights, brightly coloured baubles and miles of sparkling tinsel.
To the left of the door is a large notice stating ALL COMPULSIONS TO BE LEFT IN THE SKIP PROVIDED, with an arrow pointing to the skip (I’ve ~~nicked~~ borrowed Soxon’s skip to save hiring one )

You enter the castle through the massive door into a large entrance hall and on the right hands side is a special cloakroom, inside is a lady who waves her wand at you allowing you to choose what ever outfit you want to wear. So once you have chosen that special outfit you can then go through to the party. You can change outfit as often as you like

In one corner of the room is another large Christmas tree ornately decorated and covered in twinkling fairy lights and there are luxurious Christmas swags and garlands on the walls. A roaring fire in the large fireplace with comfortable chairs positioned around it and Christmas carols are playing in the background.

In the middle of the party room is the magnificent fountain that we had at the party last year, it's almost as big as the Christmas tree and is covered with hundreds of lights around the bottom, each light is a button for a different drink. It’s free and there is a impressive never ending banquet set out on the large table near the Christmas tree.

I’ve been reliably informed that from Christmas Eve onwards we will be able to stay over free of charge as there are plenty of guestrooms in the castle.

Well I’m going to help myself to a drink and a mince pie and am going to explore the castle to see if there are any changes since last year’s party and then make myself comfortable in one of the chairs by the fire.

Wed Dec 21 2011 16:21:00 #
Tess
Member

I'll come and join you when I feel a bit better, at present feeling a bit Tom & Dick after our support group meeting - took a huge bag of Christmas tree shaped tortillas, a dozen mince pies, a bumper box of shortbread biscuits and a box of Thorntons chocolates, then one of the other members turned up with a big box of chocolate covered mini swiss rolls. All washed down with mango and passion fruit juice, Shloer plus teas and coffees - just six of us and we nearly cleared the lot with a lot of hilarity, reminiscences and a new party game, how to strip the chocolate from the swiss rolls without dropping any. Any chance of a button on that drinks fountain for Alka Seltzer?

Wed Dec 21 2011 17:23:55 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Tess, glad your party went okay... I'm just about to sit in one of the comfortable chairs, while I pick up the courage to pick up something to eat, without washing my hands first... I know I can do it, but I just have to work myself up to it... There are some gorgeous things to eat on the table banquet... Just looking makes me really hungry...

Wed Dec 21 2011 18:27:52 #
Truddles
Member

To the left of the door is a large notice stating ALL COMPULSIONS TO BE LEFT IN THE SKIP PROVIDED, with an arrow pointing to the skip (I’ve nicked borrowed Soxon’s skip to save hiring one )
The great thing about the Forum Christmas Party is that we dump our compulsions in the skip at the door that way we can do absolutely anything without the OCD butting in. So at the party you'll be able to pick up the food etc without giving it a second thought

new party game, how to strip the chocolate from the swiss rolls without dropping any.
I'd be no good at that I'm forever dropping food

Wed Dec 21 2011 18:42:34 #
Nimrod
Key Master

new party game, how to strip the chocolate from the swiss rolls without dropping any.

For the more adventurous there is a new party game "How to strip" (upstairs, 3rd door on the left - knock twice). Well, there is something for everybody at the party!

Wed Dec 21 2011 20:53:54 #
Soxon
Key Master

Don't be fooled by the above post - Nimrod is trying to get the castle decorated on the cheap

Wed Dec 21 2011 21:01:25 #
Nimrod
Key Master

During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:

"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

Thu Dec 22 2011 10:09:39 #
Tess
Member

3rd door on left -
KNOCK KNOCK

Thu Dec 22 2011 12:35:23 #
Nimrod
Key Master

OK Tess, you're in. Show us what you know about stripping!

Thu Dec 22 2011 21:27:20 #
Tess
Member

Have I come to the correct room? I have a docket here to deliver a drinks fountain.

Fri Dec 23 2011 12:46:04 #
Truddles
Member

It was delivered the other day and is in use in the party room, it's the same one that we had last year Sorry that you've had a wasted journey, still stay and have a drink and some food

Fri Dec 23 2011 12:50:24 #
Tess
Member

Ah yes, that was the basic version, this is a special order for Lord Nimrod to be delivered to Room 3, it has all the features of our standard fountain but this spa version incorporates the drinks fountain within a hot tub and jaccuzi for up to 20 persons with stands around the edge to hold the drinks glasses. Lord Nimrod also specifically requested our latest lighting feature which all our clients particularly enjoy as the chandelier is mounted on a pole in the centre of the hot tub and provides facilities for dancing. I do hope Lord Nimrod will be pleased with our service this year. As part of our ultimate client satisfaction service the dancers he requested will be following shortly in their specially commissioned reindeer sleigh.

Fri Dec 23 2011 14:16:09 #
Nimrod
Key Master

I don't remember ordering anything like this. Have you been at the drinks fountain Tess?

But on the other hand if it is something you want to put on to show your talents to my guests - then be my guest.

Fri Dec 23 2011 20:12:20 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Time for a joke.

The bus conductor
The conductor while taking fares pushes one of his passengers off the bus and kills him. At the trial he is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to death in the electric chair.

As a last meal he asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly eats.

They sit him down, plug him in a send a million volts through him. When the smoke clears he is sitting there, right as rain. Checking through the statutes the courts find there is no choice but to release him.

The chap goes back to his job on the buses and lo and behold allows another passenger to fall to his death. Once again he is found guilty and sentenced to death.

At the prison he again asks for a bunch of green bananas fro his last meal which he duly receives and scoffs down. In the chair again and this time he is zapped with 2 million volts. Smoke clears and to the surprise of all there he sits, right as rain.

As before he goes back to his old job. Through a combination of stupidity and sheer malice he yet again allows another passenger to fall to their death. The judge has no choice but to find him guilty and sentence him to death so off he goes again to the electric chair.

As you may have guessed he asks for his bunch of green bananas (getting predictable now) eats them, gets strapped in, 3 million volts and yep, he's right as rain.

The executioner, who is really ****** off by now, approaches him and asks what the secret is, is it (as he suspects) the green bananas that save his life. "No" replies the prisoner "I'm just a bad conductor!

Sat Dec 24 2011 10:01:15 #
Tess
Member

Lord Nimrod, I will be delighted to be your guest but I am rather partial to your sprouts and I'm afraid these are not compatible with use of the spa facilities. So I will just join Trudy and Wannabe for a nice hot toddy while the sprouts are cooking.

Sat Dec 24 2011 11:28:09 #
Tess
Member

PS I've just seen that pesky fox sneak into Room 3 and chase the dancers up the pole - now he's stripped off his waistcoat and breeches and he's soaking himself in the hot tub and mumbling something about black grouse.

Sat Dec 24 2011 11:34:41 #
Soxon
Key Master

And great fun it was too

The soak in the hot tub was really relaxing. But when I got out there were no towels It took me quite a while to realise that there was a drier in the corner just like a giant hand drier, dried me in next to no time, only thing is I now look like a giant pom pom on legs I'm off to find someone else to chase and then I'll be back
BTW has anyone seen my Christmas Stocking? Only I left it here last year and it's my favourite

Sat Dec 24 2011 16:32:35 #
Tess
Member

Didn't want to tell you this but Lord Nimrod has taken it to lay a scent around his estate ready for Boxing Day. Speaking of which all the staff of Morrisons were in hysterics this afternoon after an elderly gent dropped one next to the reductions counter and cleared the aisle while he filled his trolley.

Sat Dec 24 2011 17:37:19 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Fancy dress
A couple were invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with every nice woman he could and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally, since he was her husband!

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?" she asked.

He replied "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

Sat Dec 24 2011 20:01:32 #
Nimrod
Key Master

It's here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

Let your hair down and enjoy the party.

Nimrod,
your friendly forum Santa

Sun Dec 25 2011 9:23:37 #
Soxon
Key Master

Good morning and a Merry Christmas to you all

I found my stocking just in time late last night, it was covered in mud and had been discarded in the stable block. How was Santa going to fill it in that state?
I took it to the lady in the special cloakroom and she waved her magic wand to clean it. Good as new.

I hung it on the mantlepiece above the fire in the party room in anticipation of all the goodies that would be in it today.

What was in it? You'll have to wait as I'm going to take my time emptying the bulging stocking, think I'll sit by the drinks fountain to do it.

Sun Dec 25 2011 9:23:43 #
Nimrod
Key Master

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
´cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £500 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour, the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to Accident and Emergency
took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and two stone since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

Sun Dec 25 2011 9:26:47 #
playthoseblues
Member

Merry Christmas to everyone on the site. Thank you for the help you have given me over the year. You're a great bunch of people, have a good time

Jon

Sun Dec 25 2011 10:20:21 #

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