love brennie x
p.s. i know i'm a waste of space
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Hi brennie,
You are not a waste of space, going into hospital is going to be scarey but it is the best in the country. Give it a go i know its scarey im waiting to start outpatient treatment which i know isn't the same im scared of that but have decided that i have to go if only because ive got funding agreed. The hospital wouldn't have accepted you if they didn't think they could help you. If you want to give me the full address of the hospital i'll keep in touch by writing to you.
I'll also pray for you.
Love
TeresaMon Jun 9 2008 5:09:40 # -
UnregisteredDear Bren, I agree with Teresa, you are most definitely not a waste of space. You are a very special person who is always helping others.
If you do change your mind and feel the journey is too daunting I really am happy to take you. Driving is one of the few areas where I function normally!! If you went, but at any point decided the Bethlem was too much, I'd be happy to take you back home, you wouldn't have to worry about coping with the trains. However, I know that it's the actual stay at the Bethlem which is really frightening you, and I do completely understand.
I would talk to the psychiatrist who did your assessment and ask him honestly what he thinks your chances of improvement are, given how ingrained your OCD is. When you read out certain parts of his letter to me I could tell they alarmed you, they would have alarmed anyone. I really think you need to discuss those remarks.
You know that your family supports your decision and you realize how worried they were about your treatment at the Bethlem. They were reacting much the same as mine were. Our families know us better than anyone. Do not feel upset by any comments you may receive saying that you should definitely have gone to the unit. No-one knows you better than you and your family, Bren. Each of us is different, as you and I have learned over the years! I spoke to two psychologists about my possible stay at the Bethlem. Both were experts on OCD, one is an OCD sufferer, and neither could give me a definite answer, neither said I should certainly go and give it a try. Both realized that my reaction and the outcome are unknown. The first one I paid to see privately (he had given me therapy in the past) and after an hour he still hadn't reached a decision, he then told me that it might be worth trying it on a day to day basis, leaving if I felt it was all becoming too much. That's a difficult thing to gauge because, as we all know, most of us get worse for a while when we face therapy. If we stopped at that point we wouldn't know if we would have eventually improved, so the advice about stopping if it got too much was a difficult one to follow. The other psychologist said he thought it would probably be worth a try, but he had already stated that therapy doesn't always work and can cause more suffering.
I would leave it open for a while, Bren. Talk to the psychiatrist you saw, he might help you. Whatever you do, please don't beat yourself up over this.
Love, Tricia xMon Jun 9 2008 10:42:32 # -
Hiya Brennie,
Sorry to hear you that you didn't think you could go through with it
I know for sure that I couldn't go
You're not a waste of space though - you help loads of people on here - and I think you're kewl
Maybe it's something you could think about for the future
Take Care
Nicola XMon Jun 9 2008 13:34:12 # -
Hi brennie,
I agree with everyone here. You're certainly not a waste of space! You've helped me out so much, and you've helped out so many people on here so you can't be a waste of space.
It's really scary but don't give up on yourself.
I shall be sending you all my love!
Hester xxMon Jun 9 2008 18:18:22 # -
Brennie
As Hester said, you are not a waste of space, you've helped so many people on here, and made me feel so good about myself when I put my story on here a few weeks ago.
But don't throw away your chance of going into hospital, it is the one thing which could really help you, and give you some real quality of life. If you throw it away, you may not get another chance, at least not for a long time, and you will also regret it.
Of course you're scared, we all have to face fear at certain times in our lives, but I believe that nothing worth doing is easy. You're only afraid because it is something which is important to you and worth doing.
Go into hospital, it may turn out to be a great experience, and you'll wonder what you were so worried about. Don't forget we're here to support you as well.
Go for it, Bren.
Best wishes,
Steve xMon Jun 9 2008 20:38:39 # -
Hi Brennie
You are not a waste of space. You are a kind and wonderful person. You reached out to me when I really needed it and I will never forget that. I'm sorry you feel you can't go through with going into hospital but as you know I'm facing going into hospital myself and I really don't think I can do it either. I hope whatever decision you make is the right one for you and you are definately not a waste fo space. Take care my friend
DanielMon Jun 9 2008 23:26:26 # -
Hi Brennie,
You are not a waste of space at all, you welcomed me warmly along with others when I posted a while ago which really did help
I still haven't been able to post about my ocd but I thought I should post to give you a little encouragement. Do whatever you feel you can and don't feel bad about the decision you make, lots of luck and warm wishes to you if you do go into hospital (and if you don't)! xxMon Jun 9 2008 23:33:57 # -
Tricia, Teresa, Niccola, Hester, Steve, Daniel, Curlygirl, Sid.
Thank you, Thank you ALL for a responce that i did'nt think i would get or deserve from you all.
What i was expecting was for you all to say that i was an ungrateful bitch !
I know more than anyone just how much i need to go into the Bethlam Royal Hospital for intence treatment but please believe me everyone the decision not to go in has not been easy for me infact i have just had the worst 4 days of torment in my life.
I am nearing 60 yrs of age , out of those 60yrs has been 48yrs of sheer hell of suffering and battling with OCD,
This may sound stupid to you many of you but i need to explain myself ... the fear of going into hospital is because after all these years of suffering i am afraid that OCD is "who / what " i am its a part of ME now ! the thought of changing me at my age is terrifying me because this is me and what i have become , i'm not sure if i would even like the person that the hospital might change me into .. i know that sounds crazy but thats how i feel and as you are all aware honesty is my only policy.
I am afraid that after 48yrs suffering with this mental torture it has become so INGRAINED in me that i feel i must live my life out with it .. i was told many years ago that my OCD was untreatable because i had been a sufferer for far too long before i was diagnosed , but dont forget in those days OCD was not a recognised illness and it definately was not talked about , well not by me because i kept it secret till i was nearing 50 yrs because i really did think i was controlled by the devil.
I really need for ALL you young sufferers to speak out and seek as much help and support from CBT, Phsyciatrist, Doctors, Inpatient / Outpatient Hospitals to get the care you need to fight this dreaded awful wicked evil illness ... PLEASE all of you dont do as i did and wait till its too late that it gets so ingrained that its too difficult to face treatment, this is the wrong way, the right way is to look forward and seek every treatment possible, it does'nt mean that because i'm a failure it can happen to anyone else " it wont " ... this is only MY experience !
Thanks again for your loyal and kind words my friends,
Love you all
brennie xTue Jun 10 2008 6:13:28 # -
Hi brennie!
AW that made me feel sad! I was thinking yesterday how there is something in the mind of us OCD sufferers well certainly in my case that prevents us from brushing off intrusive/unwanted/daft thoughts quickly. I think that is the main problem, I think there is something in our brains that is different to other people. It is a constant battle to catch up to the fact the thoughts are the OCD. I could handle the contamination fears, everything else but it's the OCD itself that drives me crazy. I can be real happy and then the OCD starts up and I feel almost suicidal! I am trying to work on positive thinking now and not allowing myself to watch the news or read papers too much so as to keep a certain amount of negative stuff from coming into my head in the first place because I think it's all the negative stuff that circulates in our heads and comes back as OCD if that makes sense and there's enough of it in our heads already.
Luv NatashaTue Jun 10 2008 9:34:54 # -
UnregisteredBren, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! I don't know how you have coped through most of your life, with the severe symptoms you have, not even realizing you were suffering a recognized condition. You battle on regardless.
I would still not make a firm decision yet. I think you need to discuss with Debbie what you have written here, about your fear of changing, how you only really know yourself with OCD. I still think it's worth discussing the details of the letter with the psychiatrist who gave you your assessment. Ask him to be completely honest with you. A person undergoing treatment for a physical illness is told the possible outcome of different kinds of treatment, so that they can make an informed choice. If he says the chance of deterioration is very slight and the chance of marked improvement is very good you may be able to come to a different decision.
Whatever you do decide, Bren, we are here to support you.
Love, Tricia xTue Jun 10 2008 9:59:11 # -
Tricia, what really bothered me was that a bed had been arranged for me at my local hospital just incase during treatment i was to worse apparently they do not have facility for continuous nursing.
QUOTE: If Mrs Melia's health deteriorates while being here at the Bethlam to a point that she would require nursing care we would have to send her back to her localteam as our unit only functions as an unstaffed hostel without continuous nursing support.
After considering all these factors plus my own reservations that i have mentioned above has made me think that perhaps the treatment is best left alone for ME PERSONALLY.
love brennie xTue Jun 10 2008 13:54:45 # -
Brennie
You may have suffered with OCD for all those years, but I don't believe it is too late. I'm pretty sure I've suffered with OCD since my childhood, maybe as far back as when I was seven or eight, because I can remember having symptoms then. So I've had my OCD for thirty years, and yet it is weaker now than it has ever been before in my life. Since I first began having CBT properly, which was the end of 2005, my OCD has diminished, even in the last 12 months. In fact even in the last 6 months.
Okay, your OCD may be a lot more severe than mine was, from what you tell me, but it sounds like you're going to receive some proper treatment at the Bethlam hospital. So with their help and your effort combined, even the stubborn stain which your OCD has become, can be removed.
The real test will be when you come out of the hospital, and back home, back to normal, but you may face that normality as a new, stronger, and more confident person. And don't be afraid of this new person who you will become. Even at sixty, it is not too late for change. And imagine a life free of OCD.....wouldn't that be wonderful?
And remember that you'll have our support as well.
Best wishes, Bren.
Steve xxTue Jun 10 2008 15:43:22 # -
UnregisteredDear Bren, I am still torn, but of course I don't have to make this very difficult decision (I made mine in 2006, as many people here will remember only too well!). I don't know whether you want to keep problems within your family private, Bren. But no-one can know as you do the difficulties you'd face if therapy didn't work, or God forbid your condition deteriorates. If I were you I would still discuss that sentence with the psychiatrist. I would also want to know whether he feels that any deterioration would be temporary.
Steve, your message made me think that Bren should make every attempt at a life free of the worst of her OCD (I say 'worst' because I don't believe in 'cures', just improvement and maintenance, although I know improvement can be significant). Bren is such a lovely, special person and no-one deserves happiness more than she does, she's lived a life of absolute hell. I do recall Professor Salkovskis once saying that it is never too late, as you said, Steve. However, all the experts I've spoken to stress that when our symptoms are so ingrained we are very difficult to treat. Steve, you are right we will all support Bren here, whatever she decides. However, we are not with her and support at a distance, no matter how well meant, is not sufficient when the going gets really tough.
Bren, I just pasted an article for Jason on his thread. Fred Penzel is one of the very best, as an OCD expert and as a human being. I have a friend who has met him several times and she has nothing but praise for him, and another who he was kind enough to communicate with, he helped her with her OCD more than her own psychologist could. Something Fred Penzel said struck me, he wrote that the hardest part of therapy is the day before you start. I can imagine the pressure you were under on Sunday. I also know how it feels to have family members so opposed to inpatient treatment. People said to me 'put yourself first now, do what you want' but they probably can't imagine how hard it is not only to face 12 weeks of intensive therapy but also the desperate pleas of family not to go.
I have received a couple of messages from people who believe I should not have written about deterioration, as this would put Bren off treatment. I must stress that the psychiatrist at the Bethlem has written to Bren's doctor about this possibility, as she has mentioned here. Obviously this really frightened her and I think it needs to be discussed. I think she has a right to know what her chances of improvement are. Both Bren and I have said that neither of us can afford to deteriorate and it appears to be a possibility. If she is told that possibility is remote and the chance of improvement good, she may be able to rethink. As I have also said, I think it's important to know whether any possible deterioration would be short-lived. The staff at the Bethlem are wonderful and so patient. I was shocked to discover that they would still take me, even though I turned down a place in 2006. Bren knows her options are still open. We both know that the Bethlem is the best place for treatment in this country, and possibly there is nowhere better in the world.
Love, Tricia.Wed Jun 11 2008 11:41:45 # -
UnregisteredP.S. I would also like to stress, and Bren will back me up here, that prior to Bren's decision not to go I had encouraged her 100% and not made any negative remarks about her inpatient treatment.Wed Jun 11 2008 11:45:22 # -
I think I put my post in the wrong place...Wed Jun 11 2008 12:18:35 #
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Tricia, thank you for all the kindness you have shown me during my trauma over the past few weeks.
You are a very special lady , i have never met you but you offered to escort me to the hospital for my treatment even though it could have jeopordised your own ocd.
Your offer to come to my home to travel with me for my addmitance was amazing.
You hold no boundaries in helping us sufferers which is incredible, thanks again for your support Tricia.
Even when i told you that i had made my decision that i could not go and face it , you shown me great compassion and understanding.
You are truly wonderful,
love brennie xThu Jun 12 2008 15:13:18 # -
Brennie
I think you are great! You are always one of the first to help others with kind words, advice, understanding and encouragement. My mum understands about 'the becoming a different person' bit - that is what she always says about getting help - she too has had severe ocd for most of her life.
Don't give up, maybe one day soon you will feel ready to give it a go.
Lots of love to you.
Lisa xThu Jun 19 2008 18:37:17 #
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