OCD Action

Greytimes
Member

Hi everyone,well not sure how to start as I have had this for so long now. I guess I have always had OCD from quite a young age although I didnt realise at the time. The biggest thing for me that seemed to trigger it off big style was around 18 years ago when I thought I had run somebody over,this I struggled with for about 4 years and then my life had so many changes and upheaval that the fears began to subside.This was until the next problem which stemmed from guilt over a same sex relationship.It was while I was at a friends house one night when we had been having a meal with her and my then fiancé,now loving husband.I guess the whole time I had been worrying about if my friend ever found out and what would she think of me as a person,and my fiancé too.Well later on that night my fiancé had to drive back to his house which was 2 hours away and so as I was staying over he said leave your phone on and I will ring you when I get back.so I went to bed downstairs and fir some reason even though I knew it would be at least 2 hours before he fgot back I kept looking at the phone and making sure that it was still on,now this is where it all becomes really scary for me and for the past however many years now I can't get this one thought out of my head....it actually makes me feel sick constantly,I'm not sure but I have the overwhelming feartaht I had crept up to her daughters room and done something inappropriate to her while she was asleep so that nobody or the girl knew as she was asleep.The thing is I do remember going to the toilet downstairs but don't or can't remember going upstairs ....it seems like even all these years later it gets worse as I know I will never be able to know for sure.I used to say to myself the girl would have woken up or would she.... I try and remember every detail what sort of curtains bedcover or even nightwear but I can't .I just want to not feel like a sicko every day and all the time say to myself well if you didn't do it,then why do you think it? I couldn't live with myself if I did,maybe I lost control in that moment? If only somebody had a video on me all night to show me I didn't do anything.The saddest part for me is that I have got a wonderful husband,2 great kids and yet feel that I don't deserve any of it and feel constantly in a ring of guilt......I really just want to be able to relaxan enjoy my kids again without the guilt,without them I'm not really sure I would be holding it together at all.I guess nobody has the answer for me and I'm not expecting one but I don't know what to do now I just the proof one way or the other which I'll never get and so don't think even tablets would help me as I would feel would haide my guilt. Thanks for listening to me and sorry I posted on the wrong section earlier,my mind isn't working very well at the moment,still I have to go to work soon, a huge challenge when I don't even feel I can look at anyone in case they see my guilt

Fri Jan 27 2012 10:47:32 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Greytimes -

first: a heartfelt welcome to this site.

I really admire your openness. You paint a whole picture, about something that's been bothering you for such a long time. I feel sorry for you, because you so obviously don't deserve that burden of guilt and shame.

I think that carrying it within you, and keeping it to yourself has aggravated these negative feelings about yourself in a major way. Worries that we have to swallow in all of the time tend to spiral out of control, because they aren't kept in check by 'the world outside', I mean: by persons close to you, and/or by a clinical expert. They go lead a pretty harmful life all of their own.

I am convinced, going by your story, and also by having read numerous reports here that are similar, that you did not do that what you fear so much. This highly intrusive and unwanted obsession could, according to yourself, be done away with if you had a video as proof that you didn't do it. But, and that is my idea: even if you had a recording, and even if you would manage to get at ease then, your disposition for feeling guilty could attach itself to some other fearful fantasy.

So my advice: you would do well to seek professional help. Your GP can refer you to someone who's specialised in approaching and treating such awful false memories - and should you be wary of this, believe me: you can be helped with this.

Sharing your worries with someone is an important first step. It will remove your sense of loneliness in the matter, of isolation from the outside world. Now, I'm not in the position to predict how telling your husband about it would work out - but I sense somehow that he, should you explain it all in full, as you did here, would quickly understand that it's a nasty fantasy caused by some form of inner guilt, torment even, and also that he would give you his full support in every move you make to do away with your mental burden.

Please stay tuned, this is a great site, and I am sure others who had similar experiences will chime in here. And always feel free to send a private message, if you want to talk, but not on the open platform.

All the best, Cuthbert in Holland.

Fri Jan 27 2012 11:48:37 #
BT
Member

No one can know exactly how another feels, but I do believe that an old obsession of mine is very similar to yours. It’s also obvious that you have not done what you fear.

I have tried desperately to recall past events. I wish I had known then what I know now, for it always makes the situation worse. The thread below might be helpful. I’m short of time today, but would be happy to chat to you another day.

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/intrusive-sexual-thoughts-and-false-memories#post-40974

Fri Jan 27 2012 13:01:03 #
BT
Member

P.S. Cuthbert, you may be right that Greytimes’ husband could be very supportive and help her through this, but I have never dared to tell my husband about my obsessions, because I know he would not understand. The one time I attempted to it backfired badly.

I realise if a loved one is supportive it can be an immense help.

Fri Jan 27 2012 13:08:03 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi BT -

thanks for sharing your experience here. That is why I phrased it so carefully - I myself know how hard it can be to get others to understand the nature of OCD and of the burden it places upon a patient. Laypersons have a difficult time in grasping the lack of logic in it all: when I tried to explain someone that looking just the one time at an electrical socket, to see whether there was no plug in it, just wasn't enough for me, the other person couldn't believe that.

And indeed, I read a couple of stories here where one's partner really got upset, or reacted in a counterproductive and harmful way (e.g. by throwing unclean objects, like clothing, at a patient who suffered from contamination fears).

And your final conclusion is ace. 'Immense' is the operative word here.

Cheers, Cuthbert.

Fri Jan 27 2012 13:22:25 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

@Greytimes -

I hope you don't mind me having deleted a double post of yours. The same story as the one above appeared in this forum, still without replies.

Cuthbert.

Fri Jan 27 2012 13:29:24 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Greytimes,

I just wrote a long post but my computer crashed! Arrrgh!

Basically we have similar false memory OCD. It's really common and the guilt thing is symptomatic of our OCD sadly. It's horrible isn't it.

Here's a few links that'll hopefully get you started:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_compulsive

Good old Wikipedia has come through with a pretty good overview. I've read this hundreds of times.

http://hope4ocd.com/overview.php

Another good little overview but the best bit here is that picture of the brain scans. Absolutely concrete visual proof that this is medical!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Brain-Lock-Jeffrey-M-Schwartz/dp/0060987111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1327671018&sr=8-1

Mine and my therapist's favorite OCD book. Though some people think the four steps are compulsive, I think they are good for getting started in the fight against OCD. The description of why OCD occurs is brilliant. It isn't patronizing, it's informative, honest and calming.

I really must urge you to reconsider medication. It's taken a couple of months but it's made a massive difference to my quality of life and has got rid of most of the severe depression symptoms.

Message me anytime if you're struggling. Remember we're not alone!

Slog

Fri Jan 27 2012 13:33:12 #
Unregistered

I've had thoughts very similar to this. I had a vague memory of some girl that I thought I had slept with when I was on drugs. I spoke about this with my psychologist. I can't remember much about it but I seem to recall carrying this girl from the lounge into the bedroom, taking all her clothes of and having sex with her while she was unconscious. Now here's the tricky bit. At that time I was in a really bad space. I had used drugs for numerous years, hadn't long tried to commit suicide by injecting bleach into my arm. I was about 8st at the time and took methadone on a daily basis. Used heroin on occasions as well. In talking to my psychologist I cam to the conclusion that a) I wasn't fit enough to be carrying a girl from one room to the next without banging her head off every wall b) opiates drop ur sex drive, I wouldn't have went to all that effort to have sex c) as I remember it this girl only drank one bottle of cider, she would have woke up d) taking someone from one room to the next and removing their clothes and having sex with them would have taken a great deal of effort. Even in all my times of using drugs I wasn't a bad guy. I would have realised that this was wrong. Sex was important but I would t have went to all that effort to have sex.

My psychologist said that I have likely taken a memory and as I have OCD I have built up this memory around my OCD. OCD works by giving us fears about hurting other people and by catostraphying events.

I am in a very fortunate position where I can speak openly to my wife and friends regarding this. None of them ever thought I had actually done this, although I thought accepting that I had done this was probably the best thing. All through this I can't fully remember doing this. I only have fleeting thoughts on it. The beauty of being part of a fellowship for my drug problem is that I am surrounded by people who r nearly as crazy as me. My wife, god bless her knows nearly every OCD thought I have had. She has never judged me, she has always been sympathetic, although she finds it difficult to understand.

In fairness I very rarely give this much thought. I have went on to other worries lol. There's always something to worry and obsess over in my mind. It does my tits in but it's an ongoing battle. Some days it's easier than others. I have felt slightly anxious writing this but it's for a good cause. And if everyone here has OCD then ur in a safe place. I write a diary. Maybe u should try it. I put my thoughts into this diary. I am usually feeling negative to begin with but once I've finished I can c my writing turning positive. Things can get out of proportion in my mind, I write it down and it seems to rid my mind of them

Fri Jan 27 2012 17:48:14 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi BD, thank you for your post... It is a good cause, cos it is putting me at rest too, and I appreciate that... I've got to get my writing computer sorted out before I can continue with it, I'm writing this on a netbook! I'm amazed people can communicate by text on tiny little phone screens... Ah well, such is the amazingness of technology!
I never actually got into the drugs scene when I was younger, probably more by luck than judgement, but I used to drink a bit as a student! And smoked too, but now I'm just on prescription drugs now, and I'm trying to manage on those with difficulty...
I look back and regret things that may or may not have happened in the past, but I tend to think I've learnt from it all, it is just how life turned out... That just has to be the same for everyone if we're brutally honest with ourselves... A powerful imagination can easily create memories and thoughts, and put things out of all proportion, and yes, I was gonna be an author, still may do, with the benefit of amazon kindle and the other e-book readers... It is a way into publishing without having to be famous first... I love writing, get a big buzz out of it...
You mention that you are surrounded by crazy people, me too to an extent, it's just a shame that when life becomes little more than a joke, I'm not really able to laugh at it... Maybe one day...
Wannabe

Fri Jan 27 2012 20:43:20 #
wannabefree
Member

Here's hoping all you other wonderful people are okay tonight... It has been a grueller of a day, and I'm tired now...
Wannabe

Fri Jan 27 2012 20:50:44 #
Greytimes
Member

Hi all, Firstly can I say thanks for the replies guys,it means a lot to know that even though you are all still suffering one way or another you have all taken the time and effort to reply to my post.I have taken your advice inboard and will consider maybe going to my GP before long to seek some counselling. I did see a clinical psychologist many years ago after the driving worry,not sure if it ever really helped they did something called rapid eye movement treatment but that didn't do a thing.I think the thing was that just after that my life had a lot of changes and so I never had any time to dwell on anything really.
I think that my biggest problem is the fact that whenever I think to myself ' ok you're feeling a bit calmer maybe you are a good person,not perfect but who is? Maybe you didn't do anything that night,so try and get along with life and enjoy your kids as they are the world to me' so I will feel ok for a while and then........ It just feels like I should be feeling.......guilty again. It seems like my brain can't handle me being innocent again and moving on. I would give anything for that magic wand and a CCTV camera to prove me innocent in all of this. What I would give for even a few hours without doubt . Oh well I had better try and get some sleep now,maybe one day..... Thanks again for the comments it means a lot.

Fri Jan 27 2012 22:58:45 #
Wombat140
Member

Good luck with the writing, Wannabe.

Welcome to the forum Greytimes. I know what you mean, OCD in all its forms just does not STOP... what I'd give sometimes for even a few hours' break! But if you do get (proper) treatment I think you have a good chance of things improving soon. Really.

If you meant eye movement reprocessing, that has a rather mixed record. There's some disagreement over whether it works at all. What definitely works well for OCD is cognitive behaviour therapy - see the page on OCDAction's website. If you haven't tried that before, then try it. And I wish you luck!
Wombat140

Sat Jan 28 2012 11:35:54 #
Greytimes
Member

Thanks wombat140. I think that my anxiety levels get so ridiculous at times that I end up in a real inferno of despair and misery.Cbt would prob be good for me to try,but I guess I'm worried at the same time that maybe I just did this awful thing and that I would just be trying to cover up and forget the past....I'm just not sure of anything at the moment. as soon as the alarm goes off in the morning my heart starts racing and my eyes are now hurting all of the time due to interrupted sleep.The biggest thing I still can't get my head around is why if I didn't.....am I so convinced I did do something wrong. To people I know and family,they think I'm such a laid back person....if only they knew that I'm in a dark place for most days,and could spend hours just crying.

Sat Jan 28 2012 19:49:20 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there... Thank you too wombat...
Greytimes, I sometimes wish I'd had a camera for times in my past... But thankfully, we are given the freedom to not be under cameras all the time... We are said to be innocent until proven guilty, but the absence of a camera leaves that room for doubt, almost as if we would rather be under surveilllance all the time... OCD creates false memories... If like me, you have a pretty powerful imagination, then your mind can conjure up just about anything... It is difficult when the media is full of reports of people breaking the law, and we judge ourselves harshly just the same...
try to leave it behind is a good thing, the past is gone now, and the future out of reach... Try to live in the now, as a natural human being... A good person who cares, otherwise you wouldn't feel so bad about your thoughts...
A lot of people in this world don't care, and seem to have an easier time of things because of that... I suppose the trick is to find a happy medium, but because we care so much, we find that nigh on impossible to do... You are a good person, with a loving family... You are a good person who, like most of us on here, just cares too much about what ifs... If you didn't care, it wouldn't trouble you so much... We care way too much about what ifs, which are unanswerable... Take it steady my friend...
Wannabe

Sat Jan 28 2012 20:33:57 #