OCD Action

DEAD!
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I eventually found it - I don't really like the building though - I didn't have any gloves or wipes and had to use my sleeve - and the door handle was dark so I couldn't see if there were any marks,

Anyway it went ok
He doesn't think I'm attention seeking - and if I was - I need to get a whole lot better at it - and he knows why I kept leaving and he said everything I was saying made sense

I have another appointment - he's really nice - but I don't know what to do
He said I need to live with some uncertainty - but I'm scared - and he stopped answering my questions

I don't know what to do though

Nicola

Mon Jun 9 2008 13:50:39 #
Unregistered

Dear Nicola, something you wrote reminded me of what I once nearly said to you a long time ago. I didn't want you to take it the wrong way, but we know each other well now, so I'll say it. If you are an attention seeker, you are the worst I've known!! I really hope you can get past that now, so many people have told you that's the last thing you are being.

Don't give up with these appointments yet, Nicola. You said he is really nice and it is very important that you like him. See how much he can help you. He is right of course, we all have to live with a certain amount of uncertainty. I can accept that with many aspects of my life, but not my contamination fears, so you know I understand how you feel. I know how frightened you are, but at least keep going for now and see if he can help the way you view things, he just might be able to, something might just click.

What questions did he stop answering, ones you had already asked and he'd replied to or different ones?

Love, Tricia.

Mon Jun 9 2008 15:28:56 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Hiya Tricia,

Lol yeah - you were thinking the same as he was then.
I guess it is a lot of people that have said that now

Well I don't like going there - and I don't like the area it's in either
I'll probably go to my next appointment - but I don't start anything properly until nearer the end of the year - so I'm not really sure what I'm doing next time I go.
The thing is - I'm still not sure what to believe and I could just be right - and of course the things I know now - they can happen - it's not impossible.

He said they were What if questions and he wouldn't answer them anymore - they were good questions though

Nicola

Mon Jun 9 2008 17:33:06 #
brennie
Member

Nic , hiya i would just like to second everything Tricia has said to you ,
You did really well going for your assessment today hunny, the questions you asked which he said were " what if " questions so what ! ... these were questions that might not have been important to him as a therapist BUT were very important to you as a patient.
I hope you are o.k. after this assessment which i think is an ordeal because we go over and over words that have been spoken , dont we
luv brennie x

Mon Jun 9 2008 17:48:37 #
Hester
Member

Hi Nicola!

I'm so glad you managed to go in for your assesement! That's really great news. You should definitely keep trying to go to your appointments. It's always a bit akward to begin with when you go to a new therapist because they're still trying to get to know you and to understand what they can help you with. After a few more appointments I'm sure things will start to become more comfortable and you will be less scared.

Well done to you!
Hester xx

Mon Jun 9 2008 18:24:22 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Thanks

I'm just really scared because I'm so confused and I know I'm not totally wrong about things
I don't know - maybe I'm really not ready

Yeah Brennie - they were really important questions
I always go over everything

Nicola

Mon Jun 9 2008 20:32:23 #
OCDLONELY
Member

Hi Nicola
I just wanted to say well done for going to you assessment. I know how scared you were. I hope going gets you all the help you need. Take care

Daniel

Mon Jun 9 2008 23:32:09 #
anxiousgal
Member

Hi Nicola

I get funny about buildings too. Your therapist is right you do have to live with some uncertainty, in fact the only thing you can be certain of is uncertainty I have noticed, no matter how hard we try and avoid things that trigger off our OCD something always unexpected happens doesn't it?! Sorry to hear he didn't answer all your questions, maybe he can answer them next time you see him?

Luv Natasha

Tue Jun 10 2008 9:50:30 #
Unregistered

Dear Nicola, Someone doesn't want me to write to you today, I struggled with my e-mail to you. I just wrote a long message here and when I clicked on 'preview' I got the following message (mine has been deleted): General Error
Unable to remove files within ./cache/. Please check directory permissions.

I haven't got time to re-write it all, but I'll come back later or tomorrow.

Love, Tricia x

Tue Jun 10 2008 10:18:55 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Re PMs:
There is a limit of 40 Private Messages that can be stored in a users mailbox. If the recipient has 40 PMs in his/her box then no more will be sent until some have been deleted. This is because the server will become full of stored PMs. If you want to keep PMs then you can copy and paste them to your own PC's drive.

I am not sure with this version of the software if there is a limit on the size of a PM that can be sent, I don't think so, but due to the complexities of the way the software works if you want to sent a large PM it may be prudent to prepare it in a word processor or similar format on your own PC then copy and paste it into a PM.

To avoid potential problems and loss of PMs it is good practice to periodically delete PMs from your mail boxes after copying and pasteing any you want to keep.

Hope this helps.

Caps

Tue Jun 10 2008 10:43:33 #
Unregistered

Caps, the message I lost was here on this thread, not a PM. I think the site was playing up yesterday morning as neither Bren nor I could get onto it for a while. (The e-mail I was referring to was from my Yahoo mailbox). Love, Tricia.

Wed Jun 11 2008 11:53:52 #
Hester
Member

That keeps happening to me. Sometimes it says "page cannot be found".

Wed Jun 11 2008 12:38:47 #
Unregistered

I'll try again, Nicola, if I can recall what I wrote!

You possibly aren't 'ready' for therapy, but I worry that the longer you leave it the more ingrained your problems will become. No-one can be forced to do therapy, it just wouldn't work, you've got to want to do it. I was told that at the Maudsley and given the example of a man who did not want to face therapy, but reluctantly did so for his family's sake. He didn't improve, even though he did everything he was asked to do.

You may be right with your concerns, although I really don't think the odds are as high as you feel they are, otherwise most of us would have HIV. We do live in a dangerous world, but for some reason our OCD is selective about what fears we have. For example, you and I don't worry about getting into a car (well only as to whether the seatbelt is contaminated!) and yet the risk of harm coming to us on the road is so much greater than the chance of developing AIDS from a door handle or other object. I would like to discuss the possibility with a scientist who is an expert in that field. of course such research (on our part) would be frowned upon by therapists. They would probably agree with you over the door handles but say the chance is minimal and you need to accept that and learn to live with it. What I have so far not been told is 'how'! What you also need to discuss with a therapist is your fear of contamination from blood, even if you were sure it was not going to make you ill. If HIV was eradicated, how would you then feel about touching door handles that you believed might have blood on them? I know you are like me and revolted by things, not just afraid of harm. This apparently makes us harder to treat, but I just wonder how much fear you would feel if you knew the blood was 'safe'. You see I am just as afraid when I know the contamination isn't going to harm me, and some people are perplexed by that.

I asked one poor unfortunate psychologist an awful lot of 'what if' questions and he struggled to answer them all. Some he laughed at, not because he felt they were silly, but because he seemed surprised by how imaginative we can be, he said OCD sufferers never cease to amaze him with their depth of thinking. However, he always replied by saying things like 'Well, yes, you may be right, but you have to take small chances in life, otherwise you'd do nothing.' I would respond by saying 'I am really not prepared to take that chance'. As you can imagine, although we got on well, the therapy went nowhere! Eventually I did go along with the exposure and response prevention, but because the cognitive therapy hadn't worked I made no progress. Your heart has to be in it.

Some therapists will ignore 'what if' questions. They see it as feeding the OCD, giving reassurance, which we are told is not helpful and hinders progress. I am surprised that your psychologist responded like that at a first meeting with you, though.

Have you asked whether you could see Doug again? Also, you said you were unhappy about the building and the area it's in, but how uncomfortable did you feel afterwards, and did the feeling last long?

Love, Tricia x

Wed Jun 11 2008 12:43:53 #
Unregistered

P.S. Sorry, Hester, you posted whilst I was writing to Nicola, looks as though I ignored you. Yes, that's the message Bren and I were getting. It happened twice today, too.
Love, Tricia x

Wed Jun 11 2008 12:46:23 #
Hester
Member

That's okay Tricia! What I said wasn't really related to this thread anyways.

Wed Jun 11 2008 12:57:51 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Thanks Everyone, but I don't think I'm ready for it

I'm scared and I don't want to make things worse
The building is next to a strip club thing lol, and there was a lot of broken glass, and just getting in, is bad enough, and it's not just me to think about, but my boyfriend as well.

There are probably a lot of people that have OCD and they're fine the way they are, well if it's really mild anyway â not severe, so I could be like them, if I try a bit more.

Tricia â I don't know how worried I'd be if I knew the blood was safe, I wouldn't like it, and if I knew there was blood on a door handle, then I wouldn't touch it. Even if there was no blood on the door handle, I still wouldn't touch it.

I tried exposure and response prevention once, didn't really work, was my own fault though because I didn't tell her everything, I was sure I had mentioned it to her, but she definitely didn't know.

I'd like to see Doug again- but I'm not sure if there is any point really

Nicola

Wed Jun 11 2008 18:26:03 #
Unregistered

Dear Nicola, Maybe seeing Doug again won't help, but it won't hurt either and I think it would be worth trying to see him again, he did say you could, didn't he? Be totally honest about all your thoughts and fears. I know I wasn't, years ago, when I saw a psychologist. There were things I omitted if I thought they seemed rather foolish, embarrassing or wouldn't make sense, so he didn't get the full picture.

You didn't say how stressed you were when you left the building on Monday and how long the feelings lasted. If the anxiety was short-lived I think you should go again. If you still feel very distressed about it then the decision is tougher, but you could go back and explain how bad you feel about the place or you could just ask to see Doug again, at least you are more comfortable with the surgery. Even if you feel you aren't ready to face exposure therapy, I would still see someone while you can. The cognitive therapy is probably more important than the exposure and you are receiving that every time you see a therapist. Do remember that the more open you are the more they can help you.

I don't think your OCD is mild, Nicola, but even if it were, it rarely stays the same. As people often say, if we give it an inch it will take a mile (and usually it does). I've got in rows on another forum over this very issue. A lady was prepared to live her life around her OCD and the strong advice was that she had to face it or get much worse. I did say that there was a slim chance she could cope by working around it, I knew someone who lived a happy life like that for many years. She avoided the things that triggered her obsessions and fears and she seemed content. However, her case was unusual. Also, she lived alone (because of her OCD) in a house in the country miles from anyone, and although she coped well with that, most people couldn't. Even if you stayed exactly as you are, do you really want to live the rest of your life as you are now? I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just that I am so worried about you. Only you can answer that question. I may sound a right hypocrite, because I am no longer facing therapy, but I have asked myself the question I asked you, and I am now content to remain as I am. However, if I were your age, I think my response would be very different. Of course, I can't say that with absolute certainty.

Do consider the future. You would make a wonderful nurse, but you cannot do that whilst you have the fears you have. You would also be a wonderful mother, can you at this point imagine having children and caring for them? I'll be honest with you, Nicola, our contamination fears are not that different, and bringing up my children was hell. It should have been the happiest time of my life, but every day I prayed I'd die because the fear was so intense. Maybe if therapy had been available to me life would have been very different.

Anyway, all I am saying is that you must try to think further ahead than today or tomorrow. What do you really want from life (imagining yourself free of fear)? I think with the right help, whatever it is, it's probably achievable.

Love, Tricia x

Thu Jun 12 2008 10:08:09 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Hiya Tricia,

Yeah Doug said I could see him again if I wanted, I was ok with the other place after I left, it was just while I was there, but I don't want to keep touching the button and the door handle, didn't have to do that at the doctors. I'll go to my appointment though, to tell him what I've decided.

Yeah the psychologist I seen said it would get worse, not could get worse, but I think I'm kind of at the peak right now, because I've been the same for a while, so I don't think I'm going to get any worse.
Do I want to live the rest of my life like this â Yes and No
If I don't though â then I get AIDS, it will be a whole lot worse than it is now, and I don't want to live with AIDS.

I'm to scared to try and do whatever because I know what will happen, and right now I know that I'm ok

I know I'd suck at being a nurse right now and I couldn't even have any kids with all the germs everywhere, but even if I did I don't know how careful enough to tell them to be.

Nicola

Thu Jun 12 2008 21:31:28 #
brennie
Member

Nic, if you were alright with the place after you left it and it did'nt make you dwell on the fear of being their, then perhaps it may get easier when you go next time to see Doug.

lve brennie x

Thu Jun 12 2008 22:20:37 #
Unregistered

I agree with Bren, Nicola, it was the reply I was hoping for. It means that you could respond well to exposure therapy. I react in an unusual way. For instance, you recall I walked to the hospital with a neighbour last October and felt really bad about it? Well, I feel even worse now than I did then. It is a most unusual reaction and I was hoping that you would soon feel less stressed about the building. That's how most people react to exposure.

You don't have to make any drastic decision yet, but ask to see Doug and go back to the other building once more to explain, as you've said you will.

You wouldn't âsuck' at being a nurse right now, you'd have more compassion than most nurses, but it would be hell for you (therapy as well, though!).

Love, Tricia x

Fri Jun 13 2008 12:20:46 #
DEAD!
Blocked

I have people telling me it's highly recommended and should keep going â then that I agree I don't blame you for cancelling your appointments (with Doug)
So I'm not really sure what to do

I guess if I have my gloves â I'll be ok with the door handle
It's more the doors than the building really

I want to try it myself and see what happens â then I won't have time to think about it â if I start with something big and just go for it, but I'm worried about what could happen if I do that, then again I won't know if I've just been lucky that time, or if I'm going to do something that's going to make my life a lot worse, so I'm not sure its the right thing to do.

Tricia â I understand what you mean about when you went to the hospital with your friend â I was only worried for a few days after I went â so I think I'll be ok with whatever I try â if I can anyway

Nicola

Fri Jun 13 2008 13:22:44 #
Unregistered

Dear Nicola, Sorry if I've been confusing you. If you can deal with the new place then I think it might pay to keep going for a while until you get to really know the new therapist and have a better feeling about whether you are comfortable with him. It certainly won't hurt to get another view, to listen to his advice, you can always ask to see Doug again at a later date. The reason I was more for you returning to Doug at one point was because you seemed so very anxious about the building you are now going to and I know you are happier with the surgery. As the anxiety was short-lived, if I were you, I'd keep going a while longer and see how it goes. Ultimately everything must be your decision, we can only say what we would do in your shoes and, of course, we can never be in your shoes!

If you are happier wearing gloves for now, then do that.

Hopefully we will talk soon.

Love, Tricia x

Sat Jun 14 2008 12:14:18 #
Unregistered

P.S. Just as well really, you'd never want them back (though I am very careful where I walk)!

P.P.S. It's only ten days until the nightmare of the concerts and I am really panicking, I'm already struggling to eat, I feel so nauseous with fear!! I hope Mariss Jansons doesn't ever come here, what would the poor man think?! Did I ever tell you of how one of the musicians from the orchestra stopped near to me prior to a concert, a couple of years ago. I was a nervous wreck and he smiled and gave me the 'thumbs up'. I wondered what he must have thought, I could imagine him turning to his friend and saying "My God, does she think we are going to be that bad?!"

Sat Jun 14 2008 12:25:31 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Hiya Tricia,

It's ok â I just have everyone telling me different things and I don't even know what I want. The thing is with that one if Mark can't take me there â then I have to either walk there and that would take about 1 hr 30 m - 2 hours â I'm not even sure how to get there, or get the bus or metro, and I don't use public transport for a very good reason â not since August 2006.

I have decided not to just do it myself though
I'll go a few more times then â I'll just use my eczema excuse it worked at college.

Lol yeah I'm careful where I walk â probably look like I'm dancing when I'm out

Ah yeah the concert â I hope you'll be ok when you get there, I was really worried when I went to see MCR â but I was ok when they came on â but if Mark had got standing tickets â I would have had people so close to me and pushing and Gerard would probably have thought that as well lol

Nicola

Sun Jun 15 2008 13:26:52 #
Unregistered

Nicola, I'm in a rush, so sorry for this being brief. It's OK using the excuse of the eczema at college and with other people, but if you mean you will say that to the therapist, then please don't, be honest. He is not going to be able to help you as much if you hide some of your fears and problems. Love, Tricia.

Sun Jun 15 2008 15:02:55 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Hiya Tricia,

Well I was thinking of not telling him, just in case he tells me not to wear them, but he knows I won't touch the door handles anyway â so he might be ok with it.

I need to go to the dentists as well â I haven't been for ages â but my wisdom teeth are hurting and my jaw hurts â I asked a dentist online and he thinks I might be grinding my teeth â so I have no choice â really worried about going though.

Nicola

Mon Jun 16 2008 13:49:34 #
Unregistered

Dear Nicola, My daughter has had painful wisdom teeth struggling to come through (the pain lasts a few days and then goes away, sometimes for many months). Her dentist told her that dentists now tend to leave well alone in most cases. In my day, wisdom teeth were removed at the first sign of trouble. My daughter was fed up with the pain and asked for one to be removed, which was half way through, but still her dentist insisted she wait. The first problems were when she was about 20, she's 25 now. She still gets some aching, but they do seem at last to be giving up, which is what her dentist said they'd probably do (there isn't room for any of them to come through fully). My son's wisdom teeth have also ached a few times, but they haven't started to come through and his dentist has also said to leave them as they will almost certainly settle.

I expect your main worry is about HIV. Do remember that dentists are very, very careful about hygiene and everything is sterilized. If that's your main worry, explain to your dentist and he/she will be able to reassure you. I have a friend who is a dentist and, trust me, they take every precaution now because of HIV.

Yes, the therapist may ask you not to wear the gloves, but it's still best to explain. It's never a good idea to lie to a therapist, and to be honest, Nicola, he already knows how you feel about door handles, do you think he would believe you for a second?! The truth is always best in these circumstances. If you feel you can't touch the handles without gloves, say so, but maybe he will be able to convince you to give it a try, perhaps he'll not put pressure on you over them to start with. Whatever he says, he won't force you to do anything. You are in charge, but do listen to his advice, he wants to help you, not put you through more torment.

Love, Tricia.

Wed Jun 18 2008 9:21:33 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Hi Tricia,

I have 2 wisdom teeth that are through properly - and 1 at the bottom that isn't, my friend had her wisdom teeth taken out - but it was really bad for her, like all day, everyday, then she was throwing up blood in the taxi after. Mine are like your daughters, and I would never get them removed.
I just want to make sure I'm not grinding my teeth, because this is different to just my wisdom teeth hurting.

Its HIV and the chair I'm worried about, just with everyone being there before me - unless they have covers now - I don't know.

lol he probably wouldn't believe me, but I don't want to touch the door handles - or have Mark touch them either.
Then again if people listened to me, they probably wouldn't want to either, but he wouldn't ask me to try anything yet, not until near the end of the year, I'm on the waiting list, so I'm not really sure what I go for right now.

Nicola

Wed Jun 18 2008 19:13:12 #
Unregistered

Dear Nicola, I know our anxiety can cause us to grind our teeth, I wake up sometimes and am aware I'm doing it. I don't know if I'm the only person in the country to be treated this way, but I stand when I go to my dentist's because I can't face the chair!! He is wonderful about it and actually jokes that checking my teeth is much easier on his back as he doesn't have to bend over!

You could always ask to cover the chair. Most dentists would understand , but it might be best to ask to speak to him or her first. My dentist friend has a couple of patients who are OCD sufferers who like the chair covered. By the way, some dentists will do home visits, but you probably wouldn't want that. My dentist classes me as disabled and he visits disabled patients at home. When he made the offer I was so touched, I didn't have the heart to tell him I couldn't have him in the house because of my contamination fears.

Your friend had an awful experience, didn't she. I think that's very unusual. I refused a general anaesthetic (in the 70s the normal procedure was a short stay in hospital and a general anaesthetic, I don't know if it's still the same) so I was awake throughout and found it a very simple process, even though mine were impacted. A very young dentist removed them and it is obviously all in the technique, because she had no struggle and their was no pain. The bleeding which occurred when she had to cut the gums, was all removed by her nurse and I had no bleeding afterwards. The sutures are the kind which dissolve.

So, regarding the therapist, does he just want to see you once more and then you will have to wait until the end of the year before you see him again and begin therapy? I know what you mean about touching door handles when you wrote '...if people listened to me, they probably wouldn't want to either...'. A news reporter was talking about that kind of thing and he said it was making him feel ill, so he had to change the subject. Ignorance can be bliss, Nicola, even though you and I don't see it that way, we would be happier if we could. There have been times when people have been less than understanding about something I do and I have been so very tempted to list out the details of why I behave as I do. I know some of them could be put off what they're doing!! But I do realize they are happy the way they are. A part of me really envies them their 'ignorance' and yet at times I think I am lucky to be 'aware'. Until I can envy them 100% I'm not sure I will overcome the OCD.

Love, Tricia.

Thu Jun 19 2008 11:26:43 #