OCD Action

mattwords
Member

Now this may be the OCD talking, but I often wonder whether it'd be easier to date someone else with OCD as they'd understand better - on the other hand would we just enable? thoughts please

Wed May 25 2011 22:32:22 #
Ratwomble
Member

My wife would probably not want me to

Seriously though, I don't know. My wife is definitely non OCD and it works well. I don't think I could have recovered as far and fast as I did without her. She also helped to keep the kids sane while I was ill.

David

Wed May 25 2011 22:34:31 #
Tiddlywink
Member

I have thought about it at least they would understand

Wed May 25 2011 23:14:32 #
mattwords
Member

exactly tiddlywink, they would genuinely understand how you feel, plus less embarrassment in explaining my background to them.

Thu May 26 2011 0:19:02 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Good idea. The pairing of an extreme hoarder and someone with contamination fears could lead to, um, interesting relational situations...

...just joking, folks. However, I do think the idea isn't bad at all. Someone with real understanding and insight, out of experience, can make a difference, I think. I found the most miserable and counterproductive encounters those with people who are meant to help you, but somehow, ultimately, don't 'get' the disorder. Even caretakers, family, and friends can take one's symptoms up to a point. And recently I read an honest article on OCD, from Germany, which stated that the illness is not a favourite amongst clinicians, to put it mildly. That is because it's quite often such a treatment-refractory affliction, with setbacks and relapses.

So, I think as a rule of thumb one may assume that people who have it themselves simply can better empathize.

There is a restriction: patients may seek someone with absolutely no trace of the disorder, maybe because they then experience their own problems as if reflected in some mirror. The risk is that the partner then can become a parenting figure, or a doctor, in the eyes of the patient.

Partnering two patients is, IMHO, potentially a viable idea, if both persons have come to terms with the limitations that OCD puts on them. Unrealistic expectations are always a problematic thing, and here it's no different.

Ciao, C.F.

Thu May 26 2011 8:04:59 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Sorry, I just saw a mistake in my post. Please read: 'A general problem with mental disorders is that patients may seek someone...', instead of: 'There is a restriction: patients may seek someone'.

Without an editing option, and when writing very fast, these things do happen...

Thu May 26 2011 8:08:38 #
Tess
Member

Hi folks
Dating someone with OCD is fine but what happens if the relationship becomes serious and both want children - would children have an increased risk of developing it themselves?

Thu May 26 2011 9:46:54 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Tess -

good question! There is a genetic component in OCD, but the very nature of that is still mysterious. I just downloaded an article with the most recent info; if I have the time I'll put the core of it re: genetics up here.

I don't think that the risk gets 'doubled', so to speak. But it is higher, is my educated guess.

On the other hand, there is this: monozygotic twins have been researched extensively in OCD. They share the same genetic make-up. But they may have undergone very different upbringings and life experiences. And thus it can be that the brains of both show the same 'abnormalities' (I don't like this term that much, but it's widely used). Yet one of the twins may show severe OCD, and the other may not. This implies IMHO that there is quite some 'space', 'bandwidth' in whether or not someone gets the disorder as a result of their genes... and then the environment (the factor of experience, perhaps the influence exerted by outside forces, skull trauma) comes into play.

A sketch: both potential partners have come to terms with their OCD. They know the pitfalls. And then it may well be that their progeny does have the mutations (single nucleotide polymorphisms[i], or SNPs, associated with OCD), but can grow up so safely and protected, that the illness gets no chance whatsoever.

But again: this is one of those questions where I pat myself on the head and say: d**n, why did I not come up with that myself?

Thu May 26 2011 10:20:36 #
Tiddlywink
Member

It also can be through socialisation that a child could learn the obessive behaviours of their parents.
Children learn through the socialisation of their family/ parents (primary socialisation) so if a child see's a parent check something many times, they may mirror or copy this behaviour. However this may not be the case of a couple with OCD.
Ocd dating sounds like a good idea to me.... I may join!

Thu May 26 2011 13:36:34 #
nettlenoo
Member

mmm well i think someone who understands would be good but i also think it could be bad my personal feeling is that if the other person had also had ocd it could increase anxieties make life harder in some ways. it so hard to answer this question. i do feel however that people with ocd shouldnt put off dating because of they ocd we all deserve love. just my ten pence worth

Thu May 26 2011 19:57:22 #
mattwords
Member

The genetic factor could be of concern to those yet to have children. My understanding is that the part of the brain affected is the same as autism spectrum disorders. But there needs to be an additional factor before autism or OCD are trigerred.

As it is I have one dd and she's my one and only as I can't have any more due to medical issues.

All I know really, is that I get lonely sometimes but feel it would be unfair to a "normal" person to take on me a dd AND the ocd esp if they have little or no understanding of it.

Thu May 26 2011 22:35:04 #
jessie
Member

Hi Mattwords,

This is a interesting post and have a little knowledge on this. As you have proberly seen from my posts I was with a guy 2 and half years defo a non OCDER and he made me alot worse the way he was towards me (he know about my ocd fully, never understood and didnt support me his idea was "you havent got that" which is hard to hear when you know you have and your dealing with it). So I vowed that I would only tell people close to me and if I ever got close to a guy.
Met this new guy never told him. He used to mention ocd to me which was rather werid considering people without it never speak about it. So once day he turned round to me and said "i swear you have ocd" so I just looked at him and he said coz I have I found it pretty amazing really ans I really could understand and relate to him and we shared out little habits and things together I thought it really brought us together. But I think he was in the denyal stage as he didnt accpet it I dont think whereas I did.

So my personall anwser is I think it would be nice at first but depends what stage people are at if that makes sense. But it was lovely to share my experiences with someone really close to me, but then it makes us very vunerable to getting hurt as they know us so deeply.

Fri May 27 2011 20:37:27 #
Tess
Member

Hi Jess
I think you've absolutely hit the nail on the head, we have to be able to totally trust the people we open up to because we have a vulnerability which non OCD sufferers do not have and, as you found out from your ex flatmate, it can be used against us in a very cruel and destructive way.
My first marriage was to a non OCDer, he had absolutely no concept of what it is like and dealt with it by burying his head in the sand, escaping into his employment and trying to solve problems as if the OCD did not exist. This approach was a total disaster. When I met the man who is now my husband it was evident he had suffered emotional trauma too and we had an immediate empathic bond. Our families thought it could never work because we came from such different social and educational backgrounds, yet 38 years on we remain soul mates. I'm not sure if my husband has OCD or not, after half a lifetime it is difficult to work out how much OCD was there at the start and how much has become habitual over the years. So I think partnerships between two people with OCD could work very well but only if each person's OCD complemented the others. There could be huge problems if the OCD worked in opposite directions.
But two people with OCD would understand the importance of trust and empathy and would be very unlikely to use the OCD as a weapon because of their own vunerabilty.

Sat May 28 2011 9:49:11 #
Ratwomble
Member

I sort of said this before, but I spoke to my wife about this thread and she made some excellent points.

Firstly, she was able to act as my cbt cheerleader (she came to all the sessions and was part of agreeing the goals). That she was there and ok when I was very I'll minimised the impact on the kids. And finally, she felt that she didn't need to have OCD to understand how devastating it was to me.

I would just say that think that Kate is my real soul mate. That I have OCD and she doesn't makes no difference. We love each other, and the kids, and that gives us the strength to get through my OCD and whatever other problems we may go through.

If we accepted that OCD people should only go out with OCD people, then should we also say that celtic fans should only go out with Celtic fans, or that diabetics should only go out with diabetics? That way they would understand each others problems!

OCD is a facet of our lives and is part of who we are. My wife doesn't share my love computers or fried food. I don't share her interest in shoes and crime thrillers. We meet in the middle on the important things (each other, the kids and star trek)

(this is meant to be a little Tongue in cheek, but I stand by the basic point)

Hugs to all!!!

David

Sat May 28 2011 15:12:08 #
josophie
Member

ive had relationships with non sufferers and it wasnt helpful at all.i think it depends on the partners view of the condition to whether they are supportive or not.single minded people are not helpful to be around,in my experience.i isolated myself with my condition and kept it to myself which in turn made it worse.i have thought about this alot and i think i would defenately give it a go

Sat May 28 2011 15:48:41 #
*k
Member

I have been thinking about this and maybe it could work. Other sufferers would have the understanding but may not empathise with every issue of the person's symptoms.
It can't be any worse than the experiences that I have had with Guys that are non sufferers, but that isn't to say that all Guys are the same whether they are sufferers or not.
For me, just bad luck! in the past. It does make you feel less trustworthy of men and lack confidence, so for now, MEN are off the MENU!. I am concentrating on trying to love myself first, before anyone else can love me and obviously trying to get better, not just for me but for my children aswell.
I have been on my own again for six years, but will NEVER SAY,NEVER AGAIN! who knows what may happen. Sometimes things can happen when you are not looking for it and least expect it.

Sun May 29 2011 1:36:11 #