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Anyone else out there like me? (Newbie :))

(16 posts) (6 voices)
  • Started 1 year ago by Subo
  • Latest reply from Blueskies
  • This topic is Not a support question

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    Subo
    Member

    Hello everyone
    Ive just joined this site as am feeling really desperate at the mo.
    I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD two years ago when pregnant - I have always been an extreme worrier but never knew the way I was had a'name'. My OCD centres around catastrophic thoughts and health anxiety. During my pregnancy this went through the roof. I vowed I would do nothing that anyone said may be a risk to my baby - I then nearly had a nervous breakdown with the pressure of this (someone says virtually everything can cause harm to an unborn baby) and when I discovered that various things I thought may not be risky, may be or has 'unknown' risks (dont want to be specfic incase it worried others). I then had quite a traumatic birth with my son (he is fine) but I obssess it had an affect on him - I get sick with worry over things I read on the internet (but I cant help but look) about child health and I constantly look for signs of ill health on him. I particularly worry about leukaemia (even writing that, Im scared means he will get it).

    This has all come to a head now as a few months ago he had a chest x ray for suspected pneumonia (he is now 1 year old). I didnt want him to have it as I was so scared about the radiation, but I knew as a mother, after much hesitation and crying with the doctor - who must have thought I was mad - he had it, but it turned out nothing was wrong. I am now absolutley convinced he will get cancer from it. I have read up on the risks, written to people, spoken to doctors and they tell me the risk is tiny but that is too much for me, as have also read things on the internet that say you cant rtust the docs, especially when it comes to x rays and chldren and the risks - one site written by a dr - said he would never give an x ray to children. This has distressed me so much. I blame myself for allowing him to have the x ray. I obsess that this, along with other things - such as his traumatic birth and literature I have read about the long term dangers of this - will cause something terrible to happen.

    Its so ironic as I am now deveoping a fear of terrible illness and a fear of doctors as I feel they often do risky medical interventions. I am so sacred of risk and uncertainty and feel so bad that I allowed this risk to happen to him

    So I suppose my OCD is obsessive worrying and the 'compulsion' is the seeking reassurance (that never seems to reassure). I look for ways my fears could happen in the hope that I wont find any, but I always do.

    Phew sorry that was long!! Can anyone relate to anything I say? I feel very alone (although i have a supportive family they dont really[i] get it and get fed up with me obssessing, so I was hoping to find some comfort on here.

    Thanks for reading

    Sun Apr 4 2010 22:36:02 #
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    Rena32
    Member

    Hello Subo and welcome,You are not alone, I myself obsessed about the "What if's?" when I was pregnant and after both my children born, I continued to obsess about health issues. If it helps to ease your worries, I don't think the xray will do your child any harm, as many people in the world who have had xrays, and I myself have had multiple xrays throughout life with no problems. From what I have read, xrays only pose a very tiny risk of causing health problems. I would not be concerned if I were you, the benefits of xrays outweigh the risks of any harm it can do. It is better to have a xray to find potential health problems, that to not have one and have an illness go undiagnosed. I know it is hard not to obsess over this, as OCD puts negative thoughts and fears in our heads, but try to relax and realize that this is just the OCD trying to put fear in your mind. I hope that this obsession goes away soon, and keep in mind that you are not alone in your thoughts and fears.

    Mon Apr 5 2010 3:45:27 #
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    Subo
    Member

    Thank you xxx
    I try to remind myself its the ocd but I cant believe it. But I know that if it wasnt this obsessional thought it would be something else, it always is, but my irrational voice is much louder than the rational one - and even though I am aware of this fact it makes little difference.
    I feel so worried about this at the moment
    I went to the docs to get anti depressants but I have a fear of taking these too and they are sitting at the pharmacy still - Citalopram - does anyne have any experience of being on these for a similar reason to mine - high anxiety and obsessional thoughts?
    Thanks so much xxx

    Mon Apr 5 2010 9:38:27 #
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    swan
    Member

    I initially had a fear of taking antidepressants was really scared of side effects. But I made myself take them and havnt had any side effects. I wou;ld encourage you to collect prescription as not wanting them could be your ocd too

    Mon Apr 5 2010 12:29:38 #
  5. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    Hi

    I am a mum to a 2 year old girl. I have always been an anxious person and since I had my baby things have got considerably worse, I have health worries, I found a mole and convinced myself I had skin cancer, I found a spot on my boob and convinced myself I had breat cancer, my daughter had a raised gland and I thought she had leukimia, the list is endless and now I have devleoped an irrational fear of kitchen knives in case I myself hurt her in someway (which of course is ridiculous!) but OCD preys on our worst fears and when things are goinhg right my ocd always finds a way to destroy this for me! I was put on Citalpram a couple of months ago, I felt a bit jittery for a few nights and my apetite has gone down but apart from that no side effects. Alcohol makes things worse for me, I have noticed. I think your worries just come from the huge sense of reponsibitity having a child has bought you. Hang in there xxxx

    Mon Apr 5 2010 14:57:24 #
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    Subo
    Member

    I think I worry that when I look back at time with my son, Ill just remember beng on anti depressants and I kind of want to get throught his without them. I also (when Im feeling better and sorted this) really want another child and dont really want to be on medication if I get pregnant again. I know I need them, but Im worried theyll make me numb or Ill just think, everytime Im happy, its because of the anti ds and not because it the real me! Does that make sense?
    By the way Sunshine, the ocd always gets worse for me when things are going right too! xxx
    Thanks for your help xxxxx

    Mon Apr 5 2010 16:47:16 #
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    Unregistered

    Hi Subo

    To be honest with you, I don't think the Citalpram is making any difference in my case. At the end of the day, it doesn't stop me from worrying. I would like another child too (i asked the doctor about this and he said there was no evidence that Citalopram should affect the baby) but like you, I don't want to take the risk. I certainly don't feel numb and I know quite few people who have been taking them long term with no problems, but if you think you can get through this without them, go for it!! I'm new to this web-site and I don't know about you but am finding it really comforting! You're not alone, I think you just sound like a normal loving mummy! take care xxx

    Mon Apr 5 2010 17:20:00 #
  8. Avatar Image

    Subo
    Member

    I think Ill try without the anti ds still then. The thing is, there are way more issues than this, I think its got more intense since I became pregnant - and more important that I sort it - but before I had a child I was just as bad and my worrying and obsessve thoughts were very extreme, so I know I have got problems. I thought I may also try group therapy again - this really helped me previously when I was diagnosed xxx

    Mon Apr 5 2010 17:47:39 #
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    aishah
    Member

    Hi Subo,

    I can relate to your concerns that you have at the moment. I have had OCD for many years but was only diagnosed in 2002. When I was younger I also had obsessions about health and still do to a certain extent. I remember having an operation at 18 yrs old and being convinced that I had contracted HIV as I had a blood transfusion, it was really distressing but I never knew what was wrong with me then.

    I had my second son 14 years ago and I didn't cope with him at all and had a lot of extreme worries about his health and again I didn't know what was wrong with me. It was 7 years after that, that I completely broke down and was diagnosed with Ocd.

    Over the years the main form it has taken is cleaning and ordering things around me and intrusive thoughts but is being managed now due to having CBT and taking anti-depressants.

    My son has had abut 20 x-rays in his young life due to a health condition that he has, yes I do worry about it but there is nothing I can do as they have always been neccesary just like the one your son had to have so don't blame yourself for having it done.

    I strogly recommend that you go to your G.P. and explain everything to them just like you have to us. You don't need to suffer this on your own, with CBT and medication you should improve and start to feel better soon.

    I know exactly how you are feeling and understand what it's like to have a child and worry about them excessively but it can be managed with professional help.

    I hope this helps and let me know how you get on.

    Take care
    Bridget

    Mon Apr 5 2010 18:54:19 #
  10. Avatar Image

    Subo
    Member

    Thanks Bridget xx I had an obsession with HIV too after an abnormal smear test I was convinced I had cervical cancer bought on by HIV. I was hysterical and had two tests and still worried I had it when I had to have the third test which everyone gets when pregnant. Ive been to my GP many, many times about my anxiety, and also over health fears when I know Im being irrational so the situation of my anxiety always comes up and they always mention cbt or anti ds. But Ive also been a bit more wary lately as I worry that if I say too much theyll think Im an unfit mother and call social services!!!! I know that sounds crazy but I cant help but think it. Its a vicious circle. I worry about everything and anything!

    Its a comfort to hear about other people who have these excessive health worries and who worry about their children like me (although Im sorry to hear you are the same). I think I just feel really scared about the x ray as it turns out he didnt actually need it and because I now have a paranoid fear that doctors are just looking out for themselves to ensure they dont get sued and so give unneccessary treatments. I have amother in law who thinks this so that doesnt really help.

    Its a great help to find this forum - it also stops me from obsessing on Dr Google! xxxxx

    Mon Apr 5 2010 19:32:12 #
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    Blueskies
    Member

    Hiya there Subo and everyone!!!! Welcome to the forum.

    I use to have catastrophic thoughts when my daughter was much younger, but this evolved around protection issues and others being harmed by me is some way. Learning to understand that I could not be responsible for everything that happened to my daughter, was a very hard lesson to learn and trusting others especially doctors and medics meant having to put some trust in someone else. For a long time I found trusting very very hard to do as I believed I knew best for my daughter. From a medical point of view perhaps not, maybe an awareness, some research on the net likc your self but other than that, waiting for someone else to reassure me ,all is well with my girl. When trust is lacking, there is no room for risks at least from a parents point of view. Losing that control is very hard because there is always that fear that no one else can protect our kids the way we would.

    Under extreme pressure worrying only makes us doubt others more and control takes over our thinking. I had to learn to accept, that controlling everything made me more afraid to accept risk and to look at the evidence that not all check ups or health issues end in disaster. For anxiety sufferers this is often the belief, a mild illness is believed to be a serious one. The responsibility of making sure nothing bad happens is a huge burden to make sure everything is right, every angle is researched, Why? So we do not make a mistake! having knowledge is a good thing, too much knowledge is a receipe for over protection, something I learned a while back.

    I understand that risks are very differcult to allow. I say allow because our thinking almost nevers allows us to think in terms of flexibility, which is more realistic and easier to cope with. Thinking in extremes can we actually predict what is going to happen? Worrying actually predicts events that we hold true until proven otherwise.

    When my daughter use to get ill, she has spent most of her childhood in hospital, I learned that I did not have the power to make her ill. My thoughts could not hurt her or hurt anyone else. Asburd I know, but this was the belief once upon a time. The responsibility to find out everything, use to drive me bonkers but I had to accept that things are never perfect, there is never a perfect answer. Everything from treatments to meds all have their limitations, but for most the risks are very small and that is what I had to tell myself .

    People and friends use to say to me, that, my daughter had more chance of falling over and bruising her knees than actually getting the flu.

    Please try not to worry too much, as a mum, perhaps we never will, but we can learn to be kind to our self and enjoy our children in the moment. I am sure you have some great memories of your son, that gives you much joy and happiness, hold onto to those too!!!

    All the best Pam

    Mon Apr 5 2010 21:15:10 #
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    Subo
    Member

    wow pam what a brilliant post thank u x I relate to so much of what
    youve said. I d love to know how you learned to accept all this. Theres so much i need to accept in my life - i just dont know how to do it. Am on my phone at mo so cant write much but just wanted to say thanks xxx

    Mon Apr 5 2010 22:33:56 #
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    Unregistered

    Subo, I myself worry about anything and everything and it's very very tiring. After my baby was born, I even worried for the 1st year and a half that they had given me the wrong baby!!! I became obsessed with photographs of her as a baby, eye colour, genetics, would break down if people said she didn't look much like me or her dad (she dose now though, see I'm doing it again!!) xx

    Tue Apr 6 2010 9:09:18 #
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    Subo
    Member

    Is so exhausting and draining isnt it Sunshine xx Funny you should mention the 'wrong baby' thing - Ive had similar thoughts although I wasnt too obssessed as I went through in my mind how he could have been 'swapped' or the wrong one given to me - but luckily I knew he couldnt have been as he was with me all the time, but it still goes through my head but as he looked the spitting image of my husband from birth (and still does) I knew it was ok!!! I watched a programme where this happened years ago and it always stuck with me and I thought the reason I watched it must be a 'sign' its going to happen to me too!!!
    Ive had many treatments for my worrying over the years from psychotherapy to hypnotherapy (and anti depressants for a short while) but the only thing that truly helped was when I went and saw an actual psychiatrist at the Priory and she properly diagnosed me. I had some intense treatment and I found group therapy very useful - although it terrified me at first, the relief of meeting others like myself and spilling out my thoughts was a real help - I honestly thought I was the only one like myself before this, it also helped that the psychologist running it was excellent. Im going to try a similar thing again.
    I know that is I could just 'accept' some things in life I would find more peace of mind. I ruminate over so much I cant change - the past, things Ive said, done, decisons Ive made - everything. I feel so much guilt about some things - and that I find very very hard to deal with - being an awful teenager, when Ive lost my temper at my hub, things like the x ray situation - the list is endless- I think sometimes though, maybe the way I feel is a 'punishment' for doing these things. I know that most people will think the things I feel guilty for arent that bad at all, but I still feel bad about them.
    I think maybe its all about control - I didnt think I was a control think but I think in many ways I am. If I could learn to 'let go' I feel I would find peace, but I just cant seem to be able to x

    Tue Apr 6 2010 17:40:46 #
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    Rena32
    Member

    Hi I can relate Subo and Sunshine, I worried about this after my children were born, Did they give me the right baby, as so many were born around the same time and the thought stemmed from a movie I watched in the past. It was a silly thought, now that I think of it.

    Wed Apr 7 2010 3:13:28 #
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    Blueskies
    Member

    Hiya Subo,

    it's an interesting statement, ' If I could learn to 'let go' I feel I would find peace, but I just cant seem to be able to.

    Another way of looking at this, ' What am I holding onto'.

    Holding onto guilt, shame, blame and things you felt you did as a teenager, are experiences you can learn from. Having a child of our own, we can reflect on the things we did and have an awareness of what we would like to change not just for us but for them.

    Not everything you do or did is bad. Being a teenager is a challenging time for most young people, your learning about you, your learning how people relate to each other, how they behave, how you behave, relationships, responsibility, managing strong feelings and emotions. Sometimes we don't get everything right, we make mistakes. Sometimes we offend others, blame others, think we know it all at times but this is all about learning and growing from what we feel our mistakes are.

    I have always believed, there is nothing wrong in making mistakes, it's our abiliity to correct them that counts.

    All emotions have their opposites. Guilt can be a healthy feeling to have, it shows we care about the effects of our behaviour on others, it shows we are sorry for our actions and even lead to having compassion to change and to make ammends.

    The flip side of guilt, we can blame our self for the wrong, never forgiving what we have done and become stuck for years because we feel we don't deserve to be treated with love and respect. This is self punishment and self blame.

    Sometimes the punishment is too extreme and not appropiate for what we have done. Stealing sweets, or swearing at our parents, have minor squabbles, staying out late and disrespecting rules and boundaries, drinking and dabbling in drugs, having sex too early. These are the years of experimentation. It teaches us what works and what does not work. We can move on from those lessons instead of believing we have committed the worst crimes on earth.

    Having our children forces us into looking at our behaviours, it is just a reflection, showing us what we would like for own children and what we would now do differently. That special bond you have with your Son, your parents felt that too and would have had the same vision, to also do things differently. They made their mistakes too.

    [b]Making your own mistakes is all part and parcel of growing. Think of your life as one big learning curve, accept mistakes and changes too, both are important for self deveopment!

    Pam

    Wed Apr 7 2010 8:37:46 #

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