OCD Action

slogsweep
Member

Hello everyone, hope you are all ok and had a good time last night.

I didn't really enjoy myself as it goes. I began to excessively worry for my girlfriend's safety as a result of her being in the same town as the two deaths through bar violence I witness while working in the summer. I probably started an argument through my paranoia. I trust her with my life but I don't trust that town. I only have bad and painful memories there and have only been back once since.

Then I just got sick of people's bonhomie and positivity for the future, I felt a real painful jealousy that they can look that far and feel so much confidence for the days ahead, when I settle for getting through the present unscathed. I got so sad that I'd spent 2/3 of 2011 as a slave to OCD. I then thought, "well 11 always has been an unlucky number" before chastising myself for this OCD thought.

I felt so low I started to think of suicide, only ideation not actual harm or anything. I fell back to sleep and felt silly for thinking in that way, but I'm sick of everything. I want to feel no fear about the future as everyone else seems to. All I see is joblessness and yet more failure to deliver on this "potential" I apparently have.

I could have been a published writer by now if it wasn't for OCD. I had a chance, with three others (all older than me) to pitch my work to three big publishers. The idea of having a chance to work with Penguin would have been a dream come true. I didn't go. I was so scared and afraid by what I know now to be OCD I passed up the chance of a lifetime. I couldn't talk to my own parents, let alone pitch to a public audience. It's something I really used to enjoy, public speaking, until the OCD pushed me into my hermit crab's shell.

I'm sorry to rant, but I'm feeling down,

Thanks everyone, Happy New Year to you all,
Slog

Sun Jan 1 2012 14:54:02 #
Wombat140
Member

I'm not making any flipping resolutions this year. No use promising something that's not up to me. I know what I mean to do, but Heaven only knows if I'll manage it.

Sun Jan 1 2012 15:13:47 #
Tess
Member

Hi slog
Sorry to hear New Years Eve didn't live up to expectations - but once again you are racing ahead in your mind and looking at your future through a black mist of negativity. You've already decided you will be jobless before you've even completed your studies. If you've had a fantastic opportunity in the past which you decided against taking up it shows that you have great talent - talent which will accompany you through life and bring different opportunities. Increasing experience and knowledge and especially your battle with OCD will make you an even better writer.

Sun Jan 1 2012 16:24:26 #
slogsweep
Member

No I haven't made any resolutions either. I did make a wish though.

I hope so Tess, I can't help viewing things negatively at the moment, it's like I'm always running as fast as I can but getting nowhere. I can feel the OCD ruining things around me as it's done in the past.

The depression that has come along as a result of OCD is a real struggle and is if anything more of a problem than the actual OCD that caused it now.

Thanks, the both of you,

Slog

Sun Jan 1 2012 17:59:28 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, me too... I didn't stay up late last night... I would have been awake at midnight, but was watching telly in bed, and it was a DVD! I don't make resolutions, cos I cannot keep them, and all the hype on TV about it all being a better year just makes me think, Yeh Right! I'm sure! It wont be any different really, just another 300 plus days of battling the OCD... I know that's perhaps being a tiny bit negative about it all, but it isn't, it is just that I dont put a lot of hope into it, even though it possibly will be a great new year, it is still too early to say... But there is hope!
Wannabe

Sun Jan 1 2012 20:28:05 #
Citaloman
Member

I stayed in and turned my phone to silent and cried for most of the night. I could hear everyone having a great time out side. For me and I'm serious, my life feels over. I know depression and OCD are making me feel worse but I just want it too stop. My mum days I'm getting better but I can't see it. I don't even believe I have OCD that's how bad it is. I walk around the park at night looking at the stars just praying for everything to be ok. I'm at week 10. Listen to me, I keep on about week numbers.

Sun Jan 1 2012 20:45:33 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Citaloman, I stayed in too, I also dreaded anyone phoning me, cos I try not to take new year too seriously... For us sufferers it is another day, but of course, when you can actually hear people shouting and happy, it makes us feel a whole lot worse... I wonder how they can be so happy, unless it is the drink talking... Probably...
With your week numbers it looks like your meds might not be right, so a visit to your GP would be a good idea I think...
Wannabe

Sun Jan 1 2012 20:58:37 #
Citaloman
Member

I know a lot of people say 12 weeks, but I can't take another 10 weeks on another to see what happens, I cant take the tears.

Sun Jan 1 2012 21:02:57 #
wannabefree
Member

It might not take that long on something else, Citaloman... Some meds work almost straightaway, but some take longer... You are worth it Citaloman, Please don't give up after all the effort you have already put in... GP's don't always get it right first time... You should be due a medication assessment I think, cos this is a long time to wait before anything happens...
Can you contact your GP in the morning for an urgent appointment? If needs be, you have the right to call in at your local Hospital Casualty department, and ask them if you can see someone urgently... But dont, please dont take any meds before you go... Just go as you are... You've put in a lot of effort so far, it has to be worth it, and the way you do that is to get all the help you can get, from everywhere you can get... Will you contact your GP first thing in the morning?
Wannabe

Sun Jan 1 2012 21:27:31 #
Citaloman
Member

I have an appointment on Friday. Wannabe you are lovely and I'm so glad you dont have the sort of worries I have.

Sun Jan 1 2012 21:50:36 #
wannabefree
Member

I have similar I guess... Depression is one of them... I've had that longer than my OCD... But each of us has the right to a reasonable standard of living and that includes a freedom from pain, and that includes emotional pain too... Hold on for Friday... get to the appointment, cos you're worth it, we all are... It really does look as though something should have started to happen with the meds... It could be that you are getting bad side effects prior to the medication working, but only a GP can specify that... Keep pushing on Citaloman, You will get there, we will get there, cos we're all on this journey, but we have the forums to keep us company... We are worth it!
Wannabe

Sun Jan 1 2012 21:58:35 #
Citaloman
Member

Thanks wannabe. Message me anytime if I can help.

Sun Jan 1 2012 22:01:41 #
wannabefree
Member

Thanks Citaloman, Will do, but it is you who needs help too... So we'll get into the beginning of this new year alongside each other... Definitely get to the GP's surgery on Friday, even earlier if necessary... And hopefully things will get easier very soon!
Wannabe

Sun Jan 1 2012 22:05:14 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Wannabe, I hope your NYE was at least relaxing. Thanks for your comments,

I don't mean to go all mememememe, but I felt very strange last night. I was there, in the middle of the normal NYE reveling but I wasn't. I was fighting my OCD as long as fatigue allowed, sitting often alone and almost separate to the group but not isolated (if that makes sense, I'd be in the same room.) It was like I was a ghost who's disappeared into his own world, which isn't very nice. The only metaphor I can think of that could form a comparison is in Dante's Inferno, where the souls of the selfish rotate around the three headed Cerebus and occasionally get torn apart or drowned, oblivious to what was going on around them. (Really nerdy metaphor I know but OCD Action's one of the few places I can air these things). The countdown bit and the Auld Lang Syne-ing just annoyed me. I couldn't get into the spirit of things at all.

I woke up and stifled back crying, I googled SSRI overdose effects amongst other things. I fell asleep again and woke up. Nobody else was awake so I watched these pet turtles swim around and felt wonderfully calm. After that I was ok-ish. Eastenders tonight was horribly close to home and upset me, but also contextualizes everything, how important things like money and appearance really are.

I also find out that Freddie Flintoff battled depression. Freddie is my hero. He was Superman to me growing up. I had his bat, his pads, numerous England shirts with FLINTOFF 17 on the back, I tried to bowl and bat like him. I drank like him when I shouldn't have done. Every time Fred was on the park for England I'd watch like an excited schoolboy. Yet, in 06 when England were being thrashed by the Aussie's and I was up until 5am watching it, cheering Fred on, his life was falling apart in the same way mine is. Even my biggest hero and my ultimate inspiration as a child was brought down by what we suffer from (depression that is, not OCD). I was stunned.

And that just about sums me up, stunned and numb.

Sorry about that memememe rant. Citaloman I'm starting to agree with Wannabe, what are you taking again? I can't help but think you need a conventional SSRI to fight the depression but I'm no doctor. I also think you need to be off Diazepam as it's like a sticking plaster over a haemophilliac's cut. You can do it though buddy and we'll be here with you. Your mom's there for you too and knows what's happening. Keep going. I'm so sorry NYE was a let down for you. I can't think of many more people who deserve a break than you and Wannabe, people who got me off the floor just as I was about to throw the towel in.

Thank you both, and without resorting to typical happynewyearisms, I hope you find peace and soon.

Slog

Sun Jan 1 2012 22:51:31 #
Citaloman
Member

I'm on Citalopram and I have resisted relying on Diazepam.

Sun Jan 1 2012 22:57:21 #
slogsweep
Member

I don't know of many people on that other than yourself. Maybe an SSRI is the way to go. There's lots of information on the NHS website and Wikipedia about each SSRI. At least if you have a reasonable idea about what you need then the doctor will respect that you've taken the time to research,

I hope you're alright. I'm so sorry your meds aren't working out (yet)

Slog

Sun Jan 1 2012 23:00:41 #
Tess
Member

Slog, were you awake or dreaming when you googled effects of SSRI overdose? If the former please don't ever do it again - SSRIs are for treatment only as prescribed by your GP.

Mon Jan 2 2012 10:35:36 #
slogsweep
Member

No I'm rather ashamed to say I was awake. Suicide is just something that crops up in my mind fairly often. Far more often than it should . I've done things like this more than once, especially in early October before I found out about OCD and this community. I just couldn't take any more.

Sorry Tess. I'll try harder not to do such things again. I'm so grateful for all your help these last few months. It's the first time I've done anything like this for a couple of months at least.

Slog

Mon Jan 2 2012 15:22:37 #
slogsweep
Member

No I'm rather ashamed to say I was awake. Suicide is just something that crops up in my mind fairly often. Far more often than it should . I've done things like this more than once, especially in early October before I found out about OCD and this community. I just couldn't take any more.

Sorry Tess. I'll try harder not to do such things again. I'm so grateful for all your help these last few months. It's the first time I've done anything like this for a couple of months at least.

Slog

Mon Jan 2 2012 15:22:37 #
Tess
Member

Hi Slog
I'm very pleased you will resist the temptation to satisfy your morbid curiosity - my son googled suicide, it is a step too close which you can choose not to take. Overdose is harmful, suicide is a one way ticket - both will devastate those who love you. Like checking, the more you google it the more it will draw you in.

Mon Jan 2 2012 17:08:16 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks Tess, I'll try not to in future. Every time I have an urge I'll think of this thread.

Appreciate it,

Slog

Mon Jan 2 2012 23:36:05 #

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