OCD Action

Nimrod
Key Master

An elderly gentleman had experienced serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who refered him to a specialist and was fitted with a hearing aid that restored his hearing to near perfect.

A month later he went back to the specialist to check on how well it was working and the specialist said, "Your hearing is excellent. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Caps

Mon Nov 30 2009 9:39:20 #
nettlenoo
Member

oh i like it

Mon Nov 30 2009 11:57:14 #
Unregistered

Another true story, this time about a young gentleman. It took place during the presidency of Bill Clinton following headlines about his indiscretion with a certain White House collegue (can't remember her name). At the time we lived near Lynton in North Devon and I ran weekly guided walks for tourists to see the Valley of Rocks wild goats. A group of us were watching the goats and I was telling everyone about how they were all recorded in a book by the goat expert and they all had names beginning with 'L' with prefix Lynton, eg Lynton Lorraine, Lynton Lorrabelle, etc. One goat then mounted another and started humping violently in front of us at which point a young teenage girl giggled and said "that must be Lynton Clinton". Her young brother looked at her baffled "Don't be silly Clinton doesn't begin with 'L' ".

Mon Nov 30 2009 12:32:02 #
Truddles
Member

No but the girls surname he was indiscreet with began with an L

We might all be miserable because of the OCD, but we've all managed to retain an excellent sense of humour.

My nephew when he was small was bored waiting in the supermarket queue with myself and my mother. As it was nearly Christmas I asked him to tell me the story of the nativity. He started to tell the story and was doing really well until it got to the visits. He was so sure of himself and went on to say that baby Jesus was so important that people wanted to visit him. When I asked who visited, he said that he was visited by three leopards and three wire men. The lady who was standing behind us tried hard not to laugh aloud but quietly told my mother that she nearly wet herself. Just goes to prove that as adults we don't always pronounce things clearly in front of children.

It reminds me of the little boy who thought that God was called Harold. When he was told by the teacher no, he said that he was called Harold it said so in the Lords prayer. The teacher was perplexed and asked him to explain. 'Well' said the little boy 'It says - Our father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.'
Oh to be able to regain the innocence of childhood.

Mon Nov 30 2009 14:07:48 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Jim says "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really. Like a newborn baby?" asked the first gentleman.

"Yep" Replied Jim "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Thu Dec 3 2009 11:55:59 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch on their rocking chairs watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days" when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocking chair and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Fri Dec 4 2009 14:02:21 #
Nimrod
Key Master

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What' the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" suggested the other man.

"Yes, that's the one," the first man said. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Mon Dec 7 2009 20:34:43 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

The other day I was walking along the road when I noticed a small, grey-haired man in a rocking chair on his front porch enjoying the afternoon sunshine. His wrinkly face was beaming with contentment as he was muttering quietly to himself.
I shouted across to him, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long and happy life?"
"Well," he replied in a rasping voice, stroking his stubbly chin and displaying that he had lost all his teeth. "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a whole case of whisky a week, I eat fatty foods and lots of salt & sugar, and I never do any exercise."
"That's amazing," I said. "And how old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

Fri Dec 11 2009 13:28:19 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The weather was very hot and a man desperately wanted to take a dive in the nearby lake to cool off.

He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone. So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming he got out of the water just as a pair of elderly ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

In a panic he grabed an old bucket that just happened to be lying there and he held it in front of his privates and gave a huge sigh of relief as he covered his embarrasment.

As the ladies got closer they looked at him and smiled. Then one of them said,
"You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible," says the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?"

"Yes," the lady replied,

.
.
.

"I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

Fri Dec 11 2009 15:14:33 #
Unregistered

and the man thought "bucket" spelled with an "f" and the second lady thought "but it's got a good handle".

Fri Dec 11 2009 19:11:56 #
Nimrod
Key Master

John, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window and turned the wheel, but never touched or harmed him.

After what seemed like a lifetime John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was frightened and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that blithering idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

Sun Dec 13 2009 10:34:08 #
Truddles
Member

Caps
Similar to what Bingo wrote Jan 2008 - A cold winter night.
Truddles

Sun Dec 13 2009 12:56:37 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Ah Great minds !!!

How about this:

For his birthday, little Ben asked for a new 10-speed bike with the latest super grip wheels and really cool paint colour. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Ben heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Ben told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bike".

Sun Dec 13 2009 19:46:02 #
Truddles
Member

Heard that one too
Seriously you certainly are keeping my spirits up.
I need it at the moment.
Truddles

Sun Dec 13 2009 21:52:42 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Skinny dipping

An elderly man had owned a large farm for a number of years. He had a large pond in the back in attractive surroundings with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Tue Dec 15 2009 22:12:05 #