OCD Action

loopylu
Member

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this and am having a complete melt down at the moment and to be honest and I am annoyed at myself for letting my ocd get so bad that I have to post on forums for reassurance.

Let me explain a bit about myself...

I am 21 year old student who likes to occassionally go out drinking with my friends. My main problem is that sometimes when I drink, I experience blackouts where I forget about certain chunks of the evening. My recent drama which I know I am completely over reacting about is when I visited a nightclub a few weeks ago. While I can remember most of the evening, there are chunks that I cannot remember at all, mainly from about 1:30am - 3:30 am. Although deep down I know I was in the nightclub with my friends and then we got a kebab (classy) and then went home and that nothing bad has happened because I can't remember this at all, I can't seem to switch off my brain into thinking that maybe something bad happened to me whilst I was in the club and maybe I can't remember? During the time I am in a blackout, my friends all say that I appear completely normal, I somehow manage to still text and make phone calls and just my usual bubbly self but I am completely distraught about this because I just cannot remember at all.

When I wake up in the morning, my mind goes in to complete over drive and I completely panic and manage to convince myself that I have done something terrible and I create scenarios in my head which I know deep down have never even happened. My main one at the moment is "what if i have had sex in the club and can't remember?" even writing this I know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous because I have never woken up next to a stranger, never had a one night stand and every time I have been drunk I have shared a cab home with my friends and woken up in my own bed.

Does anyone else have these problems? I know cutting out on alcohol will obviously stop this and I have not drank since then it's just that I am just finding the fear of not knowing unbearable to whoever reads this thankyou so much, i feel like i am completely insane (and I know I sound it too!!!!)

any advice would be appreciated or if anyone else ever experiences things like this how do you cope?

Thank you again in advance

Loopy Lu xxxx

Mon Feb 13 2012 15:17:50 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Lu,

Firstly, a huge well done from me for not letting OCD ruin your university experience as it has mine (we're the same age). I haven't drank since October but I used to panic as you do after a night out.

I can't offer much advice, as I haven't tackled this since my treatment started as I can't drink with the medication but I just wanted to say well done for having the strength of character to fight OCD at university and that you're certainly not alone with this type of obsession.

Slog

Mon Feb 13 2012 15:31:49 #
loopylu
Member

Thank you so much for getting back to me, I literally feel lke I am insane. When i talk to my friends about it they just laugh and tell me I'm being silly because if something bad happened I would remember. What was it that you did to get help? Did you go to your gp? I don't want to stop drinking because when I don't have blackouts I have such a great time but then I think it's just not worth all the stress and panic it causes me, and also it's quite hard to stop drinking being a student surrounded by your friends drinking all the time. I find that my friends have blackouts all the time and just brush it off like "oh well I'll never know what happened" and find it really funny but when it happens to me I just go in to a complete melt down. Thanks again!

Mon Feb 13 2012 15:38:16 #
BT
Member

Loopylu, I have experienced this, many years ago. I no longer drink because of it. It’s a small price to pay to avoid the torment.

I agree with Slog, it's a common obsession.

What I would advise is not trying to go back over the blank period, because if you are like me, you'll fill in the gaps (OCD-fashion!).

Mon Feb 13 2012 15:47:27 #
loopylu
Member

Yeah I've stopped drinking since then because I just can't bare forgetting, just being a student surrounded by alcohol it's quite difficult thankyou for your support because today has been a very bad day for me but I am glad I have finally plucked up the courage to comment on here and ask for help because I don't feel so alone now

Mon Feb 13 2012 15:51:47 #
Aimboy
Member

Hey

im in my first year at uni, i kinda got drunk friday just gone and im never gonna drink as much as i did again, ill still go out but ill definately control myself. Its the fact that like you said i cant remember large chunks of the night and im worried i did something outrageous such as exposing myself in the club "/ its really worried me these past few days. Ive asked my mates on whether i did anything stupid, fortunately they said i hadn't though as expected i still worried about it.

Joe

Mon Feb 13 2012 16:20:25 #
Pepper
Member

Loopylu, you're definitely not alone, I know it's hard but like BT said try not to keep going over it as you will give more emphasis to your thoughts which will make it into a bigger deal for you I know its easier said than done. Have you tried talking to your GP? Might be a good idea to get a bit of support, I hope things get easier for you and you can continue to enjoy being a student.

Mon Feb 13 2012 16:21:26 #
loopylu
Member

Thanks everybody it's nice to know I'm not alone! I'm definately going to try and really cut back on the drinking and going to try and make an appointment with my gp ! thankyou again !

Mon Feb 13 2012 16:58:39 #
Mike
Member

loopylu - this EXACT scenario has happened to me! I started having obsessions about contracting HIV after I had a blackout, because I am known to engage in risky behavior when really drunk. I then started to obsess about giving my girlfriend HIV, and how devastating that would be. What cured me of these obsessions (in about a week) was exposure and response prevention therapy. In the end, I was able to tolerate the possibility that these things happened, but in the absence of any evidence I no longer got anxious about it. I still to this day accept that I may have contracted HIV, given it to my ex-girlfriend, but simply have not shown symptoms yet, and this acceptance, or tolerance of uncertainty, is key to overcoming OCD.

-Mike

Mon Feb 13 2012 16:59:47 #
loopylu
Member

Yeah, I often feel ridiculous when I say these fears out loud to people but once I get an obsessed stuck in my head I can't let it drop.

Mike, did you ever go as far as being tested for hiv or did the therapist try to make sure you knew that your fears were irrational? i feel like i could get tested for loads of different diseases etc, which all deep down i know would come back negative, and then for a while i will be happy, until the next time something like this happens and i am back at square one again? did you ever feel this way? alcohol is definately the drink of the devil! lol

Mon Feb 13 2012 17:14:16 #
Mike
Member

Yes, I did get tested for everything under the Sun, which was a horrible mistake. I was not getting proper therapy at the time, so unfortunately I had no one to tell me not to get tested. And a therapist shouldn't be trying to tell you that your thoughts are irrational, because you already know that, and reaffirming this over and over again is just a compulsion. The therapist should tell you not to get tested, because the OCD will just jump to something else (which it did for me).

The more you give in to compulsions, the stronger the OCD becomes.

Mon Feb 13 2012 18:11:19 #
loopylu
Member

thankyou mike that is so helpful and reassuring to know that i am not alone in this !

Mon Feb 13 2012 18:38:43 #
sillybilly
Member

I had this a while back, I went out, got drunk and couldn't remember Much the next day. I specifically couldn't remember using the toilet in this place I went too, and I got the intrusive thought the next day that I may of been raped in the toilet, deep down I knew it was highly unlikely. The compulsion was to ask my friends how long I was in the bathroom for and I always remember asking them about 25 times, which the answer was like 'u were in there for 2 mins'. Not one of them knew the anxiety I was going through. I now take it easy on the ale as its not worth the torment.

Mon Feb 13 2012 19:50:21 #
slogsweep
Member

Lu I've messaged you, check your inbox

Slog

Mon Feb 13 2012 23:18:45 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone. Welcome to the forums loopy lu. Yep, I'm not sure whether I've done this myself, but yes, the more you go over it, the worse it gets. If anything bad had gone wrong, there would have been a lot more resulting from it than the thoughts we have. In OCD there is a tendency to catastrophise everything we aren't sure of, and that is how the OCD gets in. Such a lot has to be put down to experience and basically forgotten, if we can do that. It isn't easy, and I'm not much good at it myself, but trying less hard to be okay has been going through my mind today.
How are you today, Slog? And you, Pepper... Hope you're okay too.
Wannabe

Thu Feb 16 2012 21:39:05 #
slogsweep
Member

I'm relatively good thanks Wannabe. Unfortunately I've been told to perhaps tone down my posting on this forum as I've become confused now and again with contradictory info, I'm taking the "whatever works for me approach" now as I've been told I care too much about what others think. Plodding along with CBT and Brain Lock though and it's working well

Are you doing ok Wannabe?

Slog

Fri Feb 17 2012 19:05:24 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there, still doing reasonably okay thank you, getting frustrated with my computer now!! One thing fixes, another breaks, it'll be okay in a couple of days I'm sure. I managed to use the loos in two places today, to empty the catheter bag. I make sure I go into a cubicle to do it, I have no desire to demonstrate my plumbing in public!! I went to IKEA today, and had a hot dog afterwards, and all without washing of hands, and still no ill-effects. I'm pretty sure there wont be, I'm confident that my natural immunity will work, just like it does for everyone else, that isn't just reassurance, I believe it. So it is all good stuff, I think!
Wannabe

Fri Feb 17 2012 19:25:46 #
slogsweep
Member

Good on you Wannabe you're sounding much more positive. I hope the catheter goes soon. Sounds like the experience, though awkward has helped your OCD!

Great stuff, please keep in touch

Slog

Fri Feb 17 2012 22:45:50 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, yes, it certainly has been a wierd experience! I'm definitely getting used to it now... I'm using public loos without fear now, and it is good that I don't find myself staying in them for anything like as long now! All good!
My sense of humour is coming back again too, which I like.
How are you getting on?
Wannabe

Sat Feb 18 2012 21:23:03 #
jimmy
Member

sorry to gatecrash someone elses thread , but it is a mirror image for me.
i am having a awful morning after going out last night,i did get drunk and can remember what happened but i am convincing myself i upset somebody or maybe the taxi driver because i questioned the fare he charged and maybe he will be out for revenge.i also panic i may of kissed a girl even though i didnt and just having a real bad worrying morning.
why cant i just be hungover and think oh i had a good night and move on instead of dwelling on every little thing. i am panicking i may of caught hiv even though i did nothing.
i know its not the answer but i was thinking of moving away from where i live to start again where where i may feel safer.
i even contemplate ending it all as it has got to be better than feeling like this all the time.
anyway thanks for listening and hopefully as the day goes on i may feel a bit better.

Sun Feb 26 2012 10:05:48 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Jimmy, welcome to the forums... Please don't end it all, cos things have to get better, but it will take time... You certainly have a big thing with the risk of having upset someone else... But they'll recover... People say things in jest when they've had a bit of a drinking session... It is natural, but hopefully these other people would have forgotten it by now... It was just a harmless evening out... I know that reassurance doesn't work with OCD, so it is difficult for us to accept things like that... I do too, but do stay in touch and let us know how things are going... It has to turn out okay, it just has to...
Wannabe

Mon Feb 27 2012 22:01:46 #
jimmy
Member

thanks wannabe,
still feeling anxious about everything,dont worry,not going to end it.
my experiance tells me usually feel better after a few days so hopefully will do

Tue Feb 28 2012 22:08:37 #