OCD Action

OCDLONELY
Member

I don't really want to come on hear and be all depressing and miserable because I know you are all suffering and I don't want to bring you down or make you worry. I have been trying so hard lately to get my life back on track after missing my teens and my twentys. I'm into my thirties now and I have nothing to show for it! I have no friends that I see or have met as all my friends I have met online. They mean the world to me but everyone needs a friend or friends that they actually see and spend time with. I have never had a relationship and the way I feel these days what woman/girl would want me? I want to have a family of my own but it seems impossible. As some of you know I have been going out for the first time in years. Not that far but it is so scary for me. I see danger and things that scare me with every step I take. I have walked well over 140 miles in 6 weeks. The thing is it's not really helping. I don't feel any better and I'm not achieving anything and nothing has changed. What is the point to all my effort and stress? I now have the eating disorder and mayby more to deal with and it's taking such a toll. I eat about 600 calories a day but I'm struggling to reach that now. I'm scared to eat. Scared to put on weight. Scared to lose the control I have. I think I'm severely depressed too. I couldn't cry for some time but this evening in my room alone I just broke down and couldn't stop like a wave just hit me. What is the point to any of this anymore? Do I even have a place on this earth? I doubt many would miss me and I know I haven't made any impact in the world. My family would get over it quickly and just move on. I don't like myself in anyway! I don't deserve any pity either because it's probably my own fault anyway. Mayby I'm just a horrible person and I'm getting what I deserve for all that I have done wrong? I just don't know anymore and I don't really care! I'm sorry to go on and hope I haven't upset anyone because that is the last thing I want to do. I feel guilty enough for complaining about my life and situation when I know so many people in the world are coping with and facing much worse than me! Take care

Daniel

Tue Oct 20 2009 0:08:40 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Hi Daniel

Please don't worry about coming on here and being all miserable. This forum is a place where you can discard your facemask with its plastic smile and just be honest amongst people who understand and care. There's no point pretending to us you're feeling fine if you aren't. If anyone is emotionally fragile enough to get upset by reading your post, then it's up to them to be cautious what they choose to read.

I'm glad you called this post "A wave of depression" because it indicates you regard your current darkness as an emotional swing and not a change in your objective circumstances.

Do you have a support group in your area, Daniel? Not necessarily for people with OCD specifically (though that would be ideal) but for anyone with mental health difficulties such as depression. I think it might be very helpful to meet others in the same boat as you - and there are plenty of them out there. I know you don't feel very gregarious at the moment but if you can force yourself to take the plunge, you may find yourself much more motivated about it after giving it a go. Do you need help in finding a local group?

How did it go with the doctor yesterday?

Ciao .... Parvez

Tue Oct 20 2009 12:20:37 #
Unregistered

My dear Daniel, I have known you for several years. We have chatted about everything and in that time I have come to know you extremely well. A lady once told me I wasn't a friend because she and I had only ever spoken on the phone and e-mailed. After eight years I remained an acquaintance! You know differently from that, and a psychologist once told me that people like us who hold deep and meaningful conversations by phone, letter or e-mail actually get to know each other better than those who you might meet up with regularly in a social environment.

So, I believe I am qualified to say I know you very well. You are one of my closest friends. I admire qualities in you which are so very rare. You have a heart that is so large and you care more about other people than virtually anyone else I know. I cannot convince you that you are good looking and I probably won't be able to convince you that you have an incredible personality either. But, I'll keep trying and I'll never give up!

I desperately hope that your doctor will be able to help you with your eating, because I am sure that your depression is deepening because of a lack of nutrients.

I am here whenever you need me. I and many others would be lost without you!

Love, Tricia xx

Tue Oct 20 2009 13:02:02 #
DEAD!
Blocked

Hiya Daniel,

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this and don't feel guilty for posting on here.

You've been doing really well recently

Don't worry about not having a girlfriend - I haven't had a boyfriend since my ex and it looks like it's staying that way, but I'm sure you'll find someone when the time is right.

We've been talking a lot recently and you've helped me by listening and I think you're great, you know I'd miss you and the stuff we talk about lol.

I hope it goes well with the doctor

Take Care X

Nicola

Tue Oct 20 2009 14:25:33 #
brennie
Member

Daniel, i am so sorry to here you are struggling so bad, i have known you for a long time now Dan so i remember last year you had the opportunity to go into the same hospital as i did ( Bethlam Royal ), why oh why did you not give it a try Dan ? who knows you might have been feeling a lot better with there experienced therapy, it is a marvelous hospital Dan so why dont you ring them and see if you could still be admitted... you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You are a loving caring young man Daniel, you deserve all the normalities in life , you have been trying so hard lately to get out of the house , i think you could manage better if you were to re-consider inpatient care, i am concerned about your eating habits ...600 calories is harmful !!

love brennie x

Tue Oct 20 2009 14:32:04 #
lioness
Member

Hi Daniel,

I know I don't know you very well like some of the others on here but it saddened me to read your post. Please don't give up, we all have a place in this world, you included. As Parvez said, maybe a support group would help you? Having freinds online does not mean they aren't true freinds, in fact they can be more so as Tricia said, some peoples freindships seem very superficial to me anyway. I can understand you wanting to have freinds you can go out and see, but it doesn't mean you never will. I really hope you can get some help, espcially with your eating which is really important. Its probably not helping the way you feel with the amount of calories you are having at the moment. Please keep posting here as we are all here to listen. Take care

Tue Oct 20 2009 23:39:52 #
Unregistered

Dear Daniel, How did you get on this morning? I am thinking of you!

Love, Tricia x

Wed Oct 21 2009 13:49:05 #
brennie
Member

Hi Daniel, how are you today ? i am thinking about you.

Love Brennie x

Wed Oct 21 2009 14:52:20 #
Unregistered

Bren, I agree, only 600 calories is harmful. I wonder if the Bethlem would take Daniel while he is so depressed and eating so little. I'm not saying he shouldn't phone them and find out. I know it was this time last year you went there. I take it you feel differently about the unit than you did when you left there?

Tricia x

Wed Oct 21 2009 15:28:11 #
OCDLONELY
Member

Hello, I just wanted to say thank you all so much for your support and kind words. They mean a lot and are very much appreciated. I see my doctor tomorrow and I will talk about my eating problems mainly but will also discuss my depression and OCD. I know of a support group near me but have not felt ready to give it a try. I may soon. Thank you all again!

Take care

Daniel

Wed Oct 21 2009 21:28:59 #
brennie
Member

Tricia, I have come to realise that i did not co-operate in the way they would have hoped for me ! i wish i had the opportunity to go back and face treatment once more .... i would put 100% into treatment, its a fantastic hospital ! its such a pity and shame that i unfortunately did not realise this at the time of my stay.
love brennie x

Thu Oct 22 2009 22:36:45 #
Unregistered

Bren, I know you are waiting to hear from the Priory, and you are considering that because of the locality, but don't forget the Bethlem will have you back, you know that. They will even take me.

Love, Tricia.

Fri Oct 23 2009 13:34:01 #
brennie
Member

Tricia, thats great news ! i was,nt aware that you had been for an assessment recently, i was aware you were considering inpatient care but that was many years ago, but hey thats great news if you have been accepted , when is it they are taking you Tricia ?

love Brennie x

Sat Oct 24 2009 16:46:55 #
Unregistered

Bren, I wasn't very clear about that. My last assessment was in 2006, but last year Simon told me I could still go. It would mean another assessment, I expect. However, it's not going to happen because my husband and daughter are as opposed as ever. I think the constant contamination 'exposure' with the mice has reinforced their view. I'm cracking up under the pressure.

Love, Tricia.

Mon Oct 26 2009 13:03:05 #