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A toothless cobra

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Started 2 years ago by Parvez Choudhry
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Parvez Choudhry
Member

Hi Everyone

I gained a new understanding about my anxiety on Saturday that has helped me substantially, and I would like to try to explain it here in case it may benefit others too.

Firstly, a brief summary of my OCD for those who don't know me. I am obsessed about enjoying my food and I am frightened of anything that might prevent me doing so. My main fears are:

(1) I am afraid of contaminating my food with anything that would make it taste funny. To achieve this I try to keep myself, my hands, my clothes, and all my possessions as clean as possible at all times, lest something 'contaminated' accidentally gets into my food, even if only by a long chain of events in which a contaminant touches object A which then touches object B which then touches object C which then touches my food. So for example, when I go to the checkouts at the supermarket to pay for my items, I don't choose the checkout with the shortest queue but I choose the checkout operator who looks like the cleanest person.

(2) I am afraid of abrading my tongue which would impair my ability to taste food. For a long time I have had a tendency to rub my tongue on my teeth and chew my tongue in my sleep when I am anxious. This makes my tongue sore, and sometimes it is so sore I cannot taste my food.

I got myself into an anxious lather on Saturday at breakfast time. As I was reflecting on it afterwards, it occurred to me that the main object of my anxiety is not contamination or hurting my tongue (even though that's what it seems like), but rather the main thing I am afraid of is anxiety. For example, if I think something has contaminated my food, I feel anxious about it. I can't enjoy eating food when I feel anxious, so reflexively I try to reduce my anxiety by reasoning against it. Since 99% of my anxiety is irrational, logical reasoning doesn't reduce it and only makes it worse. But I get stuck in a loop and feel too anxious to stop fighting it, and eventually my anxiety escalates to a horrible level, leaving me feeling devastated.

On Saturday I came to understand that I am much more apprehensive of these mental battles fighting my anxiety than I am of contaminating my food or hurting my tongue. In other words, I am primarily afraid of fear itself. Now that I understand this, I have found it easier to avoid fighting my anxiety when a new incident occurs. For example, yesterday I was washing my hands at the sink when I accidentally splashed some dirty water towards myself. It happened too quickly for me to notice whether the splashes landed on my clothes or not. I instinctively panicked and, as is my habit, I frantically tried to look for evidence that the splashes hadn't landed on me. But then I remembered that my worst enemy is fear, not contamination, and so I imagined myself confronted by a toothless cobra, rearing up and threatening to bite me. Although it seemed very frightening, I told myself it has no teeth and it can't actually hurt me. All it can do is frighten me. And I myself can choose how I react to it - whether I cower in fear (leading to a viscious circle of fighting anxiety) or boldly stand up to it and defy it's attempts to scare me (leading to proving in experience that it really is toothless and harmless).

Alas, this has not cured me of OCD. I am still getting anxious and performing rituals. But I have had a much calmer weekend than usual because I haven't been living in a constant state of tension, fearing the next thing to come along to trigger a harrowing mental battle. By not being so apprehensive, some things that would normally have triggered me in the past haven't triggered me at all. And when I have got anxious about something, I've usually been able to assess it and analyse it more calmly and rationally. Here's hoping my OCD won't find some other way to breach my defences!

Mon Dec 7 2009 14:39:51 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Dear Parvez -

thank you for this enlightening message! I think you have succeeded in making a real step forward: you could let your rationality, your powers of intelligence analyze the chain of events that lead to your distress, and subsequently break that chain at a crucial point. The metaphor is beautiful - you don't say: hey, there is nothing at all. That would be self-deceiving and counterproductive. You say: there is something, and how can I paint that 'something' in such a way that it represents reality, and at the same time offers a 'way out'?

So you could break that vicious downward spiral into fear and despair, by identifying your 'demon', making an inner image of him, and saying to yourself: I can handle you. You are there, but I can handle you, brother!

I really love this message, and I hope others find a similar way to deal with deep but irrational fears. If they can, they should send you a nice bunch of flowers...

Cheers, Cuthbert.

Mon Dec 7 2009 16:04:43 #
Unregistered

Hi Parvez
Great to have you back after the weekend and like Cuthbert I found your post really interesting. I do like the toothless cobra analogy, however not so sure a bunch of flowers would be "nice". Does anyone except me have real problems with being given flowers? I worry about bugs on them, then worry that they are dying and end up keeping them so long they start shooting. Then I put the shoots in water and look after them so lovingly that they end up producing roots, then they get planted in the garden and the chicken eat them because I could never upset the chicken. Why can't I just enjoy seeing the flowers and compost them in a bin like I'm meant to instead of going through this lengthy composting process?
Your description of the chain of contamination is identical to mine except mine always ends with the need to clean the "contaminated item". I am standing typing this in a "dirty" coat because I have worn it outside the house and it may have touched something dirty. If my coat now touches something easily washable I can cope by wiping the item but if it touches something like a cushion then I will have to remove the cushion cover and wash it. It is all so logical in my head and the contamination chain is endless and I can only cope if I have control over what gets touched. But when I am bathed and in clean clothes I can go round touching all the "clean" things without hand washing and without anxiety until I touch something which my mind tells me is "dirty, then hands have to be washed again.
If I force myself to sit down and then not wash the cushion cover then when I sit on the cushion again it will contaminatec me and the next place I sit will become contaminated and eventually I will be so overwhelmed with things that I feel need cleaning I will not be able to do anything.
Don't know whether to laugh or cry, Joyce

Mon Dec 7 2009 19:05:22 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Thanks Cuthbert for your encouraging reply. Last Saturday I didn't discover anything I didn't already know. It was just that I experienced its efficacy in a more powerful way which consequently gave me a new impetus to put up with short-term anxiety instead of giving in to the compulsion to re-assure myself. My mental image of a toothless cobra was merely incidental but not integral to my new approach; someone else could use a different analogy just as effectively. The key to my new approach is to recognise that I am more afraid of becoming anxious (accompanied by exhausting rituals & mental battles) than I am of anything objective. My main phobia is phobophobia! And the fastest way to dissipate anxiety is to refrain from reacting to it. So when I feel compelled to clean something in response to feeling anxious, I am now convinced it is better to put up with the belief that it is dirty rather than to try to clean it. Accepting it as being dirty (whether or not it is actually dirty) makes me less anxious in the long run than trying to re-assure myself it isn't dirty. And since anxiety is my chief enemy (not dirt), whatever makes me less anxious in the long run is my best option.

Thanks Joyce for your warm message. If anyone gave me a bunch of flowers I would be very touched and grateful, though as I am a bloke no-one has ever given me flowers before. I used to keep a little cactus plant in my bedroom but I got rid of it when I noticed tiny creatures living in the soil and occasionally coming out for a walk round.
We both contend with thinking about chains of contamination - perhaps our brains are too logical for our own good. It is certainly exhausting trying to keep tabs on what is 'clean' and what is not, and probably more so for you since you share your house with your husband whereas my own bedroom is my private domain. Something that helps me is to recognise that if dirty object A touches clean object B, only a fraction of the dirt from A will transfer to B. Then if B touches C, only a fraction again will transfer. So by the time C touches D, the amount of contaminant on D may be so tiny it is practically negligible.

Tue Dec 8 2009 11:38:32 #
Unregistered

Hi Parvez

Your idea that it is better to put up with the thought than to clean the 'contaminated' object is a really good one. It used to take me so much time cleaning things that I thought were contaminated that it was counterproductive. At the moment I am living in a house which feels neither clean nor dirty which I guess is a step forward. Your sensible idea about cross contamination fading into insignifance is one I will try to use.

You are also right that it is harder when you are married or living with someone. On the on hand you also have to contend with thoughts that they may have brought contamination into the house: On the other hand, if you have a husband like mine who has no real understanding of OCD, washing his clothes when he does not want them washed causes real rows. I had to give up on this years ago and I now feel that if he does not want his clothes washed then I will not wash them. A friend of mine with OCD has constant battles with her husband regarding clothes washing - but he loves her so much that he does not seem to regard it as an unsurmountable problem.

Best
Glad

Tue Dec 8 2009 12:06:30 #
Unregistered

Hi Parvez and Glad
I have the greatest admiration for you both, you seem to be conquering the toothless cobra far better than I do. I have tried the "let the contamination spread" route but just ended up cornered with no-where to go except another breakdown. My cobra may not have teeth but it can strike me down with depression if I upset it. At least this way I am stable and coping with life and managing to use a lot of my time in a fulfilling way.
My husband is my rock, he obeys the OCD "rules" without moaning otherwise we would have split decades ago. He has learned that to keep me stable he has to back off when the pressure builds. He also has a fantastic sense of humour which helps. Bye, Joyce

Tue Dec 8 2009 18:42:32 #
Unregistered

Hi Joyce
It was only going to the Bethlem as an inpatient which changed me. Before that I had two long spells in hospital when the contamination got too much to bear and I had clinical depression. Having a husband who will not compromise at all even when I am working to beat my OCD has not helped at all. You are really lucky to have such a caring man.

If you want to beat OCD, CBT does work if you work realy hard and follow the rules. But it is a long process and unless you get a high degree of control it is really easy to slip back into your old ways. It is also really scary doing the treatment - as witnessed by my freak out last month. I actually prayed to die one night I was so scared. My friend has been offered treatment but has turned it down because both she and her family do not see her OCD as a problem.

I guess what has clinched it for me this time is the memory of how I felt when I had it under control. First, the whole world looked and felt better. Second, I could travel anywhere by bus or train without too much hassle. Third, and perhaps most impotantly, I could wear all my best clothes (ie the ones that have to be dry cleaned). Fourth, my confidence and self-belief was much higher.

Whatever you decide must be right for you.

Bye
Anne

Tue Dec 8 2009 19:57:00 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Glad -

something in your last post struck me as truly essential, probably the core of OCD: you wrote that you prayed to die because of your fears. This one expression should probably be in all guidebooks on the disorder. It actually says (for me, that is): I am afraid to experience something that will harm me terribly (i.e. contamination). I would rather be not at all than be a contaminated person.

Simultaneously you would like to LIVE as a clean, enthousiastic, friendly person, to LIVE as the best you can be; and to DIE, because you suffer deep fears that you never will be that 'best possible' YOU you'd like to be.

It is the core of all OCD dimensions I think. By dimensions I mean: washing, checking, ordering, hoarding, and/or thinking obsessively.

I myself always wondered how others overcame trouble in their life that would have unbearable for me. Could be a scar, could be having to wear stinking clothes for one reason or another, could be a sleepless night, could be the loss of a limb, in fact: any imperfection, great or small.

Our society imposes perfection on us, that is for sure. Every night television numbs our brains with endless advertising for skin creams, hair shampoos, teeth whiteners, the lot. I think 'numbing' is all to friendly a word. It changes the way we look at the world. In daily life, imperfections in people can strike us, obsess us. Even so far that we can lose track of what a person is saying. Children bully each other because of their imperfections, real or imagined. A child that developmentally lags at school is looked down upon.

This is scandalous. Media tell us that we can live forever, in a perfect way, if we buy into the lies that they sell. We actually pay for lies.

I myself try to tell to my OCD-monkey: you are a lie. You are contrary to the essence of life.

It seems to work better and better. I hope this process continues.

Cheers, Cuthbert.

Wed Dec 9 2009 12:15:32 #
Unregistered

Thanks Cuthbert.

Yes you are right I do want to be as perfect as I can be and get really upset when I fail to meet these high standards. University really helped because I was rubbish at school and had hankered a desire to go at least ten years before I eventually got in. I had hoped to do something with my work when I finished but at the moment I am hampered by doubts and indecision.

I think another reason for my OCD is that I feel people have taken my control away by bullying me in the past or by seeing me as an illness rather than a person. But I do intend to change that. As my therapist says no-one can take away my self confidence of self esteem.
Best
Glad

Wed Dec 9 2009 13:33:35 #
Unregistered

Joyce, I seem to respond in exactly the same way as you. I find the contamination, when it has spread, becomes intolerable. When, through therapy, I ‘contaminated’ the whole house, I reached breaking point after a few weeks. I was assured the fear would decrease and eventually go, but it reached a maximum level and remained. Eventually I cleaned up as best I could, but nowhere now feels really clean.

A good friend of mine (whose severe contamination fears were treated at the Bethlem) asked me to describe my exact emotions when I believe myself to be contaminated. The overwhelming feeling is a desire to be dead. He was taken aback and said he had never experienced that.

Anne, you mentioned praying you would die. I only know one other person with contamination fears to say that. For thirteen years, when my children were at school, I found facing school things unbearable, and nightly would pray for the pain and fear to end, and death seemed to be the only way out, because facing the fear no longer works.

I don’t want to bore those who have read my history on the old forum, so I’ll be a brief as possible. I was seeing a psychiatrist from the age of seven, because of a terror of germs. I was very sick, with bleeding hands and I barely ate. The psychiatrist had, surprisingly, never met a child like me. No diagnosis of OCD was made and no therapy offered. At the age of eleven, still living in constant fear, I decided to face the germs head on. I realized living in fear was a living hell and it was preferable to take my chances with the germs. This ‘therapy’ worked well.

Why then, I ask professionals (and myself!) does the same therapy and logic no longer work? I am older, hopefully wiser and stronger. I have no answer and no-one else has either. I will say that germs are no longer the contaminant of choice! My current fear is less rational.

Parvez, I truly tried to visualize the toothless cobra, before doing the grocery shopping on Tuesday. I keep telling myself that the fear is irrational. I ask myself what is the worst that could happen. There is nothing to fear except fear itself. I have repeated that phrase for years. Alas, I still shook with fear throughout the day.

Joyce, My son forgot how severe my contamination fears are and bought me a bunch of flowers, a few years back. He left home the previous year and I suppose the memory of my extreme behaviour had faded. The bunch of flowers terrified me and yet I could not throw them away (partly because they were a gift from my son, and partly because of the flowers themselves). At times like this I can wallow in despair and realize how abnormal I am and how much I am missing out on. I viewed the flowers as highly contaminated and I still recall the feelings of utter despair. At the same time, I was admiring their beauty, touched by the gift, yet not knowing what to do with them because of the fear. The way you are with flowers reminded me of something Michael once said (one of our older members). He wrote that he felt as if he were committing genocide when he pulled out weeds. I am also that way, and I have particular problems pulling out young holly and silver birch trees which self-seed everywhere. I want to ‘re-home‘ them. The way you care for the flowers reminded me of this.

Cuthbert, I read your message with great interest. I am wondering (for the first time) whether my need to have everything free of contamination is a form of perfectionism. It may be, but I honestly don’t think so.

I certainly don’t believe I would choose to die because I can’t be the best possible person. My wish to die is purely an effort to escape the fear. I dress like a bag lady, have no interest in make-up or being what so many woman strive to be. The shallow ads on TV sicken me. All that matters to me is how one person treats another. Our materialistic society revolts me. I hanker for times gone by (an era before I was born) and to cuddle up to a dog once more!

A healer I went to told me fear is the opposite of love, which disturbed me greatly. I disagreed with her and said I now fear dogs, but still love them. She said my fear was obviously greater than my love. This again hurt me, because I know that’s not true. She then witnessed me doing something and looked at me in amazement. She admitted she was wrong, but added she had never known anyone to fear something and yet still love it so deeply.

Tricia x

Thu Dec 10 2009 14:53:42 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Tricia -

thank you for your courageous and enlightening comment. It is amazing how much one can learn from these personal stories.

What really struck me: a psychiatrist who does not recognize pediatric OCD. I never heard something like this.

It is true, of course, that one can fear and love the same thing. I would differentiate between the love for a dog as a dog, and the fear of (a dog as) a carrier of germs. Being a carrier of germs is only very tiny part of the whole of the dog. The sad thing is that you involuntarily 'blow up' that tiny part in your mind, it really swells up to mythical proportions and you can not reduce that by an effort of will. At the same time this enormous swollen monster obscures all the rest of the dog.

Experts sometimes call it a deficit in one's capacity for 'weighing' things, i.e. to estimate the significance of things you perceive, that cross your mind. The incapacitated power to 'inhibit' feelings that others can repress better lies at the core of OCD. Every person in this world who wants to hug a dog and gets a good licking of it thinks very fleetingly: 'oh, I hope he doesn't carry bad germs...'

But for OCD patients this thought is not fleeting. They can't assign the words: 'oh, unimportant', to it, and think of other things, experience that nice warm, funny and loving animal.

I would guess that your current fears, which you term 'less rational', are better than the more rational ones. Part of getting better is being able to 'throw' oneself into something emotional, irrational, and enjoy it.

Hope this helps a little bit, take care,

Cuthbert.

Thu Dec 10 2009 15:58:32 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Tricia wrote:

Parvez, I truly tried to visualize the toothless cobra, before doing the grocery shopping on Tuesday. I keep telling myself that the fear is irrational. I ask myself what is the worst that could happen. There is nothing to fear except fear itself. I have repeated that phrase for years. Alas, I still shook with fear throughout the day.
Dear Tricia ... I am very sorry that when you feel contaminated you experience anxiety so intensely that you literally shake with fear for a whole day. I admire you tremendously for your courage to persevere. And I am very sorry my toothless cobra technique didn't work for you. I would be over the moon if it had given you even one iota of improvement. I wasn't naive enough to assume it would help everyone but I hope at least it may encourage some people not to give up searching for a technique that works for them.

In case I didn't explain myself clearly, my technique consists of recognising that, when something happens that makes me feel contaminated, the main cause of my anxiety at that moment is the dread of having to endure the next few hours of my life in a state of anxiety, turmoil, and depression. It feels in situ as though the main cause of my anxiety at that moment is the thought that I am contaminated, but if I refuse to dread the mental strife that my contaminated state typically causes and if I carry on blithely as if nothing was wrong, in a short space of time my anxiety disappears. However, when something happens that makes me feel contaminated, if I feel apprehensive of how the contamination will affect me mentally during the next few hours or days, my anxiety level about being contaminated remains very high for a very long time.

Anyway, I do not accept that your OCD is incorrigible and I sincerely long for you to be able to enjoy life again.
Parvez

Thu Dec 10 2009 16:52:16 #
Unregistered

Hi everyone
I have been reading the posts with great interest, they are a fantastic learning experience.
Today we had our beloved blue-eyed Tess put to sleep and I loved her with every fibre of my being and she reciprocated. I didn't fear her as a carrier of germs, I would have found no problem whatsoever stroking her and then licking my hands - but I was never able to touch her and and then touch something "uncontaminated" inside my home. Unlike Parvez my mouth is on my "contaminated" list as are all foods, therefore touching any food item requires hand washing afterwards - but not necessarily before. So the fear for me is not of germs but of something untangible and unidentifiable. How can I fight my enemy when I don't even know who or what he is? I have no problem dropping food on the ground and then eating it but if my clothes touch the ground I cannot wear them inside the house until they have been washed. I have given up trying to make any sense of it all.
Tricia, I also dress like a bag lady in clothes that don't have to be ironed and will dry quickly. This is the only criteria for clothes shopping, comfort and fashion don't get a look in, and any type of make-up is a no chance (even for special occasions) - a speck might get onto the pillow-case. I absolutely dread having to dress up for anything. I do my clothes shopping in charity shops and at car boot sales and keep a look out for anything which will suit my size and "the OCD rules. I am also just like you when I do the weeding, I pot up and rehome everything I can. Thankfully the goats will eat most of the "weeds" and I find it easier to think of them going as food rather than being left to wither and die.
Fear is most definitely not the opposite of love and no person has the ability to determine or the right to judge another's capacity for love. Bye for now, Joyce

Thu Dec 10 2009 22:31:07 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Dear Joyce
I am very sorry to hear about Tess. I send you my sincere condolences. Words cannot help at a time like this but please be assured I am thinking of you in your sadness.

Speaking for myself, and I think for Tricia also, we aren't scared of catching germs from dogs (though in my case I would be slightly worried about going blind from toxicara worms if a dog licked my face ) but we are averse to the "yuck" factor of excrement, grease, dog spittle, etc. I am also nervous of getting foreign substances in my mouth that might spoil the flavour of my food. May I ask you please Joyce, since you don't routinely wash your hands before eating and you don't object to eating food that's fallen on the floor, do you ever taste dog hairs or carpet fluff in your food? If not, I think that would encourage me not to be so wary.

...

Dear Tricia
I don't think visualising a toothless cobra in itself would overcome fear. That image is just incidental to my technique. When you felt anxious in the supermarket, if you tried to get rid of your anxiety by telling yourself that your fear is irrational and there is nothing to fear except fear itself, I am not surprised you didn't feel any better, because that is an attempt to control your feelings directly. My technique is not a case of manipulating anxiety directly by trying to talk yourself into feeling better, but rather it is controlling your thoughts by not allowing yourself to think about or analyse the situation. Anxiety is a feeling; worry is an action - I ignore the former and concentrate on controlling the latter. If I were to do my technique gingerly by testing how high my anxiety was at each moment, it would be like trying to take hold of a stinging nettle by putting your hand round the leaf slowly, intending to withdraw your hand if it hurts. That is doomed to fail. Instead, I grasp the nettle in my hand firmly and decisively. I make up my mind in advance that no matter what goes wrong or how anxious I feel, I will not brood or analyse or ruminate or check - and therefore I become confident that any catastrophe will not upset me or spoil my happiness. That does not stop me getting anxious when something goes wrong. But if I do get anxious about something, I don't vacillate about what to do by weighing up the severity of the incident and the risk of woeful repurcussions. My action plan has already been decided in advance: (1) refrain from worrying, and (2) relax both physically and mentally. The key word is refrain. My technique is not so much about what you do but about what you don't do. Don't react to anxiety by resisting it directly or doing anything to pacify your feelings. It's simple - there's no complicated list of rules to follow. Just refrain. It is frightening to do this because for a brief time you feel you are knowingly ignoring something important. You have to step outside your comfort zone. It feels risky. But it works for me.

Best wishes ... Parvez

Fri Dec 11 2009 12:40:52 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Joyce,
How I agree with so much that you have said. I too am not afraid of germs and although my fear of contamination started with a fear of chemicals, I now with some of my obsessions no longer know what it is I'm afraid of. As you so rightly say
How can I fight my enemy when I don't even know who or what he is?
.
I can wear clothes that I have worn outside indoors providing that I don't touch the bed. However I'm petrified of 'contaminating' the inside of my coat and so have to put on a clean long sleeved top before I will put it on. When I get in I have to carefully take it off and hang it up so as to not 'contaminate' it.
I can't go to bed unless I've showered and used clean towels and a clean nightie, I have 'clean' slippers that I put on after I've showered and I can't touch anything before getting into bed.
All the clothes that I wear have to be machine washable, able to be tumble dried and not need ironing. I spend my life in jeans and T shirts.
I long to be able to wear anything, at the moment with what I wear I don't feel like a woman. The OCD has robbed me of that, I too feel like a bag lady, I never feel feminine or smart. The irony is that I've just lost a lot of weight and so for the first time in years could go into any shop and find things that fit. But now instead of being hampered by my size the OCD stops me buying what I would really like to wear
When I was looking after my mother last year I did all the garden myself and like you if I found a seedling I always transplanted it to a more appropriate place. With regards to the weeds I never felt bad about pulling them out (I just hated the job!) as they went on the compost heap. I looked at it this way - they were being used to provide food for the other plants in the garden. My runner beans, courgettes and tomatoes loved the home made compost, so in a way the weeds lived on.

Fear is most definitely not the opposite of love and no person has the ability to determine or the right to judge another's capacity for love.
I agree whole heartedly with that.
Also you can love someone or something without liking them. This is the case with many siblings - they love each other dearly and would defend them to the end, but they don't actually like each other. Liking and loving are two totally different things.
Everybody interprets love in their own way, it is unique to the individual.
Apologies for the long post but waiting for the builder to come and don't want to start a job only to be interrupted.
Thinking of you all
Truddles

Fri Dec 11 2009 12:46:19 #
Unregistered

I have so many things to say, the forum is so lively now with our wonderful new members! I have read things here recently which I had previously believed were symptoms/behaviours unique to me. I don’t mean that to sound arrogant at all! The feelings of relief are immense.

Joyce, I am so terribly sorry about Tess. I know how much your animals mean to you and I wish I could think of something comforting to say. The only thing I will say, is that I am sure animals are reunited with us in the next life.

You are the first person who has said you could stroke an animal and lick your hands, but be terrified if you had touched something uncontaminated in your home after stroking one. If I can’t get to a tap I would actually prefer to lick the contamination away rather than allow it to touch my clothes or elsewhere. Joyce, you are right, how can we fight an enemy when we don’t know what it is. I see Truddles feels the same. That is the reason I overcame my germ phobia as a child. I knew who the enemy was.

Parvez, please don’t be upset with me, but so far I have not ever enjoyed life. My earliest recollections are of fear. Special occasions, like my wedding, the birth of my children, their first steps and words etc are all clouded by fear. I’ve had days which were easier than others, and I am grateful for those, but I don’t know what it’s like to spend a day without extreme anxiety.

I have not had time to fully digest your messages and I want to do that when I have the time, also Cuthbert’s. I will just say that I am not analyzing anything in the supermarket any more, I am in such a state of blind panic that everything becomes a blur in my mind. I would struggle to repeat my name and address, and the more I venture out the worse it’s becoming. I feel I am going to faint or have a heart attack. God help me if I end up lying on the floor, because that would finish me off altogether!!

Tricia x

P.S. Just in case I offended anyone with my comments, yesterday. It is the media etc which angers me. It distresses me that so much emphasis is placed on appearances, because I know the effect that has on so many people. Just because I dress like a tramp and haven‘t visited a hairdresser since I was a child,, doesn’t mean I look down on those who take a pride in their appearance.

Fri Dec 11 2009 15:01:28 #
Unregistered

Hello everyone
Just a short post before I'm off to bed. Incidentally Truddles, you and I seem to have a very similar form of OCD but with mirror image symptoms. Your bed is a "clean" area, mine is on the "contaminated" list unless it has clean bedlinen, even though I wear a clean nightie every night and bath twice daily. Also my coat is "contaminated" and when I put it on to go out everything I am wearing becomes "contaminated" and will have to be washed.
Parvez, I have discussed the dog hairs and carpet fluff with my husband and we both agree that if we get them in our mouth it does not affect the taste of our food. My husband sometimes gets goat hairs in his mouth if it is windy and the goats are moulting (like getting a fly in your eye) and he says even smelly old billy goat hairs have no effect on taste, they are just a nuisance.
Tricia do you take the kitchen scissors to your hair like I do? I absolutely detest going to the hairdressers, others seem to find it a joy but for me it is a nightmare so when my hair starts to get too unruly I wash it in the bath and then kneel in front of the wardrobe mirror in the nude (so I don't get hair on my clothes) with a newspaper on the floor and attack it with scissors. I have been doing it for so long now I could probably do it blindfold.
Oh what we have to do to appease this OCD!
Bye for tonight, Joyce

Fri Dec 11 2009 22:48:09 #
Unregistered

Hi all

This is a really interesting dicussion. My coat would feel dirty if I let it. But I have a 'magic coat' ( an idea worked out betweem me and my therapist). It is the most wonderful rain-coat I ever bought - it really stands out in a crowd -people either like or loathe it. But it is black and white with a red lining so it simply cannot be washed. I wear it out when walking on drains, on the bus even if I think the seats may be contaminated, to the hairdressers and with my best clothes. It is like a linus blanket and it makes me feel safe. I used to wash all my other raincoats - but after several months of wear due to the wet weather it has not even been dry cleaned. It will now have to be dry cleaned as it actually is dirty.

I go to the hairdressers weekly because I have rather frizzy hair - naturally dark but now in a neat dark blonde bob. Sometimes it is hard to go but it's far harder to wash my own hair - it takes so long and I used to wash it until it was stripped of all its defences. All the people in the salon know I have OCD and they put up with me talking incessantly. So it is quite therapeutic. The beauty therapist there is giving me healing because she noticed how unwell I was. It is strang world is it not.

You members of this forum are wonderful. I have been so very very lonely since leaving Uni. This is just as good as sitting at home with a group of friends sippping mugs of coffee

Love
Gladxx

Sat Dec 12 2009 10:18:25 #
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Joyce, Yes, I always cut my own hair. My dad used to do it, but he died in 1990. I have it long, which is awkward to wash, especially when I feel it has become very contaminated. I tried cutting it in a short style, but that was very difficult. Even when I was able to vist a hairdresser, I chose not to. I know my friends regard me as totally eccentric! A couple of times, when the contamination felt too great, I shaved it all off!

Anne, I envy you your coat!! I am not sure I will reach old age with my current behaviour. It’s set to become really cold this week and I am dreading washing clothes outside in only my underwear. Shopping in light weight summer clothes is bad enough. My psychiatrist could not understand, but I told him that the pain of being cold is preferable to the fear.

Love, Tricia xx

Sun Dec 13 2009 15:20:20 #
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Hi Tricia
I'm with you on the discomfort of the cold being preferable to the fear of spreading contamination. When I was first in hospital in the late '60's I was so terrified of going home because it had become "contaminated" while I was away that I turned down all opportunities for leave. I think they found me useful working on the geriatric wards at weekends so I got away with it for months. Then I developed an abscess under a wisdom tooth and had to go to my dentist and the psychiatrist insisted I try a night at home. I remember sitting in the dentist's chair having two wisdom teeth extracted and wishing it would go on forever because the fear of my home was so great.
I suspect you will make a ripe old age Tricia, the OCD has nurtured our stamina and our ability to tolerate discomfort and turned us into toughies.

Sun Dec 13 2009 19:12:14 #
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It's so amazing to be reading all these posts and seeing people suffering with the same things as me. I mean, it's awful that we have to live like this of course, I just mean it's amazing in that it's not just me! I have the same problems with many things people have mentioned, so I wont go into them all, but I have the "bed" thing too- for me, it's "contaminated", and have to make sure I don't get "bed germs" anywhere else. I have several different catergories of germs as well as having "clean" and "contaminated" lists. As I said, there's "bed germs", but then there's also "floor germs", "toilet germs", "underwear germs", "tap germs", "kitchen germs"...the list goes on, and they all feel somehow different to me. Like if something is contaminated with one type of germ then it must not mix with another type. It's crazy, but in my head it all seems so logical somehow.

Mon Dec 14 2009 20:57:39 #

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