29 October 2017 - 19:27
This is a thought thing to admit.
I'm in a loving relationship. I would do anything for my girlfriend and wouldn't let her down. Recently I saw an 11 year old girl who was really pretty. Immediately I kept asking myself did that mean I found her sexually attractive?! I know I would never ever touch a child and I want children of my own, hand on heart I'd protect any child. But the thoughts ran and ran and drove me mad. I've had these anxiety problems for a year now and I can't shrug them. Anyway, I got home one evening and the thought of this girl carried on. I decided to think sexually about the girl to see if it had an effect on me. At first it didn't, my mind was screaming at me telling me I wouldn't do this, and I wouldn't, there was no part of me that would. All of a sudden my mind switched and I imagined as if it was legal, almost the worst thoughts my mind could come up with. As if I was being asked by people not to do it (one part of my mind was saying ok people no I won't do it you know me) yet I pushed on with the thoughts and became slightly (not as much) aroused. Then I switched these thoughts to my girlfriend as I knew deep down that was that, it's who I am and I would never harm a child. Since then my mind has been a wreck. Why the thoughts? Why have I tested myself? Am I a sicko or am I anxious ? I'm afraid it's I'm a sicko. But I know for a fact that for the rest of my life I'd never watch child porn, I'd never compromise a child and I'd never ever touch one ... so what are my thoughts ? Should I be handing myself into authorities ? Or just live alone far away from everyone ? I feel like every time I look at my girlfriend I could cry coz of what she means to me. In the past I've told her small things about my anxiety and that I've feared I'm a pedophile before and she's said if she thought I was she wouldn't be with me... I just don't get the arousal ? It's like I put myself in the monster shoes and liked it? Yet deep down I know I didn't , I'd rather kill myself than be that. I'm sorry, I'm such a mess. Any replies at all would be great.