Imagine being trapped. Not a lot of air. Your palms are sweaty. Your heart is racing. Maybe a movie is playing, or a song. One you don’t particularly like. Over and over and over again. Imagine being stuck on the Disneyland ride “It’s a Small World” for days and weeks on end. Or maybe you are inside a room. With no door handle. No window. No phone. No way to get out. Welcome to my OCD.
I wish I could tell you, I love my OCD. I wish I could tell you I have made peace with it. Somedays, when I have slept well, had a good work out and my therapy sessions are aligned with my personal goals, I don’t think so much about my OCD. When my meds seem to be working just right, and I have low stress in my life, I don’t notice it as much. I wish I could tell you that I live with it and were friends now…but the truth is, I still hate it. I hate my OCD “flavor” as some people call it. I wish I could trade it in or cash it out. Although, I wouldn’t wish this disease on my worst enemy, I would exchange it. Maybe swap it for a hardy dose of Depression, or a bad case of Shingles. Maybe take on the flu for an entire year.
My OCD attacks everything I love the most. My pets, my relationship, my job. It makes me question every decision, every feeling, every word I say. And yet, I still get up and out of bed each morning. I try to hold onto one positive thing. The feel of the new plush blanket on my bed, the funny meme I read on my feed, the smell of my boyfriend when he gets out of the shower or the way my cats curl up next to each other for the puuurrrfect photo opp. I try and find humor in some of the thoughts that come into my head…because sometimes they are so absurd, so ostentatious and outlandish that you have to laugh.
Some days I win, and some days I lose. Many of plans have been canceled. Many of weekends spent in bed. Long arguments and discussions with my family and my partner regarding meds, therapy, sobriety and the list continues.
Today, right now, I give my OCD the middle finger. We are stuck together. Forever. Maybe tomorrow we will share a laugh together. Maybe tomorrow, a tear will be shed, or an internal argument will be had. Maybe tomorrow, I will find something I thoroughly enjoy about my OCD…but today,right now, I am giving it the middle finger.