The last 8 or so months have been a struggle to say the least. Today I am at the point where I was sobbing on my dads shoulder saying it's not true and I hate it and I don't want it go away. Well for the last 8 months it hasn't went away. For 6 months before those 8 it was under control after 2 months of hell and now I am back in it. Just a passing thought can lead me to question the entirety of who I am as a person. The constant anxiety from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed has been a struggle. I wake up with the thought in my mind scared shitless and go to bed the same way. I cherish the few days I go without thinking or the few hours. But those only last for so long. The rest is a living hell. It's like someone's biggest fear suddenly becoming true when you know how dumb it is. It is really torture. And the sad part is once the Hocd goes down another ocd fills my mind and then I get anxious again. But once I get anxious again it shifts back to my HOCD thoights. Before I met my gf I was losing my mind. I didn't know what ocd was I didn't know what anything was. I thought I was turnin into my fear just from a dumb passin thought. It shcks tho cuz I don't have anything against people just it's not what I want and I know that. Well my OCD is Lilke a bully in my head constantly pushing me telling me something else when it's not true. It's really ridiculous and when it's under control I laugh at it. Sometimes I sit around and make jokes about it to my gf and she thinks it is all ok and that I'm getting better when really I'm making jokes about it to try to forget about the deep pain it puts upon me. Before I met my gf I was driving my car and was thinking I'm just gonna shut my eyes and drive and whatever happens happens and floor it. Well I was doing that and I stopped short because I remembered something. All life is precious. I deserve to be happy with the girl do my dreams and my mental illness will not take control. Well my gf encouraged me to get help and thank god I did because I am gradually getting better even with crying in my dads shoulder. But these last 8 months have been the hardest moths of my life mentally. I've thought about the worst things possible and sometimes I jus sleep so I don't have to wake up to it. I feel as if I'm depressed and always have anxiety. I always apologize to my gf for no reason and get mad when I'm not really that mad about the thing in general even tho I don't like it I think it's just because of all the anxiety I lash out by accident. I mean to make a point but I take it too far to the point where my parents get mad and my gf does too. But they r the poeple that keep me going in life. They give me a reason to keep moving forward even with this living hell. I need to be at peace once again an I am gradually getting there. Nobody truly understands the pain us OCD sufferers go through and thy think it is funny to make jokes about hand washing but really the ignorance is that they r making fun of a serious mental illness. Well I am tough and I can do this. I need to stay strong and keep moving forward because the good and the light is right around the corner.